It's going to be a hard day....

Today is graduation day. All of my class will be graduating, and I'm in Portsmouth. Doing nothing. I thought that because I got paid today, I would go out shopping to forget about it. If my suspicions are correct, I can't afford to buy anything. I can't go out yet, as the plumber/central heating guy is here, and all those photos of everyone's graduations will be thrown onto facebook. I'm feeling a bit miserable to say the least.
For the first time in history, I am going to ban myself from facebook for a day. It will stop me seeing so much graduation stuff. The pictures won't come for a while, and I'll probably be bombarded by them when I next go on, but it can't be helped. People deserve to put their achievements on facebook if they so choose.
I have to find something to do. Maybe I should of gone to Wales today with dad and daniel. I might do a bit of violin practice, (say hello to the old girl ;) ) go to the gym, sort out banking crap.
I know I will get through this, because in a couple of months I will have my graduation, (if Canterbury ever get their act together!) and I will be making a new start at Chichester. I will be working hard, and when I graduate, I will deserve the degree that I want.
All will be fine. It doesn't mean that it isn't difficult now.

I wish the rest of my class a wonderful graduation, and if you need me for something, ring me as I won't be on facebook! x

It's the little things...

Today, and the last couple of days have been giving me new opportunities by the minute!
I found out at student loans that both my years at Chichester uni will be fully funded, which is a good weight taken off my mind.
I got back to the gym yesterday. Big achievement for me, as I have recently neglected the gym. It felt even better to of gone to the gym with Abi today- it's good to have someone there beside you, quietly pushing you on. (Thank you for all those people who have helped get my sorry arse to the gym :D )
I've been talking with my advisor, and been given some real help as to how to deal with my panic moments, and to release some of the tension building up.
I have work tomorrow, which I always enjoy, and the time I can test my panic theories. I get paid on Friday, and cannot wait to get monies, get my ticket to the cascades partay and let loose!
Slowly, my life is turning back into the positive times in September.
I also had a good facebook clear out. Getting rid of those friends of whom I will never speak to, (but wish the best obviously) and those complete dicks that I didn't get rid of soon enough. This feels like a clean slate, getting rid of some of the negativity, and replacing it with hope.
These little things probably seem insignificant, but these little things will make a good impact on my mood, on my outlook of things, which is very important at the moment.
Hooray for the little things :D x

Climbing back up by my teeth

I have been finding it really difficult lately. My downs have come back, and I feel like I'm bothering everyone if I ring them and explain what's going on with me. I still want help, I just can't ask for it. It has made me lose my motivation, and I feel that all my hard work has been for nothing weight wise.
I am trying to get help though. I am with the italk service, which helps me a lot. I had a chat with my councellory person and she says it sounds like seasonal affective disorder (SAD for short). I now have to get a special lamp. (for some reason I'm rather excited by this prospect. Mainly because I could solve problems with a lamp!...)
One of the other issues I have been dealing with is opening up to people at Lush. I think they are all awesome and lovely folk, but I can't seem to open up, and it makes me act all strange, something I don't understand myself.
I think it's mainly me not opening up about my mum and nan dying. (with the added thing of trying to prove myself)
I used to open up to people so easily, and now? I am scared that telling them, they would pity me, and judge me differently, and tell everyone (which is what happened for the most part in Canterbury). On the other side, I won't be able to be myself until I tell them. After the chat, I feel that I have the courage to tell a very select few about my circumstances, so when I am next in, I will be opening up.
I have had other help today as well. A friend in Canterbury has been writing a new blog about his weight loss. His new blog post definitely struck a chord with me today. Want to throw in the towel? Is very close to home at the moment. I have stopped going to the gym lately. It was originally because of my back problems that I had. After that though, I have lacked motivation and drive to go. Danny made the point that the first step is the hardest, and as long as you are making short steps, you are still making progress.
I now feel that I can get myself back on track, and I honestly have him to thank. It's been a low day for me, but also productive (for a down day). I will get through this. I just have to realise that I can't do everything at once, tis all.
x

I somehow have a degree...

I saw my post from Canterbury CCU and thought that I have got my HE Dip through the post. I open my mail and find I have a Bachelor of Music degree!
This has just made my life VERY confusing! I really want to go to Chichester University next year. It has such a good music department, with so many wonderful people (WAY less bitchy than Canterbury!). I now have so many doubts. Now that I have my degree, I feel it is very cheeky of me to do two years of a BA (music) course. What I want is to have a degree with honours. It is again going to be a very tough decision for me.
I think what frustrates me most is that I had everything sorted out, and then suddenly it's made everything up in the air again.
I also think that Canterbury have treated me extremely poorly throughout the whole situation. I have had no help or support. These people then assumed that I would be coming back, (hell no) and then when they found out I was withdrawing, I had to then prompt them to give me my HE Dip. It took an absolute age for a start, and I had no warning that I was to get a degree at all.
In hindsight, they have not given me any support at all throughout my degree. My mum and nan died, and all I got was tip-toed around, and had my personal details spread around the department.
At least I know I made the right decision to withdraw from Canterbury. I suppose that's a plus, right??x