Doors Closing and opening

These past two days I have been having fantastic experiences with my graduation and the model casting. Friday was a day of doors closing, and today has been a day of doors opening for me.

Firstly, I had my graduation at Canterbury. It was such a wonderful experience, to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral, with people that I considered friends, especially being able to graduate with my best friend :) It was also a time to build bridges with people. I was also very lucky to get all three family members that came to Canterbury to be able to see me graduate. Yes, my Mum wasn't there to see me graduate, but on the plus side, she didn't really need a seat, because she was with us.
I can now finish that chapter of my life, and move on to better and bigger things. I can keep things that I enjoyed from it, appreciate the amazing people that I met, and not worry about the bad.

Today, I had my model casting for London Plus Size Fashion Weekend. This was the first time that I have ever gone to a model casting. I was very lucky to have my best friend there supporting me. At first, I found the whole thing very daunting. There were girls there talking about their modelling, and campaigns that they have done. I felt like the only one there who wasn't a professional model. At one point, I was trying to work out in my head how to get out of the place without making it look obvious, then a lady from Evolve magazine came in to ask about the reasons as to why we were doing it. That's when I started to feel comfortable and open up. I am so glad that I stayed and saw it through, because I felt the casting went really well, and got to see some of the pageant girls as well. It's nice to see that they are doing so well for themselves.
The thing I got the most out of for that casting though was what the lady from the magazine said. She said that what they are also looking for is women who are strong and confident within themselves. I didn't think that I was, but my friend sees otherwise. Then I had a breakthrough. Those people in Canterbury who tried to make my life hell, I thank them. If they didn't try and push me down, then I wouldn't of gained the strength to fight back, to push them out of my way.
What do I say now? Keep trying, because you are helping me be the best person that I can be. x

Letting some of the past go :)

So I'm back from Canterbury. It was strange, it felt half like I came home, but my anxiety, my stress shot straight back up just by being there. Canterbury felt like my home because I was around my friends. When they all leave though, Canterbury will just be a mis mash of good and bad memories. In a sense it reminds me of a friend's blog post- Star of the Reef- I am LEGEND and her time back in Canterbury. I didn't tackle nearly as much as she did, but I think I can start to close that chapter in the book, I can begin to move on.
The thing I was most proud of was when I saw the guy who tried to make my life hell. The minute I saw him, I was nervous, and my anxiety went into overdrive. I had no idea what to do, so I thought I would just smile at the whole group he was with. He was making Nazi signs, and it was at that moment I realised. Why the hell did I care? Why the hell should he be so important? And the last one- I am so much better than that. I laughed so much as soon as they passed, out of happiness, and wondering what all the fuss was about.
I hate to say it, but I see it in people who come here. They either thrive, or the city becomes poisonous. For me, it was poison. Coming home has got most of it out. I think I will always find Canterbury a difficult place to go back to, but this visit shows that I can go back on my terms, seeing the people I want to see, rather than individuals I don't want to see. If I see someone I dislike, I know I can deal with it.
On a slightly crappy note, I now have tonsillitis. I get like this when I am very busy. It has been a nice busy mainly, but it is definitely my body saying enough. I couldn't go out and enjoy the sun/go to pops today, go shopping/choir tomorrow, or work Friday and Saturday. I was also really looking forward to seeing people this week that I haven't seen in ages, (or feel like I haven't seen in ages). On the plus side, I have an excuse to eat ice cream, now I just need to convince my dad to buy some :D
 This had better go by Sunday. My church choir and a choral society are joining together for evensong, singing 'I was Glad' by Parry. It always reminds me of Cantata choir singing it at graduations, singing the second soprano part with Emma. One of the better memories of university for definite.
Well I think it's time for me to try and get better. Hope you have a great week. x

It's going well so far... :D

So I got into Canterbury at 4:30pm this afternoon, and within 30 minutes I was drinking a cocktail. Canterbury obviously has that effect on me! (In fairness, it was called a quiet Sunday..) As I didn't go to church this morning, I went to evensong in Canterbury. It has been the first time I have gone to Lutheran Vespers. I really enjoyed the fact that it didn't take Christian unity week, to bring together different denominations. I also found it very amusing that I got blanked by two people I used to know at that church. Now, I wasn't exactly expecting bunting and banners, but to be ignored in a church of all places? I find hilariously funny.

Being in Canterbury has made me realise many things. Firstly, I did have some amazing times here. I have some amazing friends here too. Secondly I really have started to mature since I left Canterbury. I don't get upset so much over the little things. I don't care that those two people flat out ignored me, because that would just ruin my mood, and frankly I have better things to do. Thirdly, I realised that I am so much happier now than what I was. Some of the friends I have seen today have said that I seem different. They said that I seem better. I really am. I only see it in myself when I'm back here. I feel so much calmer, more relaxed, and at peace.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I will be meeting friends for lunch, going to see my old violin teacher, having drinks and going to the Cuban. It all sounds very adult now. I'm sure that'll all change soon enough :P x

It's all been worth it :)

Today has been pretty darn productive- work in the morning, got home and had lunch, ordered lush retro goodies, rehearsal, and a fantastic concert! This week has been tiring, physically and mentally, but the end result tonight was pretty amazing!
We have had a guest conductor this week- Cristian Brancusi, working on Verdi- Overture “La Forza del Destino”, Gershwin- Rhapsody in blue, and Saint-Saens- Symphony No 3 “Organ Symphony”. The concert tonight was just amazing, and for me a great preliminary of what is to come of my university life. 
On the flip side, I will be heading to Canterbury for a couple of days tomorrow. It is going to feel pretty strange, as I have really made myself at home in Chichester, and it will be the first time I'll be there without being a student. 
It will be a great opportunity to meet with old friends, and to start making peace with the place. I need to start remembering all the good memories I had there, as well as the bad ones. These next couple of days will be making good memories with people I truly care about, and isn't that what life is all about?
I am really sad I won't be able to see them all in one go this time, but hopefully there will be other times. 
I also am really excited to go on tour to Guernsey with the Chi Uni Pops Orchestra. I have only ever been on tour once, and even then, I'm not sure if it really counted. I was seriously worried about the camping side (after a camping trip with my dad when I was 7 years old, and dad forgot to mention it was with a whole load of boy scouts. I promised myself I would never camp again.) Now that dad got me a pop up tent and a sleeping bag, I feel a lot better about the whole situation. Not sure how I will cope with having quick showers, but I'm sure I'll get there. I still haven't really thought about packing, but I'll sort it when I'm back from Canterbury. I'm sure it won't be the night before...
Anyhoo, I need some sleep. Night everyone, have a great week! x

Catch ups and a birthday...

I asked for one candle.
Not exactly what I meant... 

So it was kind of my birthday today. I spent most of it rehearsing with Chi Uni Symphony Orchestra, and got a rendition of 'happy birthday' from them all, which was really sweet. It has definitely made me realise I have made the right choice. People there are supportive, kind, and so helpful as a whole. Obviously the friends I made in Canterbury are equally as supportive, but it is just on a bigger scale here. My confidence in my playing is coming back, and I'm enjoying rehearsals, yet also have a good time doing it, which frankly is what music is all about :)
I have also- eventually- arranged my trip to Canterbury to see my friends. I kept saying I would be up to visit, but life kept getting in the way. I don't think I'll be visiting the music department, I think that would be pushing it a bit, but to see my friends will be amazing. I have missed them so much, and am excited to go out and pretend to still be a student for a couple of days nights, and hope my facebook will cope with the aftermath. :P It will feel strange to be out with the Canterbury crew being 22/not technically a student. For all I know, I may not be cut out to do this clubbing malarky anymore. Poor things, they must feel like they will be going out with an OAP!
I think I am just not used to being 22 yet. It has been a very grown up affair this year for the first time ever, and loved coming home to open my presents, rather than opening them in a mad frenzy first thing in the morning.
All in all, a successful birthday. Here's to being 22; another crazy year down, time to buckle up for the next! x

Really Canterbury?!?

This weekend has been a weird mix. Today I got to hang out with some of the youngun's from church- it really does make a difference to be able to be with people of the same age who are Christian. The church I go to is lovely, but I do prefer to be with people my own age if I can, as I can be a young adult again. When people have known you since you were 4, I think they find it hard to treat you the age you are.

Yesterday was pretty awesome. I got to see one of my really good friend's from uni, we went to Camden, and watched Nigel Kennedy. 

I had never been to Camden before, so for me it was really fun to experience that part of London. When you go into the markets, it genuinely feels as if you are in a different country. Nigel Kennedy was also amazing! He completely re-vamped the four seasons, using all his influences of jazz, improvisation, and polish music to make it his own. 

The other side of this weekend was finding that some people in Canterbury STILL bitch about me, even though I have gone. REALLY??? Do they really have nothing else to do in their lives but bitch about people? People who have already gone? About topics which are personal, like graduating at the same time as their year? 

Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit it, but it did upset me a bit. The other side of me? I pity them. Their lives must be so unsatisfying that they have to talk about mine (they don't even see me anymore.). Bringing other people down is normally a sign of some insecurity in themselves.

Some people in Canterbury need to get their heads out of their arses. When you get out of university, you are going to be nothing, and if you behave in the outside world like they are at university now, you will get chucked out and blackballed. Simple. 

It has definitely proved that I was wise enough to of stayed home. I don't think that I could of coped being in that environment for another year. Chichester is bigger, which means I don't really need to talk to people very much (if I don't want to talk to them), my personal issues are mine again, the students get taught by teachers who teach at Conservatoires, and one of their main rules is no bitching.

I think Canterbury music dep staff (and the bitching students) need to learn a thing or two. I can't wait to school them for the choir festival next year! ;) x

I somehow have a degree...

I saw my post from Canterbury CCU and thought that I have got my HE Dip through the post. I open my mail and find I have a Bachelor of Music degree!
This has just made my life VERY confusing! I really want to go to Chichester University next year. It has such a good music department, with so many wonderful people (WAY less bitchy than Canterbury!). I now have so many doubts. Now that I have my degree, I feel it is very cheeky of me to do two years of a BA (music) course. What I want is to have a degree with honours. It is again going to be a very tough decision for me.
I think what frustrates me most is that I had everything sorted out, and then suddenly it's made everything up in the air again.
I also think that Canterbury have treated me extremely poorly throughout the whole situation. I have had no help or support. These people then assumed that I would be coming back, (hell no) and then when they found out I was withdrawing, I had to then prompt them to give me my HE Dip. It took an absolute age for a start, and I had no warning that I was to get a degree at all.
In hindsight, they have not given me any support at all throughout my degree. My mum and nan died, and all I got was tip-toed around, and had my personal details spread around the department.
At least I know I made the right decision to withdraw from Canterbury. I suppose that's a plus, right??x

Getting on with life

I find it so hard to be at home at the moment. It's difficult to live at home, I am doing nothing this year, and I really miss my Canterbury friends.
Spending three years in Canterbury meant that most of my friends are there. I kept in touch with some of the pompey folk, but some I'm quite happy to lose. They treated me like shit. Others didn't make the same effort with me as I did them. The remaining are few and far between, and have their own lives, which don't include me any more.
I feel very alone. I rely on having good friends that I can hang out with a lot. Whether this is a stage in growing up, I don't know. All I do know is that I don't like it one bit.
The friends I keep in touch with in Canterbury are wonderful. Skype, texts, catch ups on the phone, and the odd drunken phone call (yes, that means you Benoit) are good, but it's not the same as the real thing.
For me, Canterbury is a place full of mixed emotions. I would love to go back, (and intend to soon, fingers crossed!!) but I have so many memories that I don't want, so many hard emotions there. Going there will be good to face those demons. Maybe that way I can get on with life a lot easier.

Until I am there to enjoy some good times with you, I wish you all the best. I miss you dearly, and want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you all. x

Having a wobble...

On Friday I was having a real wobble about my decision to have a gap year, and then go back into second year of Chichester university.
When I was talking to one of my good friends, Nina, and her telling me about how good Canterbury was that made me think. It was also the point when she said that people didn't actually hate me either, (which I always thought they did) that made me have a wobble.
The thought died the next day, but it also made me realise a couple of things. I could start to make peace with Canterbury and the atmosphere that was there. I could go back to Canterbury for visits, and I can pick and choose who I want to see when I am there, something I couldn't do when I was studying. I also realised that I cannot pick a university based on where my friends are.

Hopefully, this is a good sign of me growing up, and reminding myself of the good times I had in Canterbury, and distinguishing good memories and people, with good opportunities. x