The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x

Fashion Surprises!

Maybe it is just me, but I am someone who is a fiend for a bargain. Whilst I have some outfits that costed a fair bit of money, most of my clothes are from the sales. 

I just don't see why I should spend so much money on outfits, especially at this point where I am losing weight, and clothes might not fit me at some point soon. 

I didn't go out today to buy clothes at all, if anything I am having a clear out, but I couldn't let these go amiss. Black jeggings are my staple as an apple shape. As fellow apple shapers know, jeans will swamp your legs, whilst jeggings will show off what you have.

I came across this pair from none other than Lidl! Yes, Lidl! and at £4.99 I could not resist.

They are slightly tight at the top, but that will just be a little incentive for me to carry on with my weight loss journey.

So it just goes to show, you don't always need to go to the expensive shops to be able to buy nice clothes. 

Good news and Experimentation

Went to see Katie today, and feel very proud that I only gained 2 pounds over the whole Christmas period! I have also had an epiphany whilst watching the hairy bikers/dieters last night. It felt so nice to see others who had the same problems with food, but found a fab way of being clever with their food choices. It really has given me the motivation to up my game, and keep going with the hard work.
One of my favourite recipes from yesterday was the lasagne. Instead of using pasta sheets, they used leeks! It is ingenious ideas like that I need, so that I can still enjoy food and not feel like I'm missing out.
I got given a brilliant book for Christmas, giving me brilliant inspiration for new healthy, yet tasty recipes.
As I have the week off, I thought I had might as well try out some recipes whilst I have the free time to.
I am getting the whole family involved (including my Mr. Fussy :P), and hopefully they will like the recipes too. For me, I find getting everyone involved gives you the support you need when you are feeling low, frustrated, or craving certain foods.

This was dad's portion, so there
was more couscous

Tonight, I made sticky chicken with mango couscous. Really easy recipe, and nice and quick. Handy if you don't have much time to prepare a dish. It could also be altered in different ways to bring variety.
Not sure what to try for the rest of the week, but I'm sure I will find some more brilliant ideas from the book, online, and from family and friends.
If you have any ideas, let me know! x

Preparing for a Relaxing Christmas

Well I've had a little break from the blog at the moment. Life has been so busy, and I hadn't seen Katie for three weeks to be able to update with progress.
I have also been feeling down at the moment. I think with winter setting in, and not really seeing any daylight, it really does drag you down.
When I saw Katie on Friday, I told her how I've been feeling, and she just said to enjoy myself, and enjoy Christmas, and I'll see her in the new year.
I feel so much better knowing that I have the nod so to speak, and whilst I won't be going mad, I will be able to relax a bit.
What really did hit home to me though was a new thought process with food. 'Do I really need it?' and 'Is it worth it?' are new phrases I will use with food. Now I can visibly see the improvement in my body it is even more relevant.
I have also reached one of my goals I started out with, to feel more comfortable with the aeroplane seatbelt.
I will be going on my trip to Berlin next Friday, and don't need to worry about that anymore.
My visits to Katie will be changing too. I will be coming in every other week now, and will have my measurements taken as well, so if I haven't lost weight, I can still see I might have lost inches.
For now though, I will be looking forward to the Christmas party, and being with friends and family at one of my favourite times of year.
Maybe the odd bit of stollen too... :p

Hitting the Wall

I went in for my weigh in today, and have lost a pound. I'm not sure how I feel about it though.

I think I have hit the wall. I think it has something to do with feeling like I am being pushed.

I don't want a target for how much to lose before Christmas, I just want to be told when I have reached my next milestone 1/2 stone and stone.

To be honest, I wasn't going to beat myself up if I had gained weight over Christmas, because hey, don't we all!

I want to be healthier, yes, but equally I don't feel that I am allowed a break once in a while. I am starting to have a better understanding of what is good and bad for me, and I feel like I have found a nice method that I am gradually losing weight with. I do need a break though. I want to be able to treat myself, and not have to watch everyone else eat all the food I love and me abstain.

I think I also have been putting myself down over the fact that everyone else seems to be losing weight much quicker than me.

Please don't think that I don't wish my friends well, I am very proud of them and their successes, but I want to see their change too.

To a certain extent I can see it, and the changes are slowly happening, but just not as quick as others. This could be down to the fact I have PCOD, but it is still frustrating.
I decided after my weigh in to go out shopping for my foods for lunch, as the boredom makes the naughtier things creep in.
Hopefully this change in my routine will help build up my mood again and carry on.

Appreciating the support

I have been doing my lifestyle change for a little while now, and have been feeling mixed emotions.

Partly I am very happy, because going to Katie every week to see my weight falling shows I am moving in the right direction. I am also losing weight quicker than I did before, which is a very pleasant change.

The other problem I have though is related to my previous attempt to get healthy.

I was going to the gym at least three times a week (because I wasn't working at the time), and trying to be healthier in my food choices. People really noticed the change in me, and would regularly comment on me losing weight and looking smaller. It really helped to carry on motivating me.

I found that I had fallen out of love with the gym, and fell in love with Zumba, and started to prefer classes. I have now found a Zumba instructor that really motivates me, and who doesn't judge me.

Now though, I have to try and fit my classes around my work life.

This is much more difficult, but I have found that I have got into a routine with my Tuesday evening class, but fitting in the other two I find more of a problem. Will definitely make a concerted effort to get at least two workouts a week, and build it up from there.

I am very lucky to have my supporters. Those who understand the food issues and give me tips, those who have gone through weight loss already, and the online community- Georgina Horne and her followers of FullerFigureFullerBust, helping me with bra fit advice whilst losing weight, and following Georgina's weight loss journey and lifestyle change.

From Pink Clove, worn with Maidenform top 

It has been great this week because I have had the first person notice my weight loss! It made me so happy that the work I have been putting in can actually be seen, through my body changes.

It made me feel so confident that I went out in my jumpsuit for Saturday, for my work colleagues' leaving do's.

In the past, I would not have worn this outfit. I would have been too scared of my apple shaped body to have left the house.

Yesterday evening though, I felt fantastic. I think it showed, because I felt so much happier in myself, and could stand tall(er) feeling proud of my body. 

I am getting there, both with the weight loss and the confidence.

Slowing Down a Bit

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not blogging this earlier. I have been rather ill since Monday, still not quite 100%, but a lot better than what I was :)

I had my weigh in with Katie, and have lost another pound, which I am very happy about. It may seem only small, but they say that actually you are more likely to keep the weight off when it is slow and steady weight loss.

I am so near that stone loss now, I could smell it, and after I feel better, I will get back on the horse. 

Not that I am doing awful, but I find my resistance against ice cream and chocolate is not so good.

Proving I can still pose whilst ill.

I have been advised to stay off the bread still, and start having more pasta in my diet. I think this is to try to rule out things like wheat and gluten from being problem areas. I have had pasta for both lunch and dinner, as I didn't have time for breakfast, after my cold routine this morning. I have always believed in natural remedies to be the main cure for problems, so I have been steaming with Olbas oil, and drinking and hot honey and lemon water. 

Health wise though, I definitely think that stress is a big factor to me being ill at the moment. I have let a lot of little things really bother me at the moment, and I think it has built up to me getting myself ill. At least I am slowing down a bit more, and listening to my body. Will be back at Zumba next week, I promise!

A Step in the Right Direction

Well, I had my weigh in today. Was quite nervous, because of the gain last week.
The weight I gained last week is back off! A good step in the right direction :)
I also showed Katie my food diary, and from the looks of things, it could be bread being my main foe tummy wise. This week I am not going to eat bread, and then if I feel better, introduce it slowly, and see if it has any effects.
Fingers crossed it is bread, and I can adjust my foods and go from there. Hopefully it is that simple.
One thing we did touch on today was that stress does have an effect on weight loss.
If I get stressed, I find it has a negative effect on my eating, especially what I eat.
I do wonder though whether stress does have a negative effect on your health as well. I always thought that when people said these things that it was a load of baloney. Thinking about it now though has me thinking: what if they were right?
When I think about it, when you are stressed, we know that it increases things like your blood pressure. Why wouldn't it affect the rest of your body?
This week I am going to try and take it easy, and see whether that also has an effect on my tummy. It might not, but it'll at least help my blood pressure!
It should still have a positive effect on my attitude and my mood. I think sometimes I need to learn to not let things get to me. Those things I can't change shouldn't get me so down or stressed. You can only control your actions, so just make sure that those are good ones.

The Lemon Drizzle Cake Theory

Well, today has been one of those days.
One of the ladies brought in a wonderful lemon drizzle cake, and after I resisted the ginger biscuits yesterday, could not quite resist a slice, especially when everyone else was enjoying it. (Thank you Kirsty, it tasted yummy :) )
I think temptation is one of those things- what is one person's temptation, isn't another person's. I think also resisting is a technique you get better at with time. If you are used to saying 'yes' to all that food then it is harder to resist, but the more you get used to saying no, the easier it becomes. Now I am not saying that I say no to everything, as the drizzle cake shows, but I am learning to be a bit more picky in the treats I have. It is a long process, and in time, I might even say no to cake more often, but my thought is that denying yourself of everything just makes you want it more. Having that little amount of something you really enjoy isn't a bad thing.
Obviously though, my stomach thought something was a bad thing today! I have been trying to swap my lunch and dinner sizes around to try and help my metabolism and my digestion. As I had an hour lunch, I thought I'd go out and have a main meal- within 20 minutes of finishing, I felt absolutely appalling, and after my evening tea as well. The problems don't bother me so much though, because I know when Katie sees my food diary, it should be another piece of the puzzle.

Feeling proud in my shirt:)

After all these problems with my stomach, I wanted to see the positives of everything going on with my body. I had this work shirt which I liked, but didn't wear often because it was tight around my boobs and waist. I tried it on this evening, and had no trouble at all! It makes me feel so proud of the work I have been putting in to change my lifestyle and feel healthier, inside and out.
So tomorrow, I will be wearing my shirt with pride, knowing that I can do it :)

Finding the Positives

I went to go see Katie yesterday for my weekly weigh in and looking at the food diary. Had a weigh in, and gained two pounds. This is the first week I have gained weight, but then it didn't come as a shock. I haven't eaten so well and started exercising again, so the combination of both could have contributed. I know though that I can get it back off, so I'm not so upset about it as I would have been a while ago.
The main focus of my session this time was stomach problems I have been facing. I have been feeling unwell for a while now, and my doctor kept fobbing me off, saying that it is my weight. I felt so alone, because no-one seemed to want to help me with my problems. Now I have someone there, supporting me each step of the way. I feel it is such a weight off my mind now, and has pushed me to be able to keep motivated.
I am carrying on with my food diaries, but now have to add in when I don't feel well, and the exact symptoms I have been having. That way I will find the source of the problems, and as a result, should lose weight easier.
Why my doctor couldn't have done this earlier, I'm not sure. Hey ho. I have to now forget the problems my doctor has caused/change doctors, and I think that will be another chapter shut.
Anyhoo, I am off to Zumba, so have a lovely evening, I definitely will! :D

Catching up and being a loser again

It really has been too long since I have blogged, so will fill you in!

-I now have my degree in music (II:i), which I am very proud of, and have made some brilliant music friends/contacts in the process.

-I have a full driving licence, making life sooo much easier!

-Went on holiday with my Dad and brother to Turkey (

-And of course, that Ice Bucket Challenge!

My biggest change though, has been quite recent. I have been seeing two ladies at my doctors regarding my weight. This was after I had a bad run in with my doctor, who decides that every problem I have is because I am fat, and my boyfriend (who she has never met) is a feeder who "likes to keep his chubby girlfriend chubby".

Not very nice.

The girls who have been helping me, Chloe, and now Katie, have been the complete opposite- supportive, caring and give me good tips foodwise. They have made me keep a food diary, which I recommend to everyone, because you don't truly realise what you eat until you write it down!

After about 2 months(ish) I have lost 10 lbs, and feel so proud of myself!

I am quite nervous about my weigh in tomorrow though- went out to eat with the work girls last Friday, went away for the weekend, and had a takeaway this Friday, so not my healthiest, hopefully going back to Zumba after the summer break, with a fair amount of walking helped to combat that. Either way, I am starting to feel better with myself, and happier, and lucky to have my loved ones there supporting me every step of the way.

My next goal is to feel better about the seatbelt on a plane. It seems a bit of a strange goal to have, but I feel I really need to believe in myself more, and believe what the scales are telling me. 

I had such a panic when I went away on holiday last time about the seatbelt fitting, I couldn't really properly get excited about the flight and the trip for worrying about the seatbelt. 

My next trip away is to Berlin in December for the Christmas markets, and don't want to feel like that again. I'm enough of a worrywort as it is!

Also, I don't want to ruin my friends' trip with me harping on about the seatbelt of all things.

Hopefully we'll be too excited by the markets, and the Christmas atmosphere :D

Who wouldn't be excited to drink mulled wine/hot chocolate and go shopping???

So here goes..!

One step at a time

As you know from my earlier blog posts, I had been finding it really difficult to get back to the gym. 

Thanks to some help from my friends Danny and Abi, I am back on track to where I want to be.

I had my weigh in today- I was pretty nervous, I hadn't had a proper weigh and measure for a while, so it felt like my first one all over again. I had nothing to worry about, I've lost 8lbs and 5 1/4 inches! That is such a big step forward for me, having the feeling that I really am getting somewhere. I have some serious determination, and my fighting spirit back, and it's seeping into other areas of my life- I had work after the gym today, and I am really enjoying it. 

Hopefully this weight coming off will help with my issues of self worth. If I am being honest I don't really think much of myself, I worry so much about what people think of me, I get paranoid, and when I look in the mirror most days, I feel ugly, and disgusted by what I see. I know that I have to focus on the good things about me, but it's hard. When you are at that low point, you can't see the good in you, and you can't believe what others say to you either. If I heard one of my friends say this to me, I would show them this picture. Maybe I should listen to myself more often. 

Before I open another tin of worms, I should stop. So on that rather random note, I wish you all a very good week. x

Getting Back to Normal

It's been very mixed couple of days this week.

I have felt very proud of myself that I have got myself back in the gym- I have got back up to my 3x a week regime and I feel so much happier about myself. I am trying very hard to eat healthily again as well. It isn't a 'diet', because a diet implies it's temporary. It's not. I hate it when people say it is as well. I hate it when people judge me by what I eat as well. Focus on what is going in YOUR mouth, not mine!! 

Yesterday was a bit of a down day for me- my bus was half hour late, therefore making me late for work. Considering I have to prove myself to have a chance of staying on as permanent staff, it doesn't help. I also had a really pervy customer, and it made me feel really awkward and cheap. Lush crew helped me a lot, and I really owe them, they were so kind and caring :) (and Dan getting me some hot twins defo cheered me up! :P)

I do feel that I am starting to prove myself at work now though, and if anything, I am finding that Lush is the best sort of therapy :)

Having the early morning shifts during the week is also really good to help me get up early in the morning, and really appreciate when I have a lie in. I think having a structure is really good for me, and I think having a job helps me as well. Lets hope I can keep the job! If not, then I hope I would of made some awesome friends on the way :) x

Climbing back up by my teeth

I have been finding it really difficult lately. My downs have come back, and I feel like I'm bothering everyone if I ring them and explain what's going on with me. I still want help, I just can't ask for it. It has made me lose my motivation, and I feel that all my hard work has been for nothing weight wise.
I am trying to get help though. I am with the italk service, which helps me a lot. I had a chat with my councellory person and she says it sounds like seasonal affective disorder (SAD for short). I now have to get a special lamp. (for some reason I'm rather excited by this prospect. Mainly because I could solve problems with a lamp!...)
One of the other issues I have been dealing with is opening up to people at Lush. I think they are all awesome and lovely folk, but I can't seem to open up, and it makes me act all strange, something I don't understand myself.
I think it's mainly me not opening up about my mum and nan dying. (with the added thing of trying to prove myself)
I used to open up to people so easily, and now? I am scared that telling them, they would pity me, and judge me differently, and tell everyone (which is what happened for the most part in Canterbury). On the other side, I won't be able to be myself until I tell them. After the chat, I feel that I have the courage to tell a very select few about my circumstances, so when I am next in, I will be opening up.
I have had other help today as well. A friend in Canterbury has been writing a new blog about his weight loss. His new blog post definitely struck a chord with me today. Want to throw in the towel? Is very close to home at the moment. I have stopped going to the gym lately. It was originally because of my back problems that I had. After that though, I have lacked motivation and drive to go. Danny made the point that the first step is the hardest, and as long as you are making short steps, you are still making progress.
I now feel that I can get myself back on track, and I honestly have him to thank. It's been a low day for me, but also productive (for a down day). I will get through this. I just have to realise that I can't do everything at once, tis all.
x