Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Rachel Update and new beginnings

A lot has happened since I first started this blog. A lot has happened since my last blog post. I was in a very low point in my life. I was lucky to have the support of a few close friends around me. I went to India. I became a new woman. I became an independent lover of life. I was happy just being by myself. I started to truly heal the wounds of 2017.
2018 has really truly been a year of new starts. I started working as a violin teacher, which has truly been a goal to use my degree to its full use. I went back to an old job that I absolutely loved. I started a new job. I realised that money definitely helps, but having a job that makes you happy is what matters. I have realised that I really am truly good at my jobs, because I actually enjoy what I am doing.
I went to Vietnam and Cambodia in August with my oldest friend. I feel so lucky to have had that experience. I feel so lucky to be able to explore my love of travelling. Vietnam and Cambodia also made me realise that you can have anxiety, yet still be really brave. Though I was a complete mess before I went with my anxiety. I am so proud to say that I was one of the bravest people on that trip. I completed the Chu Chi Tunnels. Only 3 out of 13 of us did it. I faced my fear of heights, and went to a Sky bar in Saigon. After the initial fear, I ended up really enjoying the evening. I wasn't going to let my fear stop me from doing it though. I also ate tarantula, scorpion, and cricket. It's like I did all my worrying before my holiday, so I could be completely free of it whilst I was there.
I have also got on to the property ladder. I am still trying to get everything sorted out, but I am getting there. I have been getting frustrated that it isn't organised yet. I want it to be perfect. I keep being told though that it really is one step at a time. It will be fine. I have also noticed that I have been starting to trust my own judgement when it comes to decisions in my house. I know what I want, and I just want to be able to see my vision through.
Another development is that I have a new man in my life. I am really happy that they are in my life, I am just getting used to being with someone who is in the forces. There is so much to try and learn and understand. The way I think is the more I understand, the more it helps the relationship.
He is away now for 7 weeks, and this is the longest time I have spent away from him so far. But not just away, without proper communication as well. I know that deployment is going to be much longer (more like 6 months), but I have found it a bit difficult. When you are with someone in the forces, partly having that reassurance from them really helps. In the end though, you really have to know for yourself that they care about you. Not just that, but that you care about yourself.
I try and look at the benefits. It gives me the freedom that I always crave. I get to truly enjoy being by myself in my flat. I get the time to myself to sort through everything in my own time. I get time to be with my friends.
I also had some brilliant advice from a friend who was in the army. It is better to make the most of what you have together, try to not worry about what could happen later, or if something could change. Life is short. Enjoy it!
I probably will end up writing in this blog more often now, as I have found being able to write down my thoughts has really helped. It may not be all the time, but I'm just going to use it to be able to just write down how I feel, and if other people in the same position want to connect and chat, please feel free! It would be great to talk to other people in the same situation!

Drag and Lush- the best medicine there is.

So after a really rough start to the year, this week has been one of the most healing of weeks I could have.
I am on new drugs that do make me very numb and very spaced out. The only way I can describe to people who haven't been on these types of drugs, is that its like having emotional blinkers. Your body doesn't allow you to feel your emotions to the fullest, especially the bad ones. It also unfortunately gives you a bigger appetite. Not exactly great when you are trying to lose weight, and maintain the weight loss that I currently have at the moment. So I have decided to give myself a bit of a break. Not be very bad as such, but just ride the food storm through. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more, and really top up on the free foods, speed and protein.
So whilst on my first week of tablets, I had a night out already planned to go see Trinity Taylor and Aja from Ru Paul's Drag Race season 9. I am a major Trinity Taylor fan, and the minute I saw she was coming to the UK I jumped at the chance to get tickets, and get to meet her afterwards as well. So I bought two tickets assuming I would be able to find someone free to go with me.

Divina De Campo

Well that never happened. So I thought no, I am still going to go. I am not missing out on the opportunity to meet my queen. I also really needed to get away from everything for a night. Do things by myself.
In the end, I watched Judy at the Arts Theatre for the matinee (definitely go see it. Amazing show.) and then went back to my hotel to get ready to go back out. I could feel I was on the verge of a panic attack, so rung my best friend, who made sure I got my bum to the gig.
I am so glad I went. I was so anxious going by myself, but once I found the room it was all going on in, I was able to calm down and attempt to enjoy the evening.
Got to see Divina De Campo as our host to start with. Very quick on her feet with the crowd, and the voice. Heard her do Barcelona. Stunning. Was able to get really near the front for all three queens.
I always knew I was going to love Trinity. So nutty I loved it. Aja made me a fan that night. Her lipsyncing is stunning. I was just in awe the whole time.
Getting to meet them afterwards and getting Trinity to sign my merchandise was just the cherry on top of the cake. They were both so sweet and kind.
I was just so proud of myself that I was able to go by myself and rid myself of my demons for a night. I felt like my meet and greet was my reward.
I would definitely recommend going to a holy trannity run show as well. So well organised, and so well thought out as well. Every base had been covered. I would definitely go again, and do intend to if any of my favourite queens were local to me again.
The other part of my London trip was my spa treatment at King's Road Lush. I got some spa treatments when I used to work for the company, so it's nice that I get to use them after I have left. I have always heard such good things about the comforter, and I was able to get a last minute appointment. I don't believe in coincidence. It really felt beautiful to feel properly pampered. To feel completely calm (especially as I had a mild panic attack on the tube on my way there), and feel like I was in the right place at the right time. It gave me so much clarity of my present situation. Sometimes you really have to go through a rough patch to be able to learn from your mistakes; to learn what you will and won't accept, to realise how strong you truly are, to know that everything will be ok in the end. At the end of my treatment, my wonderful therapist actually random acted me. All you lush workers know how much that means. I will be going back there soon for my hard days night treatment, and can't wait to book it in.
After my treatment, I decided to go out for lunch before heading back home. I received a wonderful message from someone who went to the show after seeing my instagram post from the night before.
Random acts of kindness kept me going and persevering throughout the day. I didn't have a panic attack on the tube on the way back. It's the little things.
So I suppose in the end, I want you to know that words make such a difference in people's lives. Make sure they are good ones.

Bucharest- The (slightly late) round up

So I know this is a bit late off the mark, but I promised myself a year of travel. I also promised myself to keep the blog up to date a bit more often, so here goes.

So did my first trip of the year with my uni queen to Bucharest. Now I have done a city break or two before, but I found this very different from any other I have been to.
Firstly I was very lucky that the friend I went with used to live in Bucharest, so we could basically say what we wanted to do throughout the holiday, and he would plan the route/day as to where everything was. Also handy as he knew the city, we didn't get lost, and could speak fluent Romanian.
The other part of the trip I found was very different was how Bucharest seemed to be a city of opposites. You would have some beautiful buildings, and then another moment a derelict building. The poor and the businessmen/women. The traditional Romanian food, with the big chains dotted around the city. It added a different charm to the place, a very unique touch that I haven't got from other places I have been to.
Day One
After an early start, we got to Romania about 1:45, and spent the day getting round Romania, enjoying our fabulous hotel (I will take full credit for our brilliant hotel. Just saying.). I tried traditional Romanian food, and getting a general feel for the city. You do notice the tale of opposites in this city very quickly. We went out again that evening to use the metro for the first time, to wander round the shops and get some supplies. Very handy having a shopping centre shut at 10pm. Also they do nice macarons. Just saying.

My queen enjoying the sun <3

Day Two
Got a lot of stuff done this day. Went to the Natural History Museum, (word of warning: you have to pay to take photos. Don't get caught out.) Ventured out to Herastrau park, where we just chilled out and enjoyed the 22C sunshine. Stuffed our faces full of gorgeous food at lunchtime, visited my friend's old flat, went to the white church, and hung out at the Romanian Atheneum. We didn't bother venturing too far out for dinner, as apparently I had to try this meal at KFC, and we had been pretty busy throughout the day.
Day Three
Went to the History of Romania Museum, where we spent nearly two hours wandering around, enjoying learning about Romania. One of my favourite things is learning, especially about places I am travelling to. My favourite museum in the city. Enjoyed eating Italian food in the sunshine, and wandering around finding little bits to take back for the family. I had also been looking at all these gorgeous patisserie's throughout the city, and finally gave in to temptation and tried some baked treats. Nom. That is all.
Day Four
On our last day in Bucharest, we were able to go out early after breakfast for a last wander around, buying from the patisserie, getting those last minute souvenirs, and stumbled upon a handmade and antique market. Bought some beautiful handmade jewellery, a good reminder of the trip and a unique way to remember Romania.

All in all, Bucharest was an interesting and very different city. Would love to go back in 20 years time to be able to see how much it has developed. A couple of tips if you ever want to go....
-You don't need to bring very much in the way of Lei, it is cheap out there. Admittedly I made a decision not to drink when I was over there, but I don't think it would make much difference. I took £150 worth with me. Probably only needed £100 max
- If you are using the metro, you can get a multiple journey ticket which will save you a fair bit of money. I think it was 10 Lei (£2) for 10 trips.
- There is no map of the metro, so plan your route before you go
- You don't need to know Romanian before you go, but if you can pick up a couple of words it helps
- If you like trawling through duty free, the airport is in Euros. Make sure to bring Euros as well as Lei
- If you want traditional treats to take home, there is a carrefour supermarket that will have it all for the best price

The balcony of our hotel room

Also, my recommendations:
* La Mama is the main chain of Romanian food if you want something traditional (cabbage rolls are particularly nice)
*Capitol Hotel is where we stayed. Brilliant location to be able to explore the city, and good value for money
* Patisseries. Everywhere. Do it.
* Hard Rock Cafe in Herastrau park is brilliant. Would recommend going for their lunchtime menu if you want a good deal

Time to now plan Budapest!

What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

Catching up and a new year

So I went to Berlin for the Christmas markets, and had a fabulous time with good friends.
Was pleasantly surprised that they had gluten free bread at my hotel, and felt fine, so will be trying gluten free and see how I get on.
My main worry was that dreaded seatbelt. I ended up easily putting it on, with room to tighten it as well, which really was a great boost.
Over Christmas and new year, I have definitely relaxed my eating, and felt much better for it within myself. I have tried to up my water intake, hopefully that will counteract some of the rich foods Christmas brings with it.
My first appointment with Katie this new year is tomorrow. I am expecting a gain after Christmas, so won't beat myself up about it, as I know that I can lose it just as easily again.
I will be able to get back to Zumba this week as well, which will be tough to start with. I am definitely looking forward to the challenge though.
Haven't made any new years resolutions this year, but hope that I can carry on my progress throughout this year.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year, and hope this year brings you joy and happiness.

Preparing for a Relaxing Christmas

Well I've had a little break from the blog at the moment. Life has been so busy, and I hadn't seen Katie for three weeks to be able to update with progress.
I have also been feeling down at the moment. I think with winter setting in, and not really seeing any daylight, it really does drag you down.
When I saw Katie on Friday, I told her how I've been feeling, and she just said to enjoy myself, and enjoy Christmas, and I'll see her in the new year.
I feel so much better knowing that I have the nod so to speak, and whilst I won't be going mad, I will be able to relax a bit.
What really did hit home to me though was a new thought process with food. 'Do I really need it?' and 'Is it worth it?' are new phrases I will use with food. Now I can visibly see the improvement in my body it is even more relevant.
I have also reached one of my goals I started out with, to feel more comfortable with the aeroplane seatbelt.
I will be going on my trip to Berlin next Friday, and don't need to worry about that anymore.
My visits to Katie will be changing too. I will be coming in every other week now, and will have my measurements taken as well, so if I haven't lost weight, I can still see I might have lost inches.
For now though, I will be looking forward to the Christmas party, and being with friends and family at one of my favourite times of year.
Maybe the odd bit of stollen too... :p

What you put up with

It is funny what you put up with for so long.

As you well know, I have been dealing with these tummy problems for ages, and am doing my food diary and a tummy diary, to try and find a pattern.

Looking through the diary, ready for Monday, has made me realise what I have put up with for so long!

Virtually every morning this week I have woken up feeling ill. Two out of the four days, I have felt unwell during the day. Only today, I have woken up feeling fine, and have had no negative tummy problems so far.

I think partly you only realise that you are unwell when you see the evidence with your own eyes, and how it affects you as a person. I think also hindsight is a wonderful thing. The times when I thought I was fine when I wasn't show up more, because you truly feel better physically and within yourself.

Not all bad eh :P

One of the times that really sticks with me was when I went to Corfu this year on holiday.

For the first day or two I felt ok, but as the week carried on, I was feeling really ill with my tummy, and as a knock-on effect was becoming quite irritable. Thankfully, my partner understood and helped me through.

Looking back, I was very unwell, but carried on; I was just determined to have a good time on holiday.

I think sometimes we forget the problems aren't just to do with health. The knock on effects can affect your loved ones as well.

I want to be able to be better for myself obviously, but also for my partner. He has been that support for quite a while, and when it is sorted it will never be forgotten.

So here's to all those who look after their loved ones, because truly, you are amazing! x

Vivir la vida loca!

Yesterday was such a turning point, and such a positive day for me.
I was reading this book just to give a slight change from reading 'Wild swans', and it really changed my mindset when it came to men, and how I live my life.
I have always loved dancing, so this book really appealed to me. It showed me that a man should be deserving of me, as well as the other way round. I should not always accommodate men, that they have to work equally hard as I am prepared to work.
For me, it gives perspective. I deserve a man who will put me as a top priority, who will make the effort and treat me right.
I have always been the 'accommodater', the one who would sometimes make so much effort for the man, and get nothing in return. Looking back at my last relationship, I was so happy to be in a couple, ignoring all the warning signs of his bad behaviour towards me, because I was in a relationship. I have realised that it is better to be single, to be available for the right man, than put up with a bad relationship. To quote the book concerning finding the right guy:
'I walk down the street, I fall down a hole. It takes me forever to figure out how to climb out. I walk down the street, fall down a hole, this time I know how to get out. I walk down the street, I walk around the hole. Next time..I walk down a different street!'
I am walking down a different street now, one where a man has to deserve me to obtain me. Yes, I do make an effort, but I expect him to do the same. I will have a partnership of equals, not me being the submissive woman. In the same token, I will not put myself in that role. If a man tries to put me in that role, it's 'Sayōnara' and onto greener pastures.
In another way, the book has rekindled my wanting to travel. I want to see the world, I want to experience different cultures. It's not that I don't love England, I do! I think that not having a passport, (something I have also been sorting out) made me feel very constricted. I got some travel brochures for Cuba, so hopefully this will placate me until I have the money to go. My -slightly warped- thought process is that if I can save for a holiday, I won't be spending money, helping me save. It'll take me a good couple of years for me to save, which is the time I need to be the most frugal anyway.
I felt yesterday was going to be a positive day. I feel that today is going to be me putting things at rest. I'll be going to the gym, getting my last bits of lush goodies before the discount goes, and going to the tweenies meal.
In my way, I can put the lush job to rest, and keep the friends that I made in the process.
Now I've found my gorgeous shoes, (after some serious praying!) I can get ready to go out and enjoy the tweenies meal. I know that people will be moaning about something, but I have to stay out of it. I am determined to enjoy this meal!
 Time for me to do something with my day- have a good weekend! x