The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

Drag and Lush- the best medicine there is.

So after a really rough start to the year, this week has been one of the most healing of weeks I could have.
I am on new drugs that do make me very numb and very spaced out. The only way I can describe to people who haven't been on these types of drugs, is that its like having emotional blinkers. Your body doesn't allow you to feel your emotions to the fullest, especially the bad ones. It also unfortunately gives you a bigger appetite. Not exactly great when you are trying to lose weight, and maintain the weight loss that I currently have at the moment. So I have decided to give myself a bit of a break. Not be very bad as such, but just ride the food storm through. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more, and really top up on the free foods, speed and protein.
So whilst on my first week of tablets, I had a night out already planned to go see Trinity Taylor and Aja from Ru Paul's Drag Race season 9. I am a major Trinity Taylor fan, and the minute I saw she was coming to the UK I jumped at the chance to get tickets, and get to meet her afterwards as well. So I bought two tickets assuming I would be able to find someone free to go with me.

Divina De Campo

Well that never happened. So I thought no, I am still going to go. I am not missing out on the opportunity to meet my queen. I also really needed to get away from everything for a night. Do things by myself.
In the end, I watched Judy at the Arts Theatre for the matinee (definitely go see it. Amazing show.) and then went back to my hotel to get ready to go back out. I could feel I was on the verge of a panic attack, so rung my best friend, who made sure I got my bum to the gig.
I am so glad I went. I was so anxious going by myself, but once I found the room it was all going on in, I was able to calm down and attempt to enjoy the evening.
Got to see Divina De Campo as our host to start with. Very quick on her feet with the crowd, and the voice. Heard her do Barcelona. Stunning. Was able to get really near the front for all three queens.
I always knew I was going to love Trinity. So nutty I loved it. Aja made me a fan that night. Her lipsyncing is stunning. I was just in awe the whole time.
Getting to meet them afterwards and getting Trinity to sign my merchandise was just the cherry on top of the cake. They were both so sweet and kind.
I was just so proud of myself that I was able to go by myself and rid myself of my demons for a night. I felt like my meet and greet was my reward.
I would definitely recommend going to a holy trannity run show as well. So well organised, and so well thought out as well. Every base had been covered. I would definitely go again, and do intend to if any of my favourite queens were local to me again.
The other part of my London trip was my spa treatment at King's Road Lush. I got some spa treatments when I used to work for the company, so it's nice that I get to use them after I have left. I have always heard such good things about the comforter, and I was able to get a last minute appointment. I don't believe in coincidence. It really felt beautiful to feel properly pampered. To feel completely calm (especially as I had a mild panic attack on the tube on my way there), and feel like I was in the right place at the right time. It gave me so much clarity of my present situation. Sometimes you really have to go through a rough patch to be able to learn from your mistakes; to learn what you will and won't accept, to realise how strong you truly are, to know that everything will be ok in the end. At the end of my treatment, my wonderful therapist actually random acted me. All you lush workers know how much that means. I will be going back there soon for my hard days night treatment, and can't wait to book it in.
After my treatment, I decided to go out for lunch before heading back home. I received a wonderful message from someone who went to the show after seeing my instagram post from the night before.
Random acts of kindness kept me going and persevering throughout the day. I didn't have a panic attack on the tube on the way back. It's the little things.
So I suppose in the end, I want you to know that words make such a difference in people's lives. Make sure they are good ones.

What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

Looking on the plus size

Well it has been a pretty busy weekend!

On the Friday, I went to Katie to have my weigh in, and have lost 4 pounds over two weeks, which I am very proud of.

My latest goal is to lose 4 pounds before Christmas. I deliberately set it lower so I wouldn't feel downhearted if I stayed the same one week. Coupled with feeling better about the aeroplane seatbelt, I will have a brilliant trip to Berlin.

My favourite part of this weekend has to be my audition for Ms Curvaceous.

I was so nervous in the morning, and there were so many moments where I was changing my mind whether I was going or not.

I am very lucky that my boyfriend was very supportive, that he was able to guide me in the right direction without pushing me.

Strangely, once I knew I was definitely going, it was like the air lifted, and was focused and determined to get this right.

I went to it to gain the confidence, and be around other women who are considered plus size.

I realised that actually I had so much more confidence than I thought, and was strutting my stuff down that runway! I now really hope that I do end up becoming a finalist, because I feel that we really do need a more diverse selection of models.

I would love to be able to represent my apple shape to the fullest, but I will have to wait until December to find out.

With some of the brilliant girls I met- Selfie!

One of the best parts about the day was the people I met. The people who coached us were fantastic and gave brilliant advice to all of us there. The girls who were auditioning with me were also fantastic, and understood all too well the problems with the fashion and plus size industry.

We want to see every body be represented. From skinny to supersize, to pears, apples, lollipops, hourglasses, the petite and the tall. Everyone.

I have realised that it is up to us to change it. We need a wider variety of models, we need to stop this body shaming, and not accept the media's portrayal of a 'perfect body'.

I have now learnt that every time I look at myself, I should be proud. This body is alive, can do an hours Zumba class, can walk for miles, can duck low branches easily, and most of all, can be beautiful.

We are beautiful. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

What a Gaga Weekend!

Well this weekend has been amazing for me, as I have been to my very first live popular music concert, and watched Lady Gaga at the O2 arena in London!

With a nice dose of pointless :P

I have always liked Lady Gaga, so this has been a long time coming, after I couldn't get tickets for her last tour.
I was able to go with my best friend from uni who I haven't seen in a while, so it was brilliant to catch up with her and just have lots of fun :D
We obviously had to dress up, especially after seeing some of the brilliant outfits we saw people wearing for her tour so far. We weren't alone in dressing up, but equally we were in the minority, which was a shame, but hey ho.
What really did strike a chords though was how I didn't feel so nervous or self-conscious about this. I think it did help that I had my friend there with me, but I think partly I am just happier in myself.
I don't feel half as unwell as I used to, I am losing weight, and for the most part am starting to build my confidence.
The bit that I remember before the concert was when we were queuing up to get in. There were girls who dressed up as Where's Wally, (which was brilliant by the way) but otherwise it was just us.
I was starting to get a little self-conscious and nervous, when I noticed a family queuing with their children. The dad was staring at my outfit, I noticed him and smiled, and he gave me a friendly thumbs up. That was the moment I really felt at ease, because I think partly we all like to be accepted, and I realised no-one else really cared apart from me. These people didn't judge me, either on my outfit or my weight, and that was refreshing as well.
Maybe it is the fans of Lady Gaga. She really does have such a wide fan base, and she promotes acceptance in everything that she does, which I think feeds into her fans.
She was absolutely amazing, and did songs from all her albums, it was just such a brilliant show.
Here's hoping that acceptance becomes a part of everyone's lives, not just the few.

A Step in the Right Direction

Well, I had my weigh in today. Was quite nervous, because of the gain last week.
The weight I gained last week is back off! A good step in the right direction :)
I also showed Katie my food diary, and from the looks of things, it could be bread being my main foe tummy wise. This week I am not going to eat bread, and then if I feel better, introduce it slowly, and see if it has any effects.
Fingers crossed it is bread, and I can adjust my foods and go from there. Hopefully it is that simple.
One thing we did touch on today was that stress does have an effect on weight loss.
If I get stressed, I find it has a negative effect on my eating, especially what I eat.
I do wonder though whether stress does have a negative effect on your health as well. I always thought that when people said these things that it was a load of baloney. Thinking about it now though has me thinking: what if they were right?
When I think about it, when you are stressed, we know that it increases things like your blood pressure. Why wouldn't it affect the rest of your body?
This week I am going to try and take it easy, and see whether that also has an effect on my tummy. It might not, but it'll at least help my blood pressure!
It should still have a positive effect on my attitude and my mood. I think sometimes I need to learn to not let things get to me. Those things I can't change shouldn't get me so down or stressed. You can only control your actions, so just make sure that those are good ones.

What you put up with

It is funny what you put up with for so long.

As you well know, I have been dealing with these tummy problems for ages, and am doing my food diary and a tummy diary, to try and find a pattern.

Looking through the diary, ready for Monday, has made me realise what I have put up with for so long!

Virtually every morning this week I have woken up feeling ill. Two out of the four days, I have felt unwell during the day. Only today, I have woken up feeling fine, and have had no negative tummy problems so far.

I think partly you only realise that you are unwell when you see the evidence with your own eyes, and how it affects you as a person. I think also hindsight is a wonderful thing. The times when I thought I was fine when I wasn't show up more, because you truly feel better physically and within yourself.

Not all bad eh :P

One of the times that really sticks with me was when I went to Corfu this year on holiday.

For the first day or two I felt ok, but as the week carried on, I was feeling really ill with my tummy, and as a knock-on effect was becoming quite irritable. Thankfully, my partner understood and helped me through.

Looking back, I was very unwell, but carried on; I was just determined to have a good time on holiday.

I think sometimes we forget the problems aren't just to do with health. The knock on effects can affect your loved ones as well.

I want to be able to be better for myself obviously, but also for my partner. He has been that support for quite a while, and when it is sorted it will never be forgotten.

So here's to all those who look after their loved ones, because truly, you are amazing! x

Mother's day *groan*

It is officially Mother's day today. Not the most enjoyable days of the year for me, for obvious reasons. Weirdly enough, this year I found it harder; maybe because this will be the first year that I will be home for it. I have found that I haven't asked for help though, because I don't want to ruin other people's Mother's day by hanging out with me, when they have a Mother with them. Hopefully I won't have people come up and talk about my mum tomorrow, because I just don't like it. I have got to the end of my tether about the whole thing. I cannot try and please everyone else, whilst people don't think that they could be hurting my feelings, and/or angering me.
I have also been watching Whitney Houston's last interview: the one with Oprah in 2009, and one thing that really spoke out to me was her unwavering faith in God. There was one point in the interview, when she was talking about leaving Bobby Brown. She asked for the strength to leave him. It made me think of men. Firstly, it made me think of the man I like. Maybe instead of asking God what I shall do, even though I know the answer is to tell him how I feel (and not feeling like I have the courage or the strength to), I should really be asking God to give me strength to tell him. It also made me think of my last relationship I had. I can see now, (and I could see then too, if I'm being honest) that it wasn't a good relationship. It wasn't a relationship of equals. He didn't see me as his equal, and the balance of give and take was more me giving, him taking. I knew this fact, but I stayed with him, because I was just so happy to be in a relationship, and happy to not be alone. I know now that if something is not right, they need to go. I can't stay in a bad relationship, because it would stop me from finding a good relationship, with someone I deserve. It is just finding someone that you fit like a missing puzzle piece. You could meet the nicest man in the world, but if they don't fit, they don't fit.
I like to use this song to help me think about how I want my next relationship to be. Not that the man thinks I'm perfect, but that he can accept my faults, handle my baggage, and still think the world of me (and visa versa obviously). I also want my next relationship to be a bit like this, because I think I deserve to be loved, to have a man make the same effort for me as I would for him. I deserve it.
Whether that is another brick down from the wall, who knows? I just like the song :P x

A bump in the road

For a little while, I have had such a good positive attitude, but I have found my first hurdle to get over- my behaviour towards a guy I like.

Normally when I like a guy, I make a really big effort for them, to show them that I am the one they want to go out with. My new self respect kinda goes against that. He should realise that already, and should feel lucky that a girl like me likes him. He needs to show that he likes me by making a big effort. If a guy truly likes you, he will go out of his way to be with you, he would make the effort to go out on dates, etc. I am really trying with this, but I have got such a urge to message him right now, it's all I can think about.

Jaymie normally snaps me out of it, but I can't get hold of her. I know it sounds very stupid, but it is a bit like a battle of wills to see who will win, except I'm fighting my old self. I have to wait it out and stay strong. 

I keep making excuses for this guy, 'oh, he's really shy' 'I have to prove I'm a woman, not a girl', the list goes on and on. He is not shy around me in any way, and if he doesn't consider me a woman rather than a girl, then hell, isn't that a big sign?!? My old insecurities are creeping in, the ones saying I'm not good enough, but this time I'm trying to fight them. This time I think I will make some progress. I am getting there, it's just going to take a bit longer than I thought.

Here's to being human x

I may be short, but damn, I'm standing tall!

I've definitely seen a change in my behaviour after reading 'living la Vida Loca' (one of my blogs before). Not just towards other people, but mainly towards myself. I respect myself so much more now, and I am a lot more upbeat in my way of thinking.

I'd like this one, please.

I was watching the new episodes of 'The Vampire Diaries' earlier today. I love the show, but it is all doom and gloom, and usually brought my mood way down. I started feeling sorry for myself that I have no job, that I had to pay my phonebill today, I don't have that steady income or safety net. I could feel my mood lowering, but it was as if I had a mental thermostat. When my mood lowered to a certain point, my brain refused to go anymore, snapping me out of it, bringing me back to my normal, higher mood. That has never happened before. Normally, I would stay in that bad mood for the rest of the day, and proceed to moan to my friends for about an hour, (poor Jaymie).
Because I didn't break down to that low place, I ended up going back on jobseekers, applying for jobs online, handing out CV's in Gunwarf. Within 45 minutes of handing my CV in, Wagamama's rung me, and I have an interview tomorrow!
I am learning that bad feelings are a choice, now I'm feeling so much stronger, and feel better in myself. Forgetting about all the bad things in the day, and focusing on making things better has got me a job interview, and hopefully my jobseekers money back.
The bad things in life are what give us focus, determination, and strength to stand proud on our two feet.
I may be short, but damn, I'm standing tall!

Getting the gloves back on :D

Ever since was a little girl, I have always spoken my mind. As I got older and wiser, I got into less trouble about it. I have always been proud of the fact that I speak my mind, because it is braver than bitching, and a problem gets resolved quicker. I admit, I do occasionally rant and bitch, everyone does it, but I don't like to make a habit out of it. If I had an issue with someone, I prefer to speak out.

I then went to uni. I was in an environment where bitchiness was the norm. I started to find I was losing my bluntness in the waves of bitching. I always thought I matured at university. In some ways I did. I learnt that you have to be careful with money, and how to depend on myself.

One thing I have been wanting to change after uni, was to go back to my blunt, 'say it like it is' behaviour. I have been trying for a couple of months now, and had my big break-through last night.

A couple of months ago, a lady made a comment (subtly) about my weight, and what I was putting into my mouth. Considering I have been losing weight, been eating healthily, and went to the gym that very day in preperation, I found the whole situation very rude. I was so surprised by the comment, I didn't say anything. Ever since then, I have been wishing that I could of said something to her. Last night, I was sitting with her at a meal, and she was talking about defending herself against people's comments, and said politely, that she may not of realised it, but she upset me a while ago. She apologised straight away afterwards. I accepted the apology, but stating to please be careful in what you say to me next time.

I probably should not of done it in a public place, in front of people, (even though virtually no-one heard about the incident) but it was the first time I have stood up for myself again after uni.

Also, after posting about the bitchy Canterbury folk, I was getting 'anon' comments, trying to be derogitary. My new strength has made me realise that the comments mean nothing. As long as I know in myself that they are doing it to get attention and a rise out of me, it doesn't matter what they say. All I do is delete the comment, and then forget about it.

I am getting stronger and stronger every day. 

The world better watch out, the old Palm is back in business! :D