Sober on Valentine's Day- a first?

Test running my green hair for the panto :)

On Sunday, after the panto dress rehearsal, some of us went out for what was going to be a quiet drink. I have not been so drunk since my younger teenage days (my 21st obviously doesn't count). I still feel very embarrassed about my behaviour around them- especially one of them, I will have it ripped out of me next time he sees me!- as at church (at least) I am supposed to be well behaved.
I used to be like that. When I was 17-19, I thought the most fun I could have was to drink as much as possible, and not remember the evening. It was my first year summer ball that was my turning point, and since then, I have reigned in my drinking quite a bit. I still get merry, and maybe a little bit drunk, but never to the extreme.
Lately seeing on facebook all these status's about partying heavily, made me wonder if I was just becoming a spoil sport. After the blinding performance on Sunday? I have more fun, ditto my friends, when I have less alcohol in my system.
The point of telling this slightly embarrassing story was that weirdly enough, Valentine's day was nice and sober. Mainly because I don't think I could stomach looking at alcohol, much less wine!
The slightly weirder bit of today was when I had to go into Cosham, was waiting for my Dad, and had two boys-who looked as if they were 12- check me out, look me up and down, give me the eyebrow, and carried on their conversation. I felt perved on by a 12 year old. How is that even possible?!?!
It was later in the day when the down kicked in. I knew it was going to happen at some point, it always does. At one point, I nearly told the guy I like that I liked him, but that fear just gets the better of me every time. I think what some people find hard to grasp, is that if you have issues with your self worth and self esteem, it's hard to think you are good enough for someone to like you in the first place. The fear of rejection is more deep rooted than just pride. I am angry at myself for not saying anything, but that fear feels like a wall that will always be in my way, turning me around.
I am starting to take down the wall, one brick at a time. It is going to take a while, but the wall looks less daunting than it did before.
Maybe by next year, Valentine's day will be much more fun.
Until then, I'm looking forward to pancake day! :D x

Surprises..

I've been living in blissful ignorance of the fact it's winter, and I should be having a cold or two.
I am now feeling pretty sorry for myself. I think it is a case of me feeling rundown, and my body trying to get me to calm down and de-stress. I have my trial shift for Wagamama today, and have one of the solos on Sunday- very bad timing!!!
I am sure I can woman up and do the wagamama shift fine.
The thing I am most pleasantly surprised about is my brother. I was feeling very weak last night, and went to bed about 6 (I haven't been sleeping well, so trying to catch up on sleep!). The cat came to join me- I still think they have a sixth sense to tell who is ill- and then dad went out. Dan gave me his blanket, and spent most of his time giving me cuddles. Eventually I didn't have the energy, and he wandered off to bed.
This morning, when I came down the stairs, I asked if Dan could give me a hand with breakfast. He firstly gave me a big hug, sorted my breakfast out, and got me a cup of tea.
It's not that I don't think he is lovely, I know he is, it's more so the fact he never made a fuss, he thought of things himself that might help, and was so thoughtful.
He may test my patience to the limit, but when it comes down to it, to me, he is the best brother in the world :)

Thank goodness for friends :)

On Sunday, I had a seriously stressful situation to deal with.
What really struck a chord with me was how amazing my friends were throughout it all.
Without sounding arrogant, I always like to think of myself as strong. I don't like asking for help, because for me I don't like to burden people with my issues, when they have more than enough of their own. It was as if they knew what to do straight away. They knew me well enough to get others to leave me alone, to basically plan my day, and just give me a hug when I needed it most, but didn't necessarily want to ask for one.
Ever since I came back home, I have been feeling really lonely. Most of my close friends were/are in Canterbury, and coming home, I felt slightly isolated. I talk to Jaymie every day, which helps so much more than she knows, but I needed friends my age who are actually in Portsmouth.
I only just realised how much I care for the church lot, and what a plank I am for not realising I didn't need to look for close friends, I had them in the first place. Maybe it's because we don't have to ask each other for help, we just give it without thinking.
Whatever the reason is, I know they will be there, and I hope that they know I will always be there for them :)

A bump in the road

For a little while, I have had such a good positive attitude, but I have found my first hurdle to get over- my behaviour towards a guy I like.

Normally when I like a guy, I make a really big effort for them, to show them that I am the one they want to go out with. My new self respect kinda goes against that. He should realise that already, and should feel lucky that a girl like me likes him. He needs to show that he likes me by making a big effort. If a guy truly likes you, he will go out of his way to be with you, he would make the effort to go out on dates, etc. I am really trying with this, but I have got such a urge to message him right now, it's all I can think about.

Jaymie normally snaps me out of it, but I can't get hold of her. I know it sounds very stupid, but it is a bit like a battle of wills to see who will win, except I'm fighting my old self. I have to wait it out and stay strong. 

I keep making excuses for this guy, 'oh, he's really shy' 'I have to prove I'm a woman, not a girl', the list goes on and on. He is not shy around me in any way, and if he doesn't consider me a woman rather than a girl, then hell, isn't that a big sign?!? My old insecurities are creeping in, the ones saying I'm not good enough, but this time I'm trying to fight them. This time I think I will make some progress. I am getting there, it's just going to take a bit longer than I thought.

Here's to being human x

I may be short, but damn, I'm standing tall!

I've definitely seen a change in my behaviour after reading 'living la Vida Loca' (one of my blogs before). Not just towards other people, but mainly towards myself. I respect myself so much more now, and I am a lot more upbeat in my way of thinking.

I'd like this one, please.

I was watching the new episodes of 'The Vampire Diaries' earlier today. I love the show, but it is all doom and gloom, and usually brought my mood way down. I started feeling sorry for myself that I have no job, that I had to pay my phonebill today, I don't have that steady income or safety net. I could feel my mood lowering, but it was as if I had a mental thermostat. When my mood lowered to a certain point, my brain refused to go anymore, snapping me out of it, bringing me back to my normal, higher mood. That has never happened before. Normally, I would stay in that bad mood for the rest of the day, and proceed to moan to my friends for about an hour, (poor Jaymie).
Because I didn't break down to that low place, I ended up going back on jobseekers, applying for jobs online, handing out CV's in Gunwarf. Within 45 minutes of handing my CV in, Wagamama's rung me, and I have an interview tomorrow!
I am learning that bad feelings are a choice, now I'm feeling so much stronger, and feel better in myself. Forgetting about all the bad things in the day, and focusing on making things better has got me a job interview, and hopefully my jobseekers money back.
The bad things in life are what give us focus, determination, and strength to stand proud on our two feet.
I may be short, but damn, I'm standing tall!

Getting the gloves back on :D

Ever since was a little girl, I have always spoken my mind. As I got older and wiser, I got into less trouble about it. I have always been proud of the fact that I speak my mind, because it is braver than bitching, and a problem gets resolved quicker. I admit, I do occasionally rant and bitch, everyone does it, but I don't like to make a habit out of it. If I had an issue with someone, I prefer to speak out.

I then went to uni. I was in an environment where bitchiness was the norm. I started to find I was losing my bluntness in the waves of bitching. I always thought I matured at university. In some ways I did. I learnt that you have to be careful with money, and how to depend on myself.

One thing I have been wanting to change after uni, was to go back to my blunt, 'say it like it is' behaviour. I have been trying for a couple of months now, and had my big break-through last night.

A couple of months ago, a lady made a comment (subtly) about my weight, and what I was putting into my mouth. Considering I have been losing weight, been eating healthily, and went to the gym that very day in preperation, I found the whole situation very rude. I was so surprised by the comment, I didn't say anything. Ever since then, I have been wishing that I could of said something to her. Last night, I was sitting with her at a meal, and she was talking about defending herself against people's comments, and said politely, that she may not of realised it, but she upset me a while ago. She apologised straight away afterwards. I accepted the apology, but stating to please be careful in what you say to me next time.

I probably should not of done it in a public place, in front of people, (even though virtually no-one heard about the incident) but it was the first time I have stood up for myself again after uni.

Also, after posting about the bitchy Canterbury folk, I was getting 'anon' comments, trying to be derogitary. My new strength has made me realise that the comments mean nothing. As long as I know in myself that they are doing it to get attention and a rise out of me, it doesn't matter what they say. All I do is delete the comment, and then forget about it.

I am getting stronger and stronger every day. 

The world better watch out, the old Palm is back in business! :D

Vivir la vida loca!

Yesterday was such a turning point, and such a positive day for me.
I was reading this book just to give a slight change from reading 'Wild swans', and it really changed my mindset when it came to men, and how I live my life.
I have always loved dancing, so this book really appealed to me. It showed me that a man should be deserving of me, as well as the other way round. I should not always accommodate men, that they have to work equally hard as I am prepared to work.
For me, it gives perspective. I deserve a man who will put me as a top priority, who will make the effort and treat me right.
I have always been the 'accommodater', the one who would sometimes make so much effort for the man, and get nothing in return. Looking back at my last relationship, I was so happy to be in a couple, ignoring all the warning signs of his bad behaviour towards me, because I was in a relationship. I have realised that it is better to be single, to be available for the right man, than put up with a bad relationship. To quote the book concerning finding the right guy:
'I walk down the street, I fall down a hole. It takes me forever to figure out how to climb out. I walk down the street, fall down a hole, this time I know how to get out. I walk down the street, I walk around the hole. Next time..I walk down a different street!'
I am walking down a different street now, one where a man has to deserve me to obtain me. Yes, I do make an effort, but I expect him to do the same. I will have a partnership of equals, not me being the submissive woman. In the same token, I will not put myself in that role. If a man tries to put me in that role, it's 'Sayōnara' and onto greener pastures.
In another way, the book has rekindled my wanting to travel. I want to see the world, I want to experience different cultures. It's not that I don't love England, I do! I think that not having a passport, (something I have also been sorting out) made me feel very constricted. I got some travel brochures for Cuba, so hopefully this will placate me until I have the money to go. My -slightly warped- thought process is that if I can save for a holiday, I won't be spending money, helping me save. It'll take me a good couple of years for me to save, which is the time I need to be the most frugal anyway.
I felt yesterday was going to be a positive day. I feel that today is going to be me putting things at rest. I'll be going to the gym, getting my last bits of lush goodies before the discount goes, and going to the tweenies meal.
In my way, I can put the lush job to rest, and keep the friends that I made in the process.
Now I've found my gorgeous shoes, (after some serious praying!) I can get ready to go out and enjoy the tweenies meal. I know that people will be moaning about something, but I have to stay out of it. I am determined to enjoy this meal!
 Time for me to do something with my day- have a good weekend! x