Coping with Mental Health

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas. My anxiety was back with heated avengence. This followed after I lost my job with severe depression. I got put on tablets to help, but they gave me bad headaches. I then got put on other tablets. They are starting to work. I'm being referred for high intensity CBT.
One of the best things though would have to be my best friend coming to see me this weekend. It was so refreshing. I got to show the work I have done to my flat, got the travel frames up, went to the cinema, had a girly night. Honestly one of the best weekends I have had in a while.
If you ever don't know what to do when your friend has mental health issues going on, do that. It is a blessing.

Also something that has really helped is to have a proper pamper. I have cleansed, toned, face mask, moisturised. I have had a bath with a bath bomb, salts, body scrub and body lotion. I feel so much calmer and relaxed. Giving yourself a pamper is definitely good for the soul. You are worth spending time over.
Whilst I am no closer to finding a job, I feel more positive. I have wonderful friends who care about me. I feel beautiful by spending time on myself. My sailor will be back in 5 days.
Life will get easier.

The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal