I may be short, but damn, I'm standing tall!

I've definitely seen a change in my behaviour after reading 'living la Vida Loca' (one of my blogs before). Not just towards other people, but mainly towards myself. I respect myself so much more now, and I am a lot more upbeat in my way of thinking.

I'd like this one, please.

I was watching the new episodes of 'The Vampire Diaries' earlier today. I love the show, but it is all doom and gloom, and usually brought my mood way down. I started feeling sorry for myself that I have no job, that I had to pay my phonebill today, I don't have that steady income or safety net. I could feel my mood lowering, but it was as if I had a mental thermostat. When my mood lowered to a certain point, my brain refused to go anymore, snapping me out of it, bringing me back to my normal, higher mood. That has never happened before. Normally, I would stay in that bad mood for the rest of the day, and proceed to moan to my friends for about an hour, (poor Jaymie).
Because I didn't break down to that low place, I ended up going back on jobseekers, applying for jobs online, handing out CV's in Gunwarf. Within 45 minutes of handing my CV in, Wagamama's rung me, and I have an interview tomorrow!
I am learning that bad feelings are a choice, now I'm feeling so much stronger, and feel better in myself. Forgetting about all the bad things in the day, and focusing on making things better has got me a job interview, and hopefully my jobseekers money back.
The bad things in life are what give us focus, determination, and strength to stand proud on our two feet.
I may be short, but damn, I'm standing tall!

Getting the gloves back on :D

Ever since was a little girl, I have always spoken my mind. As I got older and wiser, I got into less trouble about it. I have always been proud of the fact that I speak my mind, because it is braver than bitching, and a problem gets resolved quicker. I admit, I do occasionally rant and bitch, everyone does it, but I don't like to make a habit out of it. If I had an issue with someone, I prefer to speak out.

I then went to uni. I was in an environment where bitchiness was the norm. I started to find I was losing my bluntness in the waves of bitching. I always thought I matured at university. In some ways I did. I learnt that you have to be careful with money, and how to depend on myself.

One thing I have been wanting to change after uni, was to go back to my blunt, 'say it like it is' behaviour. I have been trying for a couple of months now, and had my big break-through last night.

A couple of months ago, a lady made a comment (subtly) about my weight, and what I was putting into my mouth. Considering I have been losing weight, been eating healthily, and went to the gym that very day in preperation, I found the whole situation very rude. I was so surprised by the comment, I didn't say anything. Ever since then, I have been wishing that I could of said something to her. Last night, I was sitting with her at a meal, and she was talking about defending herself against people's comments, and said politely, that she may not of realised it, but she upset me a while ago. She apologised straight away afterwards. I accepted the apology, but stating to please be careful in what you say to me next time.

I probably should not of done it in a public place, in front of people, (even though virtually no-one heard about the incident) but it was the first time I have stood up for myself again after uni.

Also, after posting about the bitchy Canterbury folk, I was getting 'anon' comments, trying to be derogitary. My new strength has made me realise that the comments mean nothing. As long as I know in myself that they are doing it to get attention and a rise out of me, it doesn't matter what they say. All I do is delete the comment, and then forget about it.

I am getting stronger and stronger every day. 

The world better watch out, the old Palm is back in business! :D

Vivir la vida loca!

Yesterday was such a turning point, and such a positive day for me.
I was reading this book just to give a slight change from reading 'Wild swans', and it really changed my mindset when it came to men, and how I live my life.
I have always loved dancing, so this book really appealed to me. It showed me that a man should be deserving of me, as well as the other way round. I should not always accommodate men, that they have to work equally hard as I am prepared to work.
For me, it gives perspective. I deserve a man who will put me as a top priority, who will make the effort and treat me right.
I have always been the 'accommodater', the one who would sometimes make so much effort for the man, and get nothing in return. Looking back at my last relationship, I was so happy to be in a couple, ignoring all the warning signs of his bad behaviour towards me, because I was in a relationship. I have realised that it is better to be single, to be available for the right man, than put up with a bad relationship. To quote the book concerning finding the right guy:
'I walk down the street, I fall down a hole. It takes me forever to figure out how to climb out. I walk down the street, fall down a hole, this time I know how to get out. I walk down the street, I walk around the hole. Next time..I walk down a different street!'
I am walking down a different street now, one where a man has to deserve me to obtain me. Yes, I do make an effort, but I expect him to do the same. I will have a partnership of equals, not me being the submissive woman. In the same token, I will not put myself in that role. If a man tries to put me in that role, it's 'Sayōnara' and onto greener pastures.
In another way, the book has rekindled my wanting to travel. I want to see the world, I want to experience different cultures. It's not that I don't love England, I do! I think that not having a passport, (something I have also been sorting out) made me feel very constricted. I got some travel brochures for Cuba, so hopefully this will placate me until I have the money to go. My -slightly warped- thought process is that if I can save for a holiday, I won't be spending money, helping me save. It'll take me a good couple of years for me to save, which is the time I need to be the most frugal anyway.
I felt yesterday was going to be a positive day. I feel that today is going to be me putting things at rest. I'll be going to the gym, getting my last bits of lush goodies before the discount goes, and going to the tweenies meal.
In my way, I can put the lush job to rest, and keep the friends that I made in the process.
Now I've found my gorgeous shoes, (after some serious praying!) I can get ready to go out and enjoy the tweenies meal. I know that people will be moaning about something, but I have to stay out of it. I am determined to enjoy this meal!
 Time for me to do something with my day- have a good weekend! x

Really Canterbury?!?

This weekend has been a weird mix. Today I got to hang out with some of the youngun's from church- it really does make a difference to be able to be with people of the same age who are Christian. The church I go to is lovely, but I do prefer to be with people my own age if I can, as I can be a young adult again. When people have known you since you were 4, I think they find it hard to treat you the age you are.

Yesterday was pretty awesome. I got to see one of my really good friend's from uni, we went to Camden, and watched Nigel Kennedy. 

I had never been to Camden before, so for me it was really fun to experience that part of London. When you go into the markets, it genuinely feels as if you are in a different country. Nigel Kennedy was also amazing! He completely re-vamped the four seasons, using all his influences of jazz, improvisation, and polish music to make it his own. 

The other side of this weekend was finding that some people in Canterbury STILL bitch about me, even though I have gone. REALLY??? Do they really have nothing else to do in their lives but bitch about people? People who have already gone? About topics which are personal, like graduating at the same time as their year? 

Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit it, but it did upset me a bit. The other side of me? I pity them. Their lives must be so unsatisfying that they have to talk about mine (they don't even see me anymore.). Bringing other people down is normally a sign of some insecurity in themselves.

Some people in Canterbury need to get their heads out of their arses. When you get out of university, you are going to be nothing, and if you behave in the outside world like they are at university now, you will get chucked out and blackballed. Simple. 

It has definitely proved that I was wise enough to of stayed home. I don't think that I could of coped being in that environment for another year. Chichester is bigger, which means I don't really need to talk to people very much (if I don't want to talk to them), my personal issues are mine again, the students get taught by teachers who teach at Conservatoires, and one of their main rules is no bitching.

I think Canterbury music dep staff (and the bitching students) need to learn a thing or two. I can't wait to school them for the choir festival next year! ;) x

Am I finally maturing...?!?

Today has been a weird mix, but mainly full of mature, adult things that needed to be done.
I was applying for jobs this morning, and I really am starting to feel disheartened. The jobs I found wouldn't give me an interview, and the others are hard for me to get to.
It definitely is hard for young people these days. We couldn't get a job at first, because we didn't have enough qualifications. Now that we have qualifications, we are over-qualified. We also have to fight against mature, experienced people who have lost their jobs.
There definitely is a plus side to this- I had my interview with Halfords today. After working for Lush, it felt quite weird to have a formal interview again! I thought it went quite well though, but who knows? I definitely tried my hardest, and that is all that I can do. Hopefully I get a phone call from them soon :)
In the evening I helped out at my old youth club, which is always really fun. I get to put the volunteering onto my CV, which is always a help, but I really do it for the kids. I always really enjoyed going to youth club at the end of the week, and I do feel that it is a nice way for me to give back. The kids are also really nice, and I think they see me as someone that they can talk to, but hopefully someone that they should respect. Without sounding arrogant, I think the kids enjoy it when I'm there too, and one of the parents said that their child only likes it when I'm there. It's quite daunting, but it helps keep me motivated to go and help.
I think children do pick up on whether people want to be there or not. Bless him, but I can tell that the leader has been coerced into running the youth club. The kids have no rapport with the leader, and they want to constantly do something, not just sit around and do nothing every other week. I am in the unique position that the kids do talk to me, and it is difficult, as I do agree that they want something to do, but it's not my place to say anything, as I know the response would be "well you run it then".

Typical picture of Boom and I.

On to lighter subjects eh!
I'm am so excited for tomorrow, firstly because I will be seeing Bethan, (aka BOOM buddy) and I haven't seen her in ages! Secondly, we are going to London, to see Nigel Kennedy play the four seasons. For me, he is the master of those works, and to hear it live is going to be EPIC.

It was great to chat to boom to sort out arrangements for tomorrow, but to also sort out where we're going to meet, what we're going to do, and working through all the underground closures, it is nice to sort out the nitty gritty details, rather than leaving the job to someone else. I even thought of going to see some exhibitions...scary eh! Knowing us though, I think we'll slip into our usual chatter about random crap and de-mature pretty quickly!
Fingers crossed we will, all this maturity from me is a bit freaky. x

AUDITION!!!/North of London Syndome

Yesterday, as you could probably tell, I was having a right tantrum. Today just seems to bring amazing opportunities my way.
I finished an application for Halfords, handed it in, and got a phone call at about 5pm asking me for an interview on Friday, (thank you Neil for putting in a good word!!). I have applied to go touring with a indie/gypsy band round the UK and mainland Europe, which will probably include Austria, Germany, and Switzerland. For me this is an opportunity for me to see the world, (well, some of Europe at least). I have been to France, the Canary Islands, and Zante, and I am so desperate to visit more- and my orchestral director in Chichester is fine with it, which means I won't be in the doghouse before I start university again! I got a message from them back asking me to email them, and I've got a flipping audition!!! AHHH!!! :D
I have applied for the pageant, as it isn't exactly going to be bad for my self esteem (and I get a sash :D).

A resolution -which is admittedly very late- that I have made today is to swot up on my geography. Yesterday I was talking to my friend from Manchester, and I really showed how bad I am at geography north of London. I like to call this 'North of London Syndrome', commonly referred to as being a southerner. I know where virtually everything is south of London. I even know the London Underground, but you take me past London and I get all confused :S
 I always thought it was just quite cute and nice to live in ignorance of northern geography. Lately I've been feeling like a moron. I have started my studying, (I can hear Jaymie saying "Praise the Lord!") and now know where some of the counties are, and realised that Cumbria is a county, not a city!
Slowly but surely eh...x

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

It is gradually getting closer to my most hated time of the year- Valentine's Day. This is the day when smug couples become even more smug, and force their pity over those who are single.

Thanks for that, E. E. Cummings.

I don't think it helps that being single is a taboo subject. A single's most hated question is: "So, how's your love life?"

Firstly, it's none of your damn business. Secondly, when I explain that I am very much single at the moment, the response is a sigh saying something along the lines of 'you'll find someone, don't worry!'

Great. Now I'm being pitied. Fantastic. The other phrase that will come out is- 'oh I do miss being single'. Oh sorry, I forgot that having someone there to support you, love you, whom you trust (and visa versa) is such a terrible thing.

It would help if retail generally thought of the single people during the 'loved up' month. It would certainly make shopping a better experience. Retail, and smug couples need to respect the fact that people are single. Cater for us as well this month, we single's do exist!

On the plus side, I have moved a step forward visa vi men. I have learnt this week that there is such a thing as bad attention. I always used to think any attention was good attention. It isn't. I have gained more respect in myself, and from the sounds of it, a bit of self worth. My other step forward is that the guy I like doesn't like me like that, and I've been in denial about it the whole time. It's taught me that I shouldn't have to do all the legwork. If a guy really likes you, he would/should make the effort just as much as you. 

I think Aretha explains it a bit better than I have :P x

Oh Brother....

My little brother is away on frosty camp this weekend with the scouts.
My first thought was I won't be disturbed in the morning for two whole days! I was definitely very excited to not see him for a couple of days.
I had my lie-in which I took full advantage of. Dan didn't pester the cat at every opportunity. Dad and I (mostly dad) were able to sort out the kitchen and rid it of the crap that you obtain over the years, but without Daniel, the house feels weird. I'm in this weird state of being happy the house is quieter, but kinda bummed that there is less life in the house.
We also went to the quiz tonight. Yes, it was nice not to have Dan muck about for most of the evening, and not eating all the food we brought, but I get so much more frustrated at things at the quiz (people saying the answers loudly, people taking the game waaay too seriously, etc) that I found I didn't enjoy it as much, and normally I love quizzes!
I might change my mind yet again tomorrow morning, as I get to have the chance to talk to people properly rather than my brother winding me up the wrong way. Who knows?

The poor cat.

Brothers. They may wind you up silly, torture the snobby cat, and embarrass you, but frankly you do miss them a little when they leave. x

Don't you just love a positive, productive day?

I love having a productive day. I have nearly finished my UCAS application, (which I thought was to be sent today, but realised it's by Sunday, thank goodness!) I've been looking for jobs again, so hopefully having my temporary Lush job should look really good on my CV- Lush has a good reputation for customer service. I have also decided to do the pageant in the end :D I think that I need something out of my comfort zone, and I need a bit more confidence. It also gives me a new goal with my weight loss and motivation. Just need some new photos to send off and I'll be ready!
I have been looking at some of my photos from 2011, and though it is not a drastic change, I can tell that I am losing weight. My oblique muscles were aching earlier this week, (a good sign) and I seem to have lost weight from my back, but seem to of kept my boobs! Result! I also was able to buy a size lower and fit into it as well, which was very exciting :D
I can feel that my confidence is starting to grow- at an 18th birthday party Saturday, I had so much fun dancing both bollywood and chart dancing- after a slightly shaky bollywood start- and as the evening went on (and more wine was consumed) I was feeling unstoppable, and didn't care whether I looked like a complete idiot. Yes, it may of been down to the drink, but who cares? I was confident, and I haven't felt that in a very long time.
I have also found the awesomeness which is anime! A lushie friend of mine introduced Ghost in the Shell to me, and I love it. It may not have plus size females in there, but the 'major' is the strongest of them all, in command, and kicks arse! It is good to see a truly strong female main character in a series. It defies the characterisation of women being bitches, using sex to get what they want, or on the other side of the scale, women who need a man to function. We need more strong women in the media, as most shows depict a strong woman as a bitch, which frankly is not helping at all.

What I'm trying to say very inarticulately, is that all these little positive things are helping me be more confident, more comfortable in my own skin, and who I want to be, and that can only be a good thing. x
P.S I want the major's purple hair.

Me? In a Pageant?!?

Been having a normal couple of days, then had a rather busy day today!

Dad and I were having the Monks and the Handy's round for Curry. Normally, we would order Chinese or Indian takeaway, but due to dad's hospital scare, the idea of then having takeaway seemed a bit silly! 

So Rosemary and Lesley would make the curry, and we would provide starters, rice and dessert. I had this idea of making mango cheesecake...

This was what the practice run looked like. Looked nice, though had rather a lot of cheese on top! So decided on changing how I did the recipe slightly, went terribly wrong, and thank goodness Lesley was able to fix it, putting in eggs to keep it all together so I could bake it. Dessert sorted. I then learnt how to make curry properly, and realised how incredibly easy it actually is. 

Imbetween cooking for the dinner party, going to the gym, and everyone coming round, I got a surprising message from a lady from a job website I'm on:

She thinks I would be perfect to enter this beauty pageant!

I am checking out whether this is real obviously, but the thought of being in a pageant never crossed my mind. I act like a loudmouthed trucker, who isn't necessarily a tom-boy, but not a girly girl either. I was definitely surprised when she thought I would be good!

As you probably know from earlier posts, I have been having some self worth issues concerning my body, but when this message came through, my confidence definitely shot up. I was good enough to compete against a whole load of other beautiful curvy women. That must mean that I don't look as bad as I thought I did!

It definitely is an opportunity, and I might just take it (after I checked that it is reputable), just to take myself out of my comfort zone. It also gives me a goal weight-wise to work on.

I don't believe in coincidence. There is a reason for everything, you just have to find it.

I am sure I won't be able to get a career out of being a plus size model, but it might be a good hobby and help me feel better about myself.

Hell, we only get to live once, why not enjoy it? x

Why hello 2012!

I am so very happy to see in the new year. 2011 has been an interesting year, with for me some significant lows, but also positive movement in the right direction. I will remember that I started my weight loss in 2011. I will remember the fact that I rebuilt my friendship with a now very good friend of mine.
For me, the 31st of December was so refreshing, looking back at it. I didn't get the Lush job in the end. Looking at it now, I realised that it was probably a very good thing. I really loved working at lush, but it wouldn't of been the same, as I wouldn't of been with my closer friends. I think in a way if I kept the job, I think I would of got stuck in a rut. It wouldn't of been Lush's fault obviously.
I went to a family friend's party gathering for new years celebrations. It was really fun to not get drunk, to play quizzes and charades. In a way I feel that I am maturing into an adult, making my own decisions, and making a path for myself.

New years day at church was half full, (I think everyone was still recovering from the night before :P) but a nice short service, and a normal day.
When dad and I were travelling to asda, we heard on bbc radio solent about an astrologer on the show, helping us with our 2012 futures.
I always have been interested in astrology, but I sometimes don't always think it's right. I somehow got to the end of the show, (BBC iplayer radio solent) and she was saying things that were surprising me. Very spooky indeed, especially as she was mentioning insecurities that I never talk about with many people at all.
She was mentioning me in a relationship, and it has firstly given me hope that I will not always be alone. In a sense, I feel that I don't need any new years resolutions, I just need to trust myself.
Whether or not you trust/believe in astronomy, just trust yourself, and you will always get through whatever battles or troubles you have.
Happy new year guys! x