Surviving Lent Group :)

This is how I see Mary, strong, yet
somehow gentle

I had the lent group that I lead on Mary yesterday. I think it went quite well, and I just hope that the tweenies enjoyed it. I did my quiz on 10 things that you might not know about Mary, and I wanted to tackle different perceptions on Mary. Mary was such an important woman, and most pictures show her as a gentle, obedient mother. I think it would be unfair to Mary to class her as just a mother, because no woman is defined by the amount of children they have.
She was strong, loyal, and had unmovable faith. She didn't know for certain that Joseph would take her as his wife after Gabriel's message. She was put in serious danger of being stoned to death, but she put her immeasurable faith in God, and it worked out. Mary's inner strength could still give any woman today a run for their money, and still win hands down. Strength isn't necessarily physical, it's what you can go through, what you are willing to give up, that shows the strength of a person.
On a different note, I'm feeling pretty rundown at the moment, and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it. I can't go to the gym, which is saying something. If you said to me 8 months ago that I would miss going to the gym, I would call you crazy. I think it's the endorphins- I feel so much happier with the gym in my life. Even though my hormonal problem doesn't help, I can see the difference too. My body is changing, and hopefully the way I think about myself, and the way people see me now. I hopefully am getting stronger, and more myself again. Last, but by no means least, I am not to be judged on my body. There will always be someone who tries. I will be there when karma comes back to bite them in the arse.
Anyhoo, I need to go to sleep now if I have any chance of getting in the gym tomorrow/today. Night. x

Summer days and saying goodbye

As you know from the last blog post, I gave myself the task to lead lent group about Mary. I have been doing my research about her, and have really enjoyed getting to know her better, and to be able to work out how to organise the evening, with some help from one of the ladies.
I think that this will help some people at church to see me as an adult, and I have proved to myself that I can still be academic, to present things, and that I can finish my degree.
This weekend I also made blue fairy cakes with some of the kids from church and dan, to take to lent group. Any excuse to eat cake! I always thought that young children didn't like me much, but they all were lovely. I get now that kids at that age are fickle to a certain extent. When you focus your attention on them, and do something they want to do, they are angels. When you aren't, they just don't focus all their attention on you. I don't think it's a matter of them not liking me.
Sunday, Dad planned a 6 mile walk, and luckily the weather co-operated and was gorgeous. I always loved walking ever since I was a kid, and it was good to stretch my legs. After we stopped for lunch, we were going up a steep hill. I powered up the hill, and I think that all this exercise is proving that I'm getting fitter as well.

This was her getting through the window,
because she left her keys in the house... :P 

Last, but by no means least, one of my close friends from church is leaving and going to Mumbai! I found out yesterday, and she's leaving Tuesday! I am seriously going to miss her loads. We always have so much to talk about, whether it's Harry Potter, blokes, films, or serious things,  it was always so much fun.
I am planning to go visit her at some point in the summer, before September, now I just have to find the money!
I wish her the very best of luck, and I will be thinking of her x

What have I got myself in for..?!

So yesterday, I went to the third instalment of the lent group, 'Something borrowed'. I love learning, and I loved learning about the festival of Divali, as going to a Catholic school, I never really got taught about other religions.

I think it is good to learn about other religions, and it reminds me of what my mum believed, which was that all religions have the same god. I don't really know what I believe in that respect, but I think that in the end, it's not my job to judge others. 

The next lent group is 'Something blue', and the person leading originally couldn't do it, so I thought that I would do it. I have now realised how difficult it is going to be to do lent group on Mary!

The minute I got home, I started the research, and I remembered how much I enjoy researching, and presenting things. Coming up with ideas to get the message across without boring them, or making them feel as if I am lecturing them. It is going to be tough, because there is not much mention of Mary in the bible (except for Jesus' birth, obviously). Luckily, one of the ladies is going to give me some of her course information about Mary, and I might pick out some ideas from there. I am also lucky that I have 3 priests at my church, who can hopefully look over all the information I have gathered, and give me some good feedback.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, toodles! x

Before I conk out...

I have a serious exercise today! A very short jog this morning (6:45 no less!), gym at 10, then after looking after my brother (he had an inset day today. Yea I dunno why it was in the middle of the week either.) I went back to the gym for a zumba class at 7. My muscles are a bit confused by the experience, but it was a good day. I got to have a lush bath, and relax for goodness knows how long. I think that is a great treat, and if it wasn't for my catarrh coming back YET AGAIN, I would know I smell pretty damn good.
I am in a very relaxed state/tired early for once, and apart from a lady at zumba who tried to patronise me-in a tone you would speak to a child- going "Oh don't worry, you'll get the hang of it soon" when frankly zumba is one of the only things sport-wise I'm actually good at, and she was getting most of the moves wrong, I'm all good. That is such a small speck on my day though.
One thing I have realised though, is that North of London syndrome (refer to earlier blog if you haven't come across the term- North of London syndrome) runs in the family. I was looking up a north of London map to help my poor geography skills, again, read the last blog for details, and I was looking at Liverpool and Manchester, and my brother comes out with "Manchester is in Scotland, right?"
Even I know that Manchester is not in Scotland. Oh dear.

I think my facebook map will shed some light. I have travelled to/had more photos taken in other countries than I have in the north of England. I haven't ever been to the neighbouring countries of the British Isles either. Oh dear.
 Hopefully travelling up to Old Trafford, and the Millennium stadium for the Olympics will help. A little. At least I am trying, right?
Anyhoo, back to the point. I am looking forward to doing my usual pilates and gym tomorrow, I just gotta hope this catarrh will bugger off before choir.
Fingers crossed! x

Feeling a bit sentimental!

For a little while, I have known that a certain lecturer from Canterbury Christ Church is retiring. He doesn't know that so many of the alumni are coming back to show support. However much I fought with him in third year, (and I can see now, he was right, most of the time) he was my reason for going to Canterbury, and also motivated me to not give up on music, when I was on the point of giving up on my music A levels. I remember freshers week, when most people went out for a coffee, I wanted to practice, so hid behind the screens. He poked his head round to listen, and asked me why I was hiding. I can't remember what else he said, but I do remember that it was then when I felt accepted, motivated, and so much more confident. Being in the Cantata choir broadened my choral horizons, showed me that I am good at sight singing, widened my taste in choral music (mainly in Eric Whitacre), and has given us so many opportunities like singing in Westminster Abbey.

I wish that I could go on Friday to wish him a happy retirement, but I can't afford to. I think in a way it may be God's way of saying that I'm not ready to go back yet. I have been starting to make my peace with some of the city, and some of its inhabitants. I have decided to let them win. It isn't a defeatist way of thinking, it is more that I can't be doing with it. I believe in karma, and it'll come soon enough, I'm sure. I think I have to get to the stage where I don't care if everyone hates me, that I am who I am, and if you don't like it you know where to shove it. Then I can visit the whole music department.

Maybe I should give them this face next time I see them. I'll let you know how that pans out. x
P.S check out her videos btw- fricking hilarious!

Mother's day *groan*

It is officially Mother's day today. Not the most enjoyable days of the year for me, for obvious reasons. Weirdly enough, this year I found it harder; maybe because this will be the first year that I will be home for it. I have found that I haven't asked for help though, because I don't want to ruin other people's Mother's day by hanging out with me, when they have a Mother with them. Hopefully I won't have people come up and talk about my mum tomorrow, because I just don't like it. I have got to the end of my tether about the whole thing. I cannot try and please everyone else, whilst people don't think that they could be hurting my feelings, and/or angering me.
I have also been watching Whitney Houston's last interview: the one with Oprah in 2009, and one thing that really spoke out to me was her unwavering faith in God. There was one point in the interview, when she was talking about leaving Bobby Brown. She asked for the strength to leave him. It made me think of men. Firstly, it made me think of the man I like. Maybe instead of asking God what I shall do, even though I know the answer is to tell him how I feel (and not feeling like I have the courage or the strength to), I should really be asking God to give me strength to tell him. It also made me think of my last relationship I had. I can see now, (and I could see then too, if I'm being honest) that it wasn't a good relationship. It wasn't a relationship of equals. He didn't see me as his equal, and the balance of give and take was more me giving, him taking. I knew this fact, but I stayed with him, because I was just so happy to be in a relationship, and happy to not be alone. I know now that if something is not right, they need to go. I can't stay in a bad relationship, because it would stop me from finding a good relationship, with someone I deserve. It is just finding someone that you fit like a missing puzzle piece. You could meet the nicest man in the world, but if they don't fit, they don't fit.
I like to use this song to help me think about how I want my next relationship to be. Not that the man thinks I'm perfect, but that he can accept my faults, handle my baggage, and still think the world of me (and visa versa obviously). I also want my next relationship to be a bit like this, because I think I deserve to be loved, to have a man make the same effort for me as I would for him. I deserve it.
Whether that is another brick down from the wall, who knows? I just like the song :P x

Getting the balance right

I have not long got back home from the Pops concert (as well as wind band and big band). Harder than the sci-fi music, but still fun to play some popular music scores once in a while between all the classical music.

I am really feeling it after three nights in a row of playing/singing, and will definitely be looking forward to an early night on Saturday, but I have to get used to it for my profession, as I either want to be in an orchestra, or in the pits when I leave university. Musicians generally have evening work, so it's a good routine to get into for the future. 

The transcripts have also got to the uni today, so that is another step in the right direction for university (hopefully) in September. I think that if I work well, then I hopefully will be able to get near the front desks for the orchestras next year (there are going to be five!!). I think also in September, I can feel more a part of the orchestra's as well. It is nothing against the students, they are lovely, and very welcoming, but because I feel like I'm intruding on them all, I find I become quite shy. To say this isn't in my character is an understatement! I think because I'm not a student at the uni at the moment, I feel like I don't deserve the opportunity of being in their orchestra's. I think also that because of my bad experience with a few bitchy, nasty people at Canterbury, it has made me withdraw slightly from people at Chi. Hopefully they don't perceive me as an arrogant arse! I think also I feel that because people already have their friendship groups, I don't want to get in the way of that, and I don't want to seem like the one desperate for friends. It does make me come across as standoffish, but it's just getting that balance right. Yes, I can have a good giggle, and I do love a good chinwag, but in the same token, I am there to rehearse/work, and not there 'for the experience'. I did that three years ago, and it got me nowhere. I know now that I gotta get my head down and work hard, and I can let off some steam, occasionally though, rather than every Friday night :P

Left to Right:
Me, Jaymie, Megan and Phil

Bring on symphony, and a lie in please! x

P.S I know it's technically the next day, but Happy Birthday to my Brummy lovely Jaymie!

Songs of Praise + Ramin Karimloo!!

I have had such an amazing evening. I went to the BBC Songs of Praise recording tonight. Obviously Aled Jones was there, and he was such a nice, friendly, and funny man.

Colm Wilkinson and Ramin Karimloo

For me, the best surprise was that Ramin Karimloo was there, and because we got there really early, I was sitting right at the front, less than 10ft away from him! His voice sounded so perfect, I was awestruck for most of his singing (I also will swear till the day I die, he looked at me at the end of his song, Constant Angel).
He also sung 'Bring him Home' which was such a treat. I think I was melting in my seat.
I think what I have realised is that people in the limelight are normal people. I realised that I was saying that all those famous people 'were actually quite nice!' is doing them a bit of a dis-service. Just like everyday people, there are some knobs, but most are lovely people with kind hearts. We should not have this perception that famous people are arrogant and nasty. We should just take them for as they are in person. Unfortunately I couldn't get any pictures with any of them, which is sad, but I understand that they weren't going to hang around, just so people could get a photo with them. I wouldn't.
I'm going to be glad when it is Friday, as I have had recordings yesterday and today, and a concert I'm in tomorrow evening. I'll be glad for a quiet Friday in!
But until then, here's to being busy! x

Frustrations vs Aled Jones...

I just seem to be surrounded by things that frustrate me at the moment. I saw that someone needed an alto for a choir tour to Israel. I knew I was the first person to apply, and asked for my experience. I got a reply nearly 12 hours later saying sorry but they chose someone else, sorry to of lead you on. I would of been perfect for the tour, and just can't seem to get any breaks.

I also got my results for my blood test. I have irregular hormone levels. The doctor tried to pin it of PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and told me just to lose weight (she called me 'plumpalitious', which I also didn't appreciate very much), and she was going put me on diabetes drugs to help (having the hormonal imbalance of estrogen means losing weight is that much harder. Great). I had to tell her for the third time in a week that I have already lost over a stone, that I am eating healthily and exercising. I then had to explain for the fifth time that my symptoms do not match PCOS. She went through the symptoms-that I have none of- and eventually conceded that it didn't sound like PCOS, and referred me to gyno.

I hate the fact that because I am overweight, that she automatically pinned my problems on it, and ignored my symptoms, focussing on my weight. I also hate that she constantly makes little jabs at me about my weight. After her sterling performance, it may of given me the push to change surgeries. Why should I be treated like a leaper over my weight, especially as I am doing something about it?? I can tell that she has obviously got fed up of the situation, hence the referral, just to get rid of me and my problems, and maybe to prove me wrong. I know she knows her stuff, but I know my body. 

I went to sign in today, and unfortunately the buses were running late, so got there late to my appointment. The lady who I saw rudely said that in future, I don't want you to come in late to sign in. When I explained my situation with the bus, she calmed down, but it was all to do about the fact she wanted to go out for lunch. If anything, I am normally 10 minutes early to my sign ins, and they normally make me late. It is just so ironic that the one time I was late they bring it up. I was made to feel that because I have to sign on, that I am stupid, and someone who doesn't care. Of course I want work! I wouldn't go to so much effort to get a job if I didn't want one. I wouldn't of got a job and be waiting for my training if I didn't want a job! I will just focus on the really nice man I saw before the annoying woman. 

Must not mention 'walking in the air' .

It did look up today though. I had the first Songs of Praise recording. Yes it was a bit repetitive at times, but overall it was done professionally, and with good humour. Aled Jones will be there tomorrow for the second recording. I am determined to get a photo with him. That'll certainly cheer me up a bit!!x

My poor aching body!!!

I have definitely given my body a good workout these past days! Yesterday, I started pilates, and worked out straight after. This morning, I had a weigh in- I have officially lost a stone! :D I then worked out for half an hour, and then did a Zumba class straight after. Worn out is an understatement. I really enjoyed adding in the classes though. Pilates won't be to do with losing weight, this will be to do with my posture, my core muscles, and my strength. Zumba will be burning those calories, help get some stamina for the Race for Life, and having a good dance in the process! Hopefully adding in these classes should help to lose the weight a bit quicker.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am losing weight, but I feel that I can push myself to lose the weight quicker. By my next weigh in, hopefully more weight will of come off. I put my latest chart on the fridge, to remind me of all the good progress I have made :)

I'm thinking of buying these shorts (as a well done present to myself) that have gone on sale from ASOS, but due to lent will have to wait if I want to buy them. Damn you tempting sale! I do love ASOS though. Yes, I would prefer they didn't have a separate section for plus size women, but the clothes that they sell are not all potato sacks, and are working with the latest trends. It is so hard to be plus size and fashionable, but ASOS is a godsend. Fingers crossed they will still be there when I can buy them (or if someone else wants to get them for me, I won't complain or anything ;) ).

Tomorrow I will be going to France for the day. The crib cruise (that should more aptly be named 'the booze cruise with a bit of cards') is something I've done ever since I was little, and have only missed two in the whole time it has been running. It isn't to go over to France and sightsee- there just isn't enough time to do that- but I have so many stories and funny memories of previous years. I am mainly just looking forward to getting out of the country for a bit, and to use my passport. Hopefully my French will suffice for when we are over there. One year before I got a comment from one of the men (who was very drunk) about how I've gained weight. I took it very personally. Hopefully this year no comment will be made about my weight, but if so, I will tell them how I've been doing, and tell them they should try the workout I did over the past two days! I won't wilt, hopefully I will stand tall and defend myself with dignity.

So as they say over there, au revior! x

One step at a time

I have found out that I have unofficially got a job now! I am so thankful, because I was finding it so draining being on Jobseekers. It is ironically so much easier to get another job when you already have one, so fingers crossed I can get a bar job to give me more hours. I also had my first blood test yesterday, which is not what I considered very fun to say the least. It had to be done by one of the doctors as I have really awkward veins, and had to have it done twice because something went wrong the first time. In the end they had to take it out of my hand, which I didn't really mind, or care frankly. I was just grateful that the doctor and nurse were both really nice, and both really empathetic. They were having banter, which ironically calmed me down a lot :)Anyhoo.... on to better subjects!
The pageant is definitely having a good effect on me, and on my confidence generally. I went to the gym yesterday morning, and thought I'd bring my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash with me to show my friend, when the girls dared me to wear the sash whilst working out. I felt a bit of an idiot at first, but then people started commenting saying well done, and generally being supportive. I got used to people staring at me. I normally find it hard to deal with people staring at me, because it makes me feel self-concious. I am starting to realise that getting attention can be good, as long as it's the right attention, aka no guys grabbing at me (you can look, but can't touch!). The fact I did that simple little thing gave me a well needed boost. I also can't seem to stop strutting around the place as if it's a catwalk! I'm sure that I won't go into arrogant territory, I gotta stop thinking that confidence is arrogance or cockiness. It's a good trait!
So here's a good song to reflect my mood (and my walking! :P)

I gotta have faith ;D

I feel so sorry for one of my guy mates right now! I've been moaning about everything under the sun today. He's just got the brunt of it. He has made me realise something so very important. I've been putting barriers between the guy like and myself. Also, he said that I'm only 21, that it's not the end of the world. I can't believe that I didn't see it myself.
I won't see all the good things if I keep worrying about the bad. I won't be able to tell if a guy likes me if I don't even attempt to like myself. If I keep seeing all the bad bits then that's all there will ever be. In a sense, you have to make your own luck. You have to have faith in yourself to get the good things. I feel another couple of bricks coming down from the wall. It also makes me realise how much I value my friend, mainly for putting up with my moaning :p

The last thing it made me realise? I wouldn't be the best I can be wthout the awesome friends I have supporting me x
P.S if you do like me, I am a bit oblivious (another thing I realised :p)

Team Sue and Jules!!

Today has been such a positive day. I have been thinking about doing the Race for Life this year, and after a conversation with a friend, I will definitely be doing it. Apparently, this year, Cancer Research has come up with an idea to go in groups. This way we can fundraise together for a group target. Dad said that he would help me train on Saturday mornings, and keeping up with the curves workouts.
The only niggling part is that my money comes through tomorrow. I have wanted to do this for a while now, especially after mum died, that I just want to attack this with all that it deserves. As it says on the website, each step we run is helping raise money to beat this dreadful disease. For me, I want to raise money, so that never again, will a child or a teenager lose their mum (or dad) to Cancer.

If you want to run with me, the group ID is RP7304 (we are called the dynamos!). The more the merrier, and the more likely we'll hit the £500 target I think we can raise. If you don't want to run, and you want to donate, then please donate on http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/the-dynamos
For me, when I do this, it will be a personal achievement. Not only will I of jogged the whole way, helping my fitness, but I would like to think that my mum would be proud of me. Doing this for both my mum and Jules will be an honour. They were both formidable women in their own right, and I feel they will be cheering us on, and motivating us (proverbially) from the finishing line.
So here's to Mum and Jules! x