Feminism- pedantic or a just cause??

I have just been reading the article- I blame the media for ignoring feminism, and it got me thinking. Some things that Tanya Gold said I agree with. Politics especially is such a difficult job for a female. Women get automatically judged badly because of their sex. They get the childish misogynist remarks. They are automatically hated for no apparent reason at all, and no-one wants a female prime minister, because it'll be another Maggie Thatcher.
The other issue I also agree with is pay. If we are doing the same job, then we should be paid the same amount.
What I disagree with is that media is the sole problem. There have been so many films that encourage and show the full force of the feminist movement. One of my favourite films recently has to be Made in Dagenham. A film about the Ford strikes, showed a very well rounded, honest view of the strikes, and how it impacted politics, and their family lives. I am not saying that the media is an angel. Far from it, but laying all the blame on the media is not entirely fair.
I think that another factor as to why feminism is forgotten, is because people have heard it all before. People are fed up with some feminists rabbiting on about their views, and making other women feel like dirt in the process.
I think we still have a long way to go. We went from one extreme to another. Women were supposed to be beautiful, the husband's slave. Then we went to this powerful tantrum, where some women would do the exact opposite to a typical women's job, because they wanted to prove that they were a feminist. Wearing male clothes to feel like they had more clout.
We need a middle ground. We need to have equality, and not assume that if we are in the house then we become man servants. But we also need to understand that looking good is allowed. It shows that we want the best from ourselves.
Maybe another idea is before we as women harp on about equality with males, that we find equality, and love from other women. I'm not talking about being a lesbian. I am talking about no bitching, no mean remarks. Treating each other as equals. If we fought less amongst each other, then maybe it would help focus us on the important things. I don't think we realise that we fuel the misogynist fire with all the in-fighting.
I don't know about you, but a better world would be where we have the equal pay, the house of commons to feel less like a playground spat, and the women of the world to be in peace.
I'm going to do my bit for us women. I am not going protesting for equal pay. I won't be shouting off about how attractive women are used in adverts etc. I am going to treat other women with respect, because that is how I want to be treated, man or woman.

Getting on with life

I find it so hard to be at home at the moment. It's difficult to live at home, I am doing nothing this year, and I really miss my Canterbury friends.
Spending three years in Canterbury meant that most of my friends are there. I kept in touch with some of the pompey folk, but some I'm quite happy to lose. They treated me like shit. Others didn't make the same effort with me as I did them. The remaining are few and far between, and have their own lives, which don't include me any more.
I feel very alone. I rely on having good friends that I can hang out with a lot. Whether this is a stage in growing up, I don't know. All I do know is that I don't like it one bit.
The friends I keep in touch with in Canterbury are wonderful. Skype, texts, catch ups on the phone, and the odd drunken phone call (yes, that means you Benoit) are good, but it's not the same as the real thing.
For me, Canterbury is a place full of mixed emotions. I would love to go back, (and intend to soon, fingers crossed!!) but I have so many memories that I don't want, so many hard emotions there. Going there will be good to face those demons. Maybe that way I can get on with life a lot easier.

Until I am there to enjoy some good times with you, I wish you all the best. I miss you dearly, and want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you all. x

Body Matters 2

I had a real shock when I was walking round cascades portsmouth. I saw a photo booth that had virtual plastic surgery!!! Maybe I'm making too much of a deal, but I was genuinely shocked to see that, especially with the image of a teenager's face.
We wonder why young people, (and older people alike!) have issues with their bodies, why we as humans cannot accept ourselves for how we are. I think people are so used to seeing these types of things it becomes commonplace. How is virtual plastic surgery going to make you feel better about yourself? If anything, it is going to make you feel worse. This is the same with airbrushing. How is getting rid of your natural shape going to make you feel better? I understand if for example, you are on your period and have oily skin/spots. This is a temporary problem.
I had a photoshoot in March, and I enjoyed myself, and felt for the first time in ages that I was really confident in myself. One of my very good friends from Canterbury is a whiz with graphics, and with photo artwork. She did some wonderful artwork to these photos. Some photos though, it made me feel really bad about myself.

This is the original photo from the photoshoot. I know I have some imperfections, but I was able to look past this and realise what a beautiful photo this was. It also made me realise that I should show off my legs a lot more!!! ;)

This photo was the one my friend did for me. A beautiful background, and I adore the artistic touches of the moon and music. What I don't understand though is why my hair had to be lighter, (I don't mind the blonde taken out, as it isn't natural) why I needed to not be so pale, why my face looks different, why all the fat has gone from my stomach, and why the dress has been made longer to hide my legs. This isn't me. I cannot connect with this photo. If anything it made me feel really low about myself. It showed that I wasn't good enough. It showed I wasn't acceptable. I know I sound very harsh towards my friend who did this. I didn't bring it up at the time, as I didn't want her to feel like I was throwing it back in her face. She did this for fun, and for my benefit. It is a wonderful photo, just not me.

This is the same photo as the top one, with just some artistic lighting. This I love. It is simple, yet keeps the old feel of the original photo.

This is another of her photos.

This photo she has not changed anything from the original print, but has made one of the most beautiful backgrounds I have ever seen. All she did was put some make up on my face. I feel beautiful when I see this photo. All these wonderful things around me, and I still can be a focal point of a photo.
My point though, is that we do not need airbrushing, or plastic surgery to make us beautiful. We are god's creation. This is how we are supposed to be. If we were perfect, we would be an angel up high.

Never giving up job hopes

I have been going through mixed emotions about jobs at the moment. I have a wonderful job at lush, (with my first shift tomorrow!!) but it is only a temporary Christmas job. The worrying reality is that I need a permanent job. BBC 3 - Up for Hire is a really good programme, looking at youth unemployment, and helping with skills needed to attain these important jobs. It has given me hope, inspiration and determination to hold my head up high, and look for those jobs. It has also helped inspire me to focus on my classical music career. A Career in Music has a really good article, helping people who want to get involved in the music business. It gives me great ideas to get work experience whilst I am at university, making great use of reading weeks that I would have during my future stay at Chichester University.
I am now going to use my time wiser when I am at home. Watch the programmes that I love, (loose women..) but look for jobs, and not just give up. Send out letters to top local orchestra's to ask if I could sit in rehearsals. Get involved with as many orchestra's as possible. Work hard to get to a good standard. Look for jobs that will keep me going, and eventually fill out my UCAS application.
Lots to do! x

Fun Filled Training :D

This evening, I had my first week of training at Lush. With normal jobs, it is the most boring part of getting the job, but lets face it- Lush isn't any other job!
We got to play with the Christmas stock and get shown how to demo products. This has to be one of the most fun jobs I have ever had, and I haven't even properly started yet! The rota is only one week in advance, so I won't have major problems with concerts etc, and as they have so many staff that can only work weekends, it means that I don't have to work Sundays. I can wear my crucifix, and as long as it's black, we have the freedom of wearing what we like, and adding colours to our outfits.
We are celebrated for being different, and having passions in our lives, which is such a nice change from my past jobs.
Another added bonus of working in Lush is that all the people are friendly and nice, as it is their job to be. Lush won't hire a grumpy type, making your job easier. Making friends is so much easier there, as frankly everyone is as bonkers as me, and all have their passions! There are so many people in the arts there as well, I feel that I can  identify with so many people :D
I cannot wait to have training next week, so I can go through all the main products, but also to see all the other 'newbies' again! We already have a Blackberry group going atm! Sad or what eh :P
We are getting our staff boxes soon, full of products that are new and/or upcoming, which is rather exciting, and get our 50% (yes, 50%) staff discount on the 25th of October, and also an evening where the newbies, plus some friends and family can have the shop to ourselves, and all get the 50% staff discount.

Let me know if you fancy coming along ;) x

<--- The store I will be working at- slightly different layout now :)

The best therapy

I have been battling my mind since my mum died. I do not allow myself to cry unless I am completely alone. When I do, it is like I can hear all of my hurt come to the surface. It is like a cry, a wail, like I am calling for someone to help me, but then I don't like people seeing me like this. It is a rough vicious cycle. I used to be able to open up a lot easier. I still found it difficult to cry in front of people, but if they were trusted, then I could deal with it.
I feel that everyone that I know has seen my cry, be weak at least once now. Because everyone has seen me cry, I don't want to shoulder any of my burden on to anyone else. I want to be strong so badly, that maybe it is weakening me. Even as I write this, I still do not believe it myself.
I really miss my violin right now. People sometimes name their instruments, I personally don't. Maybe even weirder, I consider my violin to be alive in some way.
She has been in and out of her 'spa' for two weeks, and now she is better, I want her back again. I only just realised that she helps me through my darkest hours (when I ever practised). She doesn't mind if I cry. She's always there when I'm angry. I can shoulder so much of my burden on her, and in return, she makes me play beautifully, using all the emotions I have to make wonderful music, my therapy.
I neglected her, but I'll make it up. She is like a sister figure and a mother figure rolled into one. She does sound like my mum. Maybe in some weird way, some of mum's soul is in my violin. I probably sound crazy, but all the things that my violin does to help me, is what mum did herself.
My violin cannot completely heal me. I still need to talk to someone who knows how to deal with me. I still need to accept myself, and feel that I am worth something, but it's a good start.

Plus size problems!

For the orchestral concert on the 28th of October, we were told to wear long black dresses, without showing any knee. At first, being a girl, I was quite excited at the prospect of potentially getting another dress to add to the collection.
Today though, I have had the age old problem of sizeism in shops. It is so difficult to find a maxi dress at this time of the year, let alone all black and plus size!
It seems that people don't understand that being fat is equally as much of a psychological problem as being anorexic or bulimic. Shops still stock size 4-6, but not plus size. (Not saying that all people who are sizes 4-6 have a problem) You should be treated exactly the same as someone with anorexia or bulimia. It is first and foremost a psychological problem that is using food as a trigger. It is not a sign of being a lazy slob, and the NHS patronising people with: "food has these things called calories in them" does not help the situation.
How is making shopping difficult, making it a demoralizing experience helping them? How is that giving them more self worth?
I have lost nearly half a stone so far, but I wonder what the point is. I am still landed with the fact I can't wear the pretty clothes other girls wear. Something needs to change, and I hope and pray it will come soon. x

(Btw please let me know what you think of this dress, would appreciate the comments)

First rehearsal...

Today I had my first rehearsal with the Chichester University Symphony Orchestra. I was so incredibly nervous yesterday. I found out that Crispin, our conductor, has worked with Menuhin and Bernstein, and had a stress attack/ panic attack/ hyperactive moment for about half an hour afterwards :p
This morning though, I felt so calm and at ease thank goodness. I took my place at the back of the first violin's, (I didn't want to seem up myself) got introduced to the leader, who then made me sit at the front desk with him! Definitely an interesting start to the orchestra, but very fun as well. It made me focus, be determined, and play to a higher standard. When Phil (the leader) started asking me questions, and said I was good, it was such an honour to be complimented by such an amazing violinist as him :)
I also really enjoyed playing as part of the viola concerto as well. It was really nice of Phil to say that I could play in the smaller string section, though I was a bit worried by what the others thought of it.
It is so difficult to gauge how people are going to react to you. You don't want to come off as being a know-all, but equally you don't want to be known as a weak musician. It is also difficult to work out your boundaries in an orchestral setting, and whether your opinion should be heard, and how the leader reacts to comments, etc. For me personally, I wanted to keep my head down and get on with it. It isn't my place to say anything, I don't know how the orchestra works. I also don't think I know anything compared to Crispin. If you have worked with the calibre of people he has, you know your stuff.
Today was another example of how Chichester is giving me better opportunities. The level of playing is high, the conductor has worked with legends, and the leader likes my playing.
All in all, I think I've had a rather successful day :D

Having a wobble...

On Friday I was having a real wobble about my decision to have a gap year, and then go back into second year of Chichester university.
When I was talking to one of my good friends, Nina, and her telling me about how good Canterbury was that made me think. It was also the point when she said that people didn't actually hate me either, (which I always thought they did) that made me have a wobble.
The thought died the next day, but it also made me realise a couple of things. I could start to make peace with Canterbury and the atmosphere that was there. I could go back to Canterbury for visits, and I can pick and choose who I want to see when I am there, something I couldn't do when I was studying. I also realised that I cannot pick a university based on where my friends are.

Hopefully, this is a good sign of me growing up, and reminding myself of the good times I had in Canterbury, and distinguishing good memories and people, with good opportunities. x

It's getting colder....

Autumn for me is one of my favourite times of year. It isn't too hot, you get to wear warmer, more earthy colours and clothes, and get to play with the leaves and the conkers. All Hallow's eve also falls in autumn, where you get to dress up and get free sweets! :D

Halloween is a very special time for this Palmer household, because this was the day my mum and dad got married, and it is also the day I would want to get married, with autumn leaves being my confetti. To me, it holds much greater significance. Mum died 2 years ago now, and it is always a nice day to remember her spirit being near us, guiding and protecting us.

Another occasion that I love is bonfire night. Getting to watch fireworks, playing (sensibly) with sparklers, sitting with loved ones around a bonfire, and wearing wellies! To me, this is an ultimate combination of all the things I have always loved since childhood.

One thing I am missing though this year is not having a partner/boyfriend to share it with. I am not desperate, nor do I need someone to make me happy, but it is nice to have that someone to cuddle, to be kept warm by the bonfire. It doesn't mean that I miss my ex, far from it! I just more so miss that company. 

All in all, autumn is the best. I think that most people don't really like autumn, and if they put the seasons of the year in order of preference, autumn would be last. 

Honestly though, I think people are missing out on beautiful scenery, wonderful knitted clothing, and the feeling of togetherness that autumn brings. 

So my advise? Put those wonderful knits on, get those wellies out, and start enjoying autumn :D