The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

Plus Sized Wars- My Thoughts!

I have been so excited to watch Plus Sized Wars on Channel 4, ever since I saw Georgina Horne from fullerfigurefullerbust promoting it on her facebook. I was intrigued to see what spin channel 4 would take on the plus size market.
On the most part I think it showed that women of all sizes deserve beautiful clothing, but I do feel that some things need addressing.
The interviewer question about Tess Holliday- 'Do you think she is sexy?' Do you ask that about every woman he books? No, because you don't book a model as to whether you would want to have sex with them or not. His personal preferance is his. I found it insulting, because it was implied that because she isn't the 'norm' that it isn't normal to find her sexy either.
The typical 'are you promoting obesity/unhealthy lifestyle' question. No. It is not promoting obesity. Do you know what IS promoting obesity? Supermarkets having whole aisles dedicated to sweets, biscuits, chocolate, cake, takeaways, alcohol and cigarettes, with special offers left right and centre. Now let me get something straight. I am a strong believer that you can eat everything to be healthy, however it is about how much you eat, and the exercise that you put in as well. For people to believe that they can judge someone straight away purely by what they look like is a bit stupid.
If you wrote down what I ate, and then what some of my friends ate, and got people to guess who had which diet, you can bet your life they would chose my body for the worse diet. Most of the time it isn't the case at all. Some people just seem to be able to eat crap and 'get away with it'. They never get questioned on their life choices though! Why? Because their body fits the type that society has decided.
I think frankly what you do with your body is up to you. No one truly knows your health apart from you and your doctor.
Whatever size you are, you deserve to feel good about yourself, and deserve to have gorgeous clothes. Also, if you do so happen to want to lose the weight, then actually someone body shaming makes it less likely that you will lose that weight. This question is basically just subtle body shaming, implying you don't deserve nice clothes until you are smaller.
I noticed that they didn't air them asking the bloggers those questions. They would have been smacked down quicker than you can say 'obesity epidemic'.
The last thing, which I think is a travesty is that they did not mention Velvet D'Amour or Volup2 magazine! This woman has paved the way for plus size fashion and acceptance, with walking on JPG at Paris Fashion Week. Paris. One of the fashion centres of the world. Volup2 prides itself in acceptance for all!
She wasn't even introduced at all for who she is. I think that shows total disrespect for what she has done for us all.
I think on the most part though, I'm glad that the bloggers were shown for being fabulous as they are, and I think it also showed how fickle the modelling industry is. $_$

Looking on the plus size

Well it has been a pretty busy weekend!

On the Friday, I went to Katie to have my weigh in, and have lost 4 pounds over two weeks, which I am very proud of.

My latest goal is to lose 4 pounds before Christmas. I deliberately set it lower so I wouldn't feel downhearted if I stayed the same one week. Coupled with feeling better about the aeroplane seatbelt, I will have a brilliant trip to Berlin.

My favourite part of this weekend has to be my audition for Ms Curvaceous.

I was so nervous in the morning, and there were so many moments where I was changing my mind whether I was going or not.

I am very lucky that my boyfriend was very supportive, that he was able to guide me in the right direction without pushing me.

Strangely, once I knew I was definitely going, it was like the air lifted, and was focused and determined to get this right.

I went to it to gain the confidence, and be around other women who are considered plus size.

I realised that actually I had so much more confidence than I thought, and was strutting my stuff down that runway! I now really hope that I do end up becoming a finalist, because I feel that we really do need a more diverse selection of models.

I would love to be able to represent my apple shape to the fullest, but I will have to wait until December to find out.

With some of the brilliant girls I met- Selfie!

One of the best parts about the day was the people I met. The people who coached us were fantastic and gave brilliant advice to all of us there. The girls who were auditioning with me were also fantastic, and understood all too well the problems with the fashion and plus size industry.

We want to see every body be represented. From skinny to supersize, to pears, apples, lollipops, hourglasses, the petite and the tall. Everyone.

I have realised that it is up to us to change it. We need a wider variety of models, we need to stop this body shaming, and not accept the media's portrayal of a 'perfect body'.

I have now learnt that every time I look at myself, I should be proud. This body is alive, can do an hours Zumba class, can walk for miles, can duck low branches easily, and most of all, can be beautiful.

We are beautiful. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

Doors Closing and opening

These past two days I have been having fantastic experiences with my graduation and the model casting. Friday was a day of doors closing, and today has been a day of doors opening for me.

Firstly, I had my graduation at Canterbury. It was such a wonderful experience, to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral, with people that I considered friends, especially being able to graduate with my best friend :) It was also a time to build bridges with people. I was also very lucky to get all three family members that came to Canterbury to be able to see me graduate. Yes, my Mum wasn't there to see me graduate, but on the plus side, she didn't really need a seat, because she was with us.
I can now finish that chapter of my life, and move on to better and bigger things. I can keep things that I enjoyed from it, appreciate the amazing people that I met, and not worry about the bad.

Today, I had my model casting for London Plus Size Fashion Weekend. This was the first time that I have ever gone to a model casting. I was very lucky to have my best friend there supporting me. At first, I found the whole thing very daunting. There were girls there talking about their modelling, and campaigns that they have done. I felt like the only one there who wasn't a professional model. At one point, I was trying to work out in my head how to get out of the place without making it look obvious, then a lady from Evolve magazine came in to ask about the reasons as to why we were doing it. That's when I started to feel comfortable and open up. I am so glad that I stayed and saw it through, because I felt the casting went really well, and got to see some of the pageant girls as well. It's nice to see that they are doing so well for themselves.
The thing I got the most out of for that casting though was what the lady from the magazine said. She said that what they are also looking for is women who are strong and confident within themselves. I didn't think that I was, but my friend sees otherwise. Then I had a breakthrough. Those people in Canterbury who tried to make my life hell, I thank them. If they didn't try and push me down, then I wouldn't of gained the strength to fight back, to push them out of my way.
What do I say now? Keep trying, because you are helping me be the best person that I can be. x

Beautifying and Realising :)

Dotty P for the win!

So today has been pretty busy for a day off, preparing for my cousin's wedding. This morning I had my first facial at my local health and beauty place. I found it hard to shut off my brain at the time, but after I felt incredibly relaxed, with beautiful skin. I definitely will be having it again, and will hopefully be glowing on saturday :)
After that, went shopping to get accessories for this dress I'm wearing to the wedding.
I think people have no idea how hard it is to actually shop for a plus size person. Most shops won't cater for us in the first place, or do these patronising 'plus size ranges' which are basically potato sacks. It took my friend and I four hours to find a nice dress and a pair of shoes that will fit and suit me. Today, it took my friend and I an extra 3 hours to find a hair piece and a bag, and still haven't found a shrug to go with it. This time, it wasn't to do with my shape or size, but moreso all the different colours of the dress and matching them all up!
On the plus side though, I must of burnt off a lot of calories from all the walking we did ;)
When I got home, I had my hair cut, and then was off to the gym for the weekly zumba class. I can tell I'm getting back into the swing of things gym wise, as I didn't need to collapse afterwards. Always a plus. Going back to the gym has also lifted my spirits, and putting me back on track health and weight wise.
I recently got a proper diagnosis of all my hormonal problems- PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) which means I'm not so harsh on myself when I don't lose weight quicker. My doctor will hopefully be putting me on metformin tablets, commonly used for type 2 diabetes patients to control blood sugar, to try and counteract the effects of PCOS.

Taken on Guernsey during tour :)

To be honest, I'm just happy I know what is going on with my body, as it takes one stress off my mind. It also gives you a better outlook on your body. My self confidence has come up enough to post this photo, and have it as my profile pic. I would never have done anything of the sort at the beginning of the year. If I am being honest with myself, I probably wouldn't of allowed the photo to even go up on facebook, let alone post it myself! For me, I just don't care anymore if people don't like the photo. I think I look nice, and it's taken me a while to realise it, but that's all that matters. Obviously if your friends, your other half, and your family like it, then that is always a plus. In the end though, it starts with you. I'll finish this post with this little saying:
'Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in'. x

My poor aching body!!!

I have definitely given my body a good workout these past days! Yesterday, I started pilates, and worked out straight after. This morning, I had a weigh in- I have officially lost a stone! :D I then worked out for half an hour, and then did a Zumba class straight after. Worn out is an understatement. I really enjoyed adding in the classes though. Pilates won't be to do with losing weight, this will be to do with my posture, my core muscles, and my strength. Zumba will be burning those calories, help get some stamina for the Race for Life, and having a good dance in the process! Hopefully adding in these classes should help to lose the weight a bit quicker.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am losing weight, but I feel that I can push myself to lose the weight quicker. By my next weigh in, hopefully more weight will of come off. I put my latest chart on the fridge, to remind me of all the good progress I have made :)

I'm thinking of buying these shorts (as a well done present to myself) that have gone on sale from ASOS, but due to lent will have to wait if I want to buy them. Damn you tempting sale! I do love ASOS though. Yes, I would prefer they didn't have a separate section for plus size women, but the clothes that they sell are not all potato sacks, and are working with the latest trends. It is so hard to be plus size and fashionable, but ASOS is a godsend. Fingers crossed they will still be there when I can buy them (or if someone else wants to get them for me, I won't complain or anything ;) ).

Tomorrow I will be going to France for the day. The crib cruise (that should more aptly be named 'the booze cruise with a bit of cards') is something I've done ever since I was little, and have only missed two in the whole time it has been running. It isn't to go over to France and sightsee- there just isn't enough time to do that- but I have so many stories and funny memories of previous years. I am mainly just looking forward to getting out of the country for a bit, and to use my passport. Hopefully my French will suffice for when we are over there. One year before I got a comment from one of the men (who was very drunk) about how I've gained weight. I took it very personally. Hopefully this year no comment will be made about my weight, but if so, I will tell them how I've been doing, and tell them they should try the workout I did over the past two days! I won't wilt, hopefully I will stand tall and defend myself with dignity.

So as they say over there, au revior! x

Plus size problems!

For the orchestral concert on the 28th of October, we were told to wear long black dresses, without showing any knee. At first, being a girl, I was quite excited at the prospect of potentially getting another dress to add to the collection.
Today though, I have had the age old problem of sizeism in shops. It is so difficult to find a maxi dress at this time of the year, let alone all black and plus size!
It seems that people don't understand that being fat is equally as much of a psychological problem as being anorexic or bulimic. Shops still stock size 4-6, but not plus size. (Not saying that all people who are sizes 4-6 have a problem) You should be treated exactly the same as someone with anorexia or bulimia. It is first and foremost a psychological problem that is using food as a trigger. It is not a sign of being a lazy slob, and the NHS patronising people with: "food has these things called calories in them" does not help the situation.
How is making shopping difficult, making it a demoralizing experience helping them? How is that giving them more self worth?
I have lost nearly half a stone so far, but I wonder what the point is. I am still landed with the fact I can't wear the pretty clothes other girls wear. Something needs to change, and I hope and pray it will come soon. x

(Btw please let me know what you think of this dress, would appreciate the comments)