Doors Closing and opening

These past two days I have been having fantastic experiences with my graduation and the model casting. Friday was a day of doors closing, and today has been a day of doors opening for me.

Firstly, I had my graduation at Canterbury. It was such a wonderful experience, to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral, with people that I considered friends, especially being able to graduate with my best friend :) It was also a time to build bridges with people. I was also very lucky to get all three family members that came to Canterbury to be able to see me graduate. Yes, my Mum wasn't there to see me graduate, but on the plus side, she didn't really need a seat, because she was with us.
I can now finish that chapter of my life, and move on to better and bigger things. I can keep things that I enjoyed from it, appreciate the amazing people that I met, and not worry about the bad.

Today, I had my model casting for London Plus Size Fashion Weekend. This was the first time that I have ever gone to a model casting. I was very lucky to have my best friend there supporting me. At first, I found the whole thing very daunting. There were girls there talking about their modelling, and campaigns that they have done. I felt like the only one there who wasn't a professional model. At one point, I was trying to work out in my head how to get out of the place without making it look obvious, then a lady from Evolve magazine came in to ask about the reasons as to why we were doing it. That's when I started to feel comfortable and open up. I am so glad that I stayed and saw it through, because I felt the casting went really well, and got to see some of the pageant girls as well. It's nice to see that they are doing so well for themselves.
The thing I got the most out of for that casting though was what the lady from the magazine said. She said that what they are also looking for is women who are strong and confident within themselves. I didn't think that I was, but my friend sees otherwise. Then I had a breakthrough. Those people in Canterbury who tried to make my life hell, I thank them. If they didn't try and push me down, then I wouldn't of gained the strength to fight back, to push them out of my way.
What do I say now? Keep trying, because you are helping me be the best person that I can be. x

Life = BUSY

Well I have truly settled back into university, and the work now really starts.
I am in uni three times a week, back at the Post Office after my obligatory 3 weeks off, and started driving lessons. To add onto this I am in three Orchestra's, with one that I lead, with three concerts coming up, and potentially three tours this year as well.
Busy is an understatement. Strangely though, I seem to be much happier in myself because of it. Yes, it is very stressful (especially when you leave your violin in your dad's car one morning, and forget to email yourself your orchestration...) but I have such a great support system in place, especially my other half, who supports me every step of the way. I seem to really fit in with everyone here, and I have really immersed myself in the work that has been given to me.
I enjoy practicing, and I feel so much more confident in my skills as a violinist.
On the down-side, I have not had the opportunity, or frankly the time to get to the gym. That in a sense does affect your self confidence, especially when you have to give your dress size for a dress to be made for you. I have less time to eat well, and it is so difficult to balance that out. That is the life of a musician. I will be starting to make a concerted effort to get back to the gym, and to maintain healthy choices. When I have free days/evenings, I will start to cook my own food again, to do my own food shopping, and to build my mental strength against bad food choices. Instead of having chinese with the boyfriend when we have dinner, I could cook. There is always a way around problems.
I am learning though that everything comes in time. Something will always fall on the wayside, but in time, I will learn how to balance my life. I won't always be able to keep on top of everything, but perseverance is the key to most problems.
So keep going, because life is a one way street. x

A new slate

This week I have started my first week at Chichester University. It has admittedly been confusing at some times, but I am so excited to get stuck in, to work hard, and get back to my main passion!
What has really stood out has been everyone being helpful, friendly and supportive. It's nice to know that you have people that will give you a helping hand along the way. I think I was lucky that I was able to invade a year early, as it meant people already knew my face, and wasn't so much of a shock when I came bouncing into their lectures ;D
The only peculiar part of it is the fact I'm only needed at uni on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Going from full time at the Post Office, where I was working as many hours as possible, 3 days a week doesn't seem much. It is just reminding yourself that the time is supposed to be used for practice and ensembles. I think Music is one of those degrees where you do have to have a serious amount of self discipline, and motivation to be able to do well. I am excited to be able to develop these skills.
The other exciting bit of news is that I have got to the finals of Miss Real Girl 2013! (2013 Finalists) Considering that the amount of applicants for this pageant last year was 100-200, I feel extremely honoured to of got to the finals this year coming. What a difference it makes from last year, when my self confidence and self worth was at an all time low, where I was dealing with Canterbury/uni issues, and a couple of months ago I had another dip in my confidence, it's good to be able to be proud of myself again. I am very grateful to of gone into Miss British Beauty Curve this year, because it showed me that there are so many other curvy, beautiful women out there, and I can be one of them. This year coming, I'm going in with a different attitude. Ever since I went to Southsea Fashion Week, it has driven me to want to see women of all shapes and sizes on the catwalk. I want people to see that they will be represented, whatever your body type. I am not going in just for myself anymore. I am going in to prove one point. We are all beautiful.
On a different note that sums it all up, I went into Lush today, to get get some little things, and did the emotional brilliance wheel. The first thing it said was that I was happy. In all honesty, I don't think I have been so happy in quite a while. My professional career is back on track, I have gained confidence in myself, my personal life is good, got to another pageant final, and have a good support system, holding my hand every step of the way.
So my message is to trust yourself, because it will all come out right in the end. x

Feeling accepted

So yesterday I went to Southsea Fashion Week's Haute Couture and Avant Garde shows. I wore my Miss Portsmouth Curve sash, and found a fabulous designer- Gerli Liivamagi. Her designs were breathtaking, and in St Peter's Church, it was so haunting. I will definitely be bugging her to make the dresses for my size ;D (http://www.gerliliivamagi.com)
What I also loved was the response that I got from people on the night. I was a bit worried about wearing my sash at first, especially as plus size is such a taboo in fashion, but what I got from so many people was smiles. To feel accepted on my first public outing was such a confidence boost for me, and in the interval, I bumped into some of the models, who were beautiful inside and out, and met Miss Portsmouth Popularity who was modelling that evening.
I hope that in my little way, I showed that plus size is prevalent in fashion. I think the fashion world is moving closer and closer to accepting people of all shapes and sizes, and it just needs a spark.
It is going to be a difficult week for me, being my mother's anniversary. But I have made a promise to myself, that this bank holiday every year, I will do something new, and that way, it'll feel like she is with me every step of the way, that she isn't missing out on everything in my life. This year, it was the fashion week. I think she gave me the courage to go out there and wear my sash.
So mum, this one is for you. x

I love fashion, but will fashion ever love me?

As many plus women out there will know, it is very difficult to get the latest fashions, and to shop in the highstreet. Granted, there are many shops that do cater for us, and some who give us a special plus size range, but so many like warehouse and topshop to name a few, don't cater for the plus size woman, and doesn't intend to.

Velvet d'amour at Paris 2006

 I have seen so many plus size women start to break the boundaries in fashion (with velvet d'amour being a great example) that it has given me hope. We need to challenge the version of 'the norm'. We need to make it a necessity for us to see real women on the catwalk, not just the token plus size model here and there.
I will be attending Southsea fashion week this weekend, which is my local city, and the city I represented for Miss British Beauty Curve 2012. I am very excited to go, not just to see all the beautiful designs, but a little birdy told me there are a couple of plus size ranges in there. It makes me proud to call myself a pompey lass, and gives me reason to think that fashion will truly love plus size women one day.
So if you are at the haute couture and avant garde shows this weekend, come say hello! :D x

Heroes and fine examples.

Today, I saw this photo from the 1968 Olympics. I never knew that this happened until today. In this modern day and age, we see people as people, rather than look at the colour of their skin. Growing up in the south of England, I don't see many people who aren't white, but I have been taught (as I should) to treat everyone with respect. It wasn't always like that.
At the 1936 Olympics, Hitler wanted to prove that looking a certain way (white, blonde hair, blue eyes) made you stronger, faster, most powerful. Jesse Owens humiliated Hitler by proving that theory very wrong.
The story of this 1968 photo shows such respect. Tommie Smith, John Carlos, and Peter Norman, and their fight for equality,.
What really hits home for me is Peter Norman. I can understand Smith and Carlos's plight, but I can identify with Norman. His words: 'I'll stand with you' when the Americans told him what they were going to do. It was also Norman who suggested that Smith and Carlos share the black gloves used in their salute, after Carlos left his gloves in the Olympic Village. They all ostracised themselves from their country's media, they put their athletics career in jeopardy. It brought hope that we can move forward as humans. The other great achievements were Nicola Adams and Jade Jones's gold medals. The first time women's boxing is introduced to the Olympics. The first gold medal ever and it goes to Great Britain. The first time Great Britain has won in Taekwondo. These are the people we should look up to; not the BB contestants, not the reality 'stars'.Here's to the rest of the games, here's to the heroes, the inspiration people of the past, the present, and the future. x

Onwards and Upwards!

For a little while, I have been trying to sort out my entry year into university. Yesterday I got a breakthrough, and got the entry level and the course I wanted! For me this is a big sigh of relief- I don't need to worry about my academic future, being one less thing to worry about. 

I can now prepare for university life: apply for the student loan, try to work out my timetable, get practising, and sort my work life around uni. This time I can apply myself, not worrying about whether I am being sociable enough, and whether people like me. I obviously don't want everyone to hate me, but living at home, and being a little bit older, I won't be in the department 24/7 to do everything, and won't be involved in the politics of the department.

Invading a year early has really helped me get the feel of the department and how it is run. I also have had a chance to get to know some of the people that are there. Going straight into third year will mean that these people would of already made their friendship groups. It can make life a lot harder, especially if you all need to work together. Having that year would mean I feel more comfortable, especially the Guernsey trip, because it means I already know people, and hopefully won't be afraid to come up and talk to me, and visa versa.

I am now incredibly excited, and ready to get my teeth into this year. This is my last chance saloon. I will push myself as far as I need to to get these results, and be able to say I have a degree with honours. To give those Canterbury people who doubt(ed) me the proverbial finger. To show them the amazing opportunities that I have been given, and the opportunities I hope to get in the future. A step back is sometimes what you need to move forward.

Now to sort out the rest of my life! ;p x