Life = BUSY

Well I have truly settled back into university, and the work now really starts.
I am in uni three times a week, back at the Post Office after my obligatory 3 weeks off, and started driving lessons. To add onto this I am in three Orchestra's, with one that I lead, with three concerts coming up, and potentially three tours this year as well.
Busy is an understatement. Strangely though, I seem to be much happier in myself because of it. Yes, it is very stressful (especially when you leave your violin in your dad's car one morning, and forget to email yourself your orchestration...) but I have such a great support system in place, especially my other half, who supports me every step of the way. I seem to really fit in with everyone here, and I have really immersed myself in the work that has been given to me.
I enjoy practicing, and I feel so much more confident in my skills as a violinist.
On the down-side, I have not had the opportunity, or frankly the time to get to the gym. That in a sense does affect your self confidence, especially when you have to give your dress size for a dress to be made for you. I have less time to eat well, and it is so difficult to balance that out. That is the life of a musician. I will be starting to make a concerted effort to get back to the gym, and to maintain healthy choices. When I have free days/evenings, I will start to cook my own food again, to do my own food shopping, and to build my mental strength against bad food choices. Instead of having chinese with the boyfriend when we have dinner, I could cook. There is always a way around problems.
I am learning though that everything comes in time. Something will always fall on the wayside, but in time, I will learn how to balance my life. I won't always be able to keep on top of everything, but perseverance is the key to most problems.
So keep going, because life is a one way street. x

A new slate

This week I have started my first week at Chichester University. It has admittedly been confusing at some times, but I am so excited to get stuck in, to work hard, and get back to my main passion!
What has really stood out has been everyone being helpful, friendly and supportive. It's nice to know that you have people that will give you a helping hand along the way. I think I was lucky that I was able to invade a year early, as it meant people already knew my face, and wasn't so much of a shock when I came bouncing into their lectures ;D
The only peculiar part of it is the fact I'm only needed at uni on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Going from full time at the Post Office, where I was working as many hours as possible, 3 days a week doesn't seem much. It is just reminding yourself that the time is supposed to be used for practice and ensembles. I think Music is one of those degrees where you do have to have a serious amount of self discipline, and motivation to be able to do well. I am excited to be able to develop these skills.
The other exciting bit of news is that I have got to the finals of Miss Real Girl 2013! (2013 Finalists) Considering that the amount of applicants for this pageant last year was 100-200, I feel extremely honoured to of got to the finals this year coming. What a difference it makes from last year, when my self confidence and self worth was at an all time low, where I was dealing with Canterbury/uni issues, and a couple of months ago I had another dip in my confidence, it's good to be able to be proud of myself again. I am very grateful to of gone into Miss British Beauty Curve this year, because it showed me that there are so many other curvy, beautiful women out there, and I can be one of them. This year coming, I'm going in with a different attitude. Ever since I went to Southsea Fashion Week, it has driven me to want to see women of all shapes and sizes on the catwalk. I want people to see that they will be represented, whatever your body type. I am not going in just for myself anymore. I am going in to prove one point. We are all beautiful.
On a different note that sums it all up, I went into Lush today, to get get some little things, and did the emotional brilliance wheel. The first thing it said was that I was happy. In all honesty, I don't think I have been so happy in quite a while. My professional career is back on track, I have gained confidence in myself, my personal life is good, got to another pageant final, and have a good support system, holding my hand every step of the way.
So my message is to trust yourself, because it will all come out right in the end. x

Onwards and Upwards!

For a little while, I have been trying to sort out my entry year into university. Yesterday I got a breakthrough, and got the entry level and the course I wanted! For me this is a big sigh of relief- I don't need to worry about my academic future, being one less thing to worry about. 

I can now prepare for university life: apply for the student loan, try to work out my timetable, get practising, and sort my work life around uni. This time I can apply myself, not worrying about whether I am being sociable enough, and whether people like me. I obviously don't want everyone to hate me, but living at home, and being a little bit older, I won't be in the department 24/7 to do everything, and won't be involved in the politics of the department.

Invading a year early has really helped me get the feel of the department and how it is run. I also have had a chance to get to know some of the people that are there. Going straight into third year will mean that these people would of already made their friendship groups. It can make life a lot harder, especially if you all need to work together. Having that year would mean I feel more comfortable, especially the Guernsey trip, because it means I already know people, and hopefully won't be afraid to come up and talk to me, and visa versa.

I am now incredibly excited, and ready to get my teeth into this year. This is my last chance saloon. I will push myself as far as I need to to get these results, and be able to say I have a degree with honours. To give those Canterbury people who doubt(ed) me the proverbial finger. To show them the amazing opportunities that I have been given, and the opportunities I hope to get in the future. A step back is sometimes what you need to move forward.

Now to sort out the rest of my life! ;p x

Getting the balance right

I have not long got back home from the Pops concert (as well as wind band and big band). Harder than the sci-fi music, but still fun to play some popular music scores once in a while between all the classical music.

I am really feeling it after three nights in a row of playing/singing, and will definitely be looking forward to an early night on Saturday, but I have to get used to it for my profession, as I either want to be in an orchestra, or in the pits when I leave university. Musicians generally have evening work, so it's a good routine to get into for the future. 

The transcripts have also got to the uni today, so that is another step in the right direction for university (hopefully) in September. I think that if I work well, then I hopefully will be able to get near the front desks for the orchestras next year (there are going to be five!!). I think also in September, I can feel more a part of the orchestra's as well. It is nothing against the students, they are lovely, and very welcoming, but because I feel like I'm intruding on them all, I find I become quite shy. To say this isn't in my character is an understatement! I think because I'm not a student at the uni at the moment, I feel like I don't deserve the opportunity of being in their orchestra's. I think also that because of my bad experience with a few bitchy, nasty people at Canterbury, it has made me withdraw slightly from people at Chi. Hopefully they don't perceive me as an arrogant arse! I think also I feel that because people already have their friendship groups, I don't want to get in the way of that, and I don't want to seem like the one desperate for friends. It does make me come across as standoffish, but it's just getting that balance right. Yes, I can have a good giggle, and I do love a good chinwag, but in the same token, I am there to rehearse/work, and not there 'for the experience'. I did that three years ago, and it got me nowhere. I know now that I gotta get my head down and work hard, and I can let off some steam, occasionally though, rather than every Friday night :P

Left to Right:
Me, Jaymie, Megan and Phil

Bring on symphony, and a lie in please! x

P.S I know it's technically the next day, but Happy Birthday to my Brummy lovely Jaymie!

Really Canterbury?!?

This weekend has been a weird mix. Today I got to hang out with some of the youngun's from church- it really does make a difference to be able to be with people of the same age who are Christian. The church I go to is lovely, but I do prefer to be with people my own age if I can, as I can be a young adult again. When people have known you since you were 4, I think they find it hard to treat you the age you are.

Yesterday was pretty awesome. I got to see one of my really good friend's from uni, we went to Camden, and watched Nigel Kennedy. 

I had never been to Camden before, so for me it was really fun to experience that part of London. When you go into the markets, it genuinely feels as if you are in a different country. Nigel Kennedy was also amazing! He completely re-vamped the four seasons, using all his influences of jazz, improvisation, and polish music to make it his own. 

The other side of this weekend was finding that some people in Canterbury STILL bitch about me, even though I have gone. REALLY??? Do they really have nothing else to do in their lives but bitch about people? People who have already gone? About topics which are personal, like graduating at the same time as their year? 

Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit it, but it did upset me a bit. The other side of me? I pity them. Their lives must be so unsatisfying that they have to talk about mine (they don't even see me anymore.). Bringing other people down is normally a sign of some insecurity in themselves.

Some people in Canterbury need to get their heads out of their arses. When you get out of university, you are going to be nothing, and if you behave in the outside world like they are at university now, you will get chucked out and blackballed. Simple. 

It has definitely proved that I was wise enough to of stayed home. I don't think that I could of coped being in that environment for another year. Chichester is bigger, which means I don't really need to talk to people very much (if I don't want to talk to them), my personal issues are mine again, the students get taught by teachers who teach at Conservatoires, and one of their main rules is no bitching.

I think Canterbury music dep staff (and the bitching students) need to learn a thing or two. I can't wait to school them for the choir festival next year! ;) x

It's going to be a hard day....

Today is graduation day. All of my class will be graduating, and I'm in Portsmouth. Doing nothing. I thought that because I got paid today, I would go out shopping to forget about it. If my suspicions are correct, I can't afford to buy anything. I can't go out yet, as the plumber/central heating guy is here, and all those photos of everyone's graduations will be thrown onto facebook. I'm feeling a bit miserable to say the least.
For the first time in history, I am going to ban myself from facebook for a day. It will stop me seeing so much graduation stuff. The pictures won't come for a while, and I'll probably be bombarded by them when I next go on, but it can't be helped. People deserve to put their achievements on facebook if they so choose.
I have to find something to do. Maybe I should of gone to Wales today with dad and daniel. I might do a bit of violin practice, (say hello to the old girl ;) ) go to the gym, sort out banking crap.
I know I will get through this, because in a couple of months I will have my graduation, (if Canterbury ever get their act together!) and I will be making a new start at Chichester. I will be working hard, and when I graduate, I will deserve the degree that I want.
All will be fine. It doesn't mean that it isn't difficult now.

I wish the rest of my class a wonderful graduation, and if you need me for something, ring me as I won't be on facebook! x

It's the little things...

Today, and the last couple of days have been giving me new opportunities by the minute!
I found out at student loans that both my years at Chichester uni will be fully funded, which is a good weight taken off my mind.
I got back to the gym yesterday. Big achievement for me, as I have recently neglected the gym. It felt even better to of gone to the gym with Abi today- it's good to have someone there beside you, quietly pushing you on. (Thank you for all those people who have helped get my sorry arse to the gym :D )
I've been talking with my advisor, and been given some real help as to how to deal with my panic moments, and to release some of the tension building up.
I have work tomorrow, which I always enjoy, and the time I can test my panic theories. I get paid on Friday, and cannot wait to get monies, get my ticket to the cascades partay and let loose!
Slowly, my life is turning back into the positive times in September.
I also had a good facebook clear out. Getting rid of those friends of whom I will never speak to, (but wish the best obviously) and those complete dicks that I didn't get rid of soon enough. This feels like a clean slate, getting rid of some of the negativity, and replacing it with hope.
These little things probably seem insignificant, but these little things will make a good impact on my mood, on my outlook of things, which is very important at the moment.
Hooray for the little things :D x

I somehow have a degree...

I saw my post from Canterbury CCU and thought that I have got my HE Dip through the post. I open my mail and find I have a Bachelor of Music degree!
This has just made my life VERY confusing! I really want to go to Chichester University next year. It has such a good music department, with so many wonderful people (WAY less bitchy than Canterbury!). I now have so many doubts. Now that I have my degree, I feel it is very cheeky of me to do two years of a BA (music) course. What I want is to have a degree with honours. It is again going to be a very tough decision for me.
I think what frustrates me most is that I had everything sorted out, and then suddenly it's made everything up in the air again.
I also think that Canterbury have treated me extremely poorly throughout the whole situation. I have had no help or support. These people then assumed that I would be coming back, (hell no) and then when they found out I was withdrawing, I had to then prompt them to give me my HE Dip. It took an absolute age for a start, and I had no warning that I was to get a degree at all.
In hindsight, they have not given me any support at all throughout my degree. My mum and nan died, and all I got was tip-toed around, and had my personal details spread around the department.
At least I know I made the right decision to withdraw from Canterbury. I suppose that's a plus, right??x

First rehearsal...

Today I had my first rehearsal with the Chichester University Symphony Orchestra. I was so incredibly nervous yesterday. I found out that Crispin, our conductor, has worked with Menuhin and Bernstein, and had a stress attack/ panic attack/ hyperactive moment for about half an hour afterwards :p
This morning though, I felt so calm and at ease thank goodness. I took my place at the back of the first violin's, (I didn't want to seem up myself) got introduced to the leader, who then made me sit at the front desk with him! Definitely an interesting start to the orchestra, but very fun as well. It made me focus, be determined, and play to a higher standard. When Phil (the leader) started asking me questions, and said I was good, it was such an honour to be complimented by such an amazing violinist as him :)
I also really enjoyed playing as part of the viola concerto as well. It was really nice of Phil to say that I could play in the smaller string section, though I was a bit worried by what the others thought of it.
It is so difficult to gauge how people are going to react to you. You don't want to come off as being a know-all, but equally you don't want to be known as a weak musician. It is also difficult to work out your boundaries in an orchestral setting, and whether your opinion should be heard, and how the leader reacts to comments, etc. For me personally, I wanted to keep my head down and get on with it. It isn't my place to say anything, I don't know how the orchestra works. I also don't think I know anything compared to Crispin. If you have worked with the calibre of people he has, you know your stuff.
Today was another example of how Chichester is giving me better opportunities. The level of playing is high, the conductor has worked with legends, and the leader likes my playing.
All in all, I think I've had a rather successful day :D

Having a wobble...

On Friday I was having a real wobble about my decision to have a gap year, and then go back into second year of Chichester university.
When I was talking to one of my good friends, Nina, and her telling me about how good Canterbury was that made me think. It was also the point when she said that people didn't actually hate me either, (which I always thought they did) that made me have a wobble.
The thought died the next day, but it also made me realise a couple of things. I could start to make peace with Canterbury and the atmosphere that was there. I could go back to Canterbury for visits, and I can pick and choose who I want to see when I am there, something I couldn't do when I was studying. I also realised that I cannot pick a university based on where my friends are.

Hopefully, this is a good sign of me growing up, and reminding myself of the good times I had in Canterbury, and distinguishing good memories and people, with good opportunities. x

What a difference a week makes!

Last week, as shown from my last post, I was in such a negative frame of mind, and went really far down in the dumps.
This week? Had an interview with Chi uni, who will allow me to join them at second year, and in the meantime, have let me join both pops and the symphony orchestra!
Had my Lush interview, and have a trial shift, and if I do well, I'm straight on the payroll!
I have an appointment to get a new passport, which means my provisional and crb check will be a lot easier to do.
I feel so motivated to practice, (which I haven't felt for a long time) and I feel for the first time in a couple of years, that I am moving in the right direction. I needed the down to realise the up. God has given me strength to move on to the right path.
Life is moving forward :)