Drag and Lush- the best medicine there is.

So after a really rough start to the year, this week has been one of the most healing of weeks I could have.
I am on new drugs that do make me very numb and very spaced out. The only way I can describe to people who haven't been on these types of drugs, is that its like having emotional blinkers. Your body doesn't allow you to feel your emotions to the fullest, especially the bad ones. It also unfortunately gives you a bigger appetite. Not exactly great when you are trying to lose weight, and maintain the weight loss that I currently have at the moment. So I have decided to give myself a bit of a break. Not be very bad as such, but just ride the food storm through. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more, and really top up on the free foods, speed and protein.
So whilst on my first week of tablets, I had a night out already planned to go see Trinity Taylor and Aja from Ru Paul's Drag Race season 9. I am a major Trinity Taylor fan, and the minute I saw she was coming to the UK I jumped at the chance to get tickets, and get to meet her afterwards as well. So I bought two tickets assuming I would be able to find someone free to go with me.

Divina De Campo

Well that never happened. So I thought no, I am still going to go. I am not missing out on the opportunity to meet my queen. I also really needed to get away from everything for a night. Do things by myself.
In the end, I watched Judy at the Arts Theatre for the matinee (definitely go see it. Amazing show.) and then went back to my hotel to get ready to go back out. I could feel I was on the verge of a panic attack, so rung my best friend, who made sure I got my bum to the gig.
I am so glad I went. I was so anxious going by myself, but once I found the room it was all going on in, I was able to calm down and attempt to enjoy the evening.
Got to see Divina De Campo as our host to start with. Very quick on her feet with the crowd, and the voice. Heard her do Barcelona. Stunning. Was able to get really near the front for all three queens.
I always knew I was going to love Trinity. So nutty I loved it. Aja made me a fan that night. Her lipsyncing is stunning. I was just in awe the whole time.
Getting to meet them afterwards and getting Trinity to sign my merchandise was just the cherry on top of the cake. They were both so sweet and kind.
I was just so proud of myself that I was able to go by myself and rid myself of my demons for a night. I felt like my meet and greet was my reward.
I would definitely recommend going to a holy trannity run show as well. So well organised, and so well thought out as well. Every base had been covered. I would definitely go again, and do intend to if any of my favourite queens were local to me again.
The other part of my London trip was my spa treatment at King's Road Lush. I got some spa treatments when I used to work for the company, so it's nice that I get to use them after I have left. I have always heard such good things about the comforter, and I was able to get a last minute appointment. I don't believe in coincidence. It really felt beautiful to feel properly pampered. To feel completely calm (especially as I had a mild panic attack on the tube on my way there), and feel like I was in the right place at the right time. It gave me so much clarity of my present situation. Sometimes you really have to go through a rough patch to be able to learn from your mistakes; to learn what you will and won't accept, to realise how strong you truly are, to know that everything will be ok in the end. At the end of my treatment, my wonderful therapist actually random acted me. All you lush workers know how much that means. I will be going back there soon for my hard days night treatment, and can't wait to book it in.
After my treatment, I decided to go out for lunch before heading back home. I received a wonderful message from someone who went to the show after seeing my instagram post from the night before.
Random acts of kindness kept me going and persevering throughout the day. I didn't have a panic attack on the tube on the way back. It's the little things.
So I suppose in the end, I want you to know that words make such a difference in people's lives. Make sure they are good ones.

Before I conk out...

I have a serious exercise today! A very short jog this morning (6:45 no less!), gym at 10, then after looking after my brother (he had an inset day today. Yea I dunno why it was in the middle of the week either.) I went back to the gym for a zumba class at 7. My muscles are a bit confused by the experience, but it was a good day. I got to have a lush bath, and relax for goodness knows how long. I think that is a great treat, and if it wasn't for my catarrh coming back YET AGAIN, I would know I smell pretty damn good.
I am in a very relaxed state/tired early for once, and apart from a lady at zumba who tried to patronise me-in a tone you would speak to a child- going "Oh don't worry, you'll get the hang of it soon" when frankly zumba is one of the only things sport-wise I'm actually good at, and she was getting most of the moves wrong, I'm all good. That is such a small speck on my day though.
One thing I have realised though, is that North of London syndrome (refer to earlier blog if you haven't come across the term- North of London syndrome) runs in the family. I was looking up a north of London map to help my poor geography skills, again, read the last blog for details, and I was looking at Liverpool and Manchester, and my brother comes out with "Manchester is in Scotland, right?"
Even I know that Manchester is not in Scotland. Oh dear.

I think my facebook map will shed some light. I have travelled to/had more photos taken in other countries than I have in the north of England. I haven't ever been to the neighbouring countries of the British Isles either. Oh dear.
 Hopefully travelling up to Old Trafford, and the Millennium stadium for the Olympics will help. A little. At least I am trying, right?
Anyhoo, back to the point. I am looking forward to doing my usual pilates and gym tomorrow, I just gotta hope this catarrh will bugger off before choir.
Fingers crossed! x

Lenten Promises

It's the beginning of lent, and you might be giving up something for it. Dad gives up alcohol every year. Jaymie is giving up chocolate and alcohol. Jen just the booze. Me? I thought I would give up something different this year.

A couple of years ago, I gave up chocolate, and it grew into junk food general. I know that if I want to, I can give up any of those things for lent. I just wanted to do something I've never done before. I'm giving up wasting my money irresponsibly. It may sound like such a little thing to you, but to me? It's going to be difficult. I am bad with money. I am definitely a lot better than what I was before, but it is still an issue with me. I don't keep proper tabs on my money at all. It will be good to see how much money I could save during lent, mainly just to prove to myself that I can do it. I think it will also make me question what I think is important. Is going out with my friends irresponsible money-wise? Is going out for a drink wasting money? I don't think I will be a recluse for the whole of lent by a long shot, but it will make me realise; I can save money and see my friends.

A good example was when I went to go see the lush girls today. I gave myself a limit to what I could spend. I still had a great time with them, but just didn't spend much (especially with the 20% discount at Sakura, my new favourite restaurant. NOM.). 

Going out with them doesn't need a price tag, because it was so good to see them in the first place, and that is what friendship is all about. 

I really value the friendship I have with them all. They are all so unique, so different. We all have different passions, but all so friendly, kind and caring. From a musicians point of view, I find it really nice and refreshing to not always talk about music. I love all my musician friends dearly, but coming from university, where all my friends were musicians, it's nice to have that change.

Anyway..the long and short of it, please don't get offended if I suggest cheap nights in/sound like a cheapskate. It's just my Lenten promise. x

Vivir la vida loca!

Yesterday was such a turning point, and such a positive day for me.
I was reading this book just to give a slight change from reading 'Wild swans', and it really changed my mindset when it came to men, and how I live my life.
I have always loved dancing, so this book really appealed to me. It showed me that a man should be deserving of me, as well as the other way round. I should not always accommodate men, that they have to work equally hard as I am prepared to work.
For me, it gives perspective. I deserve a man who will put me as a top priority, who will make the effort and treat me right.
I have always been the 'accommodater', the one who would sometimes make so much effort for the man, and get nothing in return. Looking back at my last relationship, I was so happy to be in a couple, ignoring all the warning signs of his bad behaviour towards me, because I was in a relationship. I have realised that it is better to be single, to be available for the right man, than put up with a bad relationship. To quote the book concerning finding the right guy:
'I walk down the street, I fall down a hole. It takes me forever to figure out how to climb out. I walk down the street, fall down a hole, this time I know how to get out. I walk down the street, I walk around the hole. Next time..I walk down a different street!'
I am walking down a different street now, one where a man has to deserve me to obtain me. Yes, I do make an effort, but I expect him to do the same. I will have a partnership of equals, not me being the submissive woman. In the same token, I will not put myself in that role. If a man tries to put me in that role, it's 'Sayōnara' and onto greener pastures.
In another way, the book has rekindled my wanting to travel. I want to see the world, I want to experience different cultures. It's not that I don't love England, I do! I think that not having a passport, (something I have also been sorting out) made me feel very constricted. I got some travel brochures for Cuba, so hopefully this will placate me until I have the money to go. My -slightly warped- thought process is that if I can save for a holiday, I won't be spending money, helping me save. It'll take me a good couple of years for me to save, which is the time I need to be the most frugal anyway.
I felt yesterday was going to be a positive day. I feel that today is going to be me putting things at rest. I'll be going to the gym, getting my last bits of lush goodies before the discount goes, and going to the tweenies meal.
In my way, I can put the lush job to rest, and keep the friends that I made in the process.
Now I've found my gorgeous shoes, (after some serious praying!) I can get ready to go out and enjoy the tweenies meal. I know that people will be moaning about something, but I have to stay out of it. I am determined to enjoy this meal!
 Time for me to do something with my day- have a good weekend! x

Why hello 2012!

I am so very happy to see in the new year. 2011 has been an interesting year, with for me some significant lows, but also positive movement in the right direction. I will remember that I started my weight loss in 2011. I will remember the fact that I rebuilt my friendship with a now very good friend of mine.
For me, the 31st of December was so refreshing, looking back at it. I didn't get the Lush job in the end. Looking at it now, I realised that it was probably a very good thing. I really loved working at lush, but it wouldn't of been the same, as I wouldn't of been with my closer friends. I think in a way if I kept the job, I think I would of got stuck in a rut. It wouldn't of been Lush's fault obviously.
I went to a family friend's party gathering for new years celebrations. It was really fun to not get drunk, to play quizzes and charades. In a way I feel that I am maturing into an adult, making my own decisions, and making a path for myself.

New years day at church was half full, (I think everyone was still recovering from the night before :P) but a nice short service, and a normal day.
When dad and I were travelling to asda, we heard on bbc radio solent about an astrologer on the show, helping us with our 2012 futures.
I always have been interested in astrology, but I sometimes don't always think it's right. I somehow got to the end of the show, (BBC iplayer radio solent) and she was saying things that were surprising me. Very spooky indeed, especially as she was mentioning insecurities that I never talk about with many people at all.
She was mentioning me in a relationship, and it has firstly given me hope that I will not always be alone. In a sense, I feel that I don't need any new years resolutions, I just need to trust myself.
Whether or not you trust/believe in astronomy, just trust yourself, and you will always get through whatever battles or troubles you have.
Happy new year guys! x

Getting Back to Normal

It's been very mixed couple of days this week.

I have felt very proud of myself that I have got myself back in the gym- I have got back up to my 3x a week regime and I feel so much happier about myself. I am trying very hard to eat healthily again as well. It isn't a 'diet', because a diet implies it's temporary. It's not. I hate it when people say it is as well. I hate it when people judge me by what I eat as well. Focus on what is going in YOUR mouth, not mine!! 

Yesterday was a bit of a down day for me- my bus was half hour late, therefore making me late for work. Considering I have to prove myself to have a chance of staying on as permanent staff, it doesn't help. I also had a really pervy customer, and it made me feel really awkward and cheap. Lush crew helped me a lot, and I really owe them, they were so kind and caring :) (and Dan getting me some hot twins defo cheered me up! :P)

I do feel that I am starting to prove myself at work now though, and if anything, I am finding that Lush is the best sort of therapy :)

Having the early morning shifts during the week is also really good to help me get up early in the morning, and really appreciate when I have a lie in. I think having a structure is really good for me, and I think having a job helps me as well. Lets hope I can keep the job! If not, then I hope I would of made some awesome friends on the way :) x

It's the little things...

Today, and the last couple of days have been giving me new opportunities by the minute!
I found out at student loans that both my years at Chichester uni will be fully funded, which is a good weight taken off my mind.
I got back to the gym yesterday. Big achievement for me, as I have recently neglected the gym. It felt even better to of gone to the gym with Abi today- it's good to have someone there beside you, quietly pushing you on. (Thank you for all those people who have helped get my sorry arse to the gym :D )
I've been talking with my advisor, and been given some real help as to how to deal with my panic moments, and to release some of the tension building up.
I have work tomorrow, which I always enjoy, and the time I can test my panic theories. I get paid on Friday, and cannot wait to get monies, get my ticket to the cascades partay and let loose!
Slowly, my life is turning back into the positive times in September.
I also had a good facebook clear out. Getting rid of those friends of whom I will never speak to, (but wish the best obviously) and those complete dicks that I didn't get rid of soon enough. This feels like a clean slate, getting rid of some of the negativity, and replacing it with hope.
These little things probably seem insignificant, but these little things will make a good impact on my mood, on my outlook of things, which is very important at the moment.
Hooray for the little things :D x

Never giving up job hopes

I have been going through mixed emotions about jobs at the moment. I have a wonderful job at lush, (with my first shift tomorrow!!) but it is only a temporary Christmas job. The worrying reality is that I need a permanent job. BBC 3 - Up for Hire is a really good programme, looking at youth unemployment, and helping with skills needed to attain these important jobs. It has given me hope, inspiration and determination to hold my head up high, and look for those jobs. It has also helped inspire me to focus on my classical music career. A Career in Music has a really good article, helping people who want to get involved in the music business. It gives me great ideas to get work experience whilst I am at university, making great use of reading weeks that I would have during my future stay at Chichester University.
I am now going to use my time wiser when I am at home. Watch the programmes that I love, (loose women..) but look for jobs, and not just give up. Send out letters to top local orchestra's to ask if I could sit in rehearsals. Get involved with as many orchestra's as possible. Work hard to get to a good standard. Look for jobs that will keep me going, and eventually fill out my UCAS application.
Lots to do! x

Fun Filled Training :D

This evening, I had my first week of training at Lush. With normal jobs, it is the most boring part of getting the job, but lets face it- Lush isn't any other job!
We got to play with the Christmas stock and get shown how to demo products. This has to be one of the most fun jobs I have ever had, and I haven't even properly started yet! The rota is only one week in advance, so I won't have major problems with concerts etc, and as they have so many staff that can only work weekends, it means that I don't have to work Sundays. I can wear my crucifix, and as long as it's black, we have the freedom of wearing what we like, and adding colours to our outfits.
We are celebrated for being different, and having passions in our lives, which is such a nice change from my past jobs.
Another added bonus of working in Lush is that all the people are friendly and nice, as it is their job to be. Lush won't hire a grumpy type, making your job easier. Making friends is so much easier there, as frankly everyone is as bonkers as me, and all have their passions! There are so many people in the arts there as well, I feel that I can  identify with so many people :D
I cannot wait to have training next week, so I can go through all the main products, but also to see all the other 'newbies' again! We already have a Blackberry group going atm! Sad or what eh :P
We are getting our staff boxes soon, full of products that are new and/or upcoming, which is rather exciting, and get our 50% (yes, 50%) staff discount on the 25th of October, and also an evening where the newbies, plus some friends and family can have the shop to ourselves, and all get the 50% staff discount.

Let me know if you fancy coming along ;) x

<--- The store I will be working at- slightly different layout now :)

What a difference a week makes!

Last week, as shown from my last post, I was in such a negative frame of mind, and went really far down in the dumps.
This week? Had an interview with Chi uni, who will allow me to join them at second year, and in the meantime, have let me join both pops and the symphony orchestra!
Had my Lush interview, and have a trial shift, and if I do well, I'm straight on the payroll!
I have an appointment to get a new passport, which means my provisional and crb check will be a lot easier to do.
I feel so motivated to practice, (which I haven't felt for a long time) and I feel for the first time in a couple of years, that I am moving in the right direction. I needed the down to realise the up. God has given me strength to move on to the right path.
Life is moving forward :)