The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

Rachel Update and new beginnings

A lot has happened since I first started this blog. A lot has happened since my last blog post. I was in a very low point in my life. I was lucky to have the support of a few close friends around me. I went to India. I became a new woman. I became an independent lover of life. I was happy just being by myself. I started to truly heal the wounds of 2017.
2018 has really truly been a year of new starts. I started working as a violin teacher, which has truly been a goal to use my degree to its full use. I went back to an old job that I absolutely loved. I started a new job. I realised that money definitely helps, but having a job that makes you happy is what matters. I have realised that I really am truly good at my jobs, because I actually enjoy what I am doing.
I went to Vietnam and Cambodia in August with my oldest friend. I feel so lucky to have had that experience. I feel so lucky to be able to explore my love of travelling. Vietnam and Cambodia also made me realise that you can have anxiety, yet still be really brave. Though I was a complete mess before I went with my anxiety. I am so proud to say that I was one of the bravest people on that trip. I completed the Chu Chi Tunnels. Only 3 out of 13 of us did it. I faced my fear of heights, and went to a Sky bar in Saigon. After the initial fear, I ended up really enjoying the evening. I wasn't going to let my fear stop me from doing it though. I also ate tarantula, scorpion, and cricket. It's like I did all my worrying before my holiday, so I could be completely free of it whilst I was there.
I have also got on to the property ladder. I am still trying to get everything sorted out, but I am getting there. I have been getting frustrated that it isn't organised yet. I want it to be perfect. I keep being told though that it really is one step at a time. It will be fine. I have also noticed that I have been starting to trust my own judgement when it comes to decisions in my house. I know what I want, and I just want to be able to see my vision through.
Another development is that I have a new man in my life. I am really happy that they are in my life, I am just getting used to being with someone who is in the forces. There is so much to try and learn and understand. The way I think is the more I understand, the more it helps the relationship.
He is away now for 7 weeks, and this is the longest time I have spent away from him so far. But not just away, without proper communication as well. I know that deployment is going to be much longer (more like 6 months), but I have found it a bit difficult. When you are with someone in the forces, partly having that reassurance from them really helps. In the end though, you really have to know for yourself that they care about you. Not just that, but that you care about yourself.
I try and look at the benefits. It gives me the freedom that I always crave. I get to truly enjoy being by myself in my flat. I get the time to myself to sort through everything in my own time. I get time to be with my friends.
I also had some brilliant advice from a friend who was in the army. It is better to make the most of what you have together, try to not worry about what could happen later, or if something could change. Life is short. Enjoy it!
I probably will end up writing in this blog more often now, as I have found being able to write down my thoughts has really helped. It may not be all the time, but I'm just going to use it to be able to just write down how I feel, and if other people in the same position want to connect and chat, please feel free! It would be great to talk to other people in the same situation!

What a Gaga Weekend!

Well this weekend has been amazing for me, as I have been to my very first live popular music concert, and watched Lady Gaga at the O2 arena in London!

With a nice dose of pointless :P

I have always liked Lady Gaga, so this has been a long time coming, after I couldn't get tickets for her last tour.
I was able to go with my best friend from uni who I haven't seen in a while, so it was brilliant to catch up with her and just have lots of fun :D
We obviously had to dress up, especially after seeing some of the brilliant outfits we saw people wearing for her tour so far. We weren't alone in dressing up, but equally we were in the minority, which was a shame, but hey ho.
What really did strike a chords though was how I didn't feel so nervous or self-conscious about this. I think it did help that I had my friend there with me, but I think partly I am just happier in myself.
I don't feel half as unwell as I used to, I am losing weight, and for the most part am starting to build my confidence.
The bit that I remember before the concert was when we were queuing up to get in. There were girls who dressed up as Where's Wally, (which was brilliant by the way) but otherwise it was just us.
I was starting to get a little self-conscious and nervous, when I noticed a family queuing with their children. The dad was staring at my outfit, I noticed him and smiled, and he gave me a friendly thumbs up. That was the moment I really felt at ease, because I think partly we all like to be accepted, and I realised no-one else really cared apart from me. These people didn't judge me, either on my outfit or my weight, and that was refreshing as well.
Maybe it is the fans of Lady Gaga. She really does have such a wide fan base, and she promotes acceptance in everything that she does, which I think feeds into her fans.
She was absolutely amazing, and did songs from all her albums, it was just such a brilliant show.
Here's hoping that acceptance becomes a part of everyone's lives, not just the few.

What you put up with

It is funny what you put up with for so long.

As you well know, I have been dealing with these tummy problems for ages, and am doing my food diary and a tummy diary, to try and find a pattern.

Looking through the diary, ready for Monday, has made me realise what I have put up with for so long!

Virtually every morning this week I have woken up feeling ill. Two out of the four days, I have felt unwell during the day. Only today, I have woken up feeling fine, and have had no negative tummy problems so far.

I think partly you only realise that you are unwell when you see the evidence with your own eyes, and how it affects you as a person. I think also hindsight is a wonderful thing. The times when I thought I was fine when I wasn't show up more, because you truly feel better physically and within yourself.

Not all bad eh :P

One of the times that really sticks with me was when I went to Corfu this year on holiday.

For the first day or two I felt ok, but as the week carried on, I was feeling really ill with my tummy, and as a knock-on effect was becoming quite irritable. Thankfully, my partner understood and helped me through.

Looking back, I was very unwell, but carried on; I was just determined to have a good time on holiday.

I think sometimes we forget the problems aren't just to do with health. The knock on effects can affect your loved ones as well.

I want to be able to be better for myself obviously, but also for my partner. He has been that support for quite a while, and when it is sorted it will never be forgotten.

So here's to all those who look after their loved ones, because truly, you are amazing! x

New year, New challenges

This is my first post of the new year, so I know it is a little late, but happy new year to you all!

2012 has been such a turbulent year, but worked out well in the end. In a sense, 2013 is going to be a harder year for me. I have to keep up the momentum that 2012 gave me. I think the best way though is just to see how every day comes and work it out from there. 

But down to the nitty gritty. What resolutions did you make this year? I have three new year's resolutions. The first, which I have resolved to do for the third year running is to learn how to drive. I have more of a chance of actually doing this one, as I am having driving lessons. The second one is to save money. I am appalling at saving money! The complete opposite to my other half, who has saved money all his life. My third and final resolution is to cook more. Ever since I got the new Nigel Slater book for Christmas, I have not stopped raving about him. I realised that good food is not hard to make. I find I don't worry so much about being healthy, because I am making the food from scratch, and changing recipes slightly for my needs. 

All in all, I seem to be resolving to be an adult. I think partly it is a good thing, as I cannot act like a child anymore, and there are more people in my life now that I have to think of now. What would really prove that I am an adult is sticking to my resolutions. 

Everyone can make a resolution, but it takes hard work to keep them. I think the saving money one will be the tough one for me, but the other two are very achievable. After I have finished my university work, I think that I will go back to the gym, but for now, I may start going to zumba once a week, just to keep me going at least. When life gets busy, something has to give, but maybe not completely. 

What I have done though this year, is have two of my wisdom teeth out. I seem to have created an anxiety over my teeth, and when I heard I had to have a wisdom tooth out, I couldn't believe how unlucky I was. However, I am very lucky to of met a good dentist, and got two on my left side out on Tuesday. He let me borrow his ipod to listen to some classical music, let my other half sit in and hold my hand, and didn't mind when I accidentally kept biting his thumb (oops!). He advised me on what food to eat, gave me an extraction kit with full instructions on do's and don'ts, and got a courtesy call the day after my procedure to see how I have been getting on. I feel very lucky to have him as my dentist. It also isn't as bad as I first thought it would be. It didn't feel fabulous for the first 5 odd hours after, but I didn't feel the pain as I thought it would, and I could chew my dinner, which was a relief. I am on day 3 now, and whilst the pain seems to be more persistent in coming through, it is not bad at all.

Whilst I still can't completely open my jaw still, and I probably have an infection, at least I did it.

I am proud of myself for getting through the first hurdle, now it is just the infection to fight.

I am sure I will get there in the end, and this is just one of many challenges I will face this year. What makes us stronger are the challenges we face, and how we deal with them.

This is just another challenge to face. x

Mother's day *groan*

It is officially Mother's day today. Not the most enjoyable days of the year for me, for obvious reasons. Weirdly enough, this year I found it harder; maybe because this will be the first year that I will be home for it. I have found that I haven't asked for help though, because I don't want to ruin other people's Mother's day by hanging out with me, when they have a Mother with them. Hopefully I won't have people come up and talk about my mum tomorrow, because I just don't like it. I have got to the end of my tether about the whole thing. I cannot try and please everyone else, whilst people don't think that they could be hurting my feelings, and/or angering me.
I have also been watching Whitney Houston's last interview: the one with Oprah in 2009, and one thing that really spoke out to me was her unwavering faith in God. There was one point in the interview, when she was talking about leaving Bobby Brown. She asked for the strength to leave him. It made me think of men. Firstly, it made me think of the man I like. Maybe instead of asking God what I shall do, even though I know the answer is to tell him how I feel (and not feeling like I have the courage or the strength to), I should really be asking God to give me strength to tell him. It also made me think of my last relationship I had. I can see now, (and I could see then too, if I'm being honest) that it wasn't a good relationship. It wasn't a relationship of equals. He didn't see me as his equal, and the balance of give and take was more me giving, him taking. I knew this fact, but I stayed with him, because I was just so happy to be in a relationship, and happy to not be alone. I know now that if something is not right, they need to go. I can't stay in a bad relationship, because it would stop me from finding a good relationship, with someone I deserve. It is just finding someone that you fit like a missing puzzle piece. You could meet the nicest man in the world, but if they don't fit, they don't fit.
I like to use this song to help me think about how I want my next relationship to be. Not that the man thinks I'm perfect, but that he can accept my faults, handle my baggage, and still think the world of me (and visa versa obviously). I also want my next relationship to be a bit like this, because I think I deserve to be loved, to have a man make the same effort for me as I would for him. I deserve it.
Whether that is another brick down from the wall, who knows? I just like the song :P x

Vivir la vida loca!

Yesterday was such a turning point, and such a positive day for me.
I was reading this book just to give a slight change from reading 'Wild swans', and it really changed my mindset when it came to men, and how I live my life.
I have always loved dancing, so this book really appealed to me. It showed me that a man should be deserving of me, as well as the other way round. I should not always accommodate men, that they have to work equally hard as I am prepared to work.
For me, it gives perspective. I deserve a man who will put me as a top priority, who will make the effort and treat me right.
I have always been the 'accommodater', the one who would sometimes make so much effort for the man, and get nothing in return. Looking back at my last relationship, I was so happy to be in a couple, ignoring all the warning signs of his bad behaviour towards me, because I was in a relationship. I have realised that it is better to be single, to be available for the right man, than put up with a bad relationship. To quote the book concerning finding the right guy:
'I walk down the street, I fall down a hole. It takes me forever to figure out how to climb out. I walk down the street, fall down a hole, this time I know how to get out. I walk down the street, I walk around the hole. Next time..I walk down a different street!'
I am walking down a different street now, one where a man has to deserve me to obtain me. Yes, I do make an effort, but I expect him to do the same. I will have a partnership of equals, not me being the submissive woman. In the same token, I will not put myself in that role. If a man tries to put me in that role, it's 'Sayōnara' and onto greener pastures.
In another way, the book has rekindled my wanting to travel. I want to see the world, I want to experience different cultures. It's not that I don't love England, I do! I think that not having a passport, (something I have also been sorting out) made me feel very constricted. I got some travel brochures for Cuba, so hopefully this will placate me until I have the money to go. My -slightly warped- thought process is that if I can save for a holiday, I won't be spending money, helping me save. It'll take me a good couple of years for me to save, which is the time I need to be the most frugal anyway.
I felt yesterday was going to be a positive day. I feel that today is going to be me putting things at rest. I'll be going to the gym, getting my last bits of lush goodies before the discount goes, and going to the tweenies meal.
In my way, I can put the lush job to rest, and keep the friends that I made in the process.
Now I've found my gorgeous shoes, (after some serious praying!) I can get ready to go out and enjoy the tweenies meal. I know that people will be moaning about something, but I have to stay out of it. I am determined to enjoy this meal!
 Time for me to do something with my day- have a good weekend! x

It's getting colder....

Autumn for me is one of my favourite times of year. It isn't too hot, you get to wear warmer, more earthy colours and clothes, and get to play with the leaves and the conkers. All Hallow's eve also falls in autumn, where you get to dress up and get free sweets! :D

Halloween is a very special time for this Palmer household, because this was the day my mum and dad got married, and it is also the day I would want to get married, with autumn leaves being my confetti. To me, it holds much greater significance. Mum died 2 years ago now, and it is always a nice day to remember her spirit being near us, guiding and protecting us.

Another occasion that I love is bonfire night. Getting to watch fireworks, playing (sensibly) with sparklers, sitting with loved ones around a bonfire, and wearing wellies! To me, this is an ultimate combination of all the things I have always loved since childhood.

One thing I am missing though this year is not having a partner/boyfriend to share it with. I am not desperate, nor do I need someone to make me happy, but it is nice to have that someone to cuddle, to be kept warm by the bonfire. It doesn't mean that I miss my ex, far from it! I just more so miss that company. 

All in all, autumn is the best. I think that most people don't really like autumn, and if they put the seasons of the year in order of preference, autumn would be last. 

Honestly though, I think people are missing out on beautiful scenery, wonderful knitted clothing, and the feeling of togetherness that autumn brings. 

So my advise? Put those wonderful knits on, get those wellies out, and start enjoying autumn :D