He is Back!

My sailor came back this weekend. I was so excitable all day to see him. It was just so amazing to have a normal date night with him yesterday evening. Be able to have a proper conversation. Seeing him again makes it worth him being away for that time. It was fun for me to show the work I have done to my home as well. I'm hoping to get more done whilst he is away. I'm starting to get all these amazing ideas for my home so it's fun to be able to start putting them into action.

My sailor also got me a gift from his travels. He knows I love a good quote, and got me this book. Definitely gave me motivation to put my inspirational quotes up on the wall. Now to decide where to put them. That can be another task while he's away.
This weekend has made me realise one thing though. Being in the military and having civilian friends is hard. You want to meet up with them while you are back, but plans don't always work out the way you want. You can miss important things in their life.
All I would say to civilian friends, is please know that they do care about you. Just because they aren't always able to be there or message doesn't mean they don't want to. It's unfortunately part of the job. Also, when they are home and want to see you, please do what you can. You get to see your other friends all the time. Military ones aren't always there. I'm not saying stop all your arranged plans for them. But if they want to hang out, please do what they can. Their time at home is precious, and if they want to hang out with you then you are a priority in their life.
If it's only for a day, show that to them too.

Coping with Mental Health

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas. My anxiety was back with heated avengence. This followed after I lost my job with severe depression. I got put on tablets to help, but they gave me bad headaches. I then got put on other tablets. They are starting to work. I'm being referred for high intensity CBT.
One of the best things though would have to be my best friend coming to see me this weekend. It was so refreshing. I got to show the work I have done to my flat, got the travel frames up, went to the cinema, had a girly night. Honestly one of the best weekends I have had in a while.
If you ever don't know what to do when your friend has mental health issues going on, do that. It is a blessing.

Also something that has really helped is to have a proper pamper. I have cleansed, toned, face mask, moisturised. I have had a bath with a bath bomb, salts, body scrub and body lotion. I feel so much calmer and relaxed. Giving yourself a pamper is definitely good for the soul. You are worth spending time over.
Whilst I am no closer to finding a job, I feel more positive. I have wonderful friends who care about me. I feel beautiful by spending time on myself. My sailor will be back in 5 days.
Life will get easier.

Big events and Valentine's Day

When you are with a forces man, you can't really have a love of special events.

My sailor is going away today, and missing out on probably all the special events coming up including two stag do's.

I now understand two things.

1. Why forces families can never guarantee that they will be able to do things.

2. With special occasions, the day itself isn't a massive thing.

Him not being here on Valentine's isn't a massive deal. I'm not a fan of Valentine's day anyway. (Although a bunch of flowers wouldn't have gone a miss lol!)

The time we spend together is what is important. You make it work. He is going to be away for his birthday, but going to try and make it as special as possible for him. He's away for family members birthdays. But that's where I come in, and make sure that I can make up for him not being there.

This whole navy girlfriend thing is a constant learning curve, but it'll get there. It feels so much easier him going away this time. I don't need him to be in constant contact with me. I am comfortable enough to know that he cares about me that I don't need to worry. He'll be back soon enough.
Time to enjoy my own company, and get some decorating done!
Anyone fancy helping me paint my walls? O:)

The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.