An Interesting Christmas...

Well, what an interesting Christmas in the Palmer household!
Christmas day was lovely- calm and peaceful. Starting off with church at 10am,  (I didn't make it to midnight mass due to me being a wuss) then epic lunch at the woodpecker with my Uncle and grandad (I prepared for this occasion, waay too excited for food this year!) to then get back round to ours for present opening.
We then had a new addition to our tradition this year, in the evening we went round to Grampy's house to see dad's side of the family. I was rather sceptical about seeing both sides of the family in one day, but surprisingly it was fine.
Boxing day however...
Dad was complaining of chest pains when he was driving me to work, called the ambulance when he got back home. Virtually straight after I went on shift I got sent home to be with my family. Went straight to the hospital to wait for dad in the ambulance, to then be in there for multiple hours.
I honestly thought in the beginning I was going to lose my dad.
After a couple of hours I realised he would of been rushed into theatre or put in a special unit if he was considered serious.
He came home this morning at 1:20 by a good church friend of ours, with what seems to be a cracked/fractured rib or two, and apparently some serious indigestion.
The doctor did notice some irregularity in his heart, so he is going in for a test, but I think what I am most annoyed about is their communication, or lack of it.
When I got to the hospital they had no idea where he was. A consultant came over when dad got in to majors unit, said that dad had a clot in his lung with no explanation at all, to then after some time get taken to MAU. The nurses then didn't tell us any information, we didn't find out about the planned 9:30 blood test for ages, and when I explained our family situation to a nurse, they said if he can go home tonight they'll put him in a taxi.
 I rung up the doctor to ask what was going on (the time they said they would know the results had very much been and gone) to then be told he was going to be sent home, giving one of three reasons for the chest pain (so they didn't know for sure what was going on inside my dad's body.)
I am sure that these doctors and nurses know what they are doing, but I felt that we were left. I was worried sick about my dad the whole time, (ditto dad) and that didn't get brought into account (with the exception of a very kind paramedic, who explained their procedure to me and not to worry about why he was taking so long to get to hospital.)
All it would of taken was a nurse to come over a short time after dad got into MAU to explain what would be going on and why.
I am so grateful that dad is home, that we got so much support from our friends and family, and that they hopefully have worked out the problem, but I just wanted dad and I to be treated like worried humans who needed an explanation, and dad to be treated a bit less than a waste of a hospital bed.
I know there are so many amazing, kind, caring nurses and doctors, some I know personally. I feel that these minority who don't care, let down the others. These people do amazing work every single working day of their lives. When my nan was in ITU, I was ringing up to see what was going on, and when I rushed to get there when nan died, the doctors and nurses were so kind. You could really tell that these nurses truly cared for their patients, and I'm sure the doctors did too.
I hope that if I have to be in hospital again (for whatever reason) that the nurses and doctors would just explain what is going on, like the amazing doctors and nurses did for me in ITU with my nan.
All I will focus on now is getting dad better, and to sort out the house for our party on the 30th. I hope that everyone who reads this post has had a wonderful, healthy Christmas, and will have a happy, if slightly drunken new year. x

One step at a time

As you know from my earlier blog posts, I had been finding it really difficult to get back to the gym. 

Thanks to some help from my friends Danny and Abi, I am back on track to where I want to be.

I had my weigh in today- I was pretty nervous, I hadn't had a proper weigh and measure for a while, so it felt like my first one all over again. I had nothing to worry about, I've lost 8lbs and 5 1/4 inches! That is such a big step forward for me, having the feeling that I really am getting somewhere. I have some serious determination, and my fighting spirit back, and it's seeping into other areas of my life- I had work after the gym today, and I am really enjoying it. 

Hopefully this weight coming off will help with my issues of self worth. If I am being honest I don't really think much of myself, I worry so much about what people think of me, I get paranoid, and when I look in the mirror most days, I feel ugly, and disgusted by what I see. I know that I have to focus on the good things about me, but it's hard. When you are at that low point, you can't see the good in you, and you can't believe what others say to you either. If I heard one of my friends say this to me, I would show them this picture. Maybe I should listen to myself more often. 

Before I open another tin of worms, I should stop. So on that rather random note, I wish you all a very good week. x

Getting Back to Normal

It's been very mixed couple of days this week.

I have felt very proud of myself that I have got myself back in the gym- I have got back up to my 3x a week regime and I feel so much happier about myself. I am trying very hard to eat healthily again as well. It isn't a 'diet', because a diet implies it's temporary. It's not. I hate it when people say it is as well. I hate it when people judge me by what I eat as well. Focus on what is going in YOUR mouth, not mine!! 

Yesterday was a bit of a down day for me- my bus was half hour late, therefore making me late for work. Considering I have to prove myself to have a chance of staying on as permanent staff, it doesn't help. I also had a really pervy customer, and it made me feel really awkward and cheap. Lush crew helped me a lot, and I really owe them, they were so kind and caring :) (and Dan getting me some hot twins defo cheered me up! :P)

I do feel that I am starting to prove myself at work now though, and if anything, I am finding that Lush is the best sort of therapy :)

Having the early morning shifts during the week is also really good to help me get up early in the morning, and really appreciate when I have a lie in. I think having a structure is really good for me, and I think having a job helps me as well. Lets hope I can keep the job! If not, then I hope I would of made some awesome friends on the way :) x

It's going to be a hard day....

Today is graduation day. All of my class will be graduating, and I'm in Portsmouth. Doing nothing. I thought that because I got paid today, I would go out shopping to forget about it. If my suspicions are correct, I can't afford to buy anything. I can't go out yet, as the plumber/central heating guy is here, and all those photos of everyone's graduations will be thrown onto facebook. I'm feeling a bit miserable to say the least.
For the first time in history, I am going to ban myself from facebook for a day. It will stop me seeing so much graduation stuff. The pictures won't come for a while, and I'll probably be bombarded by them when I next go on, but it can't be helped. People deserve to put their achievements on facebook if they so choose.
I have to find something to do. Maybe I should of gone to Wales today with dad and daniel. I might do a bit of violin practice, (say hello to the old girl ;) ) go to the gym, sort out banking crap.
I know I will get through this, because in a couple of months I will have my graduation, (if Canterbury ever get their act together!) and I will be making a new start at Chichester. I will be working hard, and when I graduate, I will deserve the degree that I want.
All will be fine. It doesn't mean that it isn't difficult now.

I wish the rest of my class a wonderful graduation, and if you need me for something, ring me as I won't be on facebook! x

It's the little things...

Today, and the last couple of days have been giving me new opportunities by the minute!
I found out at student loans that both my years at Chichester uni will be fully funded, which is a good weight taken off my mind.
I got back to the gym yesterday. Big achievement for me, as I have recently neglected the gym. It felt even better to of gone to the gym with Abi today- it's good to have someone there beside you, quietly pushing you on. (Thank you for all those people who have helped get my sorry arse to the gym :D )
I've been talking with my advisor, and been given some real help as to how to deal with my panic moments, and to release some of the tension building up.
I have work tomorrow, which I always enjoy, and the time I can test my panic theories. I get paid on Friday, and cannot wait to get monies, get my ticket to the cascades partay and let loose!
Slowly, my life is turning back into the positive times in September.
I also had a good facebook clear out. Getting rid of those friends of whom I will never speak to, (but wish the best obviously) and those complete dicks that I didn't get rid of soon enough. This feels like a clean slate, getting rid of some of the negativity, and replacing it with hope.
These little things probably seem insignificant, but these little things will make a good impact on my mood, on my outlook of things, which is very important at the moment.
Hooray for the little things :D x

Climbing back up by my teeth

I have been finding it really difficult lately. My downs have come back, and I feel like I'm bothering everyone if I ring them and explain what's going on with me. I still want help, I just can't ask for it. It has made me lose my motivation, and I feel that all my hard work has been for nothing weight wise.
I am trying to get help though. I am with the italk service, which helps me a lot. I had a chat with my councellory person and she says it sounds like seasonal affective disorder (SAD for short). I now have to get a special lamp. (for some reason I'm rather excited by this prospect. Mainly because I could solve problems with a lamp!...)
One of the other issues I have been dealing with is opening up to people at Lush. I think they are all awesome and lovely folk, but I can't seem to open up, and it makes me act all strange, something I don't understand myself.
I think it's mainly me not opening up about my mum and nan dying. (with the added thing of trying to prove myself)
I used to open up to people so easily, and now? I am scared that telling them, they would pity me, and judge me differently, and tell everyone (which is what happened for the most part in Canterbury). On the other side, I won't be able to be myself until I tell them. After the chat, I feel that I have the courage to tell a very select few about my circumstances, so when I am next in, I will be opening up.
I have had other help today as well. A friend in Canterbury has been writing a new blog about his weight loss. His new blog post definitely struck a chord with me today. Want to throw in the towel? Is very close to home at the moment. I have stopped going to the gym lately. It was originally because of my back problems that I had. After that though, I have lacked motivation and drive to go. Danny made the point that the first step is the hardest, and as long as you are making short steps, you are still making progress.
I now feel that I can get myself back on track, and I honestly have him to thank. It's been a low day for me, but also productive (for a down day). I will get through this. I just have to realise that I can't do everything at once, tis all.
x

I somehow have a degree...

I saw my post from Canterbury CCU and thought that I have got my HE Dip through the post. I open my mail and find I have a Bachelor of Music degree!
This has just made my life VERY confusing! I really want to go to Chichester University next year. It has such a good music department, with so many wonderful people (WAY less bitchy than Canterbury!). I now have so many doubts. Now that I have my degree, I feel it is very cheeky of me to do two years of a BA (music) course. What I want is to have a degree with honours. It is again going to be a very tough decision for me.
I think what frustrates me most is that I had everything sorted out, and then suddenly it's made everything up in the air again.
I also think that Canterbury have treated me extremely poorly throughout the whole situation. I have had no help or support. These people then assumed that I would be coming back, (hell no) and then when they found out I was withdrawing, I had to then prompt them to give me my HE Dip. It took an absolute age for a start, and I had no warning that I was to get a degree at all.
In hindsight, they have not given me any support at all throughout my degree. My mum and nan died, and all I got was tip-toed around, and had my personal details spread around the department.
At least I know I made the right decision to withdraw from Canterbury. I suppose that's a plus, right??x