What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

Trying new brands + becoming an ebayer!

After watching Plus Sized Wars, I seemed to be going nuts for clothes, starting my own instagram (fluffy_rach) and decided to try yours clothing and see what is there.
Being a sale fiend, I decided to try a couple of belts and some patterned harem trousers. I found the sale stuff very reasonable. In comparison to what you can spend on plus size clothing, most things were a reasonable price.
The order came through pretty quickly, in time for a night out with my work friends.
My only worry was that all my weight is around my tummy. I wore a waist nipper just to flatten the area, so the material skimmed over.
I got no complaints of me looking awful, so I assumed I looked fine ;)
I felt so confident, and would definitely recommend a pair.
Having free returns now is also helpful. As for the belts, I would need to go up a size.
I used to get quite upset if things didn't fit me in my 'usual' size, but really sizes don't mean anything. As long as you are happy with what you see in the mirror, that is all that matters.

I have a couple more purchases in the pipeline, including a fabulous dress I bought off ebay, but I musn't show that one off yet! Definitely inspired by Georgina Horne of Fullerfigurefullerbust. That is all I will say.
After starting a major fashion clear out, I have decided to start ebaying some of my stuff. I certainly work in the right place, so am having fun watching my items get bid on!
Just so happy that these pieces will go to a home that will truly enjoy them.
Hopefully I won't buy too much with the money I get :p x

Feeling a bit more daring

I have been starting to feel more confident in myself whilst I have been on my weight loss journey. Being able to cook the meals from scratch means that I control what goes in my mouth. I definitely could see the results when I went to Katie today. In two weeks I have lost 5 pounds, and in total lost 10cm in measurements.

What I hadn't realised until recently was that I had lost my daring side in recent years. When I was at college, I remember having a crazy dress sense, wearing more daring clothes, because I felt much more confident in myself.

I have found a brilliant facebook page a week or so ago: Plus size for sale, swap or wanted.

It has given me the push I needed to put some of my clothes for sale, but also gave me the opportunity to buy clothes at cheaper prices. 

A recent topic that has come up on FullerFigureFullerBust about clothes whilst you lose weight. Should you buy expensive clothing whilst you are going down the dress sizes, knowing that you won't fit into it soon?

This facebook page has alleviated that problem that will be arising soon. I can still get beautiful clothes, without spending a fortune all the time. It doesn't mean that I won't ever shop again, (anyone who knows me knows this can never happen!) but does mean I don't have to break the bank if I don't want to, and also potentially give the clothes to a new home once I have finished with them.

I made my first purchase on here earlier this week, deciding that I want to get back to my more daring self again, seeing these and fell in love with them.

The jeggings came in the post yesterday, and couldn't wait to wear them today! When I first left the house, I was nervous about people and their reaction to me. Then I realised that I didn't really care. I felt fabulous in my jeggings, and that was all that mattered.

I feel that I am getting back to my old self, both in body and mind. :)

Looking on the plus size

Well it has been a pretty busy weekend!

On the Friday, I went to Katie to have my weigh in, and have lost 4 pounds over two weeks, which I am very proud of.

My latest goal is to lose 4 pounds before Christmas. I deliberately set it lower so I wouldn't feel downhearted if I stayed the same one week. Coupled with feeling better about the aeroplane seatbelt, I will have a brilliant trip to Berlin.

My favourite part of this weekend has to be my audition for Ms Curvaceous.

I was so nervous in the morning, and there were so many moments where I was changing my mind whether I was going or not.

I am very lucky that my boyfriend was very supportive, that he was able to guide me in the right direction without pushing me.

Strangely, once I knew I was definitely going, it was like the air lifted, and was focused and determined to get this right.

I went to it to gain the confidence, and be around other women who are considered plus size.

I realised that actually I had so much more confidence than I thought, and was strutting my stuff down that runway! I now really hope that I do end up becoming a finalist, because I feel that we really do need a more diverse selection of models.

I would love to be able to represent my apple shape to the fullest, but I will have to wait until December to find out.

With some of the brilliant girls I met- Selfie!

One of the best parts about the day was the people I met. The people who coached us were fantastic and gave brilliant advice to all of us there. The girls who were auditioning with me were also fantastic, and understood all too well the problems with the fashion and plus size industry.

We want to see every body be represented. From skinny to supersize, to pears, apples, lollipops, hourglasses, the petite and the tall. Everyone.

I have realised that it is up to us to change it. We need a wider variety of models, we need to stop this body shaming, and not accept the media's portrayal of a 'perfect body'.

I have now learnt that every time I look at myself, I should be proud. This body is alive, can do an hours Zumba class, can walk for miles, can duck low branches easily, and most of all, can be beautiful.

We are beautiful. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

Appreciating the support

I have been doing my lifestyle change for a little while now, and have been feeling mixed emotions.

Partly I am very happy, because going to Katie every week to see my weight falling shows I am moving in the right direction. I am also losing weight quicker than I did before, which is a very pleasant change.

The other problem I have though is related to my previous attempt to get healthy.

I was going to the gym at least three times a week (because I wasn't working at the time), and trying to be healthier in my food choices. People really noticed the change in me, and would regularly comment on me losing weight and looking smaller. It really helped to carry on motivating me.

I found that I had fallen out of love with the gym, and fell in love with Zumba, and started to prefer classes. I have now found a Zumba instructor that really motivates me, and who doesn't judge me.

Now though, I have to try and fit my classes around my work life.

This is much more difficult, but I have found that I have got into a routine with my Tuesday evening class, but fitting in the other two I find more of a problem. Will definitely make a concerted effort to get at least two workouts a week, and build it up from there.

I am very lucky to have my supporters. Those who understand the food issues and give me tips, those who have gone through weight loss already, and the online community- Georgina Horne and her followers of FullerFigureFullerBust, helping me with bra fit advice whilst losing weight, and following Georgina's weight loss journey and lifestyle change.

From Pink Clove, worn with Maidenform top 

It has been great this week because I have had the first person notice my weight loss! It made me so happy that the work I have been putting in can actually be seen, through my body changes.

It made me feel so confident that I went out in my jumpsuit for Saturday, for my work colleagues' leaving do's.

In the past, I would not have worn this outfit. I would have been too scared of my apple shaped body to have left the house.

Yesterday evening though, I felt fantastic. I think it showed, because I felt so much happier in myself, and could stand tall(er) feeling proud of my body. 

I am getting there, both with the weight loss and the confidence.