Sober on Valentine's Day- a first?

Test running my green hair for the panto :)

On Sunday, after the panto dress rehearsal, some of us went out for what was going to be a quiet drink. I have not been so drunk since my younger teenage days (my 21st obviously doesn't count). I still feel very embarrassed about my behaviour around them- especially one of them, I will have it ripped out of me next time he sees me!- as at church (at least) I am supposed to be well behaved.
I used to be like that. When I was 17-19, I thought the most fun I could have was to drink as much as possible, and not remember the evening. It was my first year summer ball that was my turning point, and since then, I have reigned in my drinking quite a bit. I still get merry, and maybe a little bit drunk, but never to the extreme.
Lately seeing on facebook all these status's about partying heavily, made me wonder if I was just becoming a spoil sport. After the blinding performance on Sunday? I have more fun, ditto my friends, when I have less alcohol in my system.
The point of telling this slightly embarrassing story was that weirdly enough, Valentine's day was nice and sober. Mainly because I don't think I could stomach looking at alcohol, much less wine!
The slightly weirder bit of today was when I had to go into Cosham, was waiting for my Dad, and had two boys-who looked as if they were 12- check me out, look me up and down, give me the eyebrow, and carried on their conversation. I felt perved on by a 12 year old. How is that even possible?!?!
It was later in the day when the down kicked in. I knew it was going to happen at some point, it always does. At one point, I nearly told the guy I like that I liked him, but that fear just gets the better of me every time. I think what some people find hard to grasp, is that if you have issues with your self worth and self esteem, it's hard to think you are good enough for someone to like you in the first place. The fear of rejection is more deep rooted than just pride. I am angry at myself for not saying anything, but that fear feels like a wall that will always be in my way, turning me around.
I am starting to take down the wall, one brick at a time. It is going to take a while, but the wall looks less daunting than it did before.
Maybe by next year, Valentine's day will be much more fun.
Until then, I'm looking forward to pancake day! :D x

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

It is gradually getting closer to my most hated time of the year- Valentine's Day. This is the day when smug couples become even more smug, and force their pity over those who are single.

Thanks for that, E. E. Cummings.

I don't think it helps that being single is a taboo subject. A single's most hated question is: "So, how's your love life?"

Firstly, it's none of your damn business. Secondly, when I explain that I am very much single at the moment, the response is a sigh saying something along the lines of 'you'll find someone, don't worry!'

Great. Now I'm being pitied. Fantastic. The other phrase that will come out is- 'oh I do miss being single'. Oh sorry, I forgot that having someone there to support you, love you, whom you trust (and visa versa) is such a terrible thing.

It would help if retail generally thought of the single people during the 'loved up' month. It would certainly make shopping a better experience. Retail, and smug couples need to respect the fact that people are single. Cater for us as well this month, we single's do exist!

On the plus side, I have moved a step forward visa vi men. I have learnt this week that there is such a thing as bad attention. I always used to think any attention was good attention. It isn't. I have gained more respect in myself, and from the sounds of it, a bit of self worth. My other step forward is that the guy I like doesn't like me like that, and I've been in denial about it the whole time. It's taught me that I shouldn't have to do all the legwork. If a guy really likes you, he would/should make the effort just as much as you. 

I think Aretha explains it a bit better than I have :P x