Getting Back to Normal

It's been very mixed couple of days this week.

I have felt very proud of myself that I have got myself back in the gym- I have got back up to my 3x a week regime and I feel so much happier about myself. I am trying very hard to eat healthily again as well. It isn't a 'diet', because a diet implies it's temporary. It's not. I hate it when people say it is as well. I hate it when people judge me by what I eat as well. Focus on what is going in YOUR mouth, not mine!! 

Yesterday was a bit of a down day for me- my bus was half hour late, therefore making me late for work. Considering I have to prove myself to have a chance of staying on as permanent staff, it doesn't help. I also had a really pervy customer, and it made me feel really awkward and cheap. Lush crew helped me a lot, and I really owe them, they were so kind and caring :) (and Dan getting me some hot twins defo cheered me up! :P)

I do feel that I am starting to prove myself at work now though, and if anything, I am finding that Lush is the best sort of therapy :)

Having the early morning shifts during the week is also really good to help me get up early in the morning, and really appreciate when I have a lie in. I think having a structure is really good for me, and I think having a job helps me as well. Lets hope I can keep the job! If not, then I hope I would of made some awesome friends on the way :) x

Climbing back up by my teeth

I have been finding it really difficult lately. My downs have come back, and I feel like I'm bothering everyone if I ring them and explain what's going on with me. I still want help, I just can't ask for it. It has made me lose my motivation, and I feel that all my hard work has been for nothing weight wise.
I am trying to get help though. I am with the italk service, which helps me a lot. I had a chat with my councellory person and she says it sounds like seasonal affective disorder (SAD for short). I now have to get a special lamp. (for some reason I'm rather excited by this prospect. Mainly because I could solve problems with a lamp!...)
One of the other issues I have been dealing with is opening up to people at Lush. I think they are all awesome and lovely folk, but I can't seem to open up, and it makes me act all strange, something I don't understand myself.
I think it's mainly me not opening up about my mum and nan dying. (with the added thing of trying to prove myself)
I used to open up to people so easily, and now? I am scared that telling them, they would pity me, and judge me differently, and tell everyone (which is what happened for the most part in Canterbury). On the other side, I won't be able to be myself until I tell them. After the chat, I feel that I have the courage to tell a very select few about my circumstances, so when I am next in, I will be opening up.
I have had other help today as well. A friend in Canterbury has been writing a new blog about his weight loss. His new blog post definitely struck a chord with me today. Want to throw in the towel? Is very close to home at the moment. I have stopped going to the gym lately. It was originally because of my back problems that I had. After that though, I have lacked motivation and drive to go. Danny made the point that the first step is the hardest, and as long as you are making short steps, you are still making progress.
I now feel that I can get myself back on track, and I honestly have him to thank. It's been a low day for me, but also productive (for a down day). I will get through this. I just have to realise that I can't do everything at once, tis all.
x