Coping with Mental Health

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas. My anxiety was back with heated avengence. This followed after I lost my job with severe depression. I got put on tablets to help, but they gave me bad headaches. I then got put on other tablets. They are starting to work. I'm being referred for high intensity CBT.
One of the best things though would have to be my best friend coming to see me this weekend. It was so refreshing. I got to show the work I have done to my flat, got the travel frames up, went to the cinema, had a girly night. Honestly one of the best weekends I have had in a while.
If you ever don't know what to do when your friend has mental health issues going on, do that. It is a blessing.

Also something that has really helped is to have a proper pamper. I have cleansed, toned, face mask, moisturised. I have had a bath with a bath bomb, salts, body scrub and body lotion. I feel so much calmer and relaxed. Giving yourself a pamper is definitely good for the soul. You are worth spending time over.
Whilst I am no closer to finding a job, I feel more positive. I have wonderful friends who care about me. I feel beautiful by spending time on myself. My sailor will be back in 5 days.
Life will get easier.

Drag and Lush- the best medicine there is.

So after a really rough start to the year, this week has been one of the most healing of weeks I could have.
I am on new drugs that do make me very numb and very spaced out. The only way I can describe to people who haven't been on these types of drugs, is that its like having emotional blinkers. Your body doesn't allow you to feel your emotions to the fullest, especially the bad ones. It also unfortunately gives you a bigger appetite. Not exactly great when you are trying to lose weight, and maintain the weight loss that I currently have at the moment. So I have decided to give myself a bit of a break. Not be very bad as such, but just ride the food storm through. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more, and really top up on the free foods, speed and protein.
So whilst on my first week of tablets, I had a night out already planned to go see Trinity Taylor and Aja from Ru Paul's Drag Race season 9. I am a major Trinity Taylor fan, and the minute I saw she was coming to the UK I jumped at the chance to get tickets, and get to meet her afterwards as well. So I bought two tickets assuming I would be able to find someone free to go with me.

Divina De Campo

Well that never happened. So I thought no, I am still going to go. I am not missing out on the opportunity to meet my queen. I also really needed to get away from everything for a night. Do things by myself.
In the end, I watched Judy at the Arts Theatre for the matinee (definitely go see it. Amazing show.) and then went back to my hotel to get ready to go back out. I could feel I was on the verge of a panic attack, so rung my best friend, who made sure I got my bum to the gig.
I am so glad I went. I was so anxious going by myself, but once I found the room it was all going on in, I was able to calm down and attempt to enjoy the evening.
Got to see Divina De Campo as our host to start with. Very quick on her feet with the crowd, and the voice. Heard her do Barcelona. Stunning. Was able to get really near the front for all three queens.
I always knew I was going to love Trinity. So nutty I loved it. Aja made me a fan that night. Her lipsyncing is stunning. I was just in awe the whole time.
Getting to meet them afterwards and getting Trinity to sign my merchandise was just the cherry on top of the cake. They were both so sweet and kind.
I was just so proud of myself that I was able to go by myself and rid myself of my demons for a night. I felt like my meet and greet was my reward.
I would definitely recommend going to a holy trannity run show as well. So well organised, and so well thought out as well. Every base had been covered. I would definitely go again, and do intend to if any of my favourite queens were local to me again.
The other part of my London trip was my spa treatment at King's Road Lush. I got some spa treatments when I used to work for the company, so it's nice that I get to use them after I have left. I have always heard such good things about the comforter, and I was able to get a last minute appointment. I don't believe in coincidence. It really felt beautiful to feel properly pampered. To feel completely calm (especially as I had a mild panic attack on the tube on my way there), and feel like I was in the right place at the right time. It gave me so much clarity of my present situation. Sometimes you really have to go through a rough patch to be able to learn from your mistakes; to learn what you will and won't accept, to realise how strong you truly are, to know that everything will be ok in the end. At the end of my treatment, my wonderful therapist actually random acted me. All you lush workers know how much that means. I will be going back there soon for my hard days night treatment, and can't wait to book it in.
After my treatment, I decided to go out for lunch before heading back home. I received a wonderful message from someone who went to the show after seeing my instagram post from the night before.
Random acts of kindness kept me going and persevering throughout the day. I didn't have a panic attack on the tube on the way back. It's the little things.
So I suppose in the end, I want you to know that words make such a difference in people's lives. Make sure they are good ones.

Pump it Louder!

I know I haven't been blogging for a bit, sorry, unfortunately it has been rather stressful, so have found getting to the computer hard.
Because of this, I did have a gain when I went to see Katie last. I think when things get stressful I eat more, not helpful when you are trying to be healthy. A very hard habit to break, but I am just trying to treat myself in different ways. Basically any old excuse to buy myself a lush bath bomb ;)

Workout Selfie!

This morning I went to my first BodyPump class, which is a strength class using weights. I was welcomed into the class by a wonderful lady who saw I was new, and helped me through everything.
She hadn't long started herself, and could empathise. It is a bit daunting at first, but once you get the hang of it, you are off! Definitely a fun way to do weight training, with the music banging out, an instructor to show you how to do it, and everyone else doing it with you. A class you take at your own pace, I intend to go back to it this Saturday coming before concert rehearsals.
I have the bug!
Also after feeling a bit low this morning, it is so true that exercise really does lift your spirits. I was soaring when I got out of the class, full of pride.
The instructor said she was pleasantly surprised at my body awareness on my first class, which was a real bonus, knowing that I was doing the moves correctly, much more important than the weights you put on.
The fighting spirit is back, here I go!

Good news and Experimentation

Went to see Katie today, and feel very proud that I only gained 2 pounds over the whole Christmas period! I have also had an epiphany whilst watching the hairy bikers/dieters last night. It felt so nice to see others who had the same problems with food, but found a fab way of being clever with their food choices. It really has given me the motivation to up my game, and keep going with the hard work.
One of my favourite recipes from yesterday was the lasagne. Instead of using pasta sheets, they used leeks! It is ingenious ideas like that I need, so that I can still enjoy food and not feel like I'm missing out.
I got given a brilliant book for Christmas, giving me brilliant inspiration for new healthy, yet tasty recipes.
As I have the week off, I thought I had might as well try out some recipes whilst I have the free time to.
I am getting the whole family involved (including my Mr. Fussy :P), and hopefully they will like the recipes too. For me, I find getting everyone involved gives you the support you need when you are feeling low, frustrated, or craving certain foods.

This was dad's portion, so there
was more couscous

Tonight, I made sticky chicken with mango couscous. Really easy recipe, and nice and quick. Handy if you don't have much time to prepare a dish. It could also be altered in different ways to bring variety.
Not sure what to try for the rest of the week, but I'm sure I will find some more brilliant ideas from the book, online, and from family and friends.
If you have any ideas, let me know! x

Slowing Down a Bit

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not blogging this earlier. I have been rather ill since Monday, still not quite 100%, but a lot better than what I was :)

I had my weigh in with Katie, and have lost another pound, which I am very happy about. It may seem only small, but they say that actually you are more likely to keep the weight off when it is slow and steady weight loss.

I am so near that stone loss now, I could smell it, and after I feel better, I will get back on the horse. 

Not that I am doing awful, but I find my resistance against ice cream and chocolate is not so good.

Proving I can still pose whilst ill.

I have been advised to stay off the bread still, and start having more pasta in my diet. I think this is to try to rule out things like wheat and gluten from being problem areas. I have had pasta for both lunch and dinner, as I didn't have time for breakfast, after my cold routine this morning. I have always believed in natural remedies to be the main cure for problems, so I have been steaming with Olbas oil, and drinking and hot honey and lemon water. 

Health wise though, I definitely think that stress is a big factor to me being ill at the moment. I have let a lot of little things really bother me at the moment, and I think it has built up to me getting myself ill. At least I am slowing down a bit more, and listening to my body. Will be back at Zumba next week, I promise!

By Jove, I think we've got it!

Well I have been without bread for a week, and on the most part feel so much better for it!
It has definitely cheered me up no end, knowing that I have found the main source of the problem.
Friday I might have accidentally had breadcrumbs without realising. I had falafel, and whilst it didn't say anything about breadcrumbs, I wonder whether it was in there, because after I felt very ill. It probably didn't help I did a Fab Ab class the day before, so mixed with muscle ache and bad tummy I was not a happy bunny to say the least. To know long term that it looks like bread means I can move forward, turn a page, and get back to the weight loss thing.
I have definitely found lunchtime the hardest when it comes to no bread. I have pretty much been living on soup and sushi and the odd salad, which I love, but if people have any other suggestions that would really help!
This past week I have been feeling a bit strange, as my partner's family, as well as mine eat bread a lot! This morning though, I was talking to a friend of mine, and she says she is exactly the same! I am not alone! Her issue is with the preservatives that they put inside the bread here in the UK.
Depending on what Katie thinks of the results, I might see how much effort it is to start making my own bread. Not all the time, but maybe occasionally as a treat.
We will see on Tuesday. x

A Step in the Right Direction

Well, I had my weigh in today. Was quite nervous, because of the gain last week.
The weight I gained last week is back off! A good step in the right direction :)
I also showed Katie my food diary, and from the looks of things, it could be bread being my main foe tummy wise. This week I am not going to eat bread, and then if I feel better, introduce it slowly, and see if it has any effects.
Fingers crossed it is bread, and I can adjust my foods and go from there. Hopefully it is that simple.
One thing we did touch on today was that stress does have an effect on weight loss.
If I get stressed, I find it has a negative effect on my eating, especially what I eat.
I do wonder though whether stress does have a negative effect on your health as well. I always thought that when people said these things that it was a load of baloney. Thinking about it now though has me thinking: what if they were right?
When I think about it, when you are stressed, we know that it increases things like your blood pressure. Why wouldn't it affect the rest of your body?
This week I am going to try and take it easy, and see whether that also has an effect on my tummy. It might not, but it'll at least help my blood pressure!
It should still have a positive effect on my attitude and my mood. I think sometimes I need to learn to not let things get to me. Those things I can't change shouldn't get me so down or stressed. You can only control your actions, so just make sure that those are good ones.

What you put up with

It is funny what you put up with for so long.

As you well know, I have been dealing with these tummy problems for ages, and am doing my food diary and a tummy diary, to try and find a pattern.

Looking through the diary, ready for Monday, has made me realise what I have put up with for so long!

Virtually every morning this week I have woken up feeling ill. Two out of the four days, I have felt unwell during the day. Only today, I have woken up feeling fine, and have had no negative tummy problems so far.

I think partly you only realise that you are unwell when you see the evidence with your own eyes, and how it affects you as a person. I think also hindsight is a wonderful thing. The times when I thought I was fine when I wasn't show up more, because you truly feel better physically and within yourself.

Not all bad eh :P

One of the times that really sticks with me was when I went to Corfu this year on holiday.

For the first day or two I felt ok, but as the week carried on, I was feeling really ill with my tummy, and as a knock-on effect was becoming quite irritable. Thankfully, my partner understood and helped me through.

Looking back, I was very unwell, but carried on; I was just determined to have a good time on holiday.

I think sometimes we forget the problems aren't just to do with health. The knock on effects can affect your loved ones as well.

I want to be able to be better for myself obviously, but also for my partner. He has been that support for quite a while, and when it is sorted it will never be forgotten.

So here's to all those who look after their loved ones, because truly, you are amazing! x

The Lemon Drizzle Cake Theory

Well, today has been one of those days.
One of the ladies brought in a wonderful lemon drizzle cake, and after I resisted the ginger biscuits yesterday, could not quite resist a slice, especially when everyone else was enjoying it. (Thank you Kirsty, it tasted yummy :) )
I think temptation is one of those things- what is one person's temptation, isn't another person's. I think also resisting is a technique you get better at with time. If you are used to saying 'yes' to all that food then it is harder to resist, but the more you get used to saying no, the easier it becomes. Now I am not saying that I say no to everything, as the drizzle cake shows, but I am learning to be a bit more picky in the treats I have. It is a long process, and in time, I might even say no to cake more often, but my thought is that denying yourself of everything just makes you want it more. Having that little amount of something you really enjoy isn't a bad thing.
Obviously though, my stomach thought something was a bad thing today! I have been trying to swap my lunch and dinner sizes around to try and help my metabolism and my digestion. As I had an hour lunch, I thought I'd go out and have a main meal- within 20 minutes of finishing, I felt absolutely appalling, and after my evening tea as well. The problems don't bother me so much though, because I know when Katie sees my food diary, it should be another piece of the puzzle.

Feeling proud in my shirt:)

After all these problems with my stomach, I wanted to see the positives of everything going on with my body. I had this work shirt which I liked, but didn't wear often because it was tight around my boobs and waist. I tried it on this evening, and had no trouble at all! It makes me feel so proud of the work I have been putting in to change my lifestyle and feel healthier, inside and out.
So tomorrow, I will be wearing my shirt with pride, knowing that I can do it :)

Catching up and being a loser again

It really has been too long since I have blogged, so will fill you in!

-I now have my degree in music (II:i), which I am very proud of, and have made some brilliant music friends/contacts in the process.

-I have a full driving licence, making life sooo much easier!

-Went on holiday with my Dad and brother to Turkey (

-And of course, that Ice Bucket Challenge!

My biggest change though, has been quite recent. I have been seeing two ladies at my doctors regarding my weight. This was after I had a bad run in with my doctor, who decides that every problem I have is because I am fat, and my boyfriend (who she has never met) is a feeder who "likes to keep his chubby girlfriend chubby".

Not very nice.

The girls who have been helping me, Chloe, and now Katie, have been the complete opposite- supportive, caring and give me good tips foodwise. They have made me keep a food diary, which I recommend to everyone, because you don't truly realise what you eat until you write it down!

After about 2 months(ish) I have lost 10 lbs, and feel so proud of myself!

I am quite nervous about my weigh in tomorrow though- went out to eat with the work girls last Friday, went away for the weekend, and had a takeaway this Friday, so not my healthiest, hopefully going back to Zumba after the summer break, with a fair amount of walking helped to combat that. Either way, I am starting to feel better with myself, and happier, and lucky to have my loved ones there supporting me every step of the way.

My next goal is to feel better about the seatbelt on a plane. It seems a bit of a strange goal to have, but I feel I really need to believe in myself more, and believe what the scales are telling me. 

I had such a panic when I went away on holiday last time about the seatbelt fitting, I couldn't really properly get excited about the flight and the trip for worrying about the seatbelt. 

My next trip away is to Berlin in December for the Christmas markets, and don't want to feel like that again. I'm enough of a worrywort as it is!

Also, I don't want to ruin my friends' trip with me harping on about the seatbelt of all things.

Hopefully we'll be too excited by the markets, and the Christmas atmosphere :D

Who wouldn't be excited to drink mulled wine/hot chocolate and go shopping???

So here goes..!

Damn you tonsillitis.

This week since I got tonsillitis I have been staying away from people, so that I don't pass it on to anyone else. I have missed out on the sun, eating proper food, seeing people I care about, the plans I missed, and potentially the plans I made for the rest of this week and the next. Being ill gets kinda lonely. It also makes you feel like you are being left behind. Everything grinds to a halt, and you feel separated from the people around you. 

For me at the moment, it isn't a good thing. My mood has dropped considerably. I find it very hard to ask for help or comfort, and it seems so selfish to ask a friend to text, or message me to cheer me up. I am instead using my two passions to cheer me up: reading, and music.

Yes, I still feel down in the dumps, but I could feel a lot worse. This way, I don't have to lean on others to get through the little things, and I can just ride it out.

For the rest of you, enjoy the silence for the next couple of days :P x

Letting some of the past go :)

So I'm back from Canterbury. It was strange, it felt half like I came home, but my anxiety, my stress shot straight back up just by being there. Canterbury felt like my home because I was around my friends. When they all leave though, Canterbury will just be a mis mash of good and bad memories. In a sense it reminds me of a friend's blog post- Star of the Reef- I am LEGEND and her time back in Canterbury. I didn't tackle nearly as much as she did, but I think I can start to close that chapter in the book, I can begin to move on.
The thing I was most proud of was when I saw the guy who tried to make my life hell. The minute I saw him, I was nervous, and my anxiety went into overdrive. I had no idea what to do, so I thought I would just smile at the whole group he was with. He was making Nazi signs, and it was at that moment I realised. Why the hell did I care? Why the hell should he be so important? And the last one- I am so much better than that. I laughed so much as soon as they passed, out of happiness, and wondering what all the fuss was about.
I hate to say it, but I see it in people who come here. They either thrive, or the city becomes poisonous. For me, it was poison. Coming home has got most of it out. I think I will always find Canterbury a difficult place to go back to, but this visit shows that I can go back on my terms, seeing the people I want to see, rather than individuals I don't want to see. If I see someone I dislike, I know I can deal with it.
On a slightly crappy note, I now have tonsillitis. I get like this when I am very busy. It has been a nice busy mainly, but it is definitely my body saying enough. I couldn't go out and enjoy the sun/go to pops today, go shopping/choir tomorrow, or work Friday and Saturday. I was also really looking forward to seeing people this week that I haven't seen in ages, (or feel like I haven't seen in ages). On the plus side, I have an excuse to eat ice cream, now I just need to convince my dad to buy some :D
 This had better go by Sunday. My church choir and a choral society are joining together for evensong, singing 'I was Glad' by Parry. It always reminds me of Cantata choir singing it at graduations, singing the second soprano part with Emma. One of the better memories of university for definite.
Well I think it's time for me to try and get better. Hope you have a great week. x

Surviving Lent Group :)

This is how I see Mary, strong, yet
somehow gentle

I had the lent group that I lead on Mary yesterday. I think it went quite well, and I just hope that the tweenies enjoyed it. I did my quiz on 10 things that you might not know about Mary, and I wanted to tackle different perceptions on Mary. Mary was such an important woman, and most pictures show her as a gentle, obedient mother. I think it would be unfair to Mary to class her as just a mother, because no woman is defined by the amount of children they have.
She was strong, loyal, and had unmovable faith. She didn't know for certain that Joseph would take her as his wife after Gabriel's message. She was put in serious danger of being stoned to death, but she put her immeasurable faith in God, and it worked out. Mary's inner strength could still give any woman today a run for their money, and still win hands down. Strength isn't necessarily physical, it's what you can go through, what you are willing to give up, that shows the strength of a person.
On a different note, I'm feeling pretty rundown at the moment, and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it. I can't go to the gym, which is saying something. If you said to me 8 months ago that I would miss going to the gym, I would call you crazy. I think it's the endorphins- I feel so much happier with the gym in my life. Even though my hormonal problem doesn't help, I can see the difference too. My body is changing, and hopefully the way I think about myself, and the way people see me now. I hopefully am getting stronger, and more myself again. Last, but by no means least, I am not to be judged on my body. There will always be someone who tries. I will be there when karma comes back to bite them in the arse.
Anyhoo, I need to go to sleep now if I have any chance of getting in the gym tomorrow/today. Night. x

Before I conk out...

I have a serious exercise today! A very short jog this morning (6:45 no less!), gym at 10, then after looking after my brother (he had an inset day today. Yea I dunno why it was in the middle of the week either.) I went back to the gym for a zumba class at 7. My muscles are a bit confused by the experience, but it was a good day. I got to have a lush bath, and relax for goodness knows how long. I think that is a great treat, and if it wasn't for my catarrh coming back YET AGAIN, I would know I smell pretty damn good.
I am in a very relaxed state/tired early for once, and apart from a lady at zumba who tried to patronise me-in a tone you would speak to a child- going "Oh don't worry, you'll get the hang of it soon" when frankly zumba is one of the only things sport-wise I'm actually good at, and she was getting most of the moves wrong, I'm all good. That is such a small speck on my day though.
One thing I have realised though, is that North of London syndrome (refer to earlier blog if you haven't come across the term- North of London syndrome) runs in the family. I was looking up a north of London map to help my poor geography skills, again, read the last blog for details, and I was looking at Liverpool and Manchester, and my brother comes out with "Manchester is in Scotland, right?"
Even I know that Manchester is not in Scotland. Oh dear.

I think my facebook map will shed some light. I have travelled to/had more photos taken in other countries than I have in the north of England. I haven't ever been to the neighbouring countries of the British Isles either. Oh dear.
 Hopefully travelling up to Old Trafford, and the Millennium stadium for the Olympics will help. A little. At least I am trying, right?
Anyhoo, back to the point. I am looking forward to doing my usual pilates and gym tomorrow, I just gotta hope this catarrh will bugger off before choir.
Fingers crossed! x

Frustrations vs Aled Jones...

I just seem to be surrounded by things that frustrate me at the moment. I saw that someone needed an alto for a choir tour to Israel. I knew I was the first person to apply, and asked for my experience. I got a reply nearly 12 hours later saying sorry but they chose someone else, sorry to of lead you on. I would of been perfect for the tour, and just can't seem to get any breaks.

I also got my results for my blood test. I have irregular hormone levels. The doctor tried to pin it of PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and told me just to lose weight (she called me 'plumpalitious', which I also didn't appreciate very much), and she was going put me on diabetes drugs to help (having the hormonal imbalance of estrogen means losing weight is that much harder. Great). I had to tell her for the third time in a week that I have already lost over a stone, that I am eating healthily and exercising. I then had to explain for the fifth time that my symptoms do not match PCOS. She went through the symptoms-that I have none of- and eventually conceded that it didn't sound like PCOS, and referred me to gyno.

I hate the fact that because I am overweight, that she automatically pinned my problems on it, and ignored my symptoms, focussing on my weight. I also hate that she constantly makes little jabs at me about my weight. After her sterling performance, it may of given me the push to change surgeries. Why should I be treated like a leaper over my weight, especially as I am doing something about it?? I can tell that she has obviously got fed up of the situation, hence the referral, just to get rid of me and my problems, and maybe to prove me wrong. I know she knows her stuff, but I know my body. 

I went to sign in today, and unfortunately the buses were running late, so got there late to my appointment. The lady who I saw rudely said that in future, I don't want you to come in late to sign in. When I explained my situation with the bus, she calmed down, but it was all to do about the fact she wanted to go out for lunch. If anything, I am normally 10 minutes early to my sign ins, and they normally make me late. It is just so ironic that the one time I was late they bring it up. I was made to feel that because I have to sign on, that I am stupid, and someone who doesn't care. Of course I want work! I wouldn't go to so much effort to get a job if I didn't want one. I wouldn't of got a job and be waiting for my training if I didn't want a job! I will just focus on the really nice man I saw before the annoying woman. 

Must not mention 'walking in the air' .

It did look up today though. I had the first Songs of Praise recording. Yes it was a bit repetitive at times, but overall it was done professionally, and with good humour. Aled Jones will be there tomorrow for the second recording. I am determined to get a photo with him. That'll certainly cheer me up a bit!!x

My poor aching body!!!

I have definitely given my body a good workout these past days! Yesterday, I started pilates, and worked out straight after. This morning, I had a weigh in- I have officially lost a stone! :D I then worked out for half an hour, and then did a Zumba class straight after. Worn out is an understatement. I really enjoyed adding in the classes though. Pilates won't be to do with losing weight, this will be to do with my posture, my core muscles, and my strength. Zumba will be burning those calories, help get some stamina for the Race for Life, and having a good dance in the process! Hopefully adding in these classes should help to lose the weight a bit quicker.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am losing weight, but I feel that I can push myself to lose the weight quicker. By my next weigh in, hopefully more weight will of come off. I put my latest chart on the fridge, to remind me of all the good progress I have made :)

I'm thinking of buying these shorts (as a well done present to myself) that have gone on sale from ASOS, but due to lent will have to wait if I want to buy them. Damn you tempting sale! I do love ASOS though. Yes, I would prefer they didn't have a separate section for plus size women, but the clothes that they sell are not all potato sacks, and are working with the latest trends. It is so hard to be plus size and fashionable, but ASOS is a godsend. Fingers crossed they will still be there when I can buy them (or if someone else wants to get them for me, I won't complain or anything ;) ).

Tomorrow I will be going to France for the day. The crib cruise (that should more aptly be named 'the booze cruise with a bit of cards') is something I've done ever since I was little, and have only missed two in the whole time it has been running. It isn't to go over to France and sightsee- there just isn't enough time to do that- but I have so many stories and funny memories of previous years. I am mainly just looking forward to getting out of the country for a bit, and to use my passport. Hopefully my French will suffice for when we are over there. One year before I got a comment from one of the men (who was very drunk) about how I've gained weight. I took it very personally. Hopefully this year no comment will be made about my weight, but if so, I will tell them how I've been doing, and tell them they should try the workout I did over the past two days! I won't wilt, hopefully I will stand tall and defend myself with dignity.

So as they say over there, au revior! x

One step at a time

I have found out that I have unofficially got a job now! I am so thankful, because I was finding it so draining being on Jobseekers. It is ironically so much easier to get another job when you already have one, so fingers crossed I can get a bar job to give me more hours. I also had my first blood test yesterday, which is not what I considered very fun to say the least. It had to be done by one of the doctors as I have really awkward veins, and had to have it done twice because something went wrong the first time. In the end they had to take it out of my hand, which I didn't really mind, or care frankly. I was just grateful that the doctor and nurse were both really nice, and both really empathetic. They were having banter, which ironically calmed me down a lot :)Anyhoo.... on to better subjects!
The pageant is definitely having a good effect on me, and on my confidence generally. I went to the gym yesterday morning, and thought I'd bring my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash with me to show my friend, when the girls dared me to wear the sash whilst working out. I felt a bit of an idiot at first, but then people started commenting saying well done, and generally being supportive. I got used to people staring at me. I normally find it hard to deal with people staring at me, because it makes me feel self-concious. I am starting to realise that getting attention can be good, as long as it's the right attention, aka no guys grabbing at me (you can look, but can't touch!). The fact I did that simple little thing gave me a well needed boost. I also can't seem to stop strutting around the place as if it's a catwalk! I'm sure that I won't go into arrogant territory, I gotta stop thinking that confidence is arrogance or cockiness. It's a good trait!
So here's a good song to reflect my mood (and my walking! :P)

Team Sue and Jules!!

Today has been such a positive day. I have been thinking about doing the Race for Life this year, and after a conversation with a friend, I will definitely be doing it. Apparently, this year, Cancer Research has come up with an idea to go in groups. This way we can fundraise together for a group target. Dad said that he would help me train on Saturday mornings, and keeping up with the curves workouts.
The only niggling part is that my money comes through tomorrow. I have wanted to do this for a while now, especially after mum died, that I just want to attack this with all that it deserves. As it says on the website, each step we run is helping raise money to beat this dreadful disease. For me, I want to raise money, so that never again, will a child or a teenager lose their mum (or dad) to Cancer.

If you want to run with me, the group ID is RP7304 (we are called the dynamos!). The more the merrier, and the more likely we'll hit the £500 target I think we can raise. If you don't want to run, and you want to donate, then please donate on http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/the-dynamos
For me, when I do this, it will be a personal achievement. Not only will I of jogged the whole way, helping my fitness, but I would like to think that my mum would be proud of me. Doing this for both my mum and Jules will be an honour. They were both formidable women in their own right, and I feel they will be cheering us on, and motivating us (proverbially) from the finishing line.
So here's to Mum and Jules! x

Surprises..

I've been living in blissful ignorance of the fact it's winter, and I should be having a cold or two.
I am now feeling pretty sorry for myself. I think it is a case of me feeling rundown, and my body trying to get me to calm down and de-stress. I have my trial shift for Wagamama today, and have one of the solos on Sunday- very bad timing!!!
I am sure I can woman up and do the wagamama shift fine.
The thing I am most pleasantly surprised about is my brother. I was feeling very weak last night, and went to bed about 6 (I haven't been sleeping well, so trying to catch up on sleep!). The cat came to join me- I still think they have a sixth sense to tell who is ill- and then dad went out. Dan gave me his blanket, and spent most of his time giving me cuddles. Eventually I didn't have the energy, and he wandered off to bed.
This morning, when I came down the stairs, I asked if Dan could give me a hand with breakfast. He firstly gave me a big hug, sorted my breakfast out, and got me a cup of tea.
It's not that I don't think he is lovely, I know he is, it's more so the fact he never made a fuss, he thought of things himself that might help, and was so thoughtful.
He may test my patience to the limit, but when it comes down to it, to me, he is the best brother in the world :)

An Interesting Christmas...

Well, what an interesting Christmas in the Palmer household!
Christmas day was lovely- calm and peaceful. Starting off with church at 10am,  (I didn't make it to midnight mass due to me being a wuss) then epic lunch at the woodpecker with my Uncle and grandad (I prepared for this occasion, waay too excited for food this year!) to then get back round to ours for present opening.
We then had a new addition to our tradition this year, in the evening we went round to Grampy's house to see dad's side of the family. I was rather sceptical about seeing both sides of the family in one day, but surprisingly it was fine.
Boxing day however...
Dad was complaining of chest pains when he was driving me to work, called the ambulance when he got back home. Virtually straight after I went on shift I got sent home to be with my family. Went straight to the hospital to wait for dad in the ambulance, to then be in there for multiple hours.
I honestly thought in the beginning I was going to lose my dad.
After a couple of hours I realised he would of been rushed into theatre or put in a special unit if he was considered serious.
He came home this morning at 1:20 by a good church friend of ours, with what seems to be a cracked/fractured rib or two, and apparently some serious indigestion.
The doctor did notice some irregularity in his heart, so he is going in for a test, but I think what I am most annoyed about is their communication, or lack of it.
When I got to the hospital they had no idea where he was. A consultant came over when dad got in to majors unit, said that dad had a clot in his lung with no explanation at all, to then after some time get taken to MAU. The nurses then didn't tell us any information, we didn't find out about the planned 9:30 blood test for ages, and when I explained our family situation to a nurse, they said if he can go home tonight they'll put him in a taxi.
 I rung up the doctor to ask what was going on (the time they said they would know the results had very much been and gone) to then be told he was going to be sent home, giving one of three reasons for the chest pain (so they didn't know for sure what was going on inside my dad's body.)
I am sure that these doctors and nurses know what they are doing, but I felt that we were left. I was worried sick about my dad the whole time, (ditto dad) and that didn't get brought into account (with the exception of a very kind paramedic, who explained their procedure to me and not to worry about why he was taking so long to get to hospital.)
All it would of taken was a nurse to come over a short time after dad got into MAU to explain what would be going on and why.
I am so grateful that dad is home, that we got so much support from our friends and family, and that they hopefully have worked out the problem, but I just wanted dad and I to be treated like worried humans who needed an explanation, and dad to be treated a bit less than a waste of a hospital bed.
I know there are so many amazing, kind, caring nurses and doctors, some I know personally. I feel that these minority who don't care, let down the others. These people do amazing work every single working day of their lives. When my nan was in ITU, I was ringing up to see what was going on, and when I rushed to get there when nan died, the doctors and nurses were so kind. You could really tell that these nurses truly cared for their patients, and I'm sure the doctors did too.
I hope that if I have to be in hospital again (for whatever reason) that the nurses and doctors would just explain what is going on, like the amazing doctors and nurses did for me in ITU with my nan.
All I will focus on now is getting dad better, and to sort out the house for our party on the 30th. I hope that everyone who reads this post has had a wonderful, healthy Christmas, and will have a happy, if slightly drunken new year. x