It's going to be a hard day....

Today is graduation day. All of my class will be graduating, and I'm in Portsmouth. Doing nothing. I thought that because I got paid today, I would go out shopping to forget about it. If my suspicions are correct, I can't afford to buy anything. I can't go out yet, as the plumber/central heating guy is here, and all those photos of everyone's graduations will be thrown onto facebook. I'm feeling a bit miserable to say the least.
For the first time in history, I am going to ban myself from facebook for a day. It will stop me seeing so much graduation stuff. The pictures won't come for a while, and I'll probably be bombarded by them when I next go on, but it can't be helped. People deserve to put their achievements on facebook if they so choose.
I have to find something to do. Maybe I should of gone to Wales today with dad and daniel. I might do a bit of violin practice, (say hello to the old girl ;) ) go to the gym, sort out banking crap.
I know I will get through this, because in a couple of months I will have my graduation, (if Canterbury ever get their act together!) and I will be making a new start at Chichester. I will be working hard, and when I graduate, I will deserve the degree that I want.
All will be fine. It doesn't mean that it isn't difficult now.

I wish the rest of my class a wonderful graduation, and if you need me for something, ring me as I won't be on facebook! x

It's the little things...

Today, and the last couple of days have been giving me new opportunities by the minute!
I found out at student loans that both my years at Chichester uni will be fully funded, which is a good weight taken off my mind.
I got back to the gym yesterday. Big achievement for me, as I have recently neglected the gym. It felt even better to of gone to the gym with Abi today- it's good to have someone there beside you, quietly pushing you on. (Thank you for all those people who have helped get my sorry arse to the gym :D )
I've been talking with my advisor, and been given some real help as to how to deal with my panic moments, and to release some of the tension building up.
I have work tomorrow, which I always enjoy, and the time I can test my panic theories. I get paid on Friday, and cannot wait to get monies, get my ticket to the cascades partay and let loose!
Slowly, my life is turning back into the positive times in September.
I also had a good facebook clear out. Getting rid of those friends of whom I will never speak to, (but wish the best obviously) and those complete dicks that I didn't get rid of soon enough. This feels like a clean slate, getting rid of some of the negativity, and replacing it with hope.
These little things probably seem insignificant, but these little things will make a good impact on my mood, on my outlook of things, which is very important at the moment.
Hooray for the little things :D x

Climbing back up by my teeth

I have been finding it really difficult lately. My downs have come back, and I feel like I'm bothering everyone if I ring them and explain what's going on with me. I still want help, I just can't ask for it. It has made me lose my motivation, and I feel that all my hard work has been for nothing weight wise.
I am trying to get help though. I am with the italk service, which helps me a lot. I had a chat with my councellory person and she says it sounds like seasonal affective disorder (SAD for short). I now have to get a special lamp. (for some reason I'm rather excited by this prospect. Mainly because I could solve problems with a lamp!...)
One of the other issues I have been dealing with is opening up to people at Lush. I think they are all awesome and lovely folk, but I can't seem to open up, and it makes me act all strange, something I don't understand myself.
I think it's mainly me not opening up about my mum and nan dying. (with the added thing of trying to prove myself)
I used to open up to people so easily, and now? I am scared that telling them, they would pity me, and judge me differently, and tell everyone (which is what happened for the most part in Canterbury). On the other side, I won't be able to be myself until I tell them. After the chat, I feel that I have the courage to tell a very select few about my circumstances, so when I am next in, I will be opening up.
I have had other help today as well. A friend in Canterbury has been writing a new blog about his weight loss. His new blog post definitely struck a chord with me today. Want to throw in the towel? Is very close to home at the moment. I have stopped going to the gym lately. It was originally because of my back problems that I had. After that though, I have lacked motivation and drive to go. Danny made the point that the first step is the hardest, and as long as you are making short steps, you are still making progress.
I now feel that I can get myself back on track, and I honestly have him to thank. It's been a low day for me, but also productive (for a down day). I will get through this. I just have to realise that I can't do everything at once, tis all.
x

I somehow have a degree...

I saw my post from Canterbury CCU and thought that I have got my HE Dip through the post. I open my mail and find I have a Bachelor of Music degree!
This has just made my life VERY confusing! I really want to go to Chichester University next year. It has such a good music department, with so many wonderful people (WAY less bitchy than Canterbury!). I now have so many doubts. Now that I have my degree, I feel it is very cheeky of me to do two years of a BA (music) course. What I want is to have a degree with honours. It is again going to be a very tough decision for me.
I think what frustrates me most is that I had everything sorted out, and then suddenly it's made everything up in the air again.
I also think that Canterbury have treated me extremely poorly throughout the whole situation. I have had no help or support. These people then assumed that I would be coming back, (hell no) and then when they found out I was withdrawing, I had to then prompt them to give me my HE Dip. It took an absolute age for a start, and I had no warning that I was to get a degree at all.
In hindsight, they have not given me any support at all throughout my degree. My mum and nan died, and all I got was tip-toed around, and had my personal details spread around the department.
At least I know I made the right decision to withdraw from Canterbury. I suppose that's a plus, right??x

Feminism- pedantic or a just cause??

I have just been reading the article- I blame the media for ignoring feminism, and it got me thinking. Some things that Tanya Gold said I agree with. Politics especially is such a difficult job for a female. Women get automatically judged badly because of their sex. They get the childish misogynist remarks. They are automatically hated for no apparent reason at all, and no-one wants a female prime minister, because it'll be another Maggie Thatcher.
The other issue I also agree with is pay. If we are doing the same job, then we should be paid the same amount.
What I disagree with is that media is the sole problem. There have been so many films that encourage and show the full force of the feminist movement. One of my favourite films recently has to be Made in Dagenham. A film about the Ford strikes, showed a very well rounded, honest view of the strikes, and how it impacted politics, and their family lives. I am not saying that the media is an angel. Far from it, but laying all the blame on the media is not entirely fair.
I think that another factor as to why feminism is forgotten, is because people have heard it all before. People are fed up with some feminists rabbiting on about their views, and making other women feel like dirt in the process.
I think we still have a long way to go. We went from one extreme to another. Women were supposed to be beautiful, the husband's slave. Then we went to this powerful tantrum, where some women would do the exact opposite to a typical women's job, because they wanted to prove that they were a feminist. Wearing male clothes to feel like they had more clout.
We need a middle ground. We need to have equality, and not assume that if we are in the house then we become man servants. But we also need to understand that looking good is allowed. It shows that we want the best from ourselves.
Maybe another idea is before we as women harp on about equality with males, that we find equality, and love from other women. I'm not talking about being a lesbian. I am talking about no bitching, no mean remarks. Treating each other as equals. If we fought less amongst each other, then maybe it would help focus us on the important things. I don't think we realise that we fuel the misogynist fire with all the in-fighting.
I don't know about you, but a better world would be where we have the equal pay, the house of commons to feel less like a playground spat, and the women of the world to be in peace.
I'm going to do my bit for us women. I am not going protesting for equal pay. I won't be shouting off about how attractive women are used in adverts etc. I am going to treat other women with respect, because that is how I want to be treated, man or woman.

Getting on with life

I find it so hard to be at home at the moment. It's difficult to live at home, I am doing nothing this year, and I really miss my Canterbury friends.
Spending three years in Canterbury meant that most of my friends are there. I kept in touch with some of the pompey folk, but some I'm quite happy to lose. They treated me like shit. Others didn't make the same effort with me as I did them. The remaining are few and far between, and have their own lives, which don't include me any more.
I feel very alone. I rely on having good friends that I can hang out with a lot. Whether this is a stage in growing up, I don't know. All I do know is that I don't like it one bit.
The friends I keep in touch with in Canterbury are wonderful. Skype, texts, catch ups on the phone, and the odd drunken phone call (yes, that means you Benoit) are good, but it's not the same as the real thing.
For me, Canterbury is a place full of mixed emotions. I would love to go back, (and intend to soon, fingers crossed!!) but I have so many memories that I don't want, so many hard emotions there. Going there will be good to face those demons. Maybe that way I can get on with life a lot easier.

Until I am there to enjoy some good times with you, I wish you all the best. I miss you dearly, and want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you all. x

Body Matters 2

I had a real shock when I was walking round cascades portsmouth. I saw a photo booth that had virtual plastic surgery!!! Maybe I'm making too much of a deal, but I was genuinely shocked to see that, especially with the image of a teenager's face.
We wonder why young people, (and older people alike!) have issues with their bodies, why we as humans cannot accept ourselves for how we are. I think people are so used to seeing these types of things it becomes commonplace. How is virtual plastic surgery going to make you feel better about yourself? If anything, it is going to make you feel worse. This is the same with airbrushing. How is getting rid of your natural shape going to make you feel better? I understand if for example, you are on your period and have oily skin/spots. This is a temporary problem.
I had a photoshoot in March, and I enjoyed myself, and felt for the first time in ages that I was really confident in myself. One of my very good friends from Canterbury is a whiz with graphics, and with photo artwork. She did some wonderful artwork to these photos. Some photos though, it made me feel really bad about myself.

This is the original photo from the photoshoot. I know I have some imperfections, but I was able to look past this and realise what a beautiful photo this was. It also made me realise that I should show off my legs a lot more!!! ;)

This photo was the one my friend did for me. A beautiful background, and I adore the artistic touches of the moon and music. What I don't understand though is why my hair had to be lighter, (I don't mind the blonde taken out, as it isn't natural) why I needed to not be so pale, why my face looks different, why all the fat has gone from my stomach, and why the dress has been made longer to hide my legs. This isn't me. I cannot connect with this photo. If anything it made me feel really low about myself. It showed that I wasn't good enough. It showed I wasn't acceptable. I know I sound very harsh towards my friend who did this. I didn't bring it up at the time, as I didn't want her to feel like I was throwing it back in her face. She did this for fun, and for my benefit. It is a wonderful photo, just not me.

This is the same photo as the top one, with just some artistic lighting. This I love. It is simple, yet keeps the old feel of the original photo.

This is another of her photos.

This photo she has not changed anything from the original print, but has made one of the most beautiful backgrounds I have ever seen. All she did was put some make up on my face. I feel beautiful when I see this photo. All these wonderful things around me, and I still can be a focal point of a photo.
My point though, is that we do not need airbrushing, or plastic surgery to make us beautiful. We are god's creation. This is how we are supposed to be. If we were perfect, we would be an angel up high.