What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

What you put up with

It is funny what you put up with for so long.

As you well know, I have been dealing with these tummy problems for ages, and am doing my food diary and a tummy diary, to try and find a pattern.

Looking through the diary, ready for Monday, has made me realise what I have put up with for so long!

Virtually every morning this week I have woken up feeling ill. Two out of the four days, I have felt unwell during the day. Only today, I have woken up feeling fine, and have had no negative tummy problems so far.

I think partly you only realise that you are unwell when you see the evidence with your own eyes, and how it affects you as a person. I think also hindsight is a wonderful thing. The times when I thought I was fine when I wasn't show up more, because you truly feel better physically and within yourself.

Not all bad eh :P

One of the times that really sticks with me was when I went to Corfu this year on holiday.

For the first day or two I felt ok, but as the week carried on, I was feeling really ill with my tummy, and as a knock-on effect was becoming quite irritable. Thankfully, my partner understood and helped me through.

Looking back, I was very unwell, but carried on; I was just determined to have a good time on holiday.

I think sometimes we forget the problems aren't just to do with health. The knock on effects can affect your loved ones as well.

I want to be able to be better for myself obviously, but also for my partner. He has been that support for quite a while, and when it is sorted it will never be forgotten.

So here's to all those who look after their loved ones, because truly, you are amazing! x

The Lemon Drizzle Cake Theory

Well, today has been one of those days.
One of the ladies brought in a wonderful lemon drizzle cake, and after I resisted the ginger biscuits yesterday, could not quite resist a slice, especially when everyone else was enjoying it. (Thank you Kirsty, it tasted yummy :) )
I think temptation is one of those things- what is one person's temptation, isn't another person's. I think also resisting is a technique you get better at with time. If you are used to saying 'yes' to all that food then it is harder to resist, but the more you get used to saying no, the easier it becomes. Now I am not saying that I say no to everything, as the drizzle cake shows, but I am learning to be a bit more picky in the treats I have. It is a long process, and in time, I might even say no to cake more often, but my thought is that denying yourself of everything just makes you want it more. Having that little amount of something you really enjoy isn't a bad thing.
Obviously though, my stomach thought something was a bad thing today! I have been trying to swap my lunch and dinner sizes around to try and help my metabolism and my digestion. As I had an hour lunch, I thought I'd go out and have a main meal- within 20 minutes of finishing, I felt absolutely appalling, and after my evening tea as well. The problems don't bother me so much though, because I know when Katie sees my food diary, it should be another piece of the puzzle.

Feeling proud in my shirt:)

After all these problems with my stomach, I wanted to see the positives of everything going on with my body. I had this work shirt which I liked, but didn't wear often because it was tight around my boobs and waist. I tried it on this evening, and had no trouble at all! It makes me feel so proud of the work I have been putting in to change my lifestyle and feel healthier, inside and out.
So tomorrow, I will be wearing my shirt with pride, knowing that I can do it :)

Finding the Positives

I went to go see Katie yesterday for my weekly weigh in and looking at the food diary. Had a weigh in, and gained two pounds. This is the first week I have gained weight, but then it didn't come as a shock. I haven't eaten so well and started exercising again, so the combination of both could have contributed. I know though that I can get it back off, so I'm not so upset about it as I would have been a while ago.
The main focus of my session this time was stomach problems I have been facing. I have been feeling unwell for a while now, and my doctor kept fobbing me off, saying that it is my weight. I felt so alone, because no-one seemed to want to help me with my problems. Now I have someone there, supporting me each step of the way. I feel it is such a weight off my mind now, and has pushed me to be able to keep motivated.
I am carrying on with my food diaries, but now have to add in when I don't feel well, and the exact symptoms I have been having. That way I will find the source of the problems, and as a result, should lose weight easier.
Why my doctor couldn't have done this earlier, I'm not sure. Hey ho. I have to now forget the problems my doctor has caused/change doctors, and I think that will be another chapter shut.
Anyhoo, I am off to Zumba, so have a lovely evening, I definitely will! :D

Catching up and being a loser again

It really has been too long since I have blogged, so will fill you in!

-I now have my degree in music (II:i), which I am very proud of, and have made some brilliant music friends/contacts in the process.

-I have a full driving licence, making life sooo much easier!

-Went on holiday with my Dad and brother to Turkey (

-And of course, that Ice Bucket Challenge!

My biggest change though, has been quite recent. I have been seeing two ladies at my doctors regarding my weight. This was after I had a bad run in with my doctor, who decides that every problem I have is because I am fat, and my boyfriend (who she has never met) is a feeder who "likes to keep his chubby girlfriend chubby".

Not very nice.

The girls who have been helping me, Chloe, and now Katie, have been the complete opposite- supportive, caring and give me good tips foodwise. They have made me keep a food diary, which I recommend to everyone, because you don't truly realise what you eat until you write it down!

After about 2 months(ish) I have lost 10 lbs, and feel so proud of myself!

I am quite nervous about my weigh in tomorrow though- went out to eat with the work girls last Friday, went away for the weekend, and had a takeaway this Friday, so not my healthiest, hopefully going back to Zumba after the summer break, with a fair amount of walking helped to combat that. Either way, I am starting to feel better with myself, and happier, and lucky to have my loved ones there supporting me every step of the way.

My next goal is to feel better about the seatbelt on a plane. It seems a bit of a strange goal to have, but I feel I really need to believe in myself more, and believe what the scales are telling me. 

I had such a panic when I went away on holiday last time about the seatbelt fitting, I couldn't really properly get excited about the flight and the trip for worrying about the seatbelt. 

My next trip away is to Berlin in December for the Christmas markets, and don't want to feel like that again. I'm enough of a worrywort as it is!

Also, I don't want to ruin my friends' trip with me harping on about the seatbelt of all things.

Hopefully we'll be too excited by the markets, and the Christmas atmosphere :D

Who wouldn't be excited to drink mulled wine/hot chocolate and go shopping???

So here goes..!

Body Matters 2

I had a real shock when I was walking round cascades portsmouth. I saw a photo booth that had virtual plastic surgery!!! Maybe I'm making too much of a deal, but I was genuinely shocked to see that, especially with the image of a teenager's face.
We wonder why young people, (and older people alike!) have issues with their bodies, why we as humans cannot accept ourselves for how we are. I think people are so used to seeing these types of things it becomes commonplace. How is virtual plastic surgery going to make you feel better about yourself? If anything, it is going to make you feel worse. This is the same with airbrushing. How is getting rid of your natural shape going to make you feel better? I understand if for example, you are on your period and have oily skin/spots. This is a temporary problem.
I had a photoshoot in March, and I enjoyed myself, and felt for the first time in ages that I was really confident in myself. One of my very good friends from Canterbury is a whiz with graphics, and with photo artwork. She did some wonderful artwork to these photos. Some photos though, it made me feel really bad about myself.

This is the original photo from the photoshoot. I know I have some imperfections, but I was able to look past this and realise what a beautiful photo this was. It also made me realise that I should show off my legs a lot more!!! ;)

This photo was the one my friend did for me. A beautiful background, and I adore the artistic touches of the moon and music. What I don't understand though is why my hair had to be lighter, (I don't mind the blonde taken out, as it isn't natural) why I needed to not be so pale, why my face looks different, why all the fat has gone from my stomach, and why the dress has been made longer to hide my legs. This isn't me. I cannot connect with this photo. If anything it made me feel really low about myself. It showed that I wasn't good enough. It showed I wasn't acceptable. I know I sound very harsh towards my friend who did this. I didn't bring it up at the time, as I didn't want her to feel like I was throwing it back in her face. She did this for fun, and for my benefit. It is a wonderful photo, just not me.

This is the same photo as the top one, with just some artistic lighting. This I love. It is simple, yet keeps the old feel of the original photo.

This is another of her photos.

This photo she has not changed anything from the original print, but has made one of the most beautiful backgrounds I have ever seen. All she did was put some make up on my face. I feel beautiful when I see this photo. All these wonderful things around me, and I still can be a focal point of a photo.
My point though, is that we do not need airbrushing, or plastic surgery to make us beautiful. We are god's creation. This is how we are supposed to be. If we were perfect, we would be an angel up high.

Plus size problems!

For the orchestral concert on the 28th of October, we were told to wear long black dresses, without showing any knee. At first, being a girl, I was quite excited at the prospect of potentially getting another dress to add to the collection.
Today though, I have had the age old problem of sizeism in shops. It is so difficult to find a maxi dress at this time of the year, let alone all black and plus size!
It seems that people don't understand that being fat is equally as much of a psychological problem as being anorexic or bulimic. Shops still stock size 4-6, but not plus size. (Not saying that all people who are sizes 4-6 have a problem) You should be treated exactly the same as someone with anorexia or bulimia. It is first and foremost a psychological problem that is using food as a trigger. It is not a sign of being a lazy slob, and the NHS patronising people with: "food has these things called calories in them" does not help the situation.
How is making shopping difficult, making it a demoralizing experience helping them? How is that giving them more self worth?
I have lost nearly half a stone so far, but I wonder what the point is. I am still landed with the fact I can't wear the pretty clothes other girls wear. Something needs to change, and I hope and pray it will come soon. x

(Btw please let me know what you think of this dress, would appreciate the comments)

Body Matters

Went in to Curves this morning to have my weigh and measure, and this month lost 4 pounds and 4.75 inches!
I'm really proud of myself at the moment, and I really believe that I can do this! Putting my results sheet on the fridge :D

Another, more worrying thing I had today was my doctor's appointment. I noticed a difference in my breasts, and straight away went to the doctors. My doctor checked me out, and gave me the all clear. I felt a bit silly earlier, like I've wasted my doctor's time.
Maybe I was being a worry wort, but my mum died of breast cancer, so I always believe in absolute vigilance. I think we deserve it to ourselves to be vigilant, it shows that we love and respect our bodies enough to do something about it.
Thinking about it now, I feel I have proved to myself that I love my body enough to care. That for me is an achievement.

So if I can be cheeky enough to give advice, check yourself every month, because your body is worth the care. x