Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

Rachel Update and new beginnings

A lot has happened since I first started this blog. A lot has happened since my last blog post. I was in a very low point in my life. I was lucky to have the support of a few close friends around me. I went to India. I became a new woman. I became an independent lover of life. I was happy just being by myself. I started to truly heal the wounds of 2017.
2018 has really truly been a year of new starts. I started working as a violin teacher, which has truly been a goal to use my degree to its full use. I went back to an old job that I absolutely loved. I started a new job. I realised that money definitely helps, but having a job that makes you happy is what matters. I have realised that I really am truly good at my jobs, because I actually enjoy what I am doing.
I went to Vietnam and Cambodia in August with my oldest friend. I feel so lucky to have had that experience. I feel so lucky to be able to explore my love of travelling. Vietnam and Cambodia also made me realise that you can have anxiety, yet still be really brave. Though I was a complete mess before I went with my anxiety. I am so proud to say that I was one of the bravest people on that trip. I completed the Chu Chi Tunnels. Only 3 out of 13 of us did it. I faced my fear of heights, and went to a Sky bar in Saigon. After the initial fear, I ended up really enjoying the evening. I wasn't going to let my fear stop me from doing it though. I also ate tarantula, scorpion, and cricket. It's like I did all my worrying before my holiday, so I could be completely free of it whilst I was there.
I have also got on to the property ladder. I am still trying to get everything sorted out, but I am getting there. I have been getting frustrated that it isn't organised yet. I want it to be perfect. I keep being told though that it really is one step at a time. It will be fine. I have also noticed that I have been starting to trust my own judgement when it comes to decisions in my house. I know what I want, and I just want to be able to see my vision through.
Another development is that I have a new man in my life. I am really happy that they are in my life, I am just getting used to being with someone who is in the forces. There is so much to try and learn and understand. The way I think is the more I understand, the more it helps the relationship.
He is away now for 7 weeks, and this is the longest time I have spent away from him so far. But not just away, without proper communication as well. I know that deployment is going to be much longer (more like 6 months), but I have found it a bit difficult. When you are with someone in the forces, partly having that reassurance from them really helps. In the end though, you really have to know for yourself that they care about you. Not just that, but that you care about yourself.
I try and look at the benefits. It gives me the freedom that I always crave. I get to truly enjoy being by myself in my flat. I get the time to myself to sort through everything in my own time. I get time to be with my friends.
I also had some brilliant advice from a friend who was in the army. It is better to make the most of what you have together, try to not worry about what could happen later, or if something could change. Life is short. Enjoy it!
I probably will end up writing in this blog more often now, as I have found being able to write down my thoughts has really helped. It may not be all the time, but I'm just going to use it to be able to just write down how I feel, and if other people in the same position want to connect and chat, please feel free! It would be great to talk to other people in the same situation!