The light at the end of the tunnel

It is nearing the end of training for my sailor. My anxiety this past two weeks has been pretty bad. But I have started a managing moods workshop, which is good to take the edge off. It gives me the tools to start the fight. My sailor has also been extremely helpful, explaining a lot to me this weekend, and I have met more of his family as well.
I dropped him off, my least favourite bit saying goodbye to him.
I've cried my tears though. I feel so much more positive about the whole situation. Now I can start to understand what they do, it makes life easier for me. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the less my anxiety fills in the gaps. I feel so much stronger, and like I can do this.
I have also realised that my anxiety isn't my supervillain. My anxiety is my superhero, but just constantly trying to save the day when it's unnecessary.
13 days to go. And I can't wait to see him, and can't wait for him to enjoy his time away before he's back.
Let's do this!

Plymouth: The Aftermath.

I have been waiting for this weekend to see my sailor ever since before he went away on his training. Counted down the days.
Had the best weekend with him ever. Never been to Plymouth before, but enjoyed what I saw of the city. Enjoyed spending some quality time together.
Then comes the dreaded moment you have to return them to the ship. Kisses and cuddles were had. Tears were shed (once I got back into the car). That drive home, where part of you wants to turn back, and the other half desperate to get home as soon as possible.
Getting home happy you are back in your own bed, but it doesn't feel right as he's not there. I'm sure that will change soon enough 😂
But in the end you get the jist. It felt like he was going away for training all over again and I was going to have to do this all over again.
He is coming home for a weekend soon, but it just didn't feel the same.
I was in such a funk. To a certain extent, it's worse to go there for a weekend, because it makes you miss them all the more when you are back and they aren't. I wouldn't change that weekend for the world though.
Having your support around you is so essential in these times. I am very lucky to have amazing people in my life to be able to support me.
Also, I have realised, get yourself out the damn house. The housework can wait. If it gets you out of a funk, do it.
I dropped sailors stuff off round the family house, and ended up having a chat with his mum for hours. It was so nice to have someone there who can truly understand what it is like. To be able to talk about things on your mind and they understand completely. Much better than you do in fact.
I will forever be grateful he doesn't trust me to do his washing 😂

Reminiscing.

So I sit here in my flat, listening to classical music, reading my book, and mostly feel so content. I have the confidence that I can spend time in my own company. I do have a couple of things worrying me at the moment, but I have mainly sent anxiety off for a time out after a tantrum.
This time last year I was in India, by myself in a tour group, getting a true taster of what being by yourself is like.
It's bloody awesome.
I did what I wanted. I said what I meant. I experienced a new culture. I had a revelation, a feeling of pure freedom. I healed a lot of wounds.
I just don't think I would be in the position I am now without the India trip.
I also don't think I would have had the India trip, and I don't think it would have meant so much if I didn't have the dark days.
Whilst I don't wish bad times upon myself, they are a necessary evil. They take you out of your comfort zone. You make brave decisions when you are out of your comfort zone, not in it.
I remember when I saw the Taj Mahal, getting close to going in, and just feeling so overwhelmed with emotion. I just couldn't have imagined that my life, or that year would lead me to see one of the seven wonders of the world.
And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Our group in Jaisalmer desert

At the Taj Mahal

Well hello anxiety, nice to see you again....

This morning the anxiety kicked in. I checked my emails to see if my sailor messaged me when I woke up; knowing that a message wouldn't just randomly appear from the middle of the night. Shock horror. No email. My anxiety just went into overdrive, thinking 'well he obviously doesn't care'.
And I was doing so well. After my last post, I kept my routine of going to the gym with my friend, which really helps give me an accomplishment. It also helps me burn off the pineapple fritters that may have accidentally entered my gob Saturday night...
I also booked Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for this Thursday. I am a lover of drag, and am part of a facebook group that celebrates drag in all its forms, and going with a friend from there. I was feeling so positive, getting on with everything.
At first, I believed what my anxiety villain thought. Well if he hasn't messaged he obviously doesn't care. There must have been some opportunity for him to message me, right?
Then the superhero voice of reason kicked in. He hasn't let me down yet. He always lets me know when he is losing signal. He always tries to send a message through to me while he's away. If he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went away.
This is the first time that I have been able to independently fight off my super villain without the help of someone else. I am so proud of myself that this has happened. I still get slight twinges trying to come through. But it hasn't broken my superhero's shield yet.
Small victories and all that. I don't believe in coincidences, so maybe I was meant to have this moment to prove to myself I can do this by myself. Having friends around to support you is brilliant, but in the end, you can only truly rely on yourself.

My Indian Welcome

I think also keeping myself busy does help with that as well. I decided to have a little mosey over to my memories, and realised that it was this time last year that I arrived in India! It feels a lifetime ago that I was there! I remember India as such a life changing trip for me, that really helped me to truly heal the wounds from that year. Those memories will stay with me for a very long time. My memories from this time last year was the anxiety and the excitement rolled into one. Trying to navigate through Dehli International airport, trying to find my luggage thinking it had got lost, ended up meeting two of my party at the airport. But I had got there. I got to a different continent for the first time in my life. I remember feeling pure wonder at being in a country that I have always wanted to go explore. I also remember that in the end, I had to just carry on and get on with my anxiety, as I had only myself to rely on whilst I was out there.
It has occurred to me that sometimes you need these kind of situations to force you to see your strength, to force you to grow as a human. I wouldn't have grown so much if I had stayed at home. I grew from the India experience because I had no choice. I will grow from fighting my anxiety off, because in the end, I will either let my anxiety ruin something that brings me happiness, or not.
I choose not.

Getting used to "away time" for the first time

So my sailor and I haven't been together for very long. It feels like it is still so new because it's hard for us to see each other. Yesterday he went away for training. Communication is pretty much a bare minimum at times. He'll be away for 7 weeks. I am hoping to go visit him for a couple of weekends, which will be amazing. It's really good practice, because I would like to think we will stay together, and if so he'll be on deployment for 6 months next year.
I have had so many emotions though trying to get used to this life. Partly I have felt sad that I won't be able to see him properly for that time. Another thought is that I know the sea is his biggest passion. I would never want to stop him from pursuing a passion of his. The same way as he wouldn't want me to stop pursuing my passion for music. Another feeling is pride that he is in this profession. Another thought is it gives me a chance to sort out the house, and to truly show it off when he gets back. Another side that unfortunately comes out is my anxiety. The anxiety can play horrible tricks with your mind. It makes you think he doesn't care. I just keep reminding myself that if he didn't care, he would have ended it before he went on training. But after all these thoughts running through your head, it leaves you feeling a bit odd.
It's day two, and I am adjusting to not being able to communicate with him. It's similar to when they go out to sea. I'm checking my phone less. I'm getting on with my life. Keeping myself busy. Sorting out the house. I have joined a facebook group, so that way I can talk to people if I need to, and I can see that I am not alone in feeling like this. People who truly understand how I feel. My friends have been brilliant support, but it is a different world.
It has made me realise that the best way to deal with this for me is to keep myself busy. Start a new project. Go see my friends. Plan weekends away. Live my life. Remember why I thought it would work so well in the first place. The chance to have my freedom. But not just whilst he is away, whilst he is home too. I would like to think he'll want to see me when he's back. But he hasn't seen his family or friends either. Or had some time to himself.
My freedom doesn't begin when he is away. My freedom is a permanent fixture.
I also always thought that I was meant for a relationship that wasn't easy. It sounds weird. It sounds immodest, but I think we are picked for these relationships- because we have the strength to deal with it. I just need to look inside myself and see how I have conquered much harder battles. I have coped with horrific grief. I cope with anxiety that can cripple me. I can cope with him being away. I also need to see the plus sides as well. I think that will come after he has been away for a little while and it has settled down.
Until that point, I feel Ms Carey has got it perfectly.

Rachel Update and new beginnings

A lot has happened since I first started this blog. A lot has happened since my last blog post. I was in a very low point in my life. I was lucky to have the support of a few close friends around me. I went to India. I became a new woman. I became an independent lover of life. I was happy just being by myself. I started to truly heal the wounds of 2017.
2018 has really truly been a year of new starts. I started working as a violin teacher, which has truly been a goal to use my degree to its full use. I went back to an old job that I absolutely loved. I started a new job. I realised that money definitely helps, but having a job that makes you happy is what matters. I have realised that I really am truly good at my jobs, because I actually enjoy what I am doing.
I went to Vietnam and Cambodia in August with my oldest friend. I feel so lucky to have had that experience. I feel so lucky to be able to explore my love of travelling. Vietnam and Cambodia also made me realise that you can have anxiety, yet still be really brave. Though I was a complete mess before I went with my anxiety. I am so proud to say that I was one of the bravest people on that trip. I completed the Chu Chi Tunnels. Only 3 out of 13 of us did it. I faced my fear of heights, and went to a Sky bar in Saigon. After the initial fear, I ended up really enjoying the evening. I wasn't going to let my fear stop me from doing it though. I also ate tarantula, scorpion, and cricket. It's like I did all my worrying before my holiday, so I could be completely free of it whilst I was there.
I have also got on to the property ladder. I am still trying to get everything sorted out, but I am getting there. I have been getting frustrated that it isn't organised yet. I want it to be perfect. I keep being told though that it really is one step at a time. It will be fine. I have also noticed that I have been starting to trust my own judgement when it comes to decisions in my house. I know what I want, and I just want to be able to see my vision through.
Another development is that I have a new man in my life. I am really happy that they are in my life, I am just getting used to being with someone who is in the forces. There is so much to try and learn and understand. The way I think is the more I understand, the more it helps the relationship.
He is away now for 7 weeks, and this is the longest time I have spent away from him so far. But not just away, without proper communication as well. I know that deployment is going to be much longer (more like 6 months), but I have found it a bit difficult. When you are with someone in the forces, partly having that reassurance from them really helps. In the end though, you really have to know for yourself that they care about you. Not just that, but that you care about yourself.
I try and look at the benefits. It gives me the freedom that I always crave. I get to truly enjoy being by myself in my flat. I get the time to myself to sort through everything in my own time. I get time to be with my friends.
I also had some brilliant advice from a friend who was in the army. It is better to make the most of what you have together, try to not worry about what could happen later, or if something could change. Life is short. Enjoy it!
I probably will end up writing in this blog more often now, as I have found being able to write down my thoughts has really helped. It may not be all the time, but I'm just going to use it to be able to just write down how I feel, and if other people in the same position want to connect and chat, please feel free! It would be great to talk to other people in the same situation!

Budapest- The reviews are in.

So had my second trip of the year to Budapest in Hungary, with my best friend. Whilst it sounds very similar to Bucharest, where I have been before, with Hungary and Romania bordering each other, these two city breaks couldn't be more different.
Abi and I have been on a city break before, so we knew what we are like. Thankfully she still thought it was ok to go on holiday with me. This time we were much more prepared when it came to the trip. We started looking for what we wanted to go visit a good two weeks before we went, and we started loosly planning our days there when we were there, still able to stay much more flexible.
Another interesting thing I found about Budapest was the amount of american tourists that were there. It felt like there were more american tourists there than there were british. It didn't bother me, but was quite surprised when you consider how far away the USA is. It did make me realise though how lucky we as europeans are. We have the option of having a mini break away to a different country, where most flights are barely more than 3 hours long. Some people don't have that luxury.
Before I get into the details of my trip, another thing I noticed was the pride of Hungarians and their food. You never wanted to try any other food, because there was so much choice of hungarian food that you never needed to. I bought a hungarian cookbook, so that I am able to attempt to recreate some of the amazing food that I tried whilst out there.
Day One
Abi and I had a pretty early start, with a 6am morning flight from Gatwick. We decided to get ourselves Budapest cards for the trip and got them at the airport. We got to our hotel at roughly 10:30 with our room ready, so we were able to go straight into our room and drop our stuff off, freshen up and get out into Budapest. We did get ourselves lost to start with, but once we understood where we were, it was much easier to work out our routes and what we were doing.
We spent the afternoon looking at St Stephen's Basilica, and went to the Panorama point as well. Even with my fear of heights, it was lovely to see the beautiful views of the city.
This was the point we both realised that Budapest was quite an expensive city. We needed to be a bit more crafty with our spending, and change some of our plans. Because of this, we decided to eat somewhere local for dinner. Also
meant we could have an early night to relax and catch up on some sleep.
Day Two
Went to the Hungarian National Museum in the morning, where we ended up spending a good two hours. There was so much different history to look at, it did scramble my brain slightly!
So after lunch we decided that we had explored a fair amount of the Pest side, and went over to the Buda side. We mainly used the castle bus on the Buda side, as it was free with our Budapest cards. We explored a craft market, and then headed over to the Budapest History Museum for the later afternoon. After feeling all museum'ed out, we headed back to our hotel, and decided to go back over to the Buda side again for dinner at Marxims.
After realising that a large glass of wine was only costing me roughly £1.50, we had a brilliant evening ending up in Mc Donald's with Mc Flurry's. Classy birds we are XD
Day Three
We were all museum'ed out from yesterday, so took a slightly more laid back approach to the day. We decided to travel further south and stumbled across the Central market that we were both interested in. One of my favourite parts of the trip. We did plan to take the water bus to say we had been on the river, but there was something that always happened to stop us from getting on.
So instead we decided to have a pit stop for a drink and head back over to the Buda side. We used the castle bus the most this day, going to the Fisherman's Bastion, saw St Matthias church, went to the 3D show about Hungarian history, the Hungarian flag, and Mary Magdalene tower.
Later in the afternoon we went to Szamos chocolate cafe and museum for a look around, and headed back to our hotel to get ready for our last night; where we went to Ven Hajo for dinner.
Day Four
Had a lazier morning having breakfast and getting packed ready to go. We decided to go back to the Central market to grab some more bits, and take advantage of the traditional street food that they had to offer in there.

To round it up, I really enjoyed my time in Budapest, and appreciated the history of Budapest and Hungary. It really would be a waste to go to this beautiful city and not be able to truly immerse yourself in the history and the wonderful food they have to offer. I would go back there in a couple of years time to be able to do all the things that we didn't get a chance to do this trip. A couple of tips if you were thinking of going:
- Take a fair amount of money. I took £130 worth for three nights, but ended up changing some of my left over Romanian currency to bump it up. I would recommend at least £175. Weirdly though the drink was pretty cheap. One night we got a glass of wine for under 50p!
- Get the Budapest card. Worth the investment if you are going to be seeing a lot of the different sites, and the map you get given is a godsend regarding metro stations.
- Watch out for the service charges out there. They add on a percentage to your bill as standard. Even when you just get drinks.
- The castle bus is brilliant, unless you can see a big group trying to get on. These are small buses, so one big group can take up a whole bus. There are buses over there as well that you can use that would be just as helpful
Some recommendations for your trip:
* Get a hotel slightly nearer to the centre of Budapest. Will save you time getting in and out
* Central Market is a really nice place to go for shopping and interesting presents.
* Marxim is a brilliant pub restaurant with that rundown sarcastic communist feel.
* Ven Hajo is a wonderful restaurant on the danube. Beautiful food and views of Buda.

Well that has rounded up Budapest, now the big trip to come- India!