Coping with Mental Health

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have been struggling with my mental health since before Christmas. My anxiety was back with heated avengence. This followed after I lost my job with severe depression. I got put on tablets to help, but they gave me bad headaches. I then got put on other tablets. They are starting to work. I'm being referred for high intensity CBT.
One of the best things though would have to be my best friend coming to see me this weekend. It was so refreshing. I got to show the work I have done to my flat, got the travel frames up, went to the cinema, had a girly night. Honestly one of the best weekends I have had in a while.
If you ever don't know what to do when your friend has mental health issues going on, do that. It is a blessing.

Also something that has really helped is to have a proper pamper. I have cleansed, toned, face mask, moisturised. I have had a bath with a bath bomb, salts, body scrub and body lotion. I feel so much calmer and relaxed. Giving yourself a pamper is definitely good for the soul. You are worth spending time over.
Whilst I am no closer to finding a job, I feel more positive. I have wonderful friends who care about me. I feel beautiful by spending time on myself. My sailor will be back in 5 days.
Life will get easier.

Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

Rachel Update and new beginnings

A lot has happened since I first started this blog. A lot has happened since my last blog post. I was in a very low point in my life. I was lucky to have the support of a few close friends around me. I went to India. I became a new woman. I became an independent lover of life. I was happy just being by myself. I started to truly heal the wounds of 2017.
2018 has really truly been a year of new starts. I started working as a violin teacher, which has truly been a goal to use my degree to its full use. I went back to an old job that I absolutely loved. I started a new job. I realised that money definitely helps, but having a job that makes you happy is what matters. I have realised that I really am truly good at my jobs, because I actually enjoy what I am doing.
I went to Vietnam and Cambodia in August with my oldest friend. I feel so lucky to have had that experience. I feel so lucky to be able to explore my love of travelling. Vietnam and Cambodia also made me realise that you can have anxiety, yet still be really brave. Though I was a complete mess before I went with my anxiety. I am so proud to say that I was one of the bravest people on that trip. I completed the Chu Chi Tunnels. Only 3 out of 13 of us did it. I faced my fear of heights, and went to a Sky bar in Saigon. After the initial fear, I ended up really enjoying the evening. I wasn't going to let my fear stop me from doing it though. I also ate tarantula, scorpion, and cricket. It's like I did all my worrying before my holiday, so I could be completely free of it whilst I was there.
I have also got on to the property ladder. I am still trying to get everything sorted out, but I am getting there. I have been getting frustrated that it isn't organised yet. I want it to be perfect. I keep being told though that it really is one step at a time. It will be fine. I have also noticed that I have been starting to trust my own judgement when it comes to decisions in my house. I know what I want, and I just want to be able to see my vision through.
Another development is that I have a new man in my life. I am really happy that they are in my life, I am just getting used to being with someone who is in the forces. There is so much to try and learn and understand. The way I think is the more I understand, the more it helps the relationship.
He is away now for 7 weeks, and this is the longest time I have spent away from him so far. But not just away, without proper communication as well. I know that deployment is going to be much longer (more like 6 months), but I have found it a bit difficult. When you are with someone in the forces, partly having that reassurance from them really helps. In the end though, you really have to know for yourself that they care about you. Not just that, but that you care about yourself.
I try and look at the benefits. It gives me the freedom that I always crave. I get to truly enjoy being by myself in my flat. I get the time to myself to sort through everything in my own time. I get time to be with my friends.
I also had some brilliant advice from a friend who was in the army. It is better to make the most of what you have together, try to not worry about what could happen later, or if something could change. Life is short. Enjoy it!
I probably will end up writing in this blog more often now, as I have found being able to write down my thoughts has really helped. It may not be all the time, but I'm just going to use it to be able to just write down how I feel, and if other people in the same position want to connect and chat, please feel free! It would be great to talk to other people in the same situation!

What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

Plus Sized Wars- My Thoughts!

I have been so excited to watch Plus Sized Wars on Channel 4, ever since I saw Georgina Horne from fullerfigurefullerbust promoting it on her facebook. I was intrigued to see what spin channel 4 would take on the plus size market.
On the most part I think it showed that women of all sizes deserve beautiful clothing, but I do feel that some things need addressing.
The interviewer question about Tess Holliday- 'Do you think she is sexy?' Do you ask that about every woman he books? No, because you don't book a model as to whether you would want to have sex with them or not. His personal preferance is his. I found it insulting, because it was implied that because she isn't the 'norm' that it isn't normal to find her sexy either.
The typical 'are you promoting obesity/unhealthy lifestyle' question. No. It is not promoting obesity. Do you know what IS promoting obesity? Supermarkets having whole aisles dedicated to sweets, biscuits, chocolate, cake, takeaways, alcohol and cigarettes, with special offers left right and centre. Now let me get something straight. I am a strong believer that you can eat everything to be healthy, however it is about how much you eat, and the exercise that you put in as well. For people to believe that they can judge someone straight away purely by what they look like is a bit stupid.
If you wrote down what I ate, and then what some of my friends ate, and got people to guess who had which diet, you can bet your life they would chose my body for the worse diet. Most of the time it isn't the case at all. Some people just seem to be able to eat crap and 'get away with it'. They never get questioned on their life choices though! Why? Because their body fits the type that society has decided.
I think frankly what you do with your body is up to you. No one truly knows your health apart from you and your doctor.
Whatever size you are, you deserve to feel good about yourself, and deserve to have gorgeous clothes. Also, if you do so happen to want to lose the weight, then actually someone body shaming makes it less likely that you will lose that weight. This question is basically just subtle body shaming, implying you don't deserve nice clothes until you are smaller.
I noticed that they didn't air them asking the bloggers those questions. They would have been smacked down quicker than you can say 'obesity epidemic'.
The last thing, which I think is a travesty is that they did not mention Velvet D'Amour or Volup2 magazine! This woman has paved the way for plus size fashion and acceptance, with walking on JPG at Paris Fashion Week. Paris. One of the fashion centres of the world. Volup2 prides itself in acceptance for all!
She wasn't even introduced at all for who she is. I think that shows total disrespect for what she has done for us all.
I think on the most part though, I'm glad that the bloggers were shown for being fabulous as they are, and I think it also showed how fickle the modelling industry is. $_$

Hitting the Wall

I went in for my weigh in today, and have lost a pound. I'm not sure how I feel about it though.

I think I have hit the wall. I think it has something to do with feeling like I am being pushed.

I don't want a target for how much to lose before Christmas, I just want to be told when I have reached my next milestone 1/2 stone and stone.

To be honest, I wasn't going to beat myself up if I had gained weight over Christmas, because hey, don't we all!

I want to be healthier, yes, but equally I don't feel that I am allowed a break once in a while. I am starting to have a better understanding of what is good and bad for me, and I feel like I have found a nice method that I am gradually losing weight with. I do need a break though. I want to be able to treat myself, and not have to watch everyone else eat all the food I love and me abstain.

I think I also have been putting myself down over the fact that everyone else seems to be losing weight much quicker than me.

Please don't think that I don't wish my friends well, I am very proud of them and their successes, but I want to see their change too.

To a certain extent I can see it, and the changes are slowly happening, but just not as quick as others. This could be down to the fact I have PCOD, but it is still frustrating.
I decided after my weigh in to go out shopping for my foods for lunch, as the boredom makes the naughtier things creep in.
Hopefully this change in my routine will help build up my mood again and carry on.

What a Gaga Weekend!

Well this weekend has been amazing for me, as I have been to my very first live popular music concert, and watched Lady Gaga at the O2 arena in London!

With a nice dose of pointless :P

I have always liked Lady Gaga, so this has been a long time coming, after I couldn't get tickets for her last tour.
I was able to go with my best friend from uni who I haven't seen in a while, so it was brilliant to catch up with her and just have lots of fun :D
We obviously had to dress up, especially after seeing some of the brilliant outfits we saw people wearing for her tour so far. We weren't alone in dressing up, but equally we were in the minority, which was a shame, but hey ho.
What really did strike a chords though was how I didn't feel so nervous or self-conscious about this. I think it did help that I had my friend there with me, but I think partly I am just happier in myself.
I don't feel half as unwell as I used to, I am losing weight, and for the most part am starting to build my confidence.
The bit that I remember before the concert was when we were queuing up to get in. There were girls who dressed up as Where's Wally, (which was brilliant by the way) but otherwise it was just us.
I was starting to get a little self-conscious and nervous, when I noticed a family queuing with their children. The dad was staring at my outfit, I noticed him and smiled, and he gave me a friendly thumbs up. That was the moment I really felt at ease, because I think partly we all like to be accepted, and I realised no-one else really cared apart from me. These people didn't judge me, either on my outfit or my weight, and that was refreshing as well.
Maybe it is the fans of Lady Gaga. She really does have such a wide fan base, and she promotes acceptance in everything that she does, which I think feeds into her fans.
She was absolutely amazing, and did songs from all her albums, it was just such a brilliant show.
Here's hoping that acceptance becomes a part of everyone's lives, not just the few.