Doors Closing and opening

These past two days I have been having fantastic experiences with my graduation and the model casting. Friday was a day of doors closing, and today has been a day of doors opening for me.

Firstly, I had my graduation at Canterbury. It was such a wonderful experience, to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral, with people that I considered friends, especially being able to graduate with my best friend :) It was also a time to build bridges with people. I was also very lucky to get all three family members that came to Canterbury to be able to see me graduate. Yes, my Mum wasn't there to see me graduate, but on the plus side, she didn't really need a seat, because she was with us.
I can now finish that chapter of my life, and move on to better and bigger things. I can keep things that I enjoyed from it, appreciate the amazing people that I met, and not worry about the bad.

Today, I had my model casting for London Plus Size Fashion Weekend. This was the first time that I have ever gone to a model casting. I was very lucky to have my best friend there supporting me. At first, I found the whole thing very daunting. There were girls there talking about their modelling, and campaigns that they have done. I felt like the only one there who wasn't a professional model. At one point, I was trying to work out in my head how to get out of the place without making it look obvious, then a lady from Evolve magazine came in to ask about the reasons as to why we were doing it. That's when I started to feel comfortable and open up. I am so glad that I stayed and saw it through, because I felt the casting went really well, and got to see some of the pageant girls as well. It's nice to see that they are doing so well for themselves.
The thing I got the most out of for that casting though was what the lady from the magazine said. She said that what they are also looking for is women who are strong and confident within themselves. I didn't think that I was, but my friend sees otherwise. Then I had a breakthrough. Those people in Canterbury who tried to make my life hell, I thank them. If they didn't try and push me down, then I wouldn't of gained the strength to fight back, to push them out of my way.
What do I say now? Keep trying, because you are helping me be the best person that I can be. x

Feeling a bit sentimental!

For a little while, I have known that a certain lecturer from Canterbury Christ Church is retiring. He doesn't know that so many of the alumni are coming back to show support. However much I fought with him in third year, (and I can see now, he was right, most of the time) he was my reason for going to Canterbury, and also motivated me to not give up on music, when I was on the point of giving up on my music A levels. I remember freshers week, when most people went out for a coffee, I wanted to practice, so hid behind the screens. He poked his head round to listen, and asked me why I was hiding. I can't remember what else he said, but I do remember that it was then when I felt accepted, motivated, and so much more confident. Being in the Cantata choir broadened my choral horizons, showed me that I am good at sight singing, widened my taste in choral music (mainly in Eric Whitacre), and has given us so many opportunities like singing in Westminster Abbey.

I wish that I could go on Friday to wish him a happy retirement, but I can't afford to. I think in a way it may be God's way of saying that I'm not ready to go back yet. I have been starting to make my peace with some of the city, and some of its inhabitants. I have decided to let them win. It isn't a defeatist way of thinking, it is more that I can't be doing with it. I believe in karma, and it'll come soon enough, I'm sure. I think I have to get to the stage where I don't care if everyone hates me, that I am who I am, and if you don't like it you know where to shove it. Then I can visit the whole music department.

Maybe I should give them this face next time I see them. I'll let you know how that pans out. x
P.S check out her videos btw- fricking hilarious!

Really Canterbury?!?

This weekend has been a weird mix. Today I got to hang out with some of the youngun's from church- it really does make a difference to be able to be with people of the same age who are Christian. The church I go to is lovely, but I do prefer to be with people my own age if I can, as I can be a young adult again. When people have known you since you were 4, I think they find it hard to treat you the age you are.

Yesterday was pretty awesome. I got to see one of my really good friend's from uni, we went to Camden, and watched Nigel Kennedy. 

I had never been to Camden before, so for me it was really fun to experience that part of London. When you go into the markets, it genuinely feels as if you are in a different country. Nigel Kennedy was also amazing! He completely re-vamped the four seasons, using all his influences of jazz, improvisation, and polish music to make it his own. 

The other side of this weekend was finding that some people in Canterbury STILL bitch about me, even though I have gone. REALLY??? Do they really have nothing else to do in their lives but bitch about people? People who have already gone? About topics which are personal, like graduating at the same time as their year? 

Yeah, I'm ashamed to admit it, but it did upset me a bit. The other side of me? I pity them. Their lives must be so unsatisfying that they have to talk about mine (they don't even see me anymore.). Bringing other people down is normally a sign of some insecurity in themselves.

Some people in Canterbury need to get their heads out of their arses. When you get out of university, you are going to be nothing, and if you behave in the outside world like they are at university now, you will get chucked out and blackballed. Simple. 

It has definitely proved that I was wise enough to of stayed home. I don't think that I could of coped being in that environment for another year. Chichester is bigger, which means I don't really need to talk to people very much (if I don't want to talk to them), my personal issues are mine again, the students get taught by teachers who teach at Conservatoires, and one of their main rules is no bitching.

I think Canterbury music dep staff (and the bitching students) need to learn a thing or two. I can't wait to school them for the choir festival next year! ;) x

It's going to be a hard day....

Today is graduation day. All of my class will be graduating, and I'm in Portsmouth. Doing nothing. I thought that because I got paid today, I would go out shopping to forget about it. If my suspicions are correct, I can't afford to buy anything. I can't go out yet, as the plumber/central heating guy is here, and all those photos of everyone's graduations will be thrown onto facebook. I'm feeling a bit miserable to say the least.
For the first time in history, I am going to ban myself from facebook for a day. It will stop me seeing so much graduation stuff. The pictures won't come for a while, and I'll probably be bombarded by them when I next go on, but it can't be helped. People deserve to put their achievements on facebook if they so choose.
I have to find something to do. Maybe I should of gone to Wales today with dad and daniel. I might do a bit of violin practice, (say hello to the old girl ;) ) go to the gym, sort out banking crap.
I know I will get through this, because in a couple of months I will have my graduation, (if Canterbury ever get their act together!) and I will be making a new start at Chichester. I will be working hard, and when I graduate, I will deserve the degree that I want.
All will be fine. It doesn't mean that it isn't difficult now.

I wish the rest of my class a wonderful graduation, and if you need me for something, ring me as I won't be on facebook! x

I somehow have a degree...

I saw my post from Canterbury CCU and thought that I have got my HE Dip through the post. I open my mail and find I have a Bachelor of Music degree!
This has just made my life VERY confusing! I really want to go to Chichester University next year. It has such a good music department, with so many wonderful people (WAY less bitchy than Canterbury!). I now have so many doubts. Now that I have my degree, I feel it is very cheeky of me to do two years of a BA (music) course. What I want is to have a degree with honours. It is again going to be a very tough decision for me.
I think what frustrates me most is that I had everything sorted out, and then suddenly it's made everything up in the air again.
I also think that Canterbury have treated me extremely poorly throughout the whole situation. I have had no help or support. These people then assumed that I would be coming back, (hell no) and then when they found out I was withdrawing, I had to then prompt them to give me my HE Dip. It took an absolute age for a start, and I had no warning that I was to get a degree at all.
In hindsight, they have not given me any support at all throughout my degree. My mum and nan died, and all I got was tip-toed around, and had my personal details spread around the department.
At least I know I made the right decision to withdraw from Canterbury. I suppose that's a plus, right??x