Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

What a Gaga Weekend!

Well this weekend has been amazing for me, as I have been to my very first live popular music concert, and watched Lady Gaga at the O2 arena in London!

With a nice dose of pointless :P

I have always liked Lady Gaga, so this has been a long time coming, after I couldn't get tickets for her last tour.
I was able to go with my best friend from uni who I haven't seen in a while, so it was brilliant to catch up with her and just have lots of fun :D
We obviously had to dress up, especially after seeing some of the brilliant outfits we saw people wearing for her tour so far. We weren't alone in dressing up, but equally we were in the minority, which was a shame, but hey ho.
What really did strike a chords though was how I didn't feel so nervous or self-conscious about this. I think it did help that I had my friend there with me, but I think partly I am just happier in myself.
I don't feel half as unwell as I used to, I am losing weight, and for the most part am starting to build my confidence.
The bit that I remember before the concert was when we were queuing up to get in. There were girls who dressed up as Where's Wally, (which was brilliant by the way) but otherwise it was just us.
I was starting to get a little self-conscious and nervous, when I noticed a family queuing with their children. The dad was staring at my outfit, I noticed him and smiled, and he gave me a friendly thumbs up. That was the moment I really felt at ease, because I think partly we all like to be accepted, and I realised no-one else really cared apart from me. These people didn't judge me, either on my outfit or my weight, and that was refreshing as well.
Maybe it is the fans of Lady Gaga. She really does have such a wide fan base, and she promotes acceptance in everything that she does, which I think feeds into her fans.
She was absolutely amazing, and did songs from all her albums, it was just such a brilliant show.
Here's hoping that acceptance becomes a part of everyone's lives, not just the few.

Letting some of the past go :)

So I'm back from Canterbury. It was strange, it felt half like I came home, but my anxiety, my stress shot straight back up just by being there. Canterbury felt like my home because I was around my friends. When they all leave though, Canterbury will just be a mis mash of good and bad memories. In a sense it reminds me of a friend's blog post- Star of the Reef- I am LEGEND and her time back in Canterbury. I didn't tackle nearly as much as she did, but I think I can start to close that chapter in the book, I can begin to move on.
The thing I was most proud of was when I saw the guy who tried to make my life hell. The minute I saw him, I was nervous, and my anxiety went into overdrive. I had no idea what to do, so I thought I would just smile at the whole group he was with. He was making Nazi signs, and it was at that moment I realised. Why the hell did I care? Why the hell should he be so important? And the last one- I am so much better than that. I laughed so much as soon as they passed, out of happiness, and wondering what all the fuss was about.
I hate to say it, but I see it in people who come here. They either thrive, or the city becomes poisonous. For me, it was poison. Coming home has got most of it out. I think I will always find Canterbury a difficult place to go back to, but this visit shows that I can go back on my terms, seeing the people I want to see, rather than individuals I don't want to see. If I see someone I dislike, I know I can deal with it.
On a slightly crappy note, I now have tonsillitis. I get like this when I am very busy. It has been a nice busy mainly, but it is definitely my body saying enough. I couldn't go out and enjoy the sun/go to pops today, go shopping/choir tomorrow, or work Friday and Saturday. I was also really looking forward to seeing people this week that I haven't seen in ages, (or feel like I haven't seen in ages). On the plus side, I have an excuse to eat ice cream, now I just need to convince my dad to buy some :D
 This had better go by Sunday. My church choir and a choral society are joining together for evensong, singing 'I was Glad' by Parry. It always reminds me of Cantata choir singing it at graduations, singing the second soprano part with Emma. One of the better memories of university for definite.
Well I think it's time for me to try and get better. Hope you have a great week. x

It's going well so far... :D

So I got into Canterbury at 4:30pm this afternoon, and within 30 minutes I was drinking a cocktail. Canterbury obviously has that effect on me! (In fairness, it was called a quiet Sunday..) As I didn't go to church this morning, I went to evensong in Canterbury. It has been the first time I have gone to Lutheran Vespers. I really enjoyed the fact that it didn't take Christian unity week, to bring together different denominations. I also found it very amusing that I got blanked by two people I used to know at that church. Now, I wasn't exactly expecting bunting and banners, but to be ignored in a church of all places? I find hilariously funny.

Being in Canterbury has made me realise many things. Firstly, I did have some amazing times here. I have some amazing friends here too. Secondly I really have started to mature since I left Canterbury. I don't get upset so much over the little things. I don't care that those two people flat out ignored me, because that would just ruin my mood, and frankly I have better things to do. Thirdly, I realised that I am so much happier now than what I was. Some of the friends I have seen today have said that I seem different. They said that I seem better. I really am. I only see it in myself when I'm back here. I feel so much calmer, more relaxed, and at peace.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I will be meeting friends for lunch, going to see my old violin teacher, having drinks and going to the Cuban. It all sounds very adult now. I'm sure that'll all change soon enough :P x

It's all been worth it :)

Today has been pretty darn productive- work in the morning, got home and had lunch, ordered lush retro goodies, rehearsal, and a fantastic concert! This week has been tiring, physically and mentally, but the end result tonight was pretty amazing!
We have had a guest conductor this week- Cristian Brancusi, working on Verdi- Overture “La Forza del Destino”, Gershwin- Rhapsody in blue, and Saint-Saens- Symphony No 3 “Organ Symphony”. The concert tonight was just amazing, and for me a great preliminary of what is to come of my university life. 
On the flip side, I will be heading to Canterbury for a couple of days tomorrow. It is going to feel pretty strange, as I have really made myself at home in Chichester, and it will be the first time I'll be there without being a student. 
It will be a great opportunity to meet with old friends, and to start making peace with the place. I need to start remembering all the good memories I had there, as well as the bad ones. These next couple of days will be making good memories with people I truly care about, and isn't that what life is all about?
I am really sad I won't be able to see them all in one go this time, but hopefully there will be other times. 
I also am really excited to go on tour to Guernsey with the Chi Uni Pops Orchestra. I have only ever been on tour once, and even then, I'm not sure if it really counted. I was seriously worried about the camping side (after a camping trip with my dad when I was 7 years old, and dad forgot to mention it was with a whole load of boy scouts. I promised myself I would never camp again.) Now that dad got me a pop up tent and a sleeping bag, I feel a lot better about the whole situation. Not sure how I will cope with having quick showers, but I'm sure I'll get there. I still haven't really thought about packing, but I'll sort it when I'm back from Canterbury. I'm sure it won't be the night before...
Anyhoo, I need some sleep. Night everyone, have a great week! x

Am I finally maturing...?!?

Today has been a weird mix, but mainly full of mature, adult things that needed to be done.
I was applying for jobs this morning, and I really am starting to feel disheartened. The jobs I found wouldn't give me an interview, and the others are hard for me to get to.
It definitely is hard for young people these days. We couldn't get a job at first, because we didn't have enough qualifications. Now that we have qualifications, we are over-qualified. We also have to fight against mature, experienced people who have lost their jobs.
There definitely is a plus side to this- I had my interview with Halfords today. After working for Lush, it felt quite weird to have a formal interview again! I thought it went quite well though, but who knows? I definitely tried my hardest, and that is all that I can do. Hopefully I get a phone call from them soon :)
In the evening I helped out at my old youth club, which is always really fun. I get to put the volunteering onto my CV, which is always a help, but I really do it for the kids. I always really enjoyed going to youth club at the end of the week, and I do feel that it is a nice way for me to give back. The kids are also really nice, and I think they see me as someone that they can talk to, but hopefully someone that they should respect. Without sounding arrogant, I think the kids enjoy it when I'm there too, and one of the parents said that their child only likes it when I'm there. It's quite daunting, but it helps keep me motivated to go and help.
I think children do pick up on whether people want to be there or not. Bless him, but I can tell that the leader has been coerced into running the youth club. The kids have no rapport with the leader, and they want to constantly do something, not just sit around and do nothing every other week. I am in the unique position that the kids do talk to me, and it is difficult, as I do agree that they want something to do, but it's not my place to say anything, as I know the response would be "well you run it then".

Typical picture of Boom and I.

On to lighter subjects eh!
I'm am so excited for tomorrow, firstly because I will be seeing Bethan, (aka BOOM buddy) and I haven't seen her in ages! Secondly, we are going to London, to see Nigel Kennedy play the four seasons. For me, he is the master of those works, and to hear it live is going to be EPIC.

It was great to chat to boom to sort out arrangements for tomorrow, but to also sort out where we're going to meet, what we're going to do, and working through all the underground closures, it is nice to sort out the nitty gritty details, rather than leaving the job to someone else. I even thought of going to see some exhibitions...scary eh! Knowing us though, I think we'll slip into our usual chatter about random crap and de-mature pretty quickly!
Fingers crossed we will, all this maturity from me is a bit freaky. x