Coping with Mental Health

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas. My anxiety was back with heated avengence. This followed after I lost my job with severe depression. I got put on tablets to help, but they gave me bad headaches. I then got put on other tablets. They are starting to work. I'm being referred for high intensity CBT.
One of the best things though would have to be my best friend coming to see me this weekend. It was so refreshing. I got to show the work I have done to my flat, got the travel frames up, went to the cinema, had a girly night. Honestly one of the best weekends I have had in a while.
If you ever don't know what to do when your friend has mental health issues going on, do that. It is a blessing.

Also something that has really helped is to have a proper pamper. I have cleansed, toned, face mask, moisturised. I have had a bath with a bath bomb, salts, body scrub and body lotion. I feel so much calmer and relaxed. Giving yourself a pamper is definitely good for the soul. You are worth spending time over.
Whilst I am no closer to finding a job, I feel more positive. I have wonderful friends who care about me. I feel beautiful by spending time on myself. My sailor will be back in 5 days.
Life will get easier.

The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Surviving Lent Group :)

This is how I see Mary, strong, yet
somehow gentle

I had the lent group that I lead on Mary yesterday. I think it went quite well, and I just hope that the tweenies enjoyed it. I did my quiz on 10 things that you might not know about Mary, and I wanted to tackle different perceptions on Mary. Mary was such an important woman, and most pictures show her as a gentle, obedient mother. I think it would be unfair to Mary to class her as just a mother, because no woman is defined by the amount of children they have.
She was strong, loyal, and had unmovable faith. She didn't know for certain that Joseph would take her as his wife after Gabriel's message. She was put in serious danger of being stoned to death, but she put her immeasurable faith in God, and it worked out. Mary's inner strength could still give any woman today a run for their money, and still win hands down. Strength isn't necessarily physical, it's what you can go through, what you are willing to give up, that shows the strength of a person.
On a different note, I'm feeling pretty rundown at the moment, and I'm feeling pretty crappy about it. I can't go to the gym, which is saying something. If you said to me 8 months ago that I would miss going to the gym, I would call you crazy. I think it's the endorphins- I feel so much happier with the gym in my life. Even though my hormonal problem doesn't help, I can see the difference too. My body is changing, and hopefully the way I think about myself, and the way people see me now. I hopefully am getting stronger, and more myself again. Last, but by no means least, I am not to be judged on my body. There will always be someone who tries. I will be there when karma comes back to bite them in the arse.
Anyhoo, I need to go to sleep now if I have any chance of getting in the gym tomorrow/today. Night. x

What have I got myself in for..?!

So yesterday, I went to the third instalment of the lent group, 'Something borrowed'. I love learning, and I loved learning about the festival of Divali, as going to a Catholic school, I never really got taught about other religions.

I think it is good to learn about other religions, and it reminds me of what my mum believed, which was that all religions have the same god. I don't really know what I believe in that respect, but I think that in the end, it's not my job to judge others. 

The next lent group is 'Something blue', and the person leading originally couldn't do it, so I thought that I would do it. I have now realised how difficult it is going to be to do lent group on Mary!

The minute I got home, I started the research, and I remembered how much I enjoy researching, and presenting things. Coming up with ideas to get the message across without boring them, or making them feel as if I am lecturing them. It is going to be tough, because there is not much mention of Mary in the bible (except for Jesus' birth, obviously). Luckily, one of the ladies is going to give me some of her course information about Mary, and I might pick out some ideas from there. I am also lucky that I have 3 priests at my church, who can hopefully look over all the information I have gathered, and give me some good feedback.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, toodles! x

Christians helping themselves, right??

I've been watching Loose Women lately, and Sanjeev Bhaskar was on promoting his daytime telly series, 'The Indian Doctor'. I thought why not? It's not as if I have anything interesting in my life at the moment! I actually really enjoyed watching it, and one thing really struck a chord with me. I know that this is fictional, but the premise of the story really interested me morally.
I have no qualms about me saying I am a Christian. I won't ram scripture down your throat, and I won't try to convert you (two disclaimers I always have to say just in case.) In the latest episode, a young boy has got smallpox (set in the 60s, it wasn't as rare as it is now) and is very distressed, having to be in isolation (as well as the whole village). The village folk that will/have come into contact with the child has to be vaccinated first. The health people only send 7 vaccinations at first, and the doctor has to decide who gets the first seven.
The interesting part in the story is when the parish priest declines the vaccine, saying that prayer will keep him safe. As a Christian, I find this a bit peculiar, and reminds me of a story once told to me:


"A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”

The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”

As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”

The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”

The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.

A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”

Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.

When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”

And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

I know this is a very long story, but the point was that this priest is waiting for something from God, a miracle, but he misses the opportunity to help himself. I do not understand his logic. He then proceeds to join the boy in isolation (without being vaccinated) to give the boy some comfort.

I found this partly a brave thing to do, but partly so frustrating. It is as if he is trying to test God and his theory, alike to the Roman soldiers/pharisees at Jesus's death. God gave him his body, and I don't believe it is his right to deliberately put it in danger. On the other hand, he is risking his life to comfort a very distressed boy, with no thought of the consequence on him.

The storyline definitely re-inforces my belief that God offers opportunities via other people. He could of still comforted the boy, after he got vaccinated. I just don't understand why he put himself in danger when there is an obvious solution to the problem.

This may be a bit too much faith for some, but I had to let it off my chest. I'm sure the next post will be a bit less religious ;) x