What a start to the year!

So this blog might end up taking a different turn. I will not be posting my updates on my social media, this is my own personal space, where I can just write what needs to be said. If someone else reads it and it is helpful, brilliant, but this is going to be done for me.
I have realised that I need to take a journey to love myself. I need to take a journey to not beat myself up over everything. I need to take a journey not to overthink everything. And dammit, I really want to go travelling. I want to see the world. I want to grow in myself in all forms.
So here are some plans.
Whilst I was visiting my best friend, I saw this terramundi pot and had to buy it. Now, every time I have a really positive thought about myself, when I'm proud of myself, when I look at myself and think 'you look bloody amazing' I put a pound in the pot. At the end of the year, I'm going to smash the pot, and see how rich I get from my own self love and my own self worth.
I do have another pot I need to buy, which is my overthinking pot. I have an unfortunate habit of overthinking, and beating myself up over everything. So every time I stop myself from overthinking, every time I stop beating myself up, I will put a pound in. What will be very interesting is to see which pot fills up quickest.
Next plan is every time I am on holiday, I want to use my time wisely. In March, I am going away with my friend to Canterbury. Hopefully this will lay some demons I have to rest. Canterbury is an absolutely wonderful place, and am really looking forward to seeing how my old uni stomping ground has changed. If I see people that I know there? Fine. I have my best friend to back me up, but also I need to learn to back myself up as well. Most of the time, things are never as bad as what I made out in my head, and its like I wasted all that energy on something that actually never happened. So that has to stop.
Next holiday is May, which is my birthday week. I intend to invite all my mates downtown for a proper night out. Something I haven't actually done on my birthday since I was 20, and haven't gone out properly in Portsmouth since I was 18. This needs to be done. I need to get hilariously drunk, be irresponsible, be a young person again. Now I'm not saying you need a drink to have a good night, but I just want to cut loose.
Then there is October. If all goes to plan, I will be heading with a friend to India, somewhere I have always wanted to travel to, and get to eat curry continuously for two weeks. Get to see the sights and amazing culture, and say yes, I have been there. This for me is the big one. I have never been on a long haul flight before, so I have to make it a good one.
This year is going to be my year, I can just feel it. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I need to start doing what makes me truly happy. I need to stop having regrets, and I need to live my life.
Here's to 2017! xx

Getting a couple of things off my chest.

So, just to update, if people don't already know...

I have stopped going to the doctors surgery for my weigh ins, I have started slimming world instead.

 I was vey apprehensive at first, but found that I have really enjoyed it, and it has worked really well for me.

Now, here goes.

Just a couple of things. I want to say thank you to all you wonderful people who have sent me Facebook links, recipe ideas, syn values for ice creams, and those who deal with me either chatting about it all the time, or my constant question asking. You are wonderful and help keep me going. It has made me realise a couple of things though that annoy me no end.

 *Warning* rant!

Turning around when I have a chocolate bar or something saying 'are you sure you can have that?' 'Should you be having that?' is not helpful. I can bloody well have that because I have worked for it. I have been careful all day so I can have this. If you don't like it? Tough tits. Who knew you were the food police?

Constantly asking if I want a certain sweet/cake/food when I have said no is rude, and could be cruel. I have said no. Accept my no and move on. I am not asking you to abstain, just stop bugging me about it. Have you not thought that I've said no, so that I can say yes to something at another time?

When you can see my weight loss, saying I look 'much better' or 'you look so beautiful now' etc. Now just to clarify, people congratulating me on my weight loss is different. People who have supported me on my journey are different. Its those underhand back compliments I don't like that can be very hurtful. What you are basically saying is I didn't approve of your weight before, silently judging me for all these years for my looks. All those compliments you said before now feel empty and defunct, because you didn't actually mean them, you just felt obliged to say them. Friends do not push each other down, they build each other up. I am doing this for me, not so that you feel better that I fit your version of normal or acceptable. Maybe you don't realise that it can come off as rude, but that person is still me. That body got me through so much, and I am grateful and love it. So you insult that body? You insult this one too.

One of the hardest things for people to accept- I actually liked myself before. Don't get me wrong, I had my hang ups, I had my lows. But I had my highs as well. That body could surprise even the best of people. That body could withstand some hard arse zumba classes. That body had rhythm, that for a beginner I could dance well and enjoy it at whatever size. I dressed for my body however I liked and still will do. We fat people don't have to hate ourselves on a constant basis. We are allowed to like ourselves, the same as we can change it if we want to.

 

I'm sure there are others that annoy the hell out of you. These are just the ones I have encountered at the moment. I'm sure if there are any others, I will do a rant filled blog post for you soon ;)

Getting my Motivation back

New dress from Tenerife.
Just had to put it in there..

I haven't been very good at keeping this blog post running regarding my weight loss journey.
That is because I have felt very guilty about my weight gain after my blood test back in August
My motivation has been waning, as I have been either ill or on holiday for a fair few weeks, and I do truly miss zumba. I can tell I am not at my best, as I am finding the zumba class difficult.
I had my weigh in today, and saw the lady I used to see, and it was so nice to catch up and vent some of my lack of motivation.
It was so nice for someone to turn around and say that it's ok. I've been there. Life isn't always easy. Give yourself a break sometimes, because in the end you will come back so much stronger.

I also have a friend who is a bodybuilder, (check her instagram out here hollypatriciaemerson) and posts some amazing stuff regarding her weight loss journey. One video she posted that particularly helped me this week was this one. So informative about 'health products' that are really just bad for you.
The combination has really motivated me to keep going with this journey. I will get there in the end. :)

It's going to be pretty Lush...

So I've been a bit quiet on the blog front, I'm sorry. It's all been a bit manic lately! I have some brilliant news to tell you.
I am working as a lushie once again!
I am working at Lush Chichester this year as a Christmas temp. I am slightly mad, as I now have two jobs that get very busy for Christmas. However I loved working at Lush before, so couldn't pass up on that opportunity.

My personal favourite: Lord of Misrule

I had my first week of shifts, and felt like I slotted in nicely getting back into the swing of things.
I think this will help me with my weight loss as well, as I will be on my feet moving for more of my shifts. That might mean some more shoes though ;D
There are some brilliant halloween and christmas products in store, so definitely worth popping in to have a a look at them all.
xx

The results are in....

I have been really bad in letting you know the situation at the moment, sorry guys!
I had my blood test a couple of weeks ago- a complete drama as per usual, but got enough blood in the end- and found out I am not coeliac. However, I have worked out from the 6 weeks of gluten that I believe I have IBS, with certain foods setting it off. I have been experimenting with food a lot more to see what would upset me, and how it physically affects my body.
I am starting to get a better understanding of my body and what affects it.
It has been quite hard to get back in to the swing of things, with getting used to eating gluten free again, and being quite stressed out at the moment. Combined with Sarah and I's zumba class not being on over the summer, and now zumba not being on for two weeks (understandably, we all need a break) I have lost some of my motivation at the moment.
This morning though, I decided to treat myself to new workout trainers, and some new sports bras, ready for September.
I also went to see Katie again today. I stayed the same weight, which I was very pleased about, and booked another appointment a month from now; to give me a chance to get back into the swing of things again.
Time to get the motivation back and move on up! x

My first vintage outing

I know it has been a little while since I did any posts, but with holidays and feeling crap (having to eat gluten...blood test soon thank goodness!) I fell off the wheel a bit.

I did promise that I would show my ebay purchases in a previous blog post, and have been so excited to show you!

I have been waiting for a chance to show off the dress, and had one last weekend. I love vintage, as I find it gives me a great shape, so was determined to get a vintage style dress. I was lucky enough to buy some heated rollers on ebay for a good price as well, so win win situation!

I'm not normally a green person, but this colour was stunning!

I got so many compliments that evening, and got some about my weight loss as well, so was a very happy bunny.

I was lucky enough hairwise to have the help of youtube videos for vintage hair, and the lovely Laura for doing my hair- I honestly would have looked like a hot mess without her!

I still haven't quite worked out how to do the vintage makeup, but if anyone has some tips I would be eternally grateful. 

All in all I would recommend getting some purchases from fashion house (fashion house ebay link) and would recommend buying from ebay. So many plus size brands charge a lot for their products, so I'm always on the look out for a bargain. Ebay has its downfalls as we all know, but on the most part you get some brilliant stuff on there. I think as long as you are prepared to have a proper look on there the diamond in the rough is there.

Well happy shopping, and let me know if you find any good bargains yourself :D

The other side of weight loss

Loved my Bravissimo haul once again! 

I always love going to Bravissimo Brighton, because they make me feel comfortable in my own skin. With helpful and understanding staff, who are like your friends, giving their trusted opinion. I went there yesterday, as my bras have felt uncomfortable and not right. When I last went in I was a 36K. I thought I might have gone down a cup size, but got measured and I am now 36HH! A complete shock to me, as I wasn't expecting that much of a change. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my boobs do look smaller in these bras as well. 

One the one hand, this has opened up so many fashion choices, as now I can fit into more bras, including the pinnacle which is the strapless bra. On the other hand it has been playing on my mind, because I am known purely for my boobs, and was proud to be big. Whilst this is still a larger cup size, I haven't been this small in years.  I have been feeling as if I am losing my femininity, which in turn makes me feel like I am losing my identity.

I suppose I have been living in blissful ignorance of the fact my cup size would lower. 

Whilst I am being told I am losing the pounds and the inches, I can't see the difference in my body so much, I suppose because I see myself every day.

It made me truly question whether I want to carry on. I rung Katie, and she said its my body and my decision to make. My body shape will stay the same, but on a smaller scale.

I think it goes to show that I didn't altogether hate my body when I started this journey. You always expect someone who is trying to lose weight to hate their bigger bodies, that there was nothing good about them.

I think there is another misconception, that suddenly you will be more confident and feel better in your body after losing weight. That suddenly a switch will flip and everything will change. It doesn't. It's a slow process that takes a lot of time. I have been starting to feel more confident in my body. I am much fitter, and I feel so much stronger. I just need to give myself more time to love the outside of my body.

If anyone has any tips to help with this, please let me know! x