A new slate

This week I have started my first week at Chichester University. It has admittedly been confusing at some times, but I am so excited to get stuck in, to work hard, and get back to my main passion!
What has really stood out has been everyone being helpful, friendly and supportive. It's nice to know that you have people that will give you a helping hand along the way. I think I was lucky that I was able to invade a year early, as it meant people already knew my face, and wasn't so much of a shock when I came bouncing into their lectures ;D
The only peculiar part of it is the fact I'm only needed at uni on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Going from full time at the Post Office, where I was working as many hours as possible, 3 days a week doesn't seem much. It is just reminding yourself that the time is supposed to be used for practice and ensembles. I think Music is one of those degrees where you do have to have a serious amount of self discipline, and motivation to be able to do well. I am excited to be able to develop these skills.
The other exciting bit of news is that I have got to the finals of Miss Real Girl 2013! (2013 Finalists) Considering that the amount of applicants for this pageant last year was 100-200, I feel extremely honoured to of got to the finals this year coming. What a difference it makes from last year, when my self confidence and self worth was at an all time low, where I was dealing with Canterbury/uni issues, and a couple of months ago I had another dip in my confidence, it's good to be able to be proud of myself again. I am very grateful to of gone into Miss British Beauty Curve this year, because it showed me that there are so many other curvy, beautiful women out there, and I can be one of them. This year coming, I'm going in with a different attitude. Ever since I went to Southsea Fashion Week, it has driven me to want to see women of all shapes and sizes on the catwalk. I want people to see that they will be represented, whatever your body type. I am not going in just for myself anymore. I am going in to prove one point. We are all beautiful.
On a different note that sums it all up, I went into Lush today, to get get some little things, and did the emotional brilliance wheel. The first thing it said was that I was happy. In all honesty, I don't think I have been so happy in quite a while. My professional career is back on track, I have gained confidence in myself, my personal life is good, got to another pageant final, and have a good support system, holding my hand every step of the way.
So my message is to trust yourself, because it will all come out right in the end. x

Feeling accepted

So yesterday I went to Southsea Fashion Week's Haute Couture and Avant Garde shows. I wore my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash, and found a fabulous designer- Gerli Liivamagi. Her designs were breathtaking, and in St Peter's Church, it was so haunting. I will definitely be bugging her to make the dresses for my size ;D (http://www.gerliliivamagi.com)
What I also loved was the response that I got from people on the night. I was a bit worried about wearing my sash at first, especially as plus size is such a taboo in fashion, but what I got from so many people was smiles. To feel accepted on my first public outing was such a confidence boost for me, and in the interval, I bumped into some of the models, who were beautiful inside and out, and met Miss Portsmouth Popularity who was modelling that evening.
I hope that in my little way, I showed that plus size is prevalent in fashion. I think the fashion world is moving closer and closer to accepting people of all shapes and sizes, and it just needs a spark.
It is going to be a difficult week for me, being my mother's anniversary. But I have made a promise to myself, that this bank holiday every year, I will do something new, and that way, it'll feel like she is with me every step of the way, that she isn't missing out on everything in my life. This year, it was the fashion week. I think she gave me the courage to go out there and wear my sash.
So mum, this one is for you. x

I love fashion, but will fashion ever love me?

As many plus women out there will know, it is very difficult to get the latest fashions, and to shop in the highstreet. Granted, there are many shops that do cater for us, and some who give us a special plus size range, but so many like warehouse and topshop to name a few, don't cater for the plus size woman, and doesn't intend to.

Velvet d'amour at Paris 2006

 I have seen so many plus size women start to break the boundaries in fashion (with velvet d'amour being a great example) that it has given me hope. We need to challenge the version of 'the norm'. We need to make it a necessity for us to see real women on the catwalk, not just the token plus size model here and there.
I will be attending Southsea fashion week this weekend, which is my local city, and the city I represented for Miss British Beauty Curve 2012. I am very excited to go, not just to see all the beautiful designs, but a little birdy told me there are a couple of plus size ranges in there. It makes me proud to call myself a pompey lass, and gives me reason to think that fashion will truly love plus size women one day.
So if you are at the haute couture and avant garde shows this weekend, come say hello! :D x

One step at a time

I have found out that I have unofficially got a job now! I am so thankful, because I was finding it so draining being on Jobseekers. It is ironically so much easier to get another job when you already have one, so fingers crossed I can get a bar job to give me more hours. I also had my first blood test yesterday, which is not what I considered very fun to say the least. It had to be done by one of the doctors as I have really awkward veins, and had to have it done twice because something went wrong the first time. In the end they had to take it out of my hand, which I didn't really mind, or care frankly. I was just grateful that the doctor and nurse were both really nice, and both really empathetic. They were having banter, which ironically calmed me down a lot :)Anyhoo.... on to better subjects!
The pageant is definitely having a good effect on me, and on my confidence generally. I went to the gym yesterday morning, and thought I'd bring my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash with me to show my friend, when the girls dared me to wear the sash whilst working out. I felt a bit of an idiot at first, but then people started commenting saying well done, and generally being supportive. I got used to people staring at me. I normally find it hard to deal with people staring at me, because it makes me feel self-concious. I am starting to realise that getting attention can be good, as long as it's the right attention, aka no guys grabbing at me (you can look, but can't touch!). The fact I did that simple little thing gave me a well needed boost. I also can't seem to stop strutting around the place as if it's a catwalk! I'm sure that I won't go into arrogant territory, I gotta stop thinking that confidence is arrogance or cockiness. It's a good trait!
So here's a good song to reflect my mood (and my walking! :P)

The day of reckoning (aka pageant times!)

Yesterday was the day of the pageant (I would of wrote it last night, but frankly too tired).

5:30 am- got up to prepare

8:10 am- left house for the train

8:30- am got on train

10:00- got to Croydon

10:30- after a mad rush (and asking the staff from gregg's for directions,) got to the venue

11:30- started rehearsals

13:00- break

14:00- more rehearsals
15:30- interview section 

16:00- break

17:20- start to get ready

18:30- ready to go

19:30- start

21:30- finish

22:20- leave the event

22:40- got on first train

23:20- got on second train
00:20- got to my station
00:40- got home

That may not seem so busy for some people, but honestly, it was such a tiring day! 

The beginning of the day went smoothly, I had a serious moment of when I wasn't going to do it. Thankfully I snapped out of it 15 minutes later. I am so glad I did, it was such a fun day, meeting such amazing girls!

After arriving, and checking in, we were in rehearsals. The rehearsals were mainly going through the running order, and how everything would work. That for me was the most fun. I love stomping it out, and hopefully channelled enough of Tyra. The organisers/judges seemed to like it, which is all that mattered. I had some serious nerves for most of the afternoon break, but when I was out there and stomping it out, I could focus on having fun. One of the things I was most proud of was the swimwear/summer fun round. I was dreading walking out there in my swimsuit, but I did it, and feigned enough confidence that no-one noticed!

I didn't get into the top 5, but frankly, I didn't go there to win. Yes, it would of been nice, but not essential. I did win the award for being best in interview though!

Miss Weston-Super-Mare and I were walking to get to the train station, when we bumped into one of the judges (who also knew where she was going!!!), and got talking about the pageant. She said to both of us that we were in her top 5. She said that it wasn't because we were walking with her, (who knows) but apparently I was her number 4. I think that's a good achievement too.

I am very glad that I met such nice girls there too. I will admit it, I was very nervous about what the other girls would be like, but meeting them all, they were all so lovely, and most of them hadn't done pageants before either. I was the only one (that I know) who went there to build my self confidence. The rest of the girls already had it. That in a way helped boost my confidence, because it showed these women all had curves, they looked beautiful, and they were proud. When I was talking to some of them, and explaining my reasons for applying, (being a tom-boy, it would give me the chance to be girly, and to try and tackle some of my self-worth issues) they said they had serious respect for me. I hope they realise that to me, they are my role models. They helped take down another brick or two from the wall. They are what I strive to be. I may do a pageant next year, I may not. What I do know though, is that I don't need to be a stick to be beautiful. Sex appeal isn't about size, it's what you do with it.  I can lose more weight, be healthy, and keep my curves. Most importantly,

Self worth doesn't come from being thin, it comes from being you. :) x

 (the soundtrack for yesterday!)

Getting last minute nerves, good news and good fashion!

It is crazy how the pageant has crept up on me, it's tomorrow!! I'm mostly very nervous now, because I have to do girly things like hair and make up. I am appalling at doing hair and make up. A part of me is wondering why the hell I even thought about entering the competition in the first place. The other half of me knows it's nerves talking. The reason I entered this in the first place was because I wanted to take myself out of my comfort zone, to try and help me get my fire and self confidence back. Obviously I want to win, but for me, it is the experience I am most looking forward to. I think that seeing other girls/women who are size 14+ might give me a realistic attitude  towards myself. I don't need to be skinny to feel attractive. It doesn't matter how many dress sizes I lose, it's how beautiful I feel on the inside.
My friends aren't able to make it unfortunately, but it'll also be a good way to show that I can rely on myself, and do things on my own.
On another happy note, my friend has got an interview for her doctorate! I'm so proud of her, she really deserves this opportunity, and I hope she gets it.

My favourite swimsuit I found on the site

On a more fashionista topic, being plus size I find it hard to find clothes, especially clothes that don't look like a potato sack. Yes, I have been losing weight, but I'm still not there yet!
I love all the vintage clothes, and I love the vintage look. It celebrates the curves on a woman's body, which is just non-existent in modern fashion. I have found an amazing american site- http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/ that sells beautful vintage clothes, that has a really decent plus size range, including swimsuits!
It is so difficult to buy a swimsuit that will fit you as a plus size girl (as I think fellow plusies will relate). Shops either think you have no boobs-very much not the case- or that we don't venture into the water.
The swimsuit range here is from extra small to 2x. That is rare. It really looks as if it gives decent support, which again is very rare to find. The specific plus size range of their clothes are also beautiful, showing that they understand a fuller figured woman. When lent finishes, you can guess what my wardrobe might be full of!
It is so nice to see a shop that really does cater for all, hooray! Now all we need is this in the UK. Fingers crossed the website will get a UK branch soon! x

AUDITION!!!/North of London Syndome

Yesterday, as you could probably tell, I was having a right tantrum. Today just seems to bring amazing opportunities my way.
I finished an application for Halfords, handed it in, and got a phone call at about 5pm asking me for an interview on Friday, (thank you Neil for putting in a good word!!). I have applied to go touring with a indie/gypsy band round the UK and mainland Europe, which will probably include Austria, Germany, and Switzerland. For me this is an opportunity for me to see the world, (well, some of Europe at least). I have been to France, the Canary Islands, and Zante, and I am so desperate to visit more- and my orchestral director in Chichester is fine with it, which means I won't be in the doghouse before I start university again! I got a message from them back asking me to email them, and I've got a flipping audition!!! AHHH!!! :D
I have applied for the pageant, as it isn't exactly going to be bad for my self esteem (and I get a sash :D).

A resolution -which is admittedly very late- that I have made today is to swot up on my geography. Yesterday I was talking to my friend from Manchester, and I really showed how bad I am at geography north of London. I like to call this 'North of London Syndrome', commonly referred to as being a southerner. I know where virtually everything is south of London. I even know the London Underground, but you take me past London and I get all confused :S
 I always thought it was just quite cute and nice to live in ignorance of northern geography. Lately I've been feeling like a moron. I have started my studying, (I can hear Jaymie saying "Praise the Lord!") and now know where some of the counties are, and realised that Cumbria is a county, not a city!
Slowly but surely eh...x

Don't you just love a positive, productive day?

I love having a productive day. I have nearly finished my UCAS application, (which I thought was to be sent today, but realised it's by Sunday, thank goodness!) I've been looking for jobs again, so hopefully having my temporary Lush job should look really good on my CV- Lush has a good reputation for customer service. I have also decided to do the pageant in the end :D I think that I need something out of my comfort zone, and I need a bit more confidence. It also gives me a new goal with my weight loss and motivation. Just need some new photos to send off and I'll be ready!
I have been looking at some of my photos from 2011, and though it is not a drastic change, I can tell that I am losing weight. My oblique muscles were aching earlier this week, (a good sign) and I seem to have lost weight from my back, but seem to of kept my boobs! Result! I also was able to buy a size lower and fit into it as well, which was very exciting :D
I can feel that my confidence is starting to grow- at an 18th birthday party Saturday, I had so much fun dancing both bollywood and chart dancing- after a slightly shaky bollywood start- and as the evening went on (and more wine was consumed) I was feeling unstoppable, and didn't care whether I looked like a complete idiot. Yes, it may of been down to the drink, but who cares? I was confident, and I haven't felt that in a very long time.
I have also found the awesomeness which is anime! A lushie friend of mine introduced Ghost in the Shell to me, and I love it. It may not have plus size females in there, but the 'major' is the strongest of them all, in command, and kicks arse! It is good to see a truly strong female main character in a series. It defies the characterisation of women being bitches, using sex to get what they want, or on the other side of the scale, women who need a man to function. We need more strong women in the media, as most shows depict a strong woman as a bitch, which frankly is not helping at all.

What I'm trying to say very inarticulately, is that all these little positive things are helping me be more confident, more comfortable in my own skin, and who I want to be, and that can only be a good thing. x
P.S I want the major's purple hair.

Me? In a Pageant?!?

Been having a normal couple of days, then had a rather busy day today!

Dad and I were having the Monks and the Handy's round for Curry. Normally, we would order Chinese or Indian takeaway, but due to dad's hospital scare, the idea of then having takeaway seemed a bit silly! 

So Rosemary and Lesley would make the curry, and we would provide starters, rice and dessert. I had this idea of making mango cheesecake...

This was what the practice run looked like. Looked nice, though had rather a lot of cheese on top! So decided on changing how I did the recipe slightly, went terribly wrong, and thank goodness Lesley was able to fix it, putting in eggs to keep it all together so I could bake it. Dessert sorted. I then learnt how to make curry properly, and realised how incredibly easy it actually is. 

Imbetween cooking for the dinner party, going to the gym, and everyone coming round, I got a surprising message from a lady from a job website I'm on:

She thinks I would be perfect to enter this beauty pageant!

I am checking out whether this is real obviously, but the thought of being in a pageant never crossed my mind. I act like a loudmouthed trucker, who isn't necessarily a tom-boy, but not a girly girl either. I was definitely surprised when she thought I would be good!

As you probably know from earlier posts, I have been having some self worth issues concerning my body, but when this message came through, my confidence definitely shot up. I was good enough to compete against a whole load of other beautiful curvy women. That must mean that I don't look as bad as I thought I did!

It definitely is an opportunity, and I might just take it (after I checked that it is reputable), just to take myself out of my comfort zone. It also gives me a goal weight-wise to work on.

I don't believe in coincidence. There is a reason for everything, you just have to find it.

I am sure I won't be able to get a career out of being a plus size model, but it might be a good hobby and help me feel better about myself.

Hell, we only get to live once, why not enjoy it? x