Opening Up

I have been having a busy couple of weeks, hence my sparse blogging. It has been a mix of looking after my brother, training for my new job at the Post Office, and Chi Uni Symphony Orchestra rehearsals.
For me I really enjoy being busy, and having something to do. Being out of a job since January was getting hard, but I find I work best with a schedule, with me organising things around my life.
Last weekend I found incredibly tough. Dad was away for the weekend in Walsingham, and I was looking after Dan when I wasn't in rehearsals. I am so grateful for the people who looked after Dan whilst I was rehearsing. Weirdly it was harder this year. I think that I do still miss my Mum, and ever since she died, I do cut myself off from people, bottling things up. I don't like people to see me cry, and I don't like people to constantly bring up my mum. It's not the happiest topic of conversation for me.
This kinda makes life difficult when I need someone. I find it so hard to ask for help that I normally don't, and it makes things worse. I have been making progress in the past couple of months, being able to talk to friends on the phone who live far away from me, but I still have found it hard to open up to someone I see all the time, whether it's on the phone or in person.
That weekend I opened up to two people, admitting that I was finding everything so difficult. They didn't run away, they didn't say they couldn't handle it. They just let me rant, let me get upset, and gave me the best hugs. I think that weekend has helped me realise that I need to trust people. Not just to share secrets, but to let them in when I'm finding life difficult, trusting them not to turn me away, or give up on me. Like so many things, it won't happen overnight, but this weekend was a step in the right direction :)
Hopefully they realise how much they mean to me, for them to see that. In a weird way, it's a compliment!
On that slightly strange bombshell, I will leave you all to have a great weekend, wherever you are!x

Keeping the sisterhood strong

I think it was just a matter of time before I blogged about my opinions on Samantha Brick, and her news story. If you haven't read her article, here it is -Why women hate me for being beautiful . She has also been on 'This Morning' to defend herself.
I think it is great to have self confidence. If you regularly read the blog, you see that I strive to gain more self confidence, and self esteem. I never have a go at any women who has it, and if anything, they are my role models. What I don't like is arrogance.
What came up the most in response to her interview was that people viewed her as arrogant. Where is that line between arrogance and self confidence?
This is how I answer the question personally. Self confidence is personal. Self confidence is the belief that you are the best that you can be. Arrogance is the belief you are the best. Self confidence puts everyone on an even playing field, but arrogance pits you against others, and tries to install a hierarchy.
By implying that because she is so beautiful, that other women hate her, is rather arrogant behaviour. She is saying that because her appearance is the best, that other women don't like her for it. It's their problem with me, not the other way round.
She also mentioned that fact that before she went through puberty and dyed her hair, that she was an 'ugly duckling': in her words, that she was short, fat, and brunette. By saying that, does she not see that she is putting down a whole host of women, myself included? Does she not realise that she could be doing some serious harm? It only needs one comment.
I'll give an example. I went to church yesterday, and went into the hall for a cup of tea afterwards. Now I may not of made my usual effort to look nice, but I didn't look as if I just rolled out of bed either. I got a comment, going "God, you look tired!" Well thanks for that. No, really.
Did they mean any harm in what they said? No, probably not. Did they think about what they said? No, probably not.
I think that this woman needs to understand the phrase 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. We as women, are all beautiful in our own ways. What I find attractive in a man, isn't the same for someone else. What one person finds attractive, another might not.
Another issue I had with her was the fact she was annoyed at women who were jealous of her, because of her appearance. Now if she didn't do anything to provoke those comments, I would perfectly understand, but she wants her cake and eat it. She quotes:

when you have a male boss, it’s a different game: I have written in the Mail on how I have flirted to get ahead at work, something I’m sure many women do.

So basically, she is trying to say that she can use her sexuality on men to get ahead in the workplace, but will not deal with the consequences she might have afterwards. You can't complain that your looks aren't helping your relations with female bosses, if you are using your looks to get ahead with the male bosses. The attitude of using your sexuality to get what you want implies to me you haven't earned what you have got. It also implies that you will use your body to get what you want, which isn't a good trait for being trustworthy. I suspect that women are wary of her because of her behaviour, rather than her appearance. 
She is saying that the sisterhood has let her down. All I have seen is her letting us down. She has implied that if you aren't like her, you aren't considered beautiful, and has generalised women for being catty and bitchy, for no other reason than her being beautiful. She had such an opportunity to make a positive impact, and decides to slate women.

There are so many women out there who are so inspirational, and proving that every woman is beautiful in their own way. For me, Lynx Garcia (Facebook- Supersize Spanishfly) is an inspiration to me, because she proves day by day that every woman is special, that every woman is beautiful. She has self confidence, not arrogance. She stands up for women. Now that is what I call a beautiful person. Inside and out.

Making the right decision

Sorry I haven't blogged in a little while, I have been feeling pretty ill at the moment, but am feeling a lot better now, just the asthma to get rid of!
What I want to talk about is moral decisions that we make. I obviously base mine on christianity, but everyone has their set of morals, whether they have a faith or not.
Without going into too much detail, I have a personal dilema that involves my conscience, and my personal views (nothing illegal/rude and naughty). I have noticed that with me, I need to talk to people. It is my way of thinking a problem through, to rationalise it, and to think of a solution. I also want other people's opinion, and want 'their permission' in a sense. If they don't think what I am doing is wrong, and I trust their moral judgement, then in a sense, I don't care what others think- only those whose opinions matter to me. I asked three people tonight- a priest, my dad, and a good friend. Those are my three: my faith, family, and friends. They mean the world to me, and the people I talked to I care for and respect.
In the end, it is my decision. I cannot have someone make a decision for me (though I did try at one point :p), and this is the way we as humans learn, by the choices and mistakes we make.
At one point, I did think that asking people for their opinion was childish, that it shows I can't decide for myself, can't think for myself. Not gonna lie, that made me feel pretty crap. Hopefully it is actually a sign that I am thinking things through, that I put thought into my decisions, and that I am mature.
As I get the feeling most people don't think I'm mature, it'll be nice to prove them wrong.
Anyway, whatever I decide, I'll blame myself if I'm wrong, and thank the three if I'm right :) Thank goodness I have those people around, and that they are there for me. I'm very lucky to have them :) x