Doors Closing and opening

These past two days I have been having fantastic experiences with my graduation and the model casting. Friday was a day of doors closing, and today has been a day of doors opening for me.

Firstly, I had my graduation at Canterbury. It was such a wonderful experience, to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral, with people that I considered friends, especially being able to graduate with my best friend :) It was also a time to build bridges with people. I was also very lucky to get all three family members that came to Canterbury to be able to see me graduate. Yes, my Mum wasn't there to see me graduate, but on the plus side, she didn't really need a seat, because she was with us.
I can now finish that chapter of my life, and move on to better and bigger things. I can keep things that I enjoyed from it, appreciate the amazing people that I met, and not worry about the bad.

Today, I had my model casting for London Plus Size Fashion Weekend. This was the first time that I have ever gone to a model casting. I was very lucky to have my best friend there supporting me. At first, I found the whole thing very daunting. There were girls there talking about their modelling, and campaigns that they have done. I felt like the only one there who wasn't a professional model. At one point, I was trying to work out in my head how to get out of the place without making it look obvious, then a lady from Evolve magazine came in to ask about the reasons as to why we were doing it. That's when I started to feel comfortable and open up. I am so glad that I stayed and saw it through, because I felt the casting went really well, and got to see some of the pageant girls as well. It's nice to see that they are doing so well for themselves.
The thing I got the most out of for that casting though was what the lady from the magazine said. She said that what they are also looking for is women who are strong and confident within themselves. I didn't think that I was, but my friend sees otherwise. Then I had a breakthrough. Those people in Canterbury who tried to make my life hell, I thank them. If they didn't try and push me down, then I wouldn't of gained the strength to fight back, to push them out of my way.
What do I say now? Keep trying, because you are helping me be the best person that I can be. x

Life = BUSY

Well I have truly settled back into university, and the work now really starts.
I am in uni three times a week, back at the Post Office after my obligatory 3 weeks off, and started driving lessons. To add onto this I am in three Orchestra's, with one that I lead, with three concerts coming up, and potentially three tours this year as well.
Busy is an understatement. Strangely though, I seem to be much happier in myself because of it. Yes, it is very stressful (especially when you leave your violin in your dad's car one morning, and forget to email yourself your orchestration...) but I have such a great support system in place, especially my other half, who supports me every step of the way. I seem to really fit in with everyone here, and I have really immersed myself in the work that has been given to me.
I enjoy practicing, and I feel so much more confident in my skills as a violinist.
On the down-side, I have not had the opportunity, or frankly the time to get to the gym. That in a sense does affect your self confidence, especially when you have to give your dress size for a dress to be made for you. I have less time to eat well, and it is so difficult to balance that out. That is the life of a musician. I will be starting to make a concerted effort to get back to the gym, and to maintain healthy choices. When I have free days/evenings, I will start to cook my own food again, to do my own food shopping, and to build my mental strength against bad food choices. Instead of having chinese with the boyfriend when we have dinner, I could cook. There is always a way around problems.
I am learning though that everything comes in time. Something will always fall on the wayside, but in time, I will learn how to balance my life. I won't always be able to keep on top of everything, but perseverance is the key to most problems.
So keep going, because life is a one way street. x

A new slate

This week I have started my first week at Chichester University. It has admittedly been confusing at some times, but I am so excited to get stuck in, to work hard, and get back to my main passion!
What has really stood out has been everyone being helpful, friendly and supportive. It's nice to know that you have people that will give you a helping hand along the way. I think I was lucky that I was able to invade a year early, as it meant people already knew my face, and wasn't so much of a shock when I came bouncing into their lectures ;D
The only peculiar part of it is the fact I'm only needed at uni on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Going from full time at the Post Office, where I was working as many hours as possible, 3 days a week doesn't seem much. It is just reminding yourself that the time is supposed to be used for practice and ensembles. I think Music is one of those degrees where you do have to have a serious amount of self discipline, and motivation to be able to do well. I am excited to be able to develop these skills.
The other exciting bit of news is that I have got to the finals of Miss Real Girl 2013! (2013 Finalists) Considering that the amount of applicants for this pageant last year was 100-200, I feel extremely honoured to of got to the finals this year coming. What a difference it makes from last year, when my self confidence and self worth was at an all time low, where I was dealing with Canterbury/uni issues, and a couple of months ago I had another dip in my confidence, it's good to be able to be proud of myself again. I am very grateful to of gone into Miss British Beauty Curve this year, because it showed me that there are so many other curvy, beautiful women out there, and I can be one of them. This year coming, I'm going in with a different attitude. Ever since I went to Southsea Fashion Week, it has driven me to want to see women of all shapes and sizes on the catwalk. I want people to see that they will be represented, whatever your body type. I am not going in just for myself anymore. I am going in to prove one point. We are all beautiful.
On a different note that sums it all up, I went into Lush today, to get get some little things, and did the emotional brilliance wheel. The first thing it said was that I was happy. In all honesty, I don't think I have been so happy in quite a while. My professional career is back on track, I have gained confidence in myself, my personal life is good, got to another pageant final, and have a good support system, holding my hand every step of the way.
So my message is to trust yourself, because it will all come out right in the end. x

Feeling accepted

So yesterday I went to Southsea Fashion Week's Haute Couture and Avant Garde shows. I wore my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash, and found a fabulous designer- Gerli Liivamagi. Her designs were breathtaking, and in St Peter's Church, it was so haunting. I will definitely be bugging her to make the dresses for my size ;D (http://www.gerliliivamagi.com)
What I also loved was the response that I got from people on the night. I was a bit worried about wearing my sash at first, especially as plus size is such a taboo in fashion, but what I got from so many people was smiles. To feel accepted on my first public outing was such a confidence boost for me, and in the interval, I bumped into some of the models, who were beautiful inside and out, and met Miss Portsmouth Popularity who was modelling that evening.
I hope that in my little way, I showed that plus size is prevalent in fashion. I think the fashion world is moving closer and closer to accepting people of all shapes and sizes, and it just needs a spark.
It is going to be a difficult week for me, being my mother's anniversary. But I have made a promise to myself, that this bank holiday every year, I will do something new, and that way, it'll feel like she is with me every step of the way, that she isn't missing out on everything in my life. This year, it was the fashion week. I think she gave me the courage to go out there and wear my sash.
So mum, this one is for you. x

I love fashion, but will fashion ever love me?

As many plus women out there will know, it is very difficult to get the latest fashions, and to shop in the highstreet. Granted, there are many shops that do cater for us, and some who give us a special plus size range, but so many like warehouse and topshop to name a few, don't cater for the plus size woman, and doesn't intend to.

Velvet d'amour at Paris 2006

 I have seen so many plus size women start to break the boundaries in fashion (with velvet d'amour being a great example) that it has given me hope. We need to challenge the version of 'the norm'. We need to make it a necessity for us to see real women on the catwalk, not just the token plus size model here and there.
I will be attending Southsea fashion week this weekend, which is my local city, and the city I represented for Miss British Beauty Curve 2012. I am very excited to go, not just to see all the beautiful designs, but a little birdy told me there are a couple of plus size ranges in there. It makes me proud to call myself a pompey lass, and gives me reason to think that fashion will truly love plus size women one day.
So if you are at the haute couture and avant garde shows this weekend, come say hello! :D x

Heroes and fine examples.

Today, I saw this photo from the 1968 Olympics. I never knew that this happened until today. In this modern day and age, we see people as people, rather than look at the colour of their skin. Growing up in the south of England, I don't see many people who aren't white, but I have been taught (as I should) to treat everyone with respect. It wasn't always like that.
At the 1936 Olympics, Hitler wanted to prove that looking a certain way (white, blonde hair, blue eyes) made you stronger, faster, most powerful. Jesse Owens humiliated Hitler by proving that theory very wrong.
The story of this 1968 photo shows such respect. Tommie Smith, John Carlos, and Peter Norman, and their fight for equality,.
What really hits home for me is Peter Norman. I can understand Smith and Carlos's plight, but I can identify with Norman. His words: 'I'll stand with you' when the Americans told him what they were going to do. It was also Norman who suggested that Smith and Carlos share the black gloves used in their salute, after Carlos left his gloves in the Olympic Village. They all ostracised themselves from their country's media, they put their athletics career in jeopardy. It brought hope that we can move forward as humans. The other great achievements were Nicola Adams and Jade Jones's gold medals. The first time women's boxing is introduced to the Olympics. The first gold medal ever and it goes to Great Britain. The first time Great Britain has won in Taekwondo. These are the people we should look up to; not the BB contestants, not the reality 'stars'.Here's to the rest of the games, here's to the heroes, the inspiration people of the past, the present, and the future. x

Onwards and Upwards!

For a little while, I have been trying to sort out my entry year into university. Yesterday I got a breakthrough, and got the entry level and the course I wanted! For me this is a big sigh of relief- I don't need to worry about my academic future, being one less thing to worry about. 

I can now prepare for university life: apply for the student loan, try to work out my timetable, get practising, and sort my work life around uni. This time I can apply myself, not worrying about whether I am being sociable enough, and whether people like me. I obviously don't want everyone to hate me, but living at home, and being a little bit older, I won't be in the department 24/7 to do everything, and won't be involved in the politics of the department.

Invading a year early has really helped me get the feel of the department and how it is run. I also have had a chance to get to know some of the people that are there. Going straight into third year will mean that these people would of already made their friendship groups. It can make life a lot harder, especially if you all need to work together. Having that year would mean I feel more comfortable, especially the Guernsey trip, because it means I already know people, and hopefully won't be afraid to come up and talk to me, and visa versa.

I am now incredibly excited, and ready to get my teeth into this year. This is my last chance saloon. I will push myself as far as I need to to get these results, and be able to say I have a degree with honours. To give those Canterbury people who doubt(ed) me the proverbial finger. To show them the amazing opportunities that I have been given, and the opportunities I hope to get in the future. A step back is sometimes what you need to move forward.

Now to sort out the rest of my life! ;p x

A proud brit right now :D

Being a brit, we do moan and complain about everything. We moaned about the bad weather. We moaned about the hot summery weather, then moaned about the weather turning fair again. We moan about the state of society, we moan about the government, and life in Britain.

Showing a bit of support :D

The olympics have really made me realise how proud I am to live in Britain. The opening ceremony was such a celebration of british life, our history, our sense of humour, and our creativity. Yes, we do have problems, but so does every country in the world. It was when we hosted the Olympics that there is a women's boxing event, and a woman in every competing team. For me, that is such an achievement in itself without the ceremony.
I am also so proud of the GB team in women's football. I have never watched a female football match before, but went up to Cardiff to go watch them play. The guts, skill, determination, and team work they showed in their match was amazing. I now have a new sport that I want to watch, with such great role models for it.
Considering the men's performance at the euro's this year, it's nice to have a home team we can really get behind. After their amazing performance against Brazil, I hope they get more media coverage after the Olympics. I certainly intend to watch games and get more into the sport after the Olympics personally. To me, they deserve the coverage over the men.
For the first time in a while, I am a proud brit. Here come the girls, and here's hoping that their good example continues and spreads over Great Britain.

Beautifying and Realising :)

Dotty P for the win!

So today has been pretty busy for a day off, preparing for my cousin's wedding. This morning I had my first facial at my local health and beauty place. I found it hard to shut off my brain at the time, but after I felt incredibly relaxed, with beautiful skin. I definitely will be having it again, and will hopefully be glowing on saturday :)
After that, went shopping to get accessories for this dress I'm wearing to the wedding.
I think people have no idea how hard it is to actually shop for a plus size person. Most shops won't cater for us in the first place, or do these patronising 'plus size ranges' which are basically potato sacks. It took my friend and I four hours to find a nice dress and a pair of shoes that will fit and suit me. Today, it took my friend and I an extra 3 hours to find a hair piece and a bag, and still haven't found a shrug to go with it. This time, it wasn't to do with my shape or size, but moreso all the different colours of the dress and matching them all up!
On the plus side though, I must of burnt off a lot of calories from all the walking we did ;)
When I got home, I had my hair cut, and then was off to the gym for the weekly zumba class. I can tell I'm getting back into the swing of things gym wise, as I didn't need to collapse afterwards. Always a plus. Going back to the gym has also lifted my spirits, and putting me back on track health and weight wise.
I recently got a proper diagnosis of all my hormonal problems- PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) which means I'm not so harsh on myself when I don't lose weight quicker. My doctor will hopefully be putting me on metformin tablets, commonly used for type 2 diabetes patients to control blood sugar, to try and counteract the effects of PCOS.

Taken on Guernsey during tour :)

To be honest, I'm just happy I know what is going on with my body, as it takes one stress off my mind. It also gives you a better outlook on your body. My self confidence has come up enough to post this photo, and have it as my profile pic. I would never have done anything of the sort at the beginning of the year. If I am being honest with myself, I probably wouldn't of allowed the photo to even go up on facebook, let alone post it myself! For me, I just don't care anymore if people don't like the photo. I think I look nice, and it's taken me a while to realise it, but that's all that matters. Obviously if your friends, your other half, and your family like it, then that is always a plus. In the end though, it starts with you. I'll finish this post with this little saying:
'Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in'. x

Caught by surprise

Well it's been a bit of an emotional day! My local church hosts our local music festival every year, and on the last day they invite members of the church to perform during the morning service. I got asked to play, and couldn't do the violin piece I wanted to do with the notice given, so I thought that I would perform mum's song. I thought it was going to be fine.
It got to the time to play it, and I just freaked. I still performed the song to the best of my ability, but I felt so anxious/emotional/out of control, my leg that wasn't using the pedal was shaking uncontrollably. I felt fine straight after, because I got it out of the way, but after the service, the song brought me down into a low place. The song is so sentimental, so personal, it drains you completely. For the rest of the day, I have been feeling really down. It wasn't intentional, I just hope the people don't think I am a glutton for punishment!
What I am really glad for is the support I have around me. I have had a chat with someone I consider a family friend, and is a bit like my musical parent replacement. It's nice to know that you aren't barking mad. A control freak, but not barking mad. You do need to speak out loud what you are thinking sometimes. It helps to re-arrange the thoughts in your head.
I will definitely think very hard before I do it again. For me, it proves the point that music is so emotionally connected to us all, that a mere 3 minute song can do so much for our mood. Without feeling the unhappy moments, you cannot experience the pure joy you get from music, whether it is playing it, or just listening.
I know now that I needed that moment. Now I just need to cheer the hell up :P x

Damn you tonsillitis.

This week since I got tonsillitis I have been staying away from people, so that I don't pass it on to anyone else. I have missed out on the sun, eating proper food, seeing people I care about, the plans I missed, and potentially the plans I made for the rest of this week and the next. Being ill gets kinda lonely. It also makes you feel like you are being left behind. Everything grinds to a halt, and you feel separated from the people around you. 

For me at the moment, it isn't a good thing. My mood has dropped considerably. I find it very hard to ask for help or comfort, and it seems so selfish to ask a friend to text, or message me to cheer me up. I am instead using my two passions to cheer me up: reading, and music.

Yes, I still feel down in the dumps, but I could feel a lot worse. This way, I don't have to lean on others to get through the little things, and I can just ride it out.

For the rest of you, enjoy the silence for the next couple of days :P x

Letting some of the past go :)

So I'm back from Canterbury. It was strange, it felt half like I came home, but my anxiety, my stress shot straight back up just by being there. Canterbury felt like my home because I was around my friends. When they all leave though, Canterbury will just be a mis mash of good and bad memories. In a sense it reminds me of a friend's blog post- Star of the Reef- I am LEGEND and her time back in Canterbury. I didn't tackle nearly as much as she did, but I think I can start to close that chapter in the book, I can begin to move on.
The thing I was most proud of was when I saw the guy who tried to make my life hell. The minute I saw him, I was nervous, and my anxiety went into overdrive. I had no idea what to do, so I thought I would just smile at the whole group he was with. He was making Nazi signs, and it was at that moment I realised. Why the hell did I care? Why the hell should he be so important? And the last one- I am so much better than that. I laughed so much as soon as they passed, out of happiness, and wondering what all the fuss was about.
I hate to say it, but I see it in people who come here. They either thrive, or the city becomes poisonous. For me, it was poison. Coming home has got most of it out. I think I will always find Canterbury a difficult place to go back to, but this visit shows that I can go back on my terms, seeing the people I want to see, rather than individuals I don't want to see. If I see someone I dislike, I know I can deal with it.
On a slightly crappy note, I now have tonsillitis. I get like this when I am very busy. It has been a nice busy mainly, but it is definitely my body saying enough. I couldn't go out and enjoy the sun/go to pops today, go shopping/choir tomorrow, or work Friday and Saturday. I was also really looking forward to seeing people this week that I haven't seen in ages, (or feel like I haven't seen in ages). On the plus side, I have an excuse to eat ice cream, now I just need to convince my dad to buy some :D
 This had better go by Sunday. My church choir and a choral society are joining together for evensong, singing 'I was Glad' by Parry. It always reminds me of Cantata choir singing it at graduations, singing the second soprano part with Emma. One of the better memories of university for definite.
Well I think it's time for me to try and get better. Hope you have a great week. x

It's going well so far... :D

So I got into Canterbury at 4:30pm this afternoon, and within 30 minutes I was drinking a cocktail. Canterbury obviously has that effect on me! (In fairness, it was called a quiet Sunday..) As I didn't go to church this morning, I went to evensong in Canterbury. It has been the first time I have gone to Lutheran Vespers. I really enjoyed the fact that it didn't take Christian unity week, to bring together different denominations. I also found it very amusing that I got blanked by two people I used to know at that church. Now, I wasn't exactly expecting bunting and banners, but to be ignored in a church of all places? I find hilariously funny.

Being in Canterbury has made me realise many things. Firstly, I did have some amazing times here. I have some amazing friends here too. Secondly I really have started to mature since I left Canterbury. I don't get upset so much over the little things. I don't care that those two people flat out ignored me, because that would just ruin my mood, and frankly I have better things to do. Thirdly, I realised that I am so much happier now than what I was. Some of the friends I have seen today have said that I seem different. They said that I seem better. I really am. I only see it in myself when I'm back here. I feel so much calmer, more relaxed, and at peace.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I will be meeting friends for lunch, going to see my old violin teacher, having drinks and going to the Cuban. It all sounds very adult now. I'm sure that'll all change soon enough :P x

It's all been worth it :)

Today has been pretty darn productive- work in the morning, got home and had lunch, ordered lush retro goodies, rehearsal, and a fantastic concert! This week has been tiring, physically and mentally, but the end result tonight was pretty amazing!
We have had a guest conductor this week- Cristian Brancusi, working on Verdi- Overture “La Forza del Destino”, Gershwin- Rhapsody in blue, and Saint-Saens- Symphony No 3 “Organ Symphony”. The concert tonight was just amazing, and for me a great preliminary of what is to come of my university life. 
On the flip side, I will be heading to Canterbury for a couple of days tomorrow. It is going to feel pretty strange, as I have really made myself at home in Chichester, and it will be the first time I'll be there without being a student. 
It will be a great opportunity to meet with old friends, and to start making peace with the place. I need to start remembering all the good memories I had there, as well as the bad ones. These next couple of days will be making good memories with people I truly care about, and isn't that what life is all about?
I am really sad I won't be able to see them all in one go this time, but hopefully there will be other times. 
I also am really excited to go on tour to Guernsey with the Chi Uni Pops Orchestra. I have only ever been on tour once, and even then, I'm not sure if it really counted. I was seriously worried about the camping side (after a camping trip with my dad when I was 7 years old, and dad forgot to mention it was with a whole load of boy scouts. I promised myself I would never camp again.) Now that dad got me a pop up tent and a sleeping bag, I feel a lot better about the whole situation. Not sure how I will cope with having quick showers, but I'm sure I'll get there. I still haven't really thought about packing, but I'll sort it when I'm back from Canterbury. I'm sure it won't be the night before...
Anyhoo, I need some sleep. Night everyone, have a great week! x

Catch ups and a birthday...

I asked for one candle.
Not exactly what I meant... 

So it was kind of my birthday today. I spent most of it rehearsing with Chi Uni Symphony Orchestra, and got a rendition of 'happy birthday' from them all, which was really sweet. It has definitely made me realise I have made the right choice. People there are supportive, kind, and so helpful as a whole. Obviously the friends I made in Canterbury are equally as supportive, but it is just on a bigger scale here. My confidence in my playing is coming back, and I'm enjoying rehearsals, yet also have a good time doing it, which frankly is what music is all about :)
I have also- eventually- arranged my trip to Canterbury to see my friends. I kept saying I would be up to visit, but life kept getting in the way. I don't think I'll be visiting the music department, I think that would be pushing it a bit, but to see my friends will be amazing. I have missed them so much, and am excited to go out and pretend to still be a student for a couple of days nights, and hope my facebook will cope with the aftermath. :P It will feel strange to be out with the Canterbury crew being 22/not technically a student. For all I know, I may not be cut out to do this clubbing malarky anymore. Poor things, they must feel like they will be going out with an OAP!
I think I am just not used to being 22 yet. It has been a very grown up affair this year for the first time ever, and loved coming home to open my presents, rather than opening them in a mad frenzy first thing in the morning.
All in all, a successful birthday. Here's to being 22; another crazy year down, time to buckle up for the next! x

Opening Up

I have been having a busy couple of weeks, hence my sparse blogging. It has been a mix of looking after my brother, training for my new job at the Post Office, and Chi Uni Symphony Orchestra rehearsals.
For me I really enjoy being busy, and having something to do. Being out of a job since January was getting hard, but I find I work best with a schedule, with me organising things around my life.
Last weekend I found incredibly tough. Dad was away for the weekend in Walsingham, and I was looking after Dan when I wasn't in rehearsals. I am so grateful for the people who looked after Dan whilst I was rehearsing. Weirdly it was harder this year. I think that I do still miss my Mum, and ever since she died, I do cut myself off from people, bottling things up. I don't like people to see me cry, and I don't like people to constantly bring up my mum. It's not the happiest topic of conversation for me.
This kinda makes life difficult when I need someone. I find it so hard to ask for help that I normally don't, and it makes things worse. I have been making progress in the past couple of months, being able to talk to friends on the phone who live far away from me, but I still have found it hard to open up to someone I see all the time, whether it's on the phone or in person.
That weekend I opened up to two people, admitting that I was finding everything so difficult. They didn't run away, they didn't say they couldn't handle it. They just let me rant, let me get upset, and gave me the best hugs. I think that weekend has helped me realise that I need to trust people. Not just to share secrets, but to let them in when I'm finding life difficult, trusting them not to turn me away, or give up on me. Like so many things, it won't happen overnight, but this weekend was a step in the right direction :)
Hopefully they realise how much they mean to me, for them to see that. In a weird way, it's a compliment!
On that slightly strange bombshell, I will leave you all to have a great weekend, wherever you are!x

Keeping the sisterhood strong

I think it was just a matter of time before I blogged about my opinions on Samantha Brick, and her news story. If you haven't read her article, here it is -Why women hate me for being beautiful . She has also been on 'This Morning' to defend herself.
I think it is great to have self confidence. If you regularly read the blog, you see that I strive to gain more self confidence, and self esteem. I never have a go at any women who has it, and if anything, they are my role models. What I don't like is arrogance.
What came up the most in response to her interview was that people viewed her as arrogant. Where is that line between arrogance and self confidence?
This is how I answer the question personally. Self confidence is personal. Self confidence is the belief that you are the best that you can be. Arrogance is the belief you are the best. Self confidence puts everyone on an even playing field, but arrogance pits you against others, and tries to install a hierarchy.
By implying that because she is so beautiful, that other women hate her, is rather arrogant behaviour. She is saying that because her appearance is the best, that other women don't like her for it. It's their problem with me, not the other way round.
She also mentioned that fact that before she went through puberty and dyed her hair, that she was an 'ugly duckling': in her words, that she was short, fat, and brunette. By saying that, does she not see that she is putting down a whole host of women, myself included? Does she not realise that she could be doing some serious harm? It only needs one comment.
I'll give an example. I went to church yesterday, and went into the hall for a cup of tea afterwards. Now I may not of made my usual effort to look nice, but I didn't look as if I just rolled out of bed either. I got a comment, going "God, you look tired!" Well thanks for that. No, really.
Did they mean any harm in what they said? No, probably not. Did they think about what they said? No, probably not.
I think that this woman needs to understand the phrase 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. We as women, are all beautiful in our own ways. What I find attractive in a man, isn't the same for someone else. What one person finds attractive, another might not.
Another issue I had with her was the fact she was annoyed at women who were jealous of her, because of her appearance. Now if she didn't do anything to provoke those comments, I would perfectly understand, but she wants her cake and eat it. She quotes:

when you have a male boss, it’s a different game: I have written in the Mail on how I have flirted to get ahead at work, something I’m sure many women do.

So basically, she is trying to say that she can use her sexuality on men to get ahead in the workplace, but will not deal with the consequences she might have afterwards. You can't complain that your looks aren't helping your relations with female bosses, if you are using your looks to get ahead with the male bosses. The attitude of using your sexuality to get what you want implies to me you haven't earned what you have got. It also implies that you will use your body to get what you want, which isn't a good trait for being trustworthy. I suspect that women are wary of her because of her behaviour, rather than her appearance. 
She is saying that the sisterhood has let her down. All I have seen is her letting us down. She has implied that if you aren't like her, you aren't considered beautiful, and has generalised women for being catty and bitchy, for no other reason than her being beautiful. She had such an opportunity to make a positive impact, and decides to slate women.

There are so many women out there who are so inspirational, and proving that every woman is beautiful in their own way. For me, Lynx Garcia (Facebook- Supersize Spanishfly) is an inspiration to me, because she proves day by day that every woman is special, that every woman is beautiful. She has self confidence, not arrogance. She stands up for women. Now that is what I call a beautiful person. Inside and out.

Making the right decision

Sorry I haven't blogged in a little while, I have been feeling pretty ill at the moment, but am feeling a lot better now, just the asthma to get rid of!
What I want to talk about is moral decisions that we make. I obviously base mine on christianity, but everyone has their set of morals, whether they have a faith or not.
Without going into too much detail, I have a personal dilema that involves my conscience, and my personal views (nothing illegal/rude and naughty). I have noticed that with me, I need to talk to people. It is my way of thinking a problem through, to rationalise it, and to think of a solution. I also want other people's opinion, and want 'their permission' in a sense. If they don't think what I am doing is wrong, and I trust their moral judgement, then in a sense, I don't care what others think- only those whose opinions matter to me. I asked three people tonight- a priest, my dad, and a good friend. Those are my three: my faith, family, and friends. They mean the world to me, and the people I talked to I care for and respect.
In the end, it is my decision. I cannot have someone make a decision for me (though I did try at one point :p), and this is the way we as humans learn, by the choices and mistakes we make.
At one point, I did think that asking people for their opinion was childish, that it shows I can't decide for myself, can't think for myself. Not gonna lie, that made me feel pretty crap. Hopefully it is actually a sign that I am thinking things through, that I put thought into my decisions, and that I am mature.
As I get the feeling most people don't think I'm mature, it'll be nice to prove them wrong.
Anyway, whatever I decide, I'll blame myself if I'm wrong, and thank the three if I'm right :) Thank goodness I have those people around, and that they are there for me. I'm very lucky to have them :) x

Surviving Lent Group :)

This is how I see Mary, strong, yet
somehow gentle

I had the lent group that I lead on Mary yesterday. I think it went quite well, and I just hope that the tweenies enjoyed it. I did my quiz on 10 things that you might not know about Mary, and I wanted to tackle different perceptions on Mary. Mary was such an important woman, and most pictures show her as a gentle, obedient mother. I think it would be unfair to Mary to class her as just a mother, because no woman is defined by the amount of children they have.
She was strong, loyal, and had unmovable faith. She didn't know for certain that Joseph would take her as his wife after Gabriel's message. She was put in serious danger of being stoned to death, but she put her immeasurable faith in God, and it worked out. Mary's inner strength could still give any woman today a run for their money, and still win hands down. Strength isn't necessarily physical, it's what you can go through, what you are willing to give up, that shows the strength of a person.
On a different note, I'm feeling pretty rundown at the moment, and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it. I can't go to the gym, which is saying something. If you said to me 8 months ago that I would miss going to the gym, I would call you crazy. I think it's the endorphins- I feel so much happier with the gym in my life. Even though my hormonal problem doesn't help, I can see the difference too. My body is changing, and hopefully the way I think about myself, and the way people see me now. I hopefully am getting stronger, and more myself again. Last, but by no means least, I am not to be judged on my body. There will always be someone who tries. I will be there when karma comes back to bite them in the arse.
Anyhoo, I need to go to sleep now if I have any chance of getting in the gym tomorrow/today. Night. x

Summer days and saying goodbye

As you know from the last blog post, I gave myself the task to lead lent group about Mary. I have been doing my research about her, and have really enjoyed getting to know her better, and to be able to work out how to organise the evening, with some help from one of the ladies.
I think that this will help some people at church to see me as an adult, and I have proved to myself that I can still be academic, to present things, and that I can finish my degree.
This weekend I also made blue fairy cakes with some of the kids from church and dan, to take to lent group. Any excuse to eat cake! I always thought that young children didn't like me much, but they all were lovely. I get now that kids at that age are fickle to a certain extent. When you focus your attention on them, and do something they want to do, they are angels. When you aren't, they just don't focus all their attention on you. I don't think it's a matter of them not liking me.
Sunday, Dad planned a 6 mile walk, and luckily the weather co-operated and was gorgeous. I always loved walking ever since I was a kid, and it was good to stretch my legs. After we stopped for lunch, we were going up a steep hill. I powered up the hill, and I think that all this exercise is proving that I'm getting fitter as well.

This was her getting through the window,
because she left her keys in the house... :P 

Last, but by no means least, one of my close friends from church is leaving and going to Mumbai! I found out yesterday, and she's leaving Tuesday! I am seriously going to miss her loads. We always have so much to talk about, whether it's Harry Potter, blokes, films, or serious things,  it was always so much fun.
I am planning to go visit her at some point in the summer, before September, now I just have to find the money!
I wish her the very best of luck, and I will be thinking of her x

What have I got myself in for..?!

So yesterday, I went to the third instalment of the lent group, 'Something borrowed'. I love learning, and I loved learning about the festival of Divali, as going to a Catholic school, I never really got taught about other religions.

I think it is good to learn about other religions, and it reminds me of what my mum believed, which was that all religions have the same god. I don't really know what I believe in that respect, but I think that in the end, it's not my job to judge others. 

The next lent group is 'Something blue', and the person leading originally couldn't do it, so I thought that I would do it. I have now realised how difficult it is going to be to do lent group on Mary!

The minute I got home, I started the research, and I remembered how much I enjoy researching, and presenting things. Coming up with ideas to get the message across without boring them, or making them feel as if I am lecturing them. It is going to be tough, because there is not much mention of Mary in the bible (except for Jesus' birth, obviously). Luckily, one of the ladies is going to give me some of her course information about Mary, and I might pick out some ideas from there. I am also lucky that I have 3 priests at my church, who can hopefully look over all the information I have gathered, and give me some good feedback.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, toodles! x

Before I conk out...

I have a serious exercise today! A very short jog this morning (6:45 no less!), gym at 10, then after looking after my brother (he had an inset day today. Yea I dunno why it was in the middle of the week either.) I went back to the gym for a zumba class at 7. My muscles are a bit confused by the experience, but it was a good day. I got to have a lush bath, and relax for goodness knows how long. I think that is a great treat, and if it wasn't for my catarrh coming back YET AGAIN, I would know I smell pretty damn good.
I am in a very relaxed state/tired early for once, and apart from a lady at zumba who tried to patronise me-in a tone you would speak to a child- going "Oh don't worry, you'll get the hang of it soon" when frankly zumba is one of the only things sport-wise I'm actually good at, and she was getting most of the moves wrong, I'm all good. That is such a small speck on my day though.
One thing I have realised though, is that North of London syndrome (refer to earlier blog if you haven't come across the term- North of London syndrome) runs in the family. I was looking up a north of London map to help my poor geography skills, again, read the last blog for details, and I was looking at Liverpool and Manchester, and my brother comes out with "Manchester is in Scotland, right?"
Even I know that Manchester is not in Scotland. Oh dear.

I think my facebook map will shed some light. I have travelled to/had more photos taken in other countries than I have in the north of England. I haven't ever been to the neighbouring countries of the British Isles either. Oh dear.
 Hopefully travelling up to Old Trafford, and the Millennium stadium for the Olympics will help. A little. At least I am trying, right?
Anyhoo, back to the point. I am looking forward to doing my usual pilates and gym tomorrow, I just gotta hope this catarrh will bugger off before choir.
Fingers crossed! x

Feeling a bit sentimental!

For a little while, I have known that a certain lecturer from Canterbury Christ Church is retiring. He doesn't know that so many of the alumni are coming back to show support. However much I fought with him in third year, (and I can see now, he was right, most of the time) he was my reason for going to Canterbury, and also motivated me to not give up on music, when I was on the point of giving up on my music A levels. I remember freshers week, when most people went out for a coffee, I wanted to practice, so hid behind the screens. He poked his head round to listen, and asked me why I was hiding. I can't remember what else he said, but I do remember that it was then when I felt accepted, motivated, and so much more confident. Being in the Cantata choir broadened my choral horizons, showed me that I am good at sight singing, widened my taste in choral music (mainly in Eric Whitacre), and has given us so many opportunities like singing in Westminster Abbey.

I wish that I could go on Friday to wish him a happy retirement, but I can't afford to. I think in a way it may be God's way of saying that I'm not ready to go back yet. I have been starting to make my peace with some of the city, and some of its inhabitants. I have decided to let them win. It isn't a defeatist way of thinking, it is more that I can't be doing with it. I believe in karma, and it'll come soon enough, I'm sure. I think I have to get to the stage where I don't care if everyone hates me, that I am who I am, and if you don't like it you know where to shove it. Then I can visit the whole music department.

Maybe I should give them this face next time I see them. I'll let you know how that pans out. x
P.S check out her videos btw- fricking hilarious!

Mother's day *groan*

It is officially Mother's day today. Not the most enjoyable days of the year for me, for obvious reasons. Weirdly enough, this year I found it harder; maybe because this will be the first year that I will be home for it. I have found that I haven't asked for help though, because I don't want to ruin other people's Mother's day by hanging out with me, when they have a Mother with them. Hopefully I won't have people come up and talk about my mum tomorrow, because I just don't like it. I have got to the end of my tether about the whole thing. I cannot try and please everyone else, whilst people don't think that they could be hurting my feelings, and/or angering me.
I have also been watching Whitney Houston's last interview: the one with Oprah in 2009, and one thing that really spoke out to me was her unwavering faith in God. There was one point in the interview, when she was talking about leaving Bobby Brown. She asked for the strength to leave him. It made me think of men. Firstly, it made me think of the man I like. Maybe instead of asking God what I shall do, even though I know the answer is to tell him how I feel (and not feeling like I have the courage or the strength to), I should really be asking God to give me strength to tell him. It also made me think of my last relationship I had. I can see now, (and I could see then too, if I'm being honest) that it wasn't a good relationship. It wasn't a relationship of equals. He didn't see me as his equal, and the balance of give and take was more me giving, him taking. I knew this fact, but I stayed with him, because I was just so happy to be in a relationship, and happy to not be alone. I know now that if something is not right, they need to go. I can't stay in a bad relationship, because it would stop me from finding a good relationship, with someone I deserve. It is just finding someone that you fit like a missing puzzle piece. You could meet the nicest man in the world, but if they don't fit, they don't fit.
I like to use this song to help me think about how I want my next relationship to be. Not that the man thinks I'm perfect, but that he can accept my faults, handle my baggage, and still think the world of me (and visa versa obviously). I also want my next relationship to be a bit like this, because I think I deserve to be loved, to have a man make the same effort for me as I would for him. I deserve it.
Whether that is another brick down from the wall, who knows? I just like the song :P x

Getting the balance right

I have not long got back home from the Pops concert (as well as wind band and big band). Harder than the sci-fi music, but still fun to play some popular music scores once in a while between all the classical music.

I am really feeling it after three nights in a row of playing/singing, and will definitely be looking forward to an early night on Saturday, but I have to get used to it for my profession, as I either want to be in an orchestra, or in the pits when I leave university. Musicians generally have evening work, so it's a good routine to get into for the future. 

The transcripts have also got to the uni today, so that is another step in the right direction for university (hopefully) in September. I think that if I work well, then I hopefully will be able to get near the front desks for the orchestras next year (there are going to be five!!). I think also in September, I can feel more a part of the orchestra's as well. It is nothing against the students, they are lovely, and very welcoming, but because I feel like I'm intruding on them all, I find I become quite shy. To say this isn't in my character is an understatement! I think because I'm not a student at the uni at the moment, I feel like I don't deserve the opportunity of being in their orchestra's. I think also that because of my bad experience with a few bitchy, nasty people at Canterbury, it has made me withdraw slightly from people at Chi. Hopefully they don't perceive me as an arrogant arse! I think also I feel that because people already have their friendship groups, I don't want to get in the way of that, and I don't want to seem like the one desperate for friends. It does make me come across as standoffish, but it's just getting that balance right. Yes, I can have a good giggle, and I do love a good chinwag, but in the same token, I am there to rehearse/work, and not there 'for the experience'. I did that three years ago, and it got me nowhere. I know now that I gotta get my head down and work hard, and I can let off some steam, occasionally though, rather than every Friday night :P

Left to Right:
Me, Jaymie, Megan and Phil

Bring on symphony, and a lie in please! x

P.S I know it's technically the next day, but Happy Birthday to my Brummy lovely Jaymie!

Songs of Praise + Ramin Karimloo!!

I have had such an amazing evening. I went to the BBC Songs of Praise recording tonight. Obviously Aled Jones was there, and he was such a nice, friendly, and funny man.

Colm Wilkinson and Ramin Karimloo

For me, the best surprise was that Ramin Karimloo was there, and because we got there really early, I was sitting right at the front, less than 10ft away from him! His voice sounded so perfect, I was awestruck for most of his singing (I also will swear till the day I die, he looked at me at the end of his song, Constant Angel).
He also sung 'Bring him Home' which was such a treat. I think I was melting in my seat.
I think what I have realised is that people in the limelight are normal people. I realised that I was saying that all those famous people 'were actually quite nice!' is doing them a bit of a dis-service. Just like everyday people, there are some knobs, but most are lovely people with kind hearts. We should not have this perception that famous people are arrogant and nasty. We should just take them for as they are in person. Unfortunately I couldn't get any pictures with any of them, which is sad, but I understand that they weren't going to hang around, just so people could get a photo with them. I wouldn't.
I'm going to be glad when it is Friday, as I have had recordings yesterday and today, and a concert I'm in tomorrow evening. I'll be glad for a quiet Friday in!
But until then, here's to being busy! x

Frustrations vs Aled Jones...

I just seem to be surrounded by things that frustrate me at the moment. I saw that someone needed an alto for a choir tour to Israel. I knew I was the first person to apply, and asked for my experience. I got a reply nearly 12 hours later saying sorry but they chose someone else, sorry to of lead you on. I would of been perfect for the tour, and just can't seem to get any breaks.

I also got my results for my blood test. I have irregular hormone levels. The doctor tried to pin it of PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and told me just to lose weight (she called me 'plumpalitious', which I also didn't appreciate very much), and she was going put me on diabetes drugs to help (having the hormonal imbalance of estrogen means losing weight is that much harder. Great). I had to tell her for the third time in a week that I have already lost over a stone, that I am eating healthily and exercising. I then had to explain for the fifth time that my symptoms do not match PCOS. She went through the symptoms-that I have none of- and eventually conceded that it didn't sound like PCOS, and referred me to gyno.

I hate the fact that because I am overweight, that she automatically pinned my problems on it, and ignored my symptoms, focussing on my weight. I also hate that she constantly makes little jabs at me about my weight. After her sterling performance, it may of given me the push to change surgeries. Why should I be treated like a leaper over my weight, especially as I am doing something about it?? I can tell that she has obviously got fed up of the situation, hence the referral, just to get rid of me and my problems, and maybe to prove me wrong. I know she knows her stuff, but I know my body. 

I went to sign in today, and unfortunately the buses were running late, so got there late to my appointment. The lady who I saw rudely said that in future, I don't want you to come in late to sign in. When I explained my situation with the bus, she calmed down, but it was all to do about the fact she wanted to go out for lunch. If anything, I am normally 10 minutes early to my sign ins, and they normally make me late. It is just so ironic that the one time I was late they bring it up. I was made to feel that because I have to sign on, that I am stupid, and someone who doesn't care. Of course I want work! I wouldn't go to so much effort to get a job if I didn't want one. I wouldn't of got a job and be waiting for my training if I didn't want a job! I will just focus on the really nice man I saw before the annoying woman. 

Must not mention 'walking in the air' .

It did look up today though. I had the first Songs of Praise recording. Yes it was a bit repetitive at times, but overall it was done professionally, and with good humour. Aled Jones will be there tomorrow for the second recording. I am determined to get a photo with him. That'll certainly cheer me up a bit!!x

My poor aching body!!!

I have definitely given my body a good workout these past days! Yesterday, I started pilates, and worked out straight after. This morning, I had a weigh in- I have officially lost a stone! :D I then worked out for half an hour, and then did a Zumba class straight after. Worn out is an understatement. I really enjoyed adding in the classes though. Pilates won't be to do with losing weight, this will be to do with my posture, my core muscles, and my strength. Zumba will be burning those calories, help get some stamina for the Race for Life, and having a good dance in the process! Hopefully adding in these classes should help to lose the weight a bit quicker.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am losing weight, but I feel that I can push myself to lose the weight quicker. By my next weigh in, hopefully more weight will of come off. I put my latest chart on the fridge, to remind me of all the good progress I have made :)

I'm thinking of buying these shorts (as a well done present to myself) that have gone on sale from ASOS, but due to lent will have to wait if I want to buy them. Damn you tempting sale! I do love ASOS though. Yes, I would prefer they didn't have a separate section for plus size women, but the clothes that they sell are not all potato sacks, and are working with the latest trends. It is so hard to be plus size and fashionable, but ASOS is a godsend. Fingers crossed they will still be there when I can buy them (or if someone else wants to get them for me, I won't complain or anything ;) ).

Tomorrow I will be going to France for the day. The crib cruise (that should more aptly be named 'the booze cruise with a bit of cards') is something I've done ever since I was little, and have only missed two in the whole time it has been running. It isn't to go over to France and sightsee- there just isn't enough time to do that- but I have so many stories and funny memories of previous years. I am mainly just looking forward to getting out of the country for a bit, and to use my passport. Hopefully my French will suffice for when we are over there. One year before I got a comment from one of the men (who was very drunk) about how I've gained weight. I took it very personally. Hopefully this year no comment will be made about my weight, but if so, I will tell them how I've been doing, and tell them they should try the workout I did over the past two days! I won't wilt, hopefully I will stand tall and defend myself with dignity.

So as they say over there, au revior! x

One step at a time

I have found out that I have unofficially got a job now! I am so thankful, because I was finding it so draining being on Jobseekers. It is ironically so much easier to get another job when you already have one, so fingers crossed I can get a bar job to give me more hours. I also had my first blood test yesterday, which is not what I considered very fun to say the least. It had to be done by one of the doctors as I have really awkward veins, and had to have it done twice because something went wrong the first time. In the end they had to take it out of my hand, which I didn't really mind, or care frankly. I was just grateful that the doctor and nurse were both really nice, and both really empathetic. They were having banter, which ironically calmed me down a lot :)Anyhoo.... on to better subjects!
The pageant is definitely having a good effect on me, and on my confidence generally. I went to the gym yesterday morning, and thought I'd bring my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash with me to show my friend, when the girls dared me to wear the sash whilst working out. I felt a bit of an idiot at first, but then people started commenting saying well done, and generally being supportive. I got used to people staring at me. I normally find it hard to deal with people staring at me, because it makes me feel self-concious. I am starting to realise that getting attention can be good, as long as it's the right attention, aka no guys grabbing at me (you can look, but can't touch!). The fact I did that simple little thing gave me a well needed boost. I also can't seem to stop strutting around the place as if it's a catwalk! I'm sure that I won't go into arrogant territory, I gotta stop thinking that confidence is arrogance or cockiness. It's a good trait!
So here's a good song to reflect my mood (and my walking! :P)

I gotta have faith ;D

I feel so sorry for one of my guy mates right now! I've been moaning about everything under the sun today. He's just got the brunt of it. He has made me realise something so very important. I've been putting barriers between the guy like and myself. Also, he said that I'm only 21, that it's not the end of the world. I can't believe that I didn't see it myself.
I won't see all the good things if I keep worrying about the bad. I won't be able to tell if a guy likes me if I don't even attempt to like myself. If I keep seeing all the bad bits then that's all there will ever be. In a sense, you have to make your own luck. You have to have faith in yourself to get the good things. I feel another couple of bricks coming down from the wall. It also makes me realise how much I value my friend, mainly for putting up with my moaning :p

The last thing it made me realise? I wouldn't be the best I can be wthout the awesome friends I have supporting me x
P.S if you do like me, I am a bit oblivious (another thing I realised :p)

Team Sue and Jules!!

Today has been such a positive day. I have been thinking about doing the Race for Life this year, and after a conversation with a friend, I will definitely be doing it. Apparently, this year, Cancer Research has come up with an idea to go in groups. This way we can fundraise together for a group target. Dad said that he would help me train on Saturday mornings, and keeping up with the curves workouts.
The only niggling part is that my money comes through tomorrow. I have wanted to do this for a while now, especially after mum died, that I just want to attack this with all that it deserves. As it says on the website, each step we run is helping raise money to beat this dreadful disease. For me, I want to raise money, so that never again, will a child or a teenager lose their mum (or dad) to Cancer.

If you want to run with me, the group ID is RP7304 (we are called the dynamos!). The more the merrier, and the more likely we'll hit the £500 target I think we can raise. If you don't want to run, and you want to donate, then please donate on http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/the-dynamos
For me, when I do this, it will be a personal achievement. Not only will I of jogged the whole way, helping my fitness, but I would like to think that my mum would be proud of me. Doing this for both my mum and Jules will be an honour. They were both formidable women in their own right, and I feel they will be cheering us on, and motivating us (proverbially) from the finishing line.
So here's to Mum and Jules! x

Christians helping themselves, right??

I've been watching Loose Women lately, and Sanjeev Bhaskar was on promoting his daytime telly series, 'The Indian Doctor'. I thought why not? It's not as if I have anything interesting in my life at the moment! I actually really enjoyed watching it, and one thing really struck a chord with me. I know that this is fictional, but the premise of the story really interested me morally.
I have no qualms about me saying I am a Christian. I won't ram scripture down your throat, and I won't try to convert you (two disclaimers I always have to say just in case.) In the latest episode, a young boy has got smallpox (set in the 60s, it wasn't as rare as it is now) and is very distressed, having to be in isolation (as well as the whole village). The village folk that will/have come into contact with the child has to be vaccinated first. The health people only send 7 vaccinations at first, and the doctor has to decide who gets the first seven.
The interesting part in the story is when the parish priest declines the vaccine, saying that prayer will keep him safe. As a Christian, I find this a bit peculiar, and reminds me of a story once told to me:


"A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”

The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”

As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”

The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”

The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.

A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”

Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.

When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”

And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

I know this is a very long story, but the point was that this priest is waiting for something from God, a miracle, but he misses the opportunity to help himself. I do not understand his logic. He then proceeds to join the boy in isolation (without being vaccinated) to give the boy some comfort.

I found this partly a brave thing to do, but partly so frustrating. It is as if he is trying to test God and his theory, alike to the Roman soldiers/pharisees at Jesus's death. God gave him his body, and I don't believe it is his right to deliberately put it in danger. On the other hand, he is risking his life to comfort a very distressed boy, with no thought of the consequence on him.

The storyline definitely re-inforces my belief that God offers opportunities via other people. He could of still comforted the boy, after he got vaccinated. I just don't understand why he put himself in danger when there is an obvious solution to the problem.

This may be a bit too much faith for some, but I had to let it off my chest. I'm sure the next post will be a bit less religious ;) x

The day of reckoning (aka pageant times!)

Yesterday was the day of the pageant (I would of wrote it last night, but frankly too tired).

5:30 am- got up to prepare

8:10 am- left house for the train

8:30- am got on train

10:00- got to Croydon

10:30- after a mad rush (and asking the staff from gregg's for directions,) got to the venue

11:30- started rehearsals

13:00- break

14:00- more rehearsals
15:30- interview section 

16:00- break

17:20- start to get ready

18:30- ready to go

19:30- start

21:30- finish

22:20- leave the event

22:40- got on first train

23:20- got on second train
00:20- got to my station
00:40- got home

That may not seem so busy for some people, but honestly, it was such a tiring day! 

The beginning of the day went smoothly, I had a serious moment of when I wasn't going to do it. Thankfully I snapped out of it 15 minutes later. I am so glad I did, it was such a fun day, meeting such amazing girls!

After arriving, and checking in, we were in rehearsals. The rehearsals were mainly going through the running order, and how everything would work. That for me was the most fun. I love stomping it out, and hopefully channelled enough of Tyra. The organisers/judges seemed to like it, which is all that mattered. I had some serious nerves for most of the afternoon break, but when I was out there and stomping it out, I could focus on having fun. One of the things I was most proud of was the swimwear/summer fun round. I was dreading walking out there in my swimsuit, but I did it, and feigned enough confidence that no-one noticed!

I didn't get into the top 5, but frankly, I didn't go there to win. Yes, it would of been nice, but not essential. I did win the award for being best in interview though!

Miss Weston-Super-Mare and I were walking to get to the train station, when we bumped into one of the judges (who also knew where she was going!!!), and got talking about the pageant. She said to both of us that we were in her top 5. She said that it wasn't because we were walking with her, (who knows) but apparently I was her number 4. I think that's a good achievement too.

I am very glad that I met such nice girls there too. I will admit it, I was very nervous about what the other girls would be like, but meeting them all, they were all so lovely, and most of them hadn't done pageants before either. I was the only one (that I know) who went there to build my self confidence. The rest of the girls already had it. That in a way helped boost my confidence, because it showed these women all had curves, they looked beautiful, and they were proud. When I was talking to some of them, and explaining my reasons for applying, (being a tom-boy, it would give me the chance to be girly, and to try and tackle some of my self-worth issues) they said they had serious respect for me. I hope they realise that to me, they are my role models. They helped take down another brick or two from the wall. They are what I strive to be. I may do a pageant next year, I may not. What I do know though, is that I don't need to be a stick to be beautiful. Sex appeal isn't about size, it's what you do with it.  I can lose more weight, be healthy, and keep my curves. Most importantly,

Self worth doesn't come from being thin, it comes from being you. :) x

 (the soundtrack for yesterday!)

Getting last minute nerves, good news and good fashion!

It is crazy how the pageant has crept up on me, it's tomorrow!! I'm mostly very nervous now, because I have to do girly things like hair and make up. I am appalling at doing hair and make up. A part of me is wondering why the hell I even thought about entering the competition in the first place. The other half of me knows it's nerves talking. The reason I entered this in the first place was because I wanted to take myself out of my comfort zone, to try and help me get my fire and self confidence back. Obviously I want to win, but for me, it is the experience I am most looking forward to. I think that seeing other girls/women who are size 14+ might give me a realistic attitude  towards myself. I don't need to be skinny to feel attractive. It doesn't matter how many dress sizes I lose, it's how beautiful I feel on the inside.
My friends aren't able to make it unfortunately, but it'll also be a good way to show that I can rely on myself, and do things on my own.
On another happy note, my friend has got an interview for her doctorate! I'm so proud of her, she really deserves this opportunity, and I hope she gets it.

My favourite swimsuit I found on the site

On a more fashionista topic, being plus size I find it hard to find clothes, especially clothes that don't look like a potato sack. Yes, I have been losing weight, but I'm still not there yet!
I love all the vintage clothes, and I love the vintage look. It celebrates the curves on a woman's body, which is just non-existent in modern fashion. I have found an amazing american site- http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/ that sells beautful vintage clothes, that has a really decent plus size range, including swimsuits!
It is so difficult to buy a swimsuit that will fit you as a plus size girl (as I think fellow plusies will relate). Shops either think you have no boobs-very much not the case- or that we don't venture into the water.
The swimsuit range here is from extra small to 2x. That is rare. It really looks as if it gives decent support, which again is very rare to find. The specific plus size range of their clothes are also beautiful, showing that they understand a fuller figured woman. When lent finishes, you can guess what my wardrobe might be full of!
It is so nice to see a shop that really does cater for all, hooray! Now all we need is this in the UK. Fingers crossed the website will get a UK branch soon! x

Lenten Promises

It's the beginning of lent, and you might be giving up something for it. Dad gives up alcohol every year. Jaymie is giving up chocolate and alcohol. Jen just the booze. Me? I thought I would give up something different this year.

A couple of years ago, I gave up chocolate, and it grew into junk food general. I know that if I want to, I can give up any of those things for lent. I just wanted to do something I've never done before. I'm giving up wasting my money irresponsibly. It may sound like such a little thing to you, but to me? It's going to be difficult. I am bad with money. I am definitely a lot better than what I was before, but it is still an issue with me. I don't keep proper tabs on my money at all. It will be good to see how much money I could save during lent, mainly just to prove to myself that I can do it. I think it will also make me question what I think is important. Is going out with my friends irresponsible money-wise? Is going out for a drink wasting money? I don't think I will be a recluse for the whole of lent by a long shot, but it will make me realise; I can save money and see my friends.

A good example was when I went to go see the lush girls today. I gave myself a limit to what I could spend. I still had a great time with them, but just didn't spend much (especially with the 20% discount at Sakura, my new favourite restaurant. NOM.). 

Going out with them doesn't need a price tag, because it was so good to see them in the first place, and that is what friendship is all about. 

I really value the friendship I have with them all. They are all so unique, so different. We all have different passions, but all so friendly, kind and caring. From a musicians point of view, I find it really nice and refreshing to not always talk about music. I love all my musician friends dearly, but coming from university, where all my friends were musicians, it's nice to have that change.

Anyway..the long and short of it, please don't get offended if I suggest cheap nights in/sound like a cheapskate. It's just my Lenten promise. x