Self Esteem

Today, I have come to an important conclusion. I may stand up for myself at times, I may act confident towards others, but I find it difficult to appreciate myself.
It is a very hard thing to own up to, saying you have low self esteem, when people think you are a confident girl.
It is also a very hard thing to fix. It becomes one of those things you just try to learn to live with. It shouldn't be like that though.
Caring about others is obviously very important, however loving yourself is the most important thing that you can do. Making sure you are happy is the most important thing.
I never really understood this, and always thought it was very selfish to act like this. I have now realised that it isn't selfish to love yourself, it is self preservation, and you won't be any use to anyone else if you don't love yourself.
So I have an action plan. Write out all the things you love about yourself, and the things you hate. At first, all I could think of were the bad things. I started to find the good things. I then need to keep reminding myself of the good things, and try and accept the bad, or sort them out.
It sounds so simple when you put it out like that. As many people know, it's not. Trying to battle against your own mind is difficult. We all get down days, we have people trying to put us down, and we have to find a way to push through it.
I for one, find it difficult to be able to get back up after a fall. Tomorrow I will find it difficult. Next month I will still find it difficult. But at some point, I will be able to pick myself back up and love myself. I cannot wait until that day arrives.
Until that moment, I must have faith in God and myself, to be able to move forward, that I am getting there. x

Valentine's Day- the ever losing battle

As some may of seen from last year, I am normally the 'Bah Humbug' type when it comes to Valentine's day. This is due to the fact that I have always been single at this time of year, and having couples being all coupley helped remind me that I was alone, and that there was no day to celebrate being single!

This year however, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and was really excited about my first Valentine's day, until I realised we wouldn't actually see eachother Valentine's Day. We swapped presents yesterday, and he gave me a bunch of flowers today, which was incredibly sweet of him. I realised I didn't really need to see him that day, it wasn't that important. We all (whether in a relationship or not) need to be loving 365/366 days of the year, not just one.
It feels strange though. I have never hidden the fact that I am in a relationship, as I have never felt the need to. My friends know that I am with him, they know I haven't changed for the worse in the process, that they are still amazing in my eyes.
Today though, I felt like I couldn't really say that I love him publicly, for the fear of ridicule, being a hypocrite against my old self, or without the feeling that I have to apologise for being in a relationship.
Basically on Valentine's you cannot win. If you are single, you think you are missing out, and you get the pity party, if you aren't, you feel compelled to keep quiet about it.
I wonder why we all put so much importance on this one day. Why do we feel we need to declare our love on this one particular day? Why is it when we are single that we have so much hate for this day?
Maybe one year, we should all ignore Valentine's. Then ironically there would be more love and respect going on with eachother.
Until this happens, Happy Valentine's Day to you all! :) xxx

Learning to be a Palm tree

I have had a very inspired morning with a very inspirational woman. I have been having some of life's little issues lately, and she gave me a wonderful way of dealing with the problem.
I am a very stubborn person by nature, (I like to think it's my Taurean roots coming through) and I used to find it was a sign of weakness to just give in. She proved to me that giving a little, and compromise is also a sign of strength. She used the example of a Palm tree (which for those who know me is a funny co-incidence). The palm tree is one of the tallest trees, yet for it to stay upright, it needs to sway in the wind. For me, the western equivalent is the willow tree- tough, but very pliant. Neither of these trees allow themselves to be broken easily, yet is still pliant. This is where I now get my inspiration. I need to stay tough, not break, yet still have the option to go with the flow, compromise, and carry on.
What I also have realised, is that for me to stand up for myself, for me to stand strong, I need to truly love myself. I need to prepare myself, and decide for myself what I am going to do in situations.
Once I have that self love back again, then I can move forward with my life.

Little baby steps are the way forward. One step at a time :)

New year, New challenges

This is my first post of the new year, so I know it is a little late, but happy new year to you all!

2012 has been such a turbulent year, but worked out well in the end. In a sense, 2013 is going to be a harder year for me. I have to keep up the momentum that 2012 gave me. I think the best way though is just to see how every day comes and work it out from there. 

But down to the nitty gritty. What resolutions did you make this year? I have three new year's resolutions. The first, which I have resolved to do for the third year running is to learn how to drive. I have more of a chance of actually doing this one, as I am having driving lessons. The second one is to save money. I am appalling at saving money! The complete opposite to my other half, who has saved money all his life. My third and final resolution is to cook more. Ever since I got the new Nigel Slater book for Christmas, I have not stopped raving about him. I realised that good food is not hard to make. I find I don't worry so much about being healthy, because I am making the food from scratch, and changing recipes slightly for my needs. 

All in all, I seem to be resolving to be an adult. I think partly it is a good thing, as I cannot act like a child anymore, and there are more people in my life now that I have to think of now. What would really prove that I am an adult is sticking to my resolutions. 

Everyone can make a resolution, but it takes hard work to keep them. I think the saving money one will be the tough one for me, but the other two are very achievable. After I have finished my university work, I think that I will go back to the gym, but for now, I may start going to zumba once a week, just to keep me going at least. When life gets busy, something has to give, but maybe not completely. 

What I have done though this year, is have two of my wisdom teeth out. I seem to have created an anxiety over my teeth, and when I heard I had to have a wisdom tooth out, I couldn't believe how unlucky I was. However, I am very lucky to of met a good dentist, and got two on my left side out on Tuesday. He let me borrow his ipod to listen to some classical music, let my other half sit in and hold my hand, and didn't mind when I accidentally kept biting his thumb (oops!). He advised me on what food to eat, gave me an extraction kit with full instructions on do's and don'ts, and got a courtesy call the day after my procedure to see how I have been getting on. I feel very lucky to have him as my dentist. It also isn't as bad as I first thought it would be. It didn't feel fabulous for the first 5 odd hours after, but I didn't feel the pain as I thought it would, and I could chew my dinner, which was a relief. I am on day 3 now, and whilst the pain seems to be more persistent in coming through, it is not bad at all.

Whilst I still can't completely open my jaw still, and I probably have an infection, at least I did it.

I am proud of myself for getting through the first hurdle, now it is just the infection to fight.

I am sure I will get there in the end, and this is just one of many challenges I will face this year. What makes us stronger are the challenges we face, and how we deal with them.

This is just another challenge to face. x