The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

My first vintage outing

I know it has been a little while since I did any posts, but with holidays and feeling crap (having to eat gluten...blood test soon thank goodness!) I fell off the wheel a bit.

I did promise that I would show my ebay purchases in a previous blog post, and have been so excited to show you!

I have been waiting for a chance to show off the dress, and had one last weekend. I love vintage, as I find it gives me a great shape, so was determined to get a vintage style dress. I was lucky enough to buy some heated rollers on ebay for a good price as well, so win win situation!

I'm not normally a green person, but this colour was stunning!

I got so many compliments that evening, and got some about my weight loss as well, so was a very happy bunny.

I was lucky enough hairwise to have the help of youtube videos for vintage hair, and the lovely Laura for doing my hair- I honestly would have looked like a hot mess without her!

I still haven't quite worked out how to do the vintage makeup, but if anyone has some tips I would be eternally grateful. 

All in all I would recommend getting some purchases from fashion house (fashion house ebay link) and would recommend buying from ebay. So many plus size brands charge a lot for their products, so I'm always on the look out for a bargain. Ebay has its downfalls as we all know, but on the most part you get some brilliant stuff on there. I think as long as you are prepared to have a proper look on there the diamond in the rough is there.

Well happy shopping, and let me know if you find any good bargains yourself :D

The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

Fashion Surprises!

Maybe it is just me, but I am someone who is a fiend for a bargain. Whilst I have some outfits that costed a fair bit of money, most of my clothes are from the sales. 

I just don't see why I should spend so much money on outfits, especially at this point where I am losing weight, and clothes might not fit me at some point soon. 

I didn't go out today to buy clothes at all, if anything I am having a clear out, but I couldn't let these go amiss. Black jeggings are my staple as an apple shape. As fellow apple shapers know, jeans will swamp your legs, whilst jeggings will show off what you have.

I came across this pair from none other than Lidl! Yes, Lidl! and at £4.99 I could not resist.

They are slightly tight at the top, but that will just be a little incentive for me to carry on with my weight loss journey.

So it just goes to show, you don't always need to go to the expensive shops to be able to buy nice clothes. 

Trying new brands + becoming an ebayer!

After watching Plus Sized Wars, I seemed to be going nuts for clothes, starting my own instagram (fluffy_rach) and decided to try yours clothing and see what is there.
Being a sale fiend, I decided to try a couple of belts and some patterned harem trousers. I found the sale stuff very reasonable. In comparison to what you can spend on plus size clothing, most things were a reasonable price.
The order came through pretty quickly, in time for a night out with my work friends.
My only worry was that all my weight is around my tummy. I wore a waist nipper just to flatten the area, so the material skimmed over.
I got no complaints of me looking awful, so I assumed I looked fine ;)
I felt so confident, and would definitely recommend a pair.
Having free returns now is also helpful. As for the belts, I would need to go up a size.
I used to get quite upset if things didn't fit me in my 'usual' size, but really sizes don't mean anything. As long as you are happy with what you see in the mirror, that is all that matters.

I have a couple more purchases in the pipeline, including a fabulous dress I bought off ebay, but I musn't show that one off yet! Definitely inspired by Georgina Horne of Fullerfigurefullerbust. That is all I will say.
After starting a major fashion clear out, I have decided to start ebaying some of my stuff. I certainly work in the right place, so am having fun watching my items get bid on!
Just so happy that these pieces will go to a home that will truly enjoy them.
Hopefully I won't buy too much with the money I get :p x

Plus Sized Wars- My Thoughts!

I have been so excited to watch Plus Sized Wars on Channel 4, ever since I saw Georgina Horne from fullerfigurefullerbust promoting it on her facebook. I was intrigued to see what spin channel 4 would take on the plus size market.
On the most part I think it showed that women of all sizes deserve beautiful clothing, but I do feel that some things need addressing.
The interviewer question about Tess Holliday- 'Do you think she is sexy?' Do you ask that about every woman he books? No, because you don't book a model as to whether you would want to have sex with them or not. His personal preferance is his. I found it insulting, because it was implied that because she isn't the 'norm' that it isn't normal to find her sexy either.
The typical 'are you promoting obesity/unhealthy lifestyle' question. No. It is not promoting obesity. Do you know what IS promoting obesity? Supermarkets having whole aisles dedicated to sweets, biscuits, chocolate, cake, takeaways, alcohol and cigarettes, with special offers left right and centre. Now let me get something straight. I am a strong believer that you can eat everything to be healthy, however it is about how much you eat, and the exercise that you put in as well. For people to believe that they can judge someone straight away purely by what they look like is a bit stupid.
If you wrote down what I ate, and then what some of my friends ate, and got people to guess who had which diet, you can bet your life they would chose my body for the worse diet. Most of the time it isn't the case at all. Some people just seem to be able to eat crap and 'get away with it'. They never get questioned on their life choices though! Why? Because their body fits the type that society has decided.
I think frankly what you do with your body is up to you. No one truly knows your health apart from you and your doctor.
Whatever size you are, you deserve to feel good about yourself, and deserve to have gorgeous clothes. Also, if you do so happen to want to lose the weight, then actually someone body shaming makes it less likely that you will lose that weight. This question is basically just subtle body shaming, implying you don't deserve nice clothes until you are smaller.
I noticed that they didn't air them asking the bloggers those questions. They would have been smacked down quicker than you can say 'obesity epidemic'.
The last thing, which I think is a travesty is that they did not mention Velvet D'Amour or Volup2 magazine! This woman has paved the way for plus size fashion and acceptance, with walking on JPG at Paris Fashion Week. Paris. One of the fashion centres of the world. Volup2 prides itself in acceptance for all!
She wasn't even introduced at all for who she is. I think that shows total disrespect for what she has done for us all.
I think on the most part though, I'm glad that the bloggers were shown for being fabulous as they are, and I think it also showed how fickle the modelling industry is. $_$

What a Gaga Weekend!

Well this weekend has been amazing for me, as I have been to my very first live popular music concert, and watched Lady Gaga at the O2 arena in London!

With a nice dose of pointless :P

I have always liked Lady Gaga, so this has been a long time coming, after I couldn't get tickets for her last tour.
I was able to go with my best friend from uni who I haven't seen in a while, so it was brilliant to catch up with her and just have lots of fun :D
We obviously had to dress up, especially after seeing some of the brilliant outfits we saw people wearing for her tour so far. We weren't alone in dressing up, but equally we were in the minority, which was a shame, but hey ho.
What really did strike a chords though was how I didn't feel so nervous or self-conscious about this. I think it did help that I had my friend there with me, but I think partly I am just happier in myself.
I don't feel half as unwell as I used to, I am losing weight, and for the most part am starting to build my confidence.
The bit that I remember before the concert was when we were queuing up to get in. There were girls who dressed up as Where's Wally, (which was brilliant by the way) but otherwise it was just us.
I was starting to get a little self-conscious and nervous, when I noticed a family queuing with their children. The dad was staring at my outfit, I noticed him and smiled, and he gave me a friendly thumbs up. That was the moment I really felt at ease, because I think partly we all like to be accepted, and I realised no-one else really cared apart from me. These people didn't judge me, either on my outfit or my weight, and that was refreshing as well.
Maybe it is the fans of Lady Gaga. She really does have such a wide fan base, and she promotes acceptance in everything that she does, which I think feeds into her fans.
She was absolutely amazing, and did songs from all her albums, it was just such a brilliant show.
Here's hoping that acceptance becomes a part of everyone's lives, not just the few.

Doors Closing and opening

These past two days I have been having fantastic experiences with my graduation and the model casting. Friday was a day of doors closing, and today has been a day of doors opening for me.

Firstly, I had my graduation at Canterbury. It was such a wonderful experience, to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral, with people that I considered friends, especially being able to graduate with my best friend :) It was also a time to build bridges with people. I was also very lucky to get all three family members that came to Canterbury to be able to see me graduate. Yes, my Mum wasn't there to see me graduate, but on the plus side, she didn't really need a seat, because she was with us.
I can now finish that chapter of my life, and move on to better and bigger things. I can keep things that I enjoyed from it, appreciate the amazing people that I met, and not worry about the bad.

Today, I had my model casting for London Plus Size Fashion Weekend. This was the first time that I have ever gone to a model casting. I was very lucky to have my best friend there supporting me. At first, I found the whole thing very daunting. There were girls there talking about their modelling, and campaigns that they have done. I felt like the only one there who wasn't a professional model. At one point, I was trying to work out in my head how to get out of the place without making it look obvious, then a lady from Evolve magazine came in to ask about the reasons as to why we were doing it. That's when I started to feel comfortable and open up. I am so glad that I stayed and saw it through, because I felt the casting went really well, and got to see some of the pageant girls as well. It's nice to see that they are doing so well for themselves.
The thing I got the most out of for that casting though was what the lady from the magazine said. She said that what they are also looking for is women who are strong and confident within themselves. I didn't think that I was, but my friend sees otherwise. Then I had a breakthrough. Those people in Canterbury who tried to make my life hell, I thank them. If they didn't try and push me down, then I wouldn't of gained the strength to fight back, to push them out of my way.
What do I say now? Keep trying, because you are helping me be the best person that I can be. x

Feeling accepted

So yesterday I went to Southsea Fashion Week's Haute Couture and Avant Garde shows. I wore my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash, and found a fabulous designer- Gerli Liivamagi. Her designs were breathtaking, and in St Peter's Church, it was so haunting. I will definitely be bugging her to make the dresses for my size ;D (http://www.gerliliivamagi.com)
What I also loved was the response that I got from people on the night. I was a bit worried about wearing my sash at first, especially as plus size is such a taboo in fashion, but what I got from so many people was smiles. To feel accepted on my first public outing was such a confidence boost for me, and in the interval, I bumped into some of the models, who were beautiful inside and out, and met Miss Portsmouth Popularity who was modelling that evening.
I hope that in my little way, I showed that plus size is prevalent in fashion. I think the fashion world is moving closer and closer to accepting people of all shapes and sizes, and it just needs a spark.
It is going to be a difficult week for me, being my mother's anniversary. But I have made a promise to myself, that this bank holiday every year, I will do something new, and that way, it'll feel like she is with me every step of the way, that she isn't missing out on everything in my life. This year, it was the fashion week. I think she gave me the courage to go out there and wear my sash.
So mum, this one is for you. x

I love fashion, but will fashion ever love me?

As many plus women out there will know, it is very difficult to get the latest fashions, and to shop in the highstreet. Granted, there are many shops that do cater for us, and some who give us a special plus size range, but so many like warehouse and topshop to name a few, don't cater for the plus size woman, and doesn't intend to.

Velvet d'amour at Paris 2006

 I have seen so many plus size women start to break the boundaries in fashion (with velvet d'amour being a great example) that it has given me hope. We need to challenge the version of 'the norm'. We need to make it a necessity for us to see real women on the catwalk, not just the token plus size model here and there.
I will be attending Southsea fashion week this weekend, which is my local city, and the city I represented for Miss British Beauty Curve 2012. I am very excited to go, not just to see all the beautiful designs, but a little birdy told me there are a couple of plus size ranges in there. It makes me proud to call myself a pompey lass, and gives me reason to think that fashion will truly love plus size women one day.
So if you are at the haute couture and avant garde shows this weekend, come say hello! :D x

Beautifying and Realising :)

Dotty P for the win!

So today has been pretty busy for a day off, preparing for my cousin's wedding. This morning I had my first facial at my local health and beauty place. I found it hard to shut off my brain at the time, but after I felt incredibly relaxed, with beautiful skin. I definitely will be having it again, and will hopefully be glowing on saturday :)
After that, went shopping to get accessories for this dress I'm wearing to the wedding.
I think people have no idea how hard it is to actually shop for a plus size person. Most shops won't cater for us in the first place, or do these patronising 'plus size ranges' which are basically potato sacks. It took my friend and I four hours to find a nice dress and a pair of shoes that will fit and suit me. Today, it took my friend and I an extra 3 hours to find a hair piece and a bag, and still haven't found a shrug to go with it. This time, it wasn't to do with my shape or size, but moreso all the different colours of the dress and matching them all up!
On the plus side though, I must of burnt off a lot of calories from all the walking we did ;)
When I got home, I had my hair cut, and then was off to the gym for the weekly zumba class. I can tell I'm getting back into the swing of things gym wise, as I didn't need to collapse afterwards. Always a plus. Going back to the gym has also lifted my spirits, and putting me back on track health and weight wise.
I recently got a proper diagnosis of all my hormonal problems- PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) which means I'm not so harsh on myself when I don't lose weight quicker. My doctor will hopefully be putting me on metformin tablets, commonly used for type 2 diabetes patients to control blood sugar, to try and counteract the effects of PCOS.

Taken on Guernsey during tour :)

To be honest, I'm just happy I know what is going on with my body, as it takes one stress off my mind. It also gives you a better outlook on your body. My self confidence has come up enough to post this photo, and have it as my profile pic. I would never have done anything of the sort at the beginning of the year. If I am being honest with myself, I probably wouldn't of allowed the photo to even go up on facebook, let alone post it myself! For me, I just don't care anymore if people don't like the photo. I think I look nice, and it's taken me a while to realise it, but that's all that matters. Obviously if your friends, your other half, and your family like it, then that is always a plus. In the end though, it starts with you. I'll finish this post with this little saying:
'Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in'. x

Getting last minute nerves, good news and good fashion!

It is crazy how the pageant has crept up on me, it's tomorrow!! I'm mostly very nervous now, because I have to do girly things like hair and make up. I am appalling at doing hair and make up. A part of me is wondering why the hell I even thought about entering the competition in the first place. The other half of me knows it's nerves talking. The reason I entered this in the first place was because I wanted to take myself out of my comfort zone, to try and help me get my fire and self confidence back. Obviously I want to win, but for me, it is the experience I am most looking forward to. I think that seeing other girls/women who are size 14+ might give me a realistic attitude  towards myself. I don't need to be skinny to feel attractive. It doesn't matter how many dress sizes I lose, it's how beautiful I feel on the inside.
My friends aren't able to make it unfortunately, but it'll also be a good way to show that I can rely on myself, and do things on my own.
On another happy note, my friend has got an interview for her doctorate! I'm so proud of her, she really deserves this opportunity, and I hope she gets it.

My favourite swimsuit I found on the site

On a more fashionista topic, being plus size I find it hard to find clothes, especially clothes that don't look like a potato sack. Yes, I have been losing weight, but I'm still not there yet!
I love all the vintage clothes, and I love the vintage look. It celebrates the curves on a woman's body, which is just non-existent in modern fashion. I have found an amazing american site- http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/ that sells beautful vintage clothes, that has a really decent plus size range, including swimsuits!
It is so difficult to buy a swimsuit that will fit you as a plus size girl (as I think fellow plusies will relate). Shops either think you have no boobs-very much not the case- or that we don't venture into the water.
The swimsuit range here is from extra small to 2x. That is rare. It really looks as if it gives decent support, which again is very rare to find. The specific plus size range of their clothes are also beautiful, showing that they understand a fuller figured woman. When lent finishes, you can guess what my wardrobe might be full of!
It is so nice to see a shop that really does cater for all, hooray! Now all we need is this in the UK. Fingers crossed the website will get a UK branch soon! x