Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

It's all been worth it :)

Today has been pretty darn productive- work in the morning, got home and had lunch, ordered lush retro goodies, rehearsal, and a fantastic concert! This week has been tiring, physically and mentally, but the end result tonight was pretty amazing!
We have had a guest conductor this week- Cristian Brancusi, working on Verdi- Overture “La Forza del Destino”, Gershwin- Rhapsody in blue, and Saint-Saens- Symphony No 3 “Organ Symphony”. The concert tonight was just amazing, and for me a great preliminary of what is to come of my university life. 
On the flip side, I will be heading to Canterbury for a couple of days tomorrow. It is going to feel pretty strange, as I have really made myself at home in Chichester, and it will be the first time I'll be there without being a student. 
It will be a great opportunity to meet with old friends, and to start making peace with the place. I need to start remembering all the good memories I had there, as well as the bad ones. These next couple of days will be making good memories with people I truly care about, and isn't that what life is all about?
I am really sad I won't be able to see them all in one go this time, but hopefully there will be other times. 
I also am really excited to go on tour to Guernsey with the Chi Uni Pops Orchestra. I have only ever been on tour once, and even then, I'm not sure if it really counted. I was seriously worried about the camping side (after a camping trip with my dad when I was 7 years old, and dad forgot to mention it was with a whole load of boy scouts. I promised myself I would never camp again.) Now that dad got me a pop up tent and a sleeping bag, I feel a lot better about the whole situation. Not sure how I will cope with having quick showers, but I'm sure I'll get there. I still haven't really thought about packing, but I'll sort it when I'm back from Canterbury. I'm sure it won't be the night before...
Anyhoo, I need some sleep. Night everyone, have a great week! x

AUDITION!!!/North of London Syndome

Yesterday, as you could probably tell, I was having a right tantrum. Today just seems to bring amazing opportunities my way.
I finished an application for Halfords, handed it in, and got a phone call at about 5pm asking me for an interview on Friday, (thank you Neil for putting in a good word!!). I have applied to go touring with a indie/gypsy band round the UK and mainland Europe, which will probably include Austria, Germany, and Switzerland. For me this is an opportunity for me to see the world, (well, some of Europe at least). I have been to France, the Canary Islands, and Zante, and I am so desperate to visit more- and my orchestral director in Chichester is fine with it, which means I won't be in the doghouse before I start university again! I got a message from them back asking me to email them, and I've got a flipping audition!!! AHHH!!! :D
I have applied for the pageant, as it isn't exactly going to be bad for my self esteem (and I get a sash :D).

A resolution -which is admittedly very late- that I have made today is to swot up on my geography. Yesterday I was talking to my friend from Manchester, and I really showed how bad I am at geography north of London. I like to call this 'North of London Syndrome', commonly referred to as being a southerner. I know where virtually everything is south of London. I even know the London Underground, but you take me past London and I get all confused :S
 I always thought it was just quite cute and nice to live in ignorance of northern geography. Lately I've been feeling like a moron. I have started my studying, (I can hear Jaymie saying "Praise the Lord!") and now know where some of the counties are, and realised that Cumbria is a county, not a city!
Slowly but surely eh...x