Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Letting some of the past go :)

So I'm back from Canterbury. It was strange, it felt half like I came home, but my anxiety, my stress shot straight back up just by being there. Canterbury felt like my home because I was around my friends. When they all leave though, Canterbury will just be a mis mash of good and bad memories. In a sense it reminds me of a friend's blog post- Star of the Reef- I am LEGEND and her time back in Canterbury. I didn't tackle nearly as much as she did, but I think I can start to close that chapter in the book, I can begin to move on.
The thing I was most proud of was when I saw the guy who tried to make my life hell. The minute I saw him, I was nervous, and my anxiety went into overdrive. I had no idea what to do, so I thought I would just smile at the whole group he was with. He was making Nazi signs, and it was at that moment I realised. Why the hell did I care? Why the hell should he be so important? And the last one- I am so much better than that. I laughed so much as soon as they passed, out of happiness, and wondering what all the fuss was about.
I hate to say it, but I see it in people who come here. They either thrive, or the city becomes poisonous. For me, it was poison. Coming home has got most of it out. I think I will always find Canterbury a difficult place to go back to, but this visit shows that I can go back on my terms, seeing the people I want to see, rather than individuals I don't want to see. If I see someone I dislike, I know I can deal with it.
On a slightly crappy note, I now have tonsillitis. I get like this when I am very busy. It has been a nice busy mainly, but it is definitely my body saying enough. I couldn't go out and enjoy the sun/go to pops today, go shopping/choir tomorrow, or work Friday and Saturday. I was also really looking forward to seeing people this week that I haven't seen in ages, (or feel like I haven't seen in ages). On the plus side, I have an excuse to eat ice cream, now I just need to convince my dad to buy some :D
 This had better go by Sunday. My church choir and a choral society are joining together for evensong, singing 'I was Glad' by Parry. It always reminds me of Cantata choir singing it at graduations, singing the second soprano part with Emma. One of the better memories of university for definite.
Well I think it's time for me to try and get better. Hope you have a great week. x

Getting on with life

I find it so hard to be at home at the moment. It's difficult to live at home, I am doing nothing this year, and I really miss my Canterbury friends.
Spending three years in Canterbury meant that most of my friends are there. I kept in touch with some of the pompey folk, but some I'm quite happy to lose. They treated me like shit. Others didn't make the same effort with me as I did them. The remaining are few and far between, and have their own lives, which don't include me any more.
I feel very alone. I rely on having good friends that I can hang out with a lot. Whether this is a stage in growing up, I don't know. All I do know is that I don't like it one bit.
The friends I keep in touch with in Canterbury are wonderful. Skype, texts, catch ups on the phone, and the odd drunken phone call (yes, that means you Benoit) are good, but it's not the same as the real thing.
For me, Canterbury is a place full of mixed emotions. I would love to go back, (and intend to soon, fingers crossed!!) but I have so many memories that I don't want, so many hard emotions there. Going there will be good to face those demons. Maybe that way I can get on with life a lot easier.

Until I am there to enjoy some good times with you, I wish you all the best. I miss you dearly, and want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you all. x