Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Bucharest- The (slightly late) round up

So I know this is a bit late off the mark, but I promised myself a year of travel. I also promised myself to keep the blog up to date a bit more often, so here goes.

So did my first trip of the year with my uni queen to Bucharest. Now I have done a city break or two before, but I found this very different from any other I have been to.
Firstly I was very lucky that the friend I went with used to live in Bucharest, so we could basically say what we wanted to do throughout the holiday, and he would plan the route/day as to where everything was. Also handy as he knew the city, we didn't get lost, and could speak fluent Romanian.
The other part of the trip I found was very different was how Bucharest seemed to be a city of opposites. You would have some beautiful buildings, and then another moment a derelict building. The poor and the businessmen/women. The traditional Romanian food, with the big chains dotted around the city. It added a different charm to the place, a very unique touch that I haven't got from other places I have been to.
Day One
After an early start, we got to Romania about 1:45, and spent the day getting round Romania, enjoying our fabulous hotel (I will take full credit for our brilliant hotel. Just saying.). I tried traditional Romanian food, and getting a general feel for the city. You do notice the tale of opposites in this city very quickly. We went out again that evening to use the metro for the first time, to wander round the shops and get some supplies. Very handy having a shopping centre shut at 10pm. Also they do nice macarons. Just saying.

My queen enjoying the sun <3

Day Two
Got a lot of stuff done this day. Went to the Natural History Museum, (word of warning: you have to pay to take photos. Don't get caught out.) Ventured out to Herastrau park, where we just chilled out and enjoyed the 22C sunshine. Stuffed our faces full of gorgeous food at lunchtime, visited my friend's old flat, went to the white church, and hung out at the Romanian Atheneum. We didn't bother venturing too far out for dinner, as apparently I had to try this meal at KFC, and we had been pretty busy throughout the day.
Day Three
Went to the History of Romania Museum, where we spent nearly two hours wandering around, enjoying learning about Romania. One of my favourite things is learning, especially about places I am travelling to. My favourite museum in the city. Enjoyed eating Italian food in the sunshine, and wandering around finding little bits to take back for the family. I had also been looking at all these gorgeous patisserie's throughout the city, and finally gave in to temptation and tried some baked treats. Nom. That is all.
Day Four
On our last day in Bucharest, we were able to go out early after breakfast for a last wander around, buying from the patisserie, getting those last minute souvenirs, and stumbled upon a handmade and antique market. Bought some beautiful handmade jewellery, a good reminder of the trip and a unique way to remember Romania.

All in all, Bucharest was an interesting and very different city. Would love to go back in 20 years time to be able to see how much it has developed. A couple of tips if you ever want to go....
-You don't need to bring very much in the way of Lei, it is cheap out there. Admittedly I made a decision not to drink when I was over there, but I don't think it would make much difference. I took £150 worth with me. Probably only needed £100 max
- If you are using the metro, you can get a multiple journey ticket which will save you a fair bit of money. I think it was 10 Lei (£2) for 10 trips.
- There is no map of the metro, so plan your route before you go
- You don't need to know Romanian before you go, but if you can pick up a couple of words it helps
- If you like trawling through duty free, the airport is in Euros. Make sure to bring Euros as well as Lei
- If you want traditional treats to take home, there is a carrefour supermarket that will have it all for the best price

The balcony of our hotel room

Also, my recommendations:
* La Mama is the main chain of Romanian food if you want something traditional (cabbage rolls are particularly nice)
*Capitol Hotel is where we stayed. Brilliant location to be able to explore the city, and good value for money
* Patisseries. Everywhere. Do it.
* Hard Rock Cafe in Herastrau park is brilliant. Would recommend going for their lunchtime menu if you want a good deal

Time to now plan Budapest!

What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

Adventures of this week

Well this week I went to Riga with my bestie, and it was my birthday yesterday! 

I would definitely recommend a visit to Riga, with its beautiful buildings, great museums, and fab restaurants. The people were absolutely wonderful, always helping us out when we needed it. Felt a bit sorry for this poor woman in the orthodox church, me trying to ask if I could buy incense, with the weirdest hand gestures, at least she saw the funny side!

We were lucky enough to be there during Riga Restaurant week, being able to have fab three course dinners for 15-20 euros!

I also let the hotel know in advance that I was gluten free. I got given rice cakes to replace the bread, which helped a lot.

Have to say on the most part ate pretty healthy out there, as salad and soup is big on the menus. I haven't eaten as well this week as I could have, but I know I will work extra hard next week. I am just grateful I did zumba at least once ;)

My birthday was yesterday, and was lovely to have a nice relaxed day, seeing all my family at some point in the day. I decided this year being my first gluten free year, I would make my own birthday cake. My poor poor friend having to deal with me asking constant questions, as I was determined to get this right. 

I used a spin off recipe from a new blog I found called hungry hinny- Recipe here. I decided to change the recipe slightly, as I am not a fan of coffee, and wanted to use up some cranberries. I also didn't have a food processor to hand, so had to improvise. All good fun!

I also make the rookie mistake of trying to whisk the icing sugar straight away. The mess I made...

I think the end result was fab if I say so myself, and was proud it was light and fluffy- something I found difficult with gluten free flour.

I have some improvements to make in the future, but right now I am happy I had a cake I could eat and everyone else enjoy as well!

I am sure I will get better at it in the future, mainly so I don't have to bug people with inane questions. Obviously I won't be doing much practicing, as I'm trying to be good. At least I know I have this cake in the repertoire, which will definitely come out in the future.

Would love to hear about more gluten free recipes, and try some out if you have any :D

My poor aching body!!!

I have definitely given my body a good workout these past days! Yesterday, I started pilates, and worked out straight after. This morning, I had a weigh in- I have officially lost a stone! :D I then worked out for half an hour, and then did a Zumba class straight after. Worn out is an understatement. I really enjoyed adding in the classes though. Pilates won't be to do with losing weight, this will be to do with my posture, my core muscles, and my strength. Zumba will be burning those calories, help get some stamina for the Race for Life, and having a good dance in the process! Hopefully adding in these classes should help to lose the weight a bit quicker.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am losing weight, but I feel that I can push myself to lose the weight quicker. By my next weigh in, hopefully more weight will of come off. I put my latest chart on the fridge, to remind me of all the good progress I have made :)

I'm thinking of buying these shorts (as a well done present to myself) that have gone on sale from ASOS, but due to lent will have to wait if I want to buy them. Damn you tempting sale! I do love ASOS though. Yes, I would prefer they didn't have a separate section for plus size women, but the clothes that they sell are not all potato sacks, and are working with the latest trends. It is so hard to be plus size and fashionable, but ASOS is a godsend. Fingers crossed they will still be there when I can buy them (or if someone else wants to get them for me, I won't complain or anything ;) ).

Tomorrow I will be going to France for the day. The crib cruise (that should more aptly be named 'the booze cruise with a bit of cards') is something I've done ever since I was little, and have only missed two in the whole time it has been running. It isn't to go over to France and sightsee- there just isn't enough time to do that- but I have so many stories and funny memories of previous years. I am mainly just looking forward to getting out of the country for a bit, and to use my passport. Hopefully my French will suffice for when we are over there. One year before I got a comment from one of the men (who was very drunk) about how I've gained weight. I took it very personally. Hopefully this year no comment will be made about my weight, but if so, I will tell them how I've been doing, and tell them they should try the workout I did over the past two days! I won't wilt, hopefully I will stand tall and defend myself with dignity.

So as they say over there, au revior! x

AUDITION!!!/North of London Syndome

Yesterday, as you could probably tell, I was having a right tantrum. Today just seems to bring amazing opportunities my way.
I finished an application for Halfords, handed it in, and got a phone call at about 5pm asking me for an interview on Friday, (thank you Neil for putting in a good word!!). I have applied to go touring with a indie/gypsy band round the UK and mainland Europe, which will probably include Austria, Germany, and Switzerland. For me this is an opportunity for me to see the world, (well, some of Europe at least). I have been to France, the Canary Islands, and Zante, and I am so desperate to visit more- and my orchestral director in Chichester is fine with it, which means I won't be in the doghouse before I start university again! I got a message from them back asking me to email them, and I've got a flipping audition!!! AHHH!!! :D
I have applied for the pageant, as it isn't exactly going to be bad for my self esteem (and I get a sash :D).

A resolution -which is admittedly very late- that I have made today is to swot up on my geography. Yesterday I was talking to my friend from Manchester, and I really showed how bad I am at geography north of London. I like to call this 'North of London Syndrome', commonly referred to as being a southerner. I know where virtually everything is south of London. I even know the London Underground, but you take me past London and I get all confused :S
 I always thought it was just quite cute and nice to live in ignorance of northern geography. Lately I've been feeling like a moron. I have started my studying, (I can hear Jaymie saying "Praise the Lord!") and now know where some of the counties are, and realised that Cumbria is a county, not a city!
Slowly but surely eh...x