Coping with Mental Health

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas. My anxiety was back with heated avengence. This followed after I lost my job with severe depression. I got put on tablets to help, but they gave me bad headaches. I then got put on other tablets. They are starting to work. I'm being referred for high intensity CBT.
One of the best things though would have to be my best friend coming to see me this weekend. It was so refreshing. I got to show the work I have done to my flat, got the travel frames up, went to the cinema, had a girly night. Honestly one of the best weekends I have had in a while.
If you ever don't know what to do when your friend has mental health issues going on, do that. It is a blessing.

Also something that has really helped is to have a proper pamper. I have cleansed, toned, face mask, moisturised. I have had a bath with a bath bomb, salts, body scrub and body lotion. I feel so much calmer and relaxed. Giving yourself a pamper is definitely good for the soul. You are worth spending time over.
Whilst I am no closer to finding a job, I feel more positive. I have wonderful friends who care about me. I feel beautiful by spending time on myself. My sailor will be back in 5 days.
Life will get easier.

Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

Adventures of this week

Well this week I went to Riga with my bestie, and it was my birthday yesterday! 

I would definitely recommend a visit to Riga, with its beautiful buildings, great museums, and fab restaurants. The people were absolutely wonderful, always helping us out when we needed it. Felt a bit sorry for this poor woman in the orthodox church, me trying to ask if I could buy incense, with the weirdest hand gestures, at least she saw the funny side!

We were lucky enough to be there during Riga Restaurant week, being able to have fab three course dinners for 15-20 euros!

I also let the hotel know in advance that I was gluten free. I got given rice cakes to replace the bread, which helped a lot.

Have to say on the most part ate pretty healthy out there, as salad and soup is big on the menus. I haven't eaten as well this week as I could have, but I know I will work extra hard next week. I am just grateful I did zumba at least once ;)

My birthday was yesterday, and was lovely to have a nice relaxed day, seeing all my family at some point in the day. I decided this year being my first gluten free year, I would make my own birthday cake. My poor poor friend having to deal with me asking constant questions, as I was determined to get this right. 

I used a spin off recipe from a new blog I found called hungry hinny- Recipe here. I decided to change the recipe slightly, as I am not a fan of coffee, and wanted to use up some cranberries. I also didn't have a food processor to hand, so had to improvise. All good fun!

I also make the rookie mistake of trying to whisk the icing sugar straight away. The mess I made...

I think the end result was fab if I say so myself, and was proud it was light and fluffy- something I found difficult with gluten free flour.

I have some improvements to make in the future, but right now I am happy I had a cake I could eat and everyone else enjoy as well!

I am sure I will get better at it in the future, mainly so I don't have to bug people with inane questions. Obviously I won't be doing much practicing, as I'm trying to be good. At least I know I have this cake in the repertoire, which will definitely come out in the future.

Would love to hear about more gluten free recipes, and try some out if you have any :D

Slowing Down a Bit

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not blogging this earlier. I have been rather ill since Monday, still not quite 100%, but a lot better than what I was :)

I had my weigh in with Katie, and have lost another pound, which I am very happy about. It may seem only small, but they say that actually you are more likely to keep the weight off when it is slow and steady weight loss.

I am so near that stone loss now, I could smell it, and after I feel better, I will get back on the horse. 

Not that I am doing awful, but I find my resistance against ice cream and chocolate is not so good.

Proving I can still pose whilst ill.

I have been advised to stay off the bread still, and start having more pasta in my diet. I think this is to try to rule out things like wheat and gluten from being problem areas. I have had pasta for both lunch and dinner, as I didn't have time for breakfast, after my cold routine this morning. I have always believed in natural remedies to be the main cure for problems, so I have been steaming with Olbas oil, and drinking and hot honey and lemon water. 

Health wise though, I definitely think that stress is a big factor to me being ill at the moment. I have let a lot of little things really bother me at the moment, and I think it has built up to me getting myself ill. At least I am slowing down a bit more, and listening to my body. Will be back at Zumba next week, I promise!

By Jove, I think we've got it!

Well I have been without bread for a week, and on the most part feel so much better for it!
It has definitely cheered me up no end, knowing that I have found the main source of the problem.
Friday I might have accidentally had breadcrumbs without realising. I had falafel, and whilst it didn't say anything about breadcrumbs, I wonder whether it was in there, because after I felt very ill. It probably didn't help I did a Fab Ab class the day before, so mixed with muscle ache and bad tummy I was not a happy bunny to say the least. To know long term that it looks like bread means I can move forward, turn a page, and get back to the weight loss thing.
I have definitely found lunchtime the hardest when it comes to no bread. I have pretty much been living on soup and sushi and the odd salad, which I love, but if people have any other suggestions that would really help!
This past week I have been feeling a bit strange, as my partner's family, as well as mine eat bread a lot! This morning though, I was talking to a friend of mine, and she says she is exactly the same! I am not alone! Her issue is with the preservatives that they put inside the bread here in the UK.
Depending on what Katie thinks of the results, I might see how much effort it is to start making my own bread. Not all the time, but maybe occasionally as a treat.
We will see on Tuesday. x

The Lemon Drizzle Cake Theory

Well, today has been one of those days.
One of the ladies brought in a wonderful lemon drizzle cake, and after I resisted the ginger biscuits yesterday, could not quite resist a slice, especially when everyone else was enjoying it. (Thank you Kirsty, it tasted yummy :) )
I think temptation is one of those things- what is one person's temptation, isn't another person's. I think also resisting is a technique you get better at with time. If you are used to saying 'yes' to all that food then it is harder to resist, but the more you get used to saying no, the easier it becomes. Now I am not saying that I say no to everything, as the drizzle cake shows, but I am learning to be a bit more picky in the treats I have. It is a long process, and in time, I might even say no to cake more often, but my thought is that denying yourself of everything just makes you want it more. Having that little amount of something you really enjoy isn't a bad thing.
Obviously though, my stomach thought something was a bad thing today! I have been trying to swap my lunch and dinner sizes around to try and help my metabolism and my digestion. As I had an hour lunch, I thought I'd go out and have a main meal- within 20 minutes of finishing, I felt absolutely appalling, and after my evening tea as well. The problems don't bother me so much though, because I know when Katie sees my food diary, it should be another piece of the puzzle.

Feeling proud in my shirt:)

After all these problems with my stomach, I wanted to see the positives of everything going on with my body. I had this work shirt which I liked, but didn't wear often because it was tight around my boobs and waist. I tried it on this evening, and had no trouble at all! It makes me feel so proud of the work I have been putting in to change my lifestyle and feel healthier, inside and out.
So tomorrow, I will be wearing my shirt with pride, knowing that I can do it :)

Finding the Positives

I went to go see Katie yesterday for my weekly weigh in and looking at the food diary. Had a weigh in, and gained two pounds. This is the first week I have gained weight, but then it didn't come as a shock. I haven't eaten so well and started exercising again, so the combination of both could have contributed. I know though that I can get it back off, so I'm not so upset about it as I would have been a while ago.
The main focus of my session this time was stomach problems I have been facing. I have been feeling unwell for a while now, and my doctor kept fobbing me off, saying that it is my weight. I felt so alone, because no-one seemed to want to help me with my problems. Now I have someone there, supporting me each step of the way. I feel it is such a weight off my mind now, and has pushed me to be able to keep motivated.
I am carrying on with my food diaries, but now have to add in when I don't feel well, and the exact symptoms I have been having. That way I will find the source of the problems, and as a result, should lose weight easier.
Why my doctor couldn't have done this earlier, I'm not sure. Hey ho. I have to now forget the problems my doctor has caused/change doctors, and I think that will be another chapter shut.
Anyhoo, I am off to Zumba, so have a lovely evening, I definitely will! :D

Catching up and being a loser again

It really has been too long since I have blogged, so will fill you in!

-I now have my degree in music (II:i), which I am very proud of, and have made some brilliant music friends/contacts in the process.

-I have a full driving licence, making life sooo much easier!

-Went on holiday with my Dad and brother to Turkey (

-And of course, that Ice Bucket Challenge!

My biggest change though, has been quite recent. I have been seeing two ladies at my doctors regarding my weight. This was after I had a bad run in with my doctor, who decides that every problem I have is because I am fat, and my boyfriend (who she has never met) is a feeder who "likes to keep his chubby girlfriend chubby".

Not very nice.

The girls who have been helping me, Chloe, and now Katie, have been the complete opposite- supportive, caring and give me good tips foodwise. They have made me keep a food diary, which I recommend to everyone, because you don't truly realise what you eat until you write it down!

After about 2 months(ish) I have lost 10 lbs, and feel so proud of myself!

I am quite nervous about my weigh in tomorrow though- went out to eat with the work girls last Friday, went away for the weekend, and had a takeaway this Friday, so not my healthiest, hopefully going back to Zumba after the summer break, with a fair amount of walking helped to combat that. Either way, I am starting to feel better with myself, and happier, and lucky to have my loved ones there supporting me every step of the way.

My next goal is to feel better about the seatbelt on a plane. It seems a bit of a strange goal to have, but I feel I really need to believe in myself more, and believe what the scales are telling me. 

I had such a panic when I went away on holiday last time about the seatbelt fitting, I couldn't really properly get excited about the flight and the trip for worrying about the seatbelt. 

My next trip away is to Berlin in December for the Christmas markets, and don't want to feel like that again. I'm enough of a worrywort as it is!

Also, I don't want to ruin my friends' trip with me harping on about the seatbelt of all things.

Hopefully we'll be too excited by the markets, and the Christmas atmosphere :D

Who wouldn't be excited to drink mulled wine/hot chocolate and go shopping???

So here goes..!

New year, New challenges

This is my first post of the new year, so I know it is a little late, but happy new year to you all!

2012 has been such a turbulent year, but worked out well in the end. In a sense, 2013 is going to be a harder year for me. I have to keep up the momentum that 2012 gave me. I think the best way though is just to see how every day comes and work it out from there. 

But down to the nitty gritty. What resolutions did you make this year? I have three new year's resolutions. The first, which I have resolved to do for the third year running is to learn how to drive. I have more of a chance of actually doing this one, as I am having driving lessons. The second one is to save money. I am appalling at saving money! The complete opposite to my other half, who has saved money all his life. My third and final resolution is to cook more. Ever since I got the new Nigel Slater book for Christmas, I have not stopped raving about him. I realised that good food is not hard to make. I find I don't worry so much about being healthy, because I am making the food from scratch, and changing recipes slightly for my needs. 

All in all, I seem to be resolving to be an adult. I think partly it is a good thing, as I cannot act like a child anymore, and there are more people in my life now that I have to think of now. What would really prove that I am an adult is sticking to my resolutions. 

Everyone can make a resolution, but it takes hard work to keep them. I think the saving money one will be the tough one for me, but the other two are very achievable. After I have finished my university work, I think that I will go back to the gym, but for now, I may start going to zumba once a week, just to keep me going at least. When life gets busy, something has to give, but maybe not completely. 

What I have done though this year, is have two of my wisdom teeth out. I seem to have created an anxiety over my teeth, and when I heard I had to have a wisdom tooth out, I couldn't believe how unlucky I was. However, I am very lucky to of met a good dentist, and got two on my left side out on Tuesday. He let me borrow his ipod to listen to some classical music, let my other half sit in and hold my hand, and didn't mind when I accidentally kept biting his thumb (oops!). He advised me on what food to eat, gave me an extraction kit with full instructions on do's and don'ts, and got a courtesy call the day after my procedure to see how I have been getting on. I feel very lucky to have him as my dentist. It also isn't as bad as I first thought it would be. It didn't feel fabulous for the first 5 odd hours after, but I didn't feel the pain as I thought it would, and I could chew my dinner, which was a relief. I am on day 3 now, and whilst the pain seems to be more persistent in coming through, it is not bad at all.

Whilst I still can't completely open my jaw still, and I probably have an infection, at least I did it.

I am proud of myself for getting through the first hurdle, now it is just the infection to fight.

I am sure I will get there in the end, and this is just one of many challenges I will face this year. What makes us stronger are the challenges we face, and how we deal with them.

This is just another challenge to face. x

Body Matters

Went in to Curves this morning to have my weigh and measure, and this month lost 4 pounds and 4.75 inches!
I'm really proud of myself at the moment, and I really believe that I can do this! Putting my results sheet on the fridge :D

Another, more worrying thing I had today was my doctor's appointment. I noticed a difference in my breasts, and straight away went to the doctors. My doctor checked me out, and gave me the all clear. I felt a bit silly earlier, like I've wasted my doctor's time.
Maybe I was being a worry wort, but my mum died of breast cancer, so I always believe in absolute vigilance. I think we deserve it to ourselves to be vigilant, it shows that we love and respect our bodies enough to do something about it.
Thinking about it now, I feel I have proved to myself that I love my body enough to care. That for me is an achievement.

So if I can be cheeky enough to give advice, check yourself every month, because your body is worth the care. x