What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

Trying new brands + becoming an ebayer!

After watching Plus Sized Wars, I seemed to be going nuts for clothes, starting my own instagram (fluffy_rach) and decided to try yours clothing and see what is there.
Being a sale fiend, I decided to try a couple of belts and some patterned harem trousers. I found the sale stuff very reasonable. In comparison to what you can spend on plus size clothing, most things were a reasonable price.
The order came through pretty quickly, in time for a night out with my work friends.
My only worry was that all my weight is around my tummy. I wore a waist nipper just to flatten the area, so the material skimmed over.
I got no complaints of me looking awful, so I assumed I looked fine ;)
I felt so confident, and would definitely recommend a pair.
Having free returns now is also helpful. As for the belts, I would need to go up a size.
I used to get quite upset if things didn't fit me in my 'usual' size, but really sizes don't mean anything. As long as you are happy with what you see in the mirror, that is all that matters.

I have a couple more purchases in the pipeline, including a fabulous dress I bought off ebay, but I musn't show that one off yet! Definitely inspired by Georgina Horne of Fullerfigurefullerbust. That is all I will say.
After starting a major fashion clear out, I have decided to start ebaying some of my stuff. I certainly work in the right place, so am having fun watching my items get bid on!
Just so happy that these pieces will go to a home that will truly enjoy them.
Hopefully I won't buy too much with the money I get :p x

Feeling a bit more daring

I have been starting to feel more confident in myself whilst I have been on my weight loss journey. Being able to cook the meals from scratch means that I control what goes in my mouth. I definitely could see the results when I went to Katie today. In two weeks I have lost 5 pounds, and in total lost 10cm in measurements.

What I hadn't realised until recently was that I had lost my daring side in recent years. When I was at college, I remember having a crazy dress sense, wearing more daring clothes, because I felt much more confident in myself.

I have found a brilliant facebook page a week or so ago: Plus size for sale, swap or wanted.

It has given me the push I needed to put some of my clothes for sale, but also gave me the opportunity to buy clothes at cheaper prices. 

A recent topic that has come up on FullerFigureFullerBust about clothes whilst you lose weight. Should you buy expensive clothing whilst you are going down the dress sizes, knowing that you won't fit into it soon?

This facebook page has alleviated that problem that will be arising soon. I can still get beautiful clothes, without spending a fortune all the time. It doesn't mean that I won't ever shop again, (anyone who knows me knows this can never happen!) but does mean I don't have to break the bank if I don't want to, and also potentially give the clothes to a new home once I have finished with them.

I made my first purchase on here earlier this week, deciding that I want to get back to my more daring self again, seeing these and fell in love with them.

The jeggings came in the post yesterday, and couldn't wait to wear them today! When I first left the house, I was nervous about people and their reaction to me. Then I realised that I didn't really care. I felt fabulous in my jeggings, and that was all that mattered.

I feel that I am getting back to my old self, both in body and mind. :)

Good news and Experimentation

Went to see Katie today, and feel very proud that I only gained 2 pounds over the whole Christmas period! I have also had an epiphany whilst watching the hairy bikers/dieters last night. It felt so nice to see others who had the same problems with food, but found a fab way of being clever with their food choices. It really has given me the motivation to up my game, and keep going with the hard work.
One of my favourite recipes from yesterday was the lasagne. Instead of using pasta sheets, they used leeks! It is ingenious ideas like that I need, so that I can still enjoy food and not feel like I'm missing out.
I got given a brilliant book for Christmas, giving me brilliant inspiration for new healthy, yet tasty recipes.
As I have the week off, I thought I had might as well try out some recipes whilst I have the free time to.
I am getting the whole family involved (including my Mr. Fussy :P), and hopefully they will like the recipes too. For me, I find getting everyone involved gives you the support you need when you are feeling low, frustrated, or craving certain foods.

This was dad's portion, so there
was more couscous

Tonight, I made sticky chicken with mango couscous. Really easy recipe, and nice and quick. Handy if you don't have much time to prepare a dish. It could also be altered in different ways to bring variety.
Not sure what to try for the rest of the week, but I'm sure I will find some more brilliant ideas from the book, online, and from family and friends.
If you have any ideas, let me know! x

What a Gaga Weekend!

Well this weekend has been amazing for me, as I have been to my very first live popular music concert, and watched Lady Gaga at the O2 arena in London!

With a nice dose of pointless :P

I have always liked Lady Gaga, so this has been a long time coming, after I couldn't get tickets for her last tour.
I was able to go with my best friend from uni who I haven't seen in a while, so it was brilliant to catch up with her and just have lots of fun :D
We obviously had to dress up, especially after seeing some of the brilliant outfits we saw people wearing for her tour so far. We weren't alone in dressing up, but equally we were in the minority, which was a shame, but hey ho.
What really did strike a chords though was how I didn't feel so nervous or self-conscious about this. I think it did help that I had my friend there with me, but I think partly I am just happier in myself.
I don't feel half as unwell as I used to, I am losing weight, and for the most part am starting to build my confidence.
The bit that I remember before the concert was when we were queuing up to get in. There were girls who dressed up as Where's Wally, (which was brilliant by the way) but otherwise it was just us.
I was starting to get a little self-conscious and nervous, when I noticed a family queuing with their children. The dad was staring at my outfit, I noticed him and smiled, and he gave me a friendly thumbs up. That was the moment I really felt at ease, because I think partly we all like to be accepted, and I realised no-one else really cared apart from me. These people didn't judge me, either on my outfit or my weight, and that was refreshing as well.
Maybe it is the fans of Lady Gaga. She really does have such a wide fan base, and she promotes acceptance in everything that she does, which I think feeds into her fans.
She was absolutely amazing, and did songs from all her albums, it was just such a brilliant show.
Here's hoping that acceptance becomes a part of everyone's lives, not just the few.

The Lemon Drizzle Cake Theory

Well, today has been one of those days.
One of the ladies brought in a wonderful lemon drizzle cake, and after I resisted the ginger biscuits yesterday, could not quite resist a slice, especially when everyone else was enjoying it. (Thank you Kirsty, it tasted yummy :) )
I think temptation is one of those things- what is one person's temptation, isn't another person's. I think also resisting is a technique you get better at with time. If you are used to saying 'yes' to all that food then it is harder to resist, but the more you get used to saying no, the easier it becomes. Now I am not saying that I say no to everything, as the drizzle cake shows, but I am learning to be a bit more picky in the treats I have. It is a long process, and in time, I might even say no to cake more often, but my thought is that denying yourself of everything just makes you want it more. Having that little amount of something you really enjoy isn't a bad thing.
Obviously though, my stomach thought something was a bad thing today! I have been trying to swap my lunch and dinner sizes around to try and help my metabolism and my digestion. As I had an hour lunch, I thought I'd go out and have a main meal- within 20 minutes of finishing, I felt absolutely appalling, and after my evening tea as well. The problems don't bother me so much though, because I know when Katie sees my food diary, it should be another piece of the puzzle.

Feeling proud in my shirt:)

After all these problems with my stomach, I wanted to see the positives of everything going on with my body. I had this work shirt which I liked, but didn't wear often because it was tight around my boobs and waist. I tried it on this evening, and had no trouble at all! It makes me feel so proud of the work I have been putting in to change my lifestyle and feel healthier, inside and out.
So tomorrow, I will be wearing my shirt with pride, knowing that I can do it :)

Body Matters 2

I had a real shock when I was walking round cascades portsmouth. I saw a photo booth that had virtual plastic surgery!!! Maybe I'm making too much of a deal, but I was genuinely shocked to see that, especially with the image of a teenager's face.
We wonder why young people, (and older people alike!) have issues with their bodies, why we as humans cannot accept ourselves for how we are. I think people are so used to seeing these types of things it becomes commonplace. How is virtual plastic surgery going to make you feel better about yourself? If anything, it is going to make you feel worse. This is the same with airbrushing. How is getting rid of your natural shape going to make you feel better? I understand if for example, you are on your period and have oily skin/spots. This is a temporary problem.
I had a photoshoot in March, and I enjoyed myself, and felt for the first time in ages that I was really confident in myself. One of my very good friends from Canterbury is a whiz with graphics, and with photo artwork. She did some wonderful artwork to these photos. Some photos though, it made me feel really bad about myself.

This is the original photo from the photoshoot. I know I have some imperfections, but I was able to look past this and realise what a beautiful photo this was. It also made me realise that I should show off my legs a lot more!!! ;)

This photo was the one my friend did for me. A beautiful background, and I adore the artistic touches of the moon and music. What I don't understand though is why my hair had to be lighter, (I don't mind the blonde taken out, as it isn't natural) why I needed to not be so pale, why my face looks different, why all the fat has gone from my stomach, and why the dress has been made longer to hide my legs. This isn't me. I cannot connect with this photo. If anything it made me feel really low about myself. It showed that I wasn't good enough. It showed I wasn't acceptable. I know I sound very harsh towards my friend who did this. I didn't bring it up at the time, as I didn't want her to feel like I was throwing it back in her face. She did this for fun, and for my benefit. It is a wonderful photo, just not me.

This is the same photo as the top one, with just some artistic lighting. This I love. It is simple, yet keeps the old feel of the original photo.

This is another of her photos.

This photo she has not changed anything from the original print, but has made one of the most beautiful backgrounds I have ever seen. All she did was put some make up on my face. I feel beautiful when I see this photo. All these wonderful things around me, and I still can be a focal point of a photo.
My point though, is that we do not need airbrushing, or plastic surgery to make us beautiful. We are god's creation. This is how we are supposed to be. If we were perfect, we would be an angel up high.