Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

Drag and Lush- the best medicine there is.

So after a really rough start to the year, this week has been one of the most healing of weeks I could have.
I am on new drugs that do make me very numb and very spaced out. The only way I can describe to people who haven't been on these types of drugs, is that its like having emotional blinkers. Your body doesn't allow you to feel your emotions to the fullest, especially the bad ones. It also unfortunately gives you a bigger appetite. Not exactly great when you are trying to lose weight, and maintain the weight loss that I currently have at the moment. So I have decided to give myself a bit of a break. Not be very bad as such, but just ride the food storm through. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more, and really top up on the free foods, speed and protein.
So whilst on my first week of tablets, I had a night out already planned to go see Trinity Taylor and Aja from Ru Paul's Drag Race season 9. I am a major Trinity Taylor fan, and the minute I saw she was coming to the UK I jumped at the chance to get tickets, and get to meet her afterwards as well. So I bought two tickets assuming I would be able to find someone free to go with me.

Divina De Campo

Well that never happened. So I thought no, I am still going to go. I am not missing out on the opportunity to meet my queen. I also really needed to get away from everything for a night. Do things by myself.
In the end, I watched Judy at the Arts Theatre for the matinee (definitely go see it. Amazing show.) and then went back to my hotel to get ready to go back out. I could feel I was on the verge of a panic attack, so rung my best friend, who made sure I got my bum to the gig.
I am so glad I went. I was so anxious going by myself, but once I found the room it was all going on in, I was able to calm down and attempt to enjoy the evening.
Got to see Divina De Campo as our host to start with. Very quick on her feet with the crowd, and the voice. Heard her do Barcelona. Stunning. Was able to get really near the front for all three queens.
I always knew I was going to love Trinity. So nutty I loved it. Aja made me a fan that night. Her lipsyncing is stunning. I was just in awe the whole time.
Getting to meet them afterwards and getting Trinity to sign my merchandise was just the cherry on top of the cake. They were both so sweet and kind.
I was just so proud of myself that I was able to go by myself and rid myself of my demons for a night. I felt like my meet and greet was my reward.
I would definitely recommend going to a holy trannity run show as well. So well organised, and so well thought out as well. Every base had been covered. I would definitely go again, and do intend to if any of my favourite queens were local to me again.
The other part of my London trip was my spa treatment at King's Road Lush. I got some spa treatments when I used to work for the company, so it's nice that I get to use them after I have left. I have always heard such good things about the comforter, and I was able to get a last minute appointment. I don't believe in coincidence. It really felt beautiful to feel properly pampered. To feel completely calm (especially as I had a mild panic attack on the tube on my way there), and feel like I was in the right place at the right time. It gave me so much clarity of my present situation. Sometimes you really have to go through a rough patch to be able to learn from your mistakes; to learn what you will and won't accept, to realise how strong you truly are, to know that everything will be ok in the end. At the end of my treatment, my wonderful therapist actually random acted me. All you lush workers know how much that means. I will be going back there soon for my hard days night treatment, and can't wait to book it in.
After my treatment, I decided to go out for lunch before heading back home. I received a wonderful message from someone who went to the show after seeing my instagram post from the night before.
Random acts of kindness kept me going and persevering throughout the day. I didn't have a panic attack on the tube on the way back. It's the little things.
So I suppose in the end, I want you to know that words make such a difference in people's lives. Make sure they are good ones.

Getting last minute nerves, good news and good fashion!

It is crazy how the pageant has crept up on me, it's tomorrow!! I'm mostly very nervous now, because I have to do girly things like hair and make up. I am appalling at doing hair and make up. A part of me is wondering why the hell I even thought about entering the competition in the first place. The other half of me knows it's nerves talking. The reason I entered this in the first place was because I wanted to take myself out of my comfort zone, to try and help me get my fire and self confidence back. Obviously I want to win, but for me, it is the experience I am most looking forward to. I think that seeing other girls/women who are size 14+ might give me a realistic attitude  towards myself. I don't need to be skinny to feel attractive. It doesn't matter how many dress sizes I lose, it's how beautiful I feel on the inside.
My friends aren't able to make it unfortunately, but it'll also be a good way to show that I can rely on myself, and do things on my own.
On another happy note, my friend has got an interview for her doctorate! I'm so proud of her, she really deserves this opportunity, and I hope she gets it.

My favourite swimsuit I found on the site

On a more fashionista topic, being plus size I find it hard to find clothes, especially clothes that don't look like a potato sack. Yes, I have been losing weight, but I'm still not there yet!
I love all the vintage clothes, and I love the vintage look. It celebrates the curves on a woman's body, which is just non-existent in modern fashion. I have found an amazing american site- http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/ that sells beautful vintage clothes, that has a really decent plus size range, including swimsuits!
It is so difficult to buy a swimsuit that will fit you as a plus size girl (as I think fellow plusies will relate). Shops either think you have no boobs-very much not the case- or that we don't venture into the water.
The swimsuit range here is from extra small to 2x. That is rare. It really looks as if it gives decent support, which again is very rare to find. The specific plus size range of their clothes are also beautiful, showing that they understand a fuller figured woman. When lent finishes, you can guess what my wardrobe might be full of!
It is so nice to see a shop that really does cater for all, hooray! Now all we need is this in the UK. Fingers crossed the website will get a UK branch soon! x

Thank goodness for friends :)

On Sunday, I had a seriously stressful situation to deal with.
What really struck a chord with me was how amazing my friends were throughout it all.
Without sounding arrogant, I always like to think of myself as strong. I don't like asking for help, because for me I don't like to burden people with my issues, when they have more than enough of their own. It was as if they knew what to do straight away. They knew me well enough to get others to leave me alone, to basically plan my day, and just give me a hug when I needed it most, but didn't necessarily want to ask for one.
Ever since I came back home, I have been feeling really lonely. Most of my close friends were/are in Canterbury, and coming home, I felt slightly isolated. I talk to Jaymie every day, which helps so much more than she knows, but I needed friends my age who are actually in Portsmouth.
I only just realised how much I care for the church lot, and what a plank I am for not realising I didn't need to look for close friends, I had them in the first place. Maybe it's because we don't have to ask each other for help, we just give it without thinking.
Whatever the reason is, I know they will be there, and I hope that they know I will always be there for them :)