Damn you tonsillitis.

This week since I got tonsillitis I have been staying away from people, so that I don't pass it on to anyone else. I have missed out on the sun, eating proper food, seeing people I care about, the plans I missed, and potentially the plans I made for the rest of this week and the next. Being ill gets kinda lonely. It also makes you feel like you are being left behind. Everything grinds to a halt, and you feel separated from the people around you. 

For me at the moment, it isn't a good thing. My mood has dropped considerably. I find it very hard to ask for help or comfort, and it seems so selfish to ask a friend to text, or message me to cheer me up. I am instead using my two passions to cheer me up: reading, and music.

Yes, I still feel down in the dumps, but I could feel a lot worse. This way, I don't have to lean on others to get through the little things, and I can just ride it out.

For the rest of you, enjoy the silence for the next couple of days :P x

Letting some of the past go :)

So I'm back from Canterbury. It was strange, it felt half like I came home, but my anxiety, my stress shot straight back up just by being there. Canterbury felt like my home because I was around my friends. When they all leave though, Canterbury will just be a mis mash of good and bad memories. In a sense it reminds me of a friend's blog post- Star of the Reef- I am LEGEND and her time back in Canterbury. I didn't tackle nearly as much as she did, but I think I can start to close that chapter in the book, I can begin to move on.
The thing I was most proud of was when I saw the guy who tried to make my life hell. The minute I saw him, I was nervous, and my anxiety went into overdrive. I had no idea what to do, so I thought I would just smile at the whole group he was with. He was making Nazi signs, and it was at that moment I realised. Why the hell did I care? Why the hell should he be so important? And the last one- I am so much better than that. I laughed so much as soon as they passed, out of happiness, and wondering what all the fuss was about.
I hate to say it, but I see it in people who come here. They either thrive, or the city becomes poisonous. For me, it was poison. Coming home has got most of it out. I think I will always find Canterbury a difficult place to go back to, but this visit shows that I can go back on my terms, seeing the people I want to see, rather than individuals I don't want to see. If I see someone I dislike, I know I can deal with it.
On a slightly crappy note, I now have tonsillitis. I get like this when I am very busy. It has been a nice busy mainly, but it is definitely my body saying enough. I couldn't go out and enjoy the sun/go to pops today, go shopping/choir tomorrow, or work Friday and Saturday. I was also really looking forward to seeing people this week that I haven't seen in ages, (or feel like I haven't seen in ages). On the plus side, I have an excuse to eat ice cream, now I just need to convince my dad to buy some :D
 This had better go by Sunday. My church choir and a choral society are joining together for evensong, singing 'I was Glad' by Parry. It always reminds me of Cantata choir singing it at graduations, singing the second soprano part with Emma. One of the better memories of university for definite.
Well I think it's time for me to try and get better. Hope you have a great week. x

It's going well so far... :D

So I got into Canterbury at 4:30pm this afternoon, and within 30 minutes I was drinking a cocktail. Canterbury obviously has that effect on me! (In fairness, it was called a quiet Sunday..) As I didn't go to church this morning, I went to evensong in Canterbury. It has been the first time I have gone to Lutheran Vespers. I really enjoyed the fact that it didn't take Christian unity week, to bring together different denominations. I also found it very amusing that I got blanked by two people I used to know at that church. Now, I wasn't exactly expecting bunting and banners, but to be ignored in a church of all places? I find hilariously funny.

Being in Canterbury has made me realise many things. Firstly, I did have some amazing times here. I have some amazing friends here too. Secondly I really have started to mature since I left Canterbury. I don't get upset so much over the little things. I don't care that those two people flat out ignored me, because that would just ruin my mood, and frankly I have better things to do. Thirdly, I realised that I am so much happier now than what I was. Some of the friends I have seen today have said that I seem different. They said that I seem better. I really am. I only see it in myself when I'm back here. I feel so much calmer, more relaxed, and at peace.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I will be meeting friends for lunch, going to see my old violin teacher, having drinks and going to the Cuban. It all sounds very adult now. I'm sure that'll all change soon enough :P x

It's all been worth it :)

Today has been pretty darn productive- work in the morning, got home and had lunch, ordered lush retro goodies, rehearsal, and a fantastic concert! This week has been tiring, physically and mentally, but the end result tonight was pretty amazing!
We have had a guest conductor this week- Cristian Brancusi, working on Verdi- Overture “La Forza del Destino”, Gershwin- Rhapsody in blue, and Saint-Saens- Symphony No 3 “Organ Symphony”. The concert tonight was just amazing, and for me a great preliminary of what is to come of my university life. 
On the flip side, I will be heading to Canterbury for a couple of days tomorrow. It is going to feel pretty strange, as I have really made myself at home in Chichester, and it will be the first time I'll be there without being a student. 
It will be a great opportunity to meet with old friends, and to start making peace with the place. I need to start remembering all the good memories I had there, as well as the bad ones. These next couple of days will be making good memories with people I truly care about, and isn't that what life is all about?
I am really sad I won't be able to see them all in one go this time, but hopefully there will be other times. 
I also am really excited to go on tour to Guernsey with the Chi Uni Pops Orchestra. I have only ever been on tour once, and even then, I'm not sure if it really counted. I was seriously worried about the camping side (after a camping trip with my dad when I was 7 years old, and dad forgot to mention it was with a whole load of boy scouts. I promised myself I would never camp again.) Now that dad got me a pop up tent and a sleeping bag, I feel a lot better about the whole situation. Not sure how I will cope with having quick showers, but I'm sure I'll get there. I still haven't really thought about packing, but I'll sort it when I'm back from Canterbury. I'm sure it won't be the night before...
Anyhoo, I need some sleep. Night everyone, have a great week! x

Catch ups and a birthday...

I asked for one candle.
Not exactly what I meant... 

So it was kind of my birthday today. I spent most of it rehearsing with Chi Uni Symphony Orchestra, and got a rendition of 'happy birthday' from them all, which was really sweet. It has definitely made me realise I have made the right choice. People there are supportive, kind, and so helpful as a whole. Obviously the friends I made in Canterbury are equally as supportive, but it is just on a bigger scale here. My confidence in my playing is coming back, and I'm enjoying rehearsals, yet also have a good time doing it, which frankly is what music is all about :)
I have also- eventually- arranged my trip to Canterbury to see my friends. I kept saying I would be up to visit, but life kept getting in the way. I don't think I'll be visiting the music department, I think that would be pushing it a bit, but to see my friends will be amazing. I have missed them so much, and am excited to go out and pretend to still be a student for a couple of days nights, and hope my facebook will cope with the aftermath. :P It will feel strange to be out with the Canterbury crew being 22/not technically a student. For all I know, I may not be cut out to do this clubbing malarky anymore. Poor things, they must feel like they will be going out with an OAP!
I think I am just not used to being 22 yet. It has been a very grown up affair this year for the first time ever, and loved coming home to open my presents, rather than opening them in a mad frenzy first thing in the morning.
All in all, a successful birthday. Here's to being 22; another crazy year down, time to buckle up for the next! x

Opening Up

I have been having a busy couple of weeks, hence my sparse blogging. It has been a mix of looking after my brother, training for my new job at the Post Office, and Chi Uni Symphony Orchestra rehearsals.
For me I really enjoy being busy, and having something to do. Being out of a job since January was getting hard, but I find I work best with a schedule, with me organising things around my life.
Last weekend I found incredibly tough. Dad was away for the weekend in Walsingham, and I was looking after Dan when I wasn't in rehearsals. I am so grateful for the people who looked after Dan whilst I was rehearsing. Weirdly it was harder this year. I think that I do still miss my Mum, and ever since she died, I do cut myself off from people, bottling things up. I don't like people to see me cry, and I don't like people to constantly bring up my mum. It's not the happiest topic of conversation for me.
This kinda makes life difficult when I need someone. I find it so hard to ask for help that I normally don't, and it makes things worse. I have been making progress in the past couple of months, being able to talk to friends on the phone who live far away from me, but I still have found it hard to open up to someone I see all the time, whether it's on the phone or in person.
That weekend I opened up to two people, admitting that I was finding everything so difficult. They didn't run away, they didn't say they couldn't handle it. They just let me rant, let me get upset, and gave me the best hugs. I think that weekend has helped me realise that I need to trust people. Not just to share secrets, but to let them in when I'm finding life difficult, trusting them not to turn me away, or give up on me. Like so many things, it won't happen overnight, but this weekend was a step in the right direction :)
Hopefully they realise how much they mean to me, for them to see that. In a weird way, it's a compliment!
On that slightly strange bombshell, I will leave you all to have a great weekend, wherever you are!x

Keeping the sisterhood strong

I think it was just a matter of time before I blogged about my opinions on Samantha Brick, and her news story. If you haven't read her article, here it is -Why women hate me for being beautiful . She has also been on 'This Morning' to defend herself.
I think it is great to have self confidence. If you regularly read the blog, you see that I strive to gain more self confidence, and self esteem. I never have a go at any women who has it, and if anything, they are my role models. What I don't like is arrogance.
What came up the most in response to her interview was that people viewed her as arrogant. Where is that line between arrogance and self confidence?
This is how I answer the question personally. Self confidence is personal. Self confidence is the belief that you are the best that you can be. Arrogance is the belief you are the best. Self confidence puts everyone on an even playing field, but arrogance pits you against others, and tries to install a hierarchy.
By implying that because she is so beautiful, that other women hate her, is rather arrogant behaviour. She is saying that because her appearance is the best, that other women don't like her for it. It's their problem with me, not the other way round.
She also mentioned that fact that before she went through puberty and dyed her hair, that she was an 'ugly duckling': in her words, that she was short, fat, and brunette. By saying that, does she not see that she is putting down a whole host of women, myself included? Does she not realise that she could be doing some serious harm? It only needs one comment.
I'll give an example. I went to church yesterday, and went into the hall for a cup of tea afterwards. Now I may not of made my usual effort to look nice, but I didn't look as if I just rolled out of bed either. I got a comment, going "God, you look tired!" Well thanks for that. No, really.
Did they mean any harm in what they said? No, probably not. Did they think about what they said? No, probably not.
I think that this woman needs to understand the phrase 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. We as women, are all beautiful in our own ways. What I find attractive in a man, isn't the same for someone else. What one person finds attractive, another might not.
Another issue I had with her was the fact she was annoyed at women who were jealous of her, because of her appearance. Now if she didn't do anything to provoke those comments, I would perfectly understand, but she wants her cake and eat it. She quotes:

when you have a male boss, it’s a different game: I have written in the Mail on how I have flirted to get ahead at work, something I’m sure many women do.

So basically, she is trying to say that she can use her sexuality on men to get ahead in the workplace, but will not deal with the consequences she might have afterwards. You can't complain that your looks aren't helping your relations with female bosses, if you are using your looks to get ahead with the male bosses. The attitude of using your sexuality to get what you want implies to me you haven't earned what you have got. It also implies that you will use your body to get what you want, which isn't a good trait for being trustworthy. I suspect that women are wary of her because of her behaviour, rather than her appearance. 
She is saying that the sisterhood has let her down. All I have seen is her letting us down. She has implied that if you aren't like her, you aren't considered beautiful, and has generalised women for being catty and bitchy, for no other reason than her being beautiful. She had such an opportunity to make a positive impact, and decides to slate women.

There are so many women out there who are so inspirational, and proving that every woman is beautiful in their own way. For me, Lynx Garcia (Facebook- Supersize Spanishfly) is an inspiration to me, because she proves day by day that every woman is special, that every woman is beautiful. She has self confidence, not arrogance. She stands up for women. Now that is what I call a beautiful person. Inside and out.