Coping with Mental Health

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas. My anxiety was back with heated avengence. This followed after I lost my job with severe depression. I got put on tablets to help, but they gave me bad headaches. I then got put on other tablets. They are starting to work. I'm being referred for high intensity CBT.
One of the best things though would have to be my best friend coming to see me this weekend. It was so refreshing. I got to show the work I have done to my flat, got the travel frames up, went to the cinema, had a girly night. Honestly one of the best weekends I have had in a while.
If you ever don't know what to do when your friend has mental health issues going on, do that. It is a blessing.

Also something that has really helped is to have a proper pamper. I have cleansed, toned, face mask, moisturised. I have had a bath with a bath bomb, salts, body scrub and body lotion. I feel so much calmer and relaxed. Giving yourself a pamper is definitely good for the soul. You are worth spending time over.
Whilst I am no closer to finding a job, I feel more positive. I have wonderful friends who care about me. I feel beautiful by spending time on myself. My sailor will be back in 5 days.
Life will get easier.

The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Drag and Lush- the best medicine there is.

So after a really rough start to the year, this week has been one of the most healing of weeks I could have.
I am on new drugs that do make me very numb and very spaced out. The only way I can describe to people who haven't been on these types of drugs, is that its like having emotional blinkers. Your body doesn't allow you to feel your emotions to the fullest, especially the bad ones. It also unfortunately gives you a bigger appetite. Not exactly great when you are trying to lose weight, and maintain the weight loss that I currently have at the moment. So I have decided to give myself a bit of a break. Not be very bad as such, but just ride the food storm through. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more, and really top up on the free foods, speed and protein.
So whilst on my first week of tablets, I had a night out already planned to go see Trinity Taylor and Aja from Ru Paul's Drag Race season 9. I am a major Trinity Taylor fan, and the minute I saw she was coming to the UK I jumped at the chance to get tickets, and get to meet her afterwards as well. So I bought two tickets assuming I would be able to find someone free to go with me.

Divina De Campo

Well that never happened. So I thought no, I am still going to go. I am not missing out on the opportunity to meet my queen. I also really needed to get away from everything for a night. Do things by myself.
In the end, I watched Judy at the Arts Theatre for the matinee (definitely go see it. Amazing show.) and then went back to my hotel to get ready to go back out. I could feel I was on the verge of a panic attack, so rung my best friend, who made sure I got my bum to the gig.
I am so glad I went. I was so anxious going by myself, but once I found the room it was all going on in, I was able to calm down and attempt to enjoy the evening.
Got to see Divina De Campo as our host to start with. Very quick on her feet with the crowd, and the voice. Heard her do Barcelona. Stunning. Was able to get really near the front for all three queens.
I always knew I was going to love Trinity. So nutty I loved it. Aja made me a fan that night. Her lipsyncing is stunning. I was just in awe the whole time.
Getting to meet them afterwards and getting Trinity to sign my merchandise was just the cherry on top of the cake. They were both so sweet and kind.
I was just so proud of myself that I was able to go by myself and rid myself of my demons for a night. I felt like my meet and greet was my reward.
I would definitely recommend going to a holy trannity run show as well. So well organised, and so well thought out as well. Every base had been covered. I would definitely go again, and do intend to if any of my favourite queens were local to me again.
The other part of my London trip was my spa treatment at King's Road Lush. I got some spa treatments when I used to work for the company, so it's nice that I get to use them after I have left. I have always heard such good things about the comforter, and I was able to get a last minute appointment. I don't believe in coincidence. It really felt beautiful to feel properly pampered. To feel completely calm (especially as I had a mild panic attack on the tube on my way there), and feel like I was in the right place at the right time. It gave me so much clarity of my present situation. Sometimes you really have to go through a rough patch to be able to learn from your mistakes; to learn what you will and won't accept, to realise how strong you truly are, to know that everything will be ok in the end. At the end of my treatment, my wonderful therapist actually random acted me. All you lush workers know how much that means. I will be going back there soon for my hard days night treatment, and can't wait to book it in.
After my treatment, I decided to go out for lunch before heading back home. I received a wonderful message from someone who went to the show after seeing my instagram post from the night before.
Random acts of kindness kept me going and persevering throughout the day. I didn't have a panic attack on the tube on the way back. It's the little things.
So I suppose in the end, I want you to know that words make such a difference in people's lives. Make sure they are good ones.

Climbing back up by my teeth

I have been finding it really difficult lately. My downs have come back, and I feel like I'm bothering everyone if I ring them and explain what's going on with me. I still want help, I just can't ask for it. It has made me lose my motivation, and I feel that all my hard work has been for nothing weight wise.
I am trying to get help though. I am with the italk service, which helps me a lot. I had a chat with my councellory person and she says it sounds like seasonal affective disorder (SAD for short). I now have to get a special lamp. (for some reason I'm rather excited by this prospect. Mainly because I could solve problems with a lamp!...)
One of the other issues I have been dealing with is opening up to people at Lush. I think they are all awesome and lovely folk, but I can't seem to open up, and it makes me act all strange, something I don't understand myself.
I think it's mainly me not opening up about my mum and nan dying. (with the added thing of trying to prove myself)
I used to open up to people so easily, and now? I am scared that telling them, they would pity me, and judge me differently, and tell everyone (which is what happened for the most part in Canterbury). On the other side, I won't be able to be myself until I tell them. After the chat, I feel that I have the courage to tell a very select few about my circumstances, so when I am next in, I will be opening up.
I have had other help today as well. A friend in Canterbury has been writing a new blog about his weight loss. His new blog post definitely struck a chord with me today. Want to throw in the towel? Is very close to home at the moment. I have stopped going to the gym lately. It was originally because of my back problems that I had. After that though, I have lacked motivation and drive to go. Danny made the point that the first step is the hardest, and as long as you are making short steps, you are still making progress.
I now feel that I can get myself back on track, and I honestly have him to thank. It's been a low day for me, but also productive (for a down day). I will get through this. I just have to realise that I can't do everything at once, tis all.
x

The best therapy

I have been battling my mind since my mum died. I do not allow myself to cry unless I am completely alone. When I do, it is like I can hear all of my hurt come to the surface. It is like a cry, a wail, like I am calling for someone to help me, but then I don't like people seeing me like this. It is a rough vicious cycle. I used to be able to open up a lot easier. I still found it difficult to cry in front of people, but if they were trusted, then I could deal with it.
I feel that everyone that I know has seen my cry, be weak at least once now. Because everyone has seen me cry, I don't want to shoulder any of my burden on to anyone else. I want to be strong so badly, that maybe it is weakening me. Even as I write this, I still do not believe it myself.
I really miss my violin right now. People sometimes name their instruments, I personally don't. Maybe even weirder, I consider my violin to be alive in some way.
She has been in and out of her 'spa' for two weeks, and now she is better, I want her back again. I only just realised that she helps me through my darkest hours (when I ever practised). She doesn't mind if I cry. She's always there when I'm angry. I can shoulder so much of my burden on her, and in return, she makes me play beautifully, using all the emotions I have to make wonderful music, my therapy.
I neglected her, but I'll make it up. She is like a sister figure and a mother figure rolled into one. She does sound like my mum. Maybe in some weird way, some of mum's soul is in my violin. I probably sound crazy, but all the things that my violin does to help me, is what mum did herself.
My violin cannot completely heal me. I still need to talk to someone who knows how to deal with me. I still need to accept myself, and feel that I am worth something, but it's a good start.