What you put up with

It is funny what you put up with for so long.

As you well know, I have been dealing with these tummy problems for ages, and am doing my food diary and a tummy diary, to try and find a pattern.

Looking through the diary, ready for Monday, has made me realise what I have put up with for so long!

Virtually every morning this week I have woken up feeling ill. Two out of the four days, I have felt unwell during the day. Only today, I have woken up feeling fine, and have had no negative tummy problems so far.

I think partly you only realise that you are unwell when you see the evidence with your own eyes, and how it affects you as a person. I think also hindsight is a wonderful thing. The times when I thought I was fine when I wasn't show up more, because you truly feel better physically and within yourself.

Not all bad eh :P

One of the times that really sticks with me was when I went to Corfu this year on holiday.

For the first day or two I felt ok, but as the week carried on, I was feeling really ill with my tummy, and as a knock-on effect was becoming quite irritable. Thankfully, my partner understood and helped me through.

Looking back, I was very unwell, but carried on; I was just determined to have a good time on holiday.

I think sometimes we forget the problems aren't just to do with health. The knock on effects can affect your loved ones as well.

I want to be able to be better for myself obviously, but also for my partner. He has been that support for quite a while, and when it is sorted it will never be forgotten.

So here's to all those who look after their loved ones, because truly, you are amazing! x

The Lemon Drizzle Cake Theory

Well, today has been one of those days.
One of the ladies brought in a wonderful lemon drizzle cake, and after I resisted the ginger biscuits yesterday, could not quite resist a slice, especially when everyone else was enjoying it. (Thank you Kirsty, it tasted yummy :) )
I think temptation is one of those things- what is one person's temptation, isn't another person's. I think also resisting is a technique you get better at with time. If you are used to saying 'yes' to all that food then it is harder to resist, but the more you get used to saying no, the easier it becomes. Now I am not saying that I say no to everything, as the drizzle cake shows, but I am learning to be a bit more picky in the treats I have. It is a long process, and in time, I might even say no to cake more often, but my thought is that denying yourself of everything just makes you want it more. Having that little amount of something you really enjoy isn't a bad thing.
Obviously though, my stomach thought something was a bad thing today! I have been trying to swap my lunch and dinner sizes around to try and help my metabolism and my digestion. As I had an hour lunch, I thought I'd go out and have a main meal- within 20 minutes of finishing, I felt absolutely appalling, and after my evening tea as well. The problems don't bother me so much though, because I know when Katie sees my food diary, it should be another piece of the puzzle.

Feeling proud in my shirt:)

After all these problems with my stomach, I wanted to see the positives of everything going on with my body. I had this work shirt which I liked, but didn't wear often because it was tight around my boobs and waist. I tried it on this evening, and had no trouble at all! It makes me feel so proud of the work I have been putting in to change my lifestyle and feel healthier, inside and out.
So tomorrow, I will be wearing my shirt with pride, knowing that I can do it :)

Finding the Positives

I went to go see Katie yesterday for my weekly weigh in and looking at the food diary. Had a weigh in, and gained two pounds. This is the first week I have gained weight, but then it didn't come as a shock. I haven't eaten so well and started exercising again, so the combination of both could have contributed. I know though that I can get it back off, so I'm not so upset about it as I would have been a while ago.
The main focus of my session this time was stomach problems I have been facing. I have been feeling unwell for a while now, and my doctor kept fobbing me off, saying that it is my weight. I felt so alone, because no-one seemed to want to help me with my problems. Now I have someone there, supporting me each step of the way. I feel it is such a weight off my mind now, and has pushed me to be able to keep motivated.
I am carrying on with my food diaries, but now have to add in when I don't feel well, and the exact symptoms I have been having. That way I will find the source of the problems, and as a result, should lose weight easier.
Why my doctor couldn't have done this earlier, I'm not sure. Hey ho. I have to now forget the problems my doctor has caused/change doctors, and I think that will be another chapter shut.
Anyhoo, I am off to Zumba, so have a lovely evening, I definitely will! :D

Catching up and being a loser again

It really has been too long since I have blogged, so will fill you in!

-I now have my degree in music (II:i), which I am very proud of, and have made some brilliant music friends/contacts in the process.

-I have a full driving licence, making life sooo much easier!

-Went on holiday with my Dad and brother to Turkey (

-And of course, that Ice Bucket Challenge!

My biggest change though, has been quite recent. I have been seeing two ladies at my doctors regarding my weight. This was after I had a bad run in with my doctor, who decides that every problem I have is because I am fat, and my boyfriend (who she has never met) is a feeder who "likes to keep his chubby girlfriend chubby".

Not very nice.

The girls who have been helping me, Chloe, and now Katie, have been the complete opposite- supportive, caring and give me good tips foodwise. They have made me keep a food diary, which I recommend to everyone, because you don't truly realise what you eat until you write it down!

After about 2 months(ish) I have lost 10 lbs, and feel so proud of myself!

I am quite nervous about my weigh in tomorrow though- went out to eat with the work girls last Friday, went away for the weekend, and had a takeaway this Friday, so not my healthiest, hopefully going back to Zumba after the summer break, with a fair amount of walking helped to combat that. Either way, I am starting to feel better with myself, and happier, and lucky to have my loved ones there supporting me every step of the way.

My next goal is to feel better about the seatbelt on a plane. It seems a bit of a strange goal to have, but I feel I really need to believe in myself more, and believe what the scales are telling me. 

I had such a panic when I went away on holiday last time about the seatbelt fitting, I couldn't really properly get excited about the flight and the trip for worrying about the seatbelt. 

My next trip away is to Berlin in December for the Christmas markets, and don't want to feel like that again. I'm enough of a worrywort as it is!

Also, I don't want to ruin my friends' trip with me harping on about the seatbelt of all things.

Hopefully we'll be too excited by the markets, and the Christmas atmosphere :D

Who wouldn't be excited to drink mulled wine/hot chocolate and go shopping???

So here goes..!

Self Esteem

Today, I have come to an important conclusion. I may stand up for myself at times, I may act confident towards others, but I find it difficult to appreciate myself.
It is a very hard thing to own up to, saying you have low self esteem, when people think you are a confident girl.
It is also a very hard thing to fix. It becomes one of those things you just try to learn to live with. It shouldn't be like that though.
Caring about others is obviously very important, however loving yourself is the most important thing that you can do. Making sure you are happy is the most important thing.
I never really understood this, and always thought it was very selfish to act like this. I have now realised that it isn't selfish to love yourself, it is self preservation, and you won't be any use to anyone else if you don't love yourself.
So I have an action plan. Write out all the things you love about yourself, and the things you hate. At first, all I could think of were the bad things. I started to find the good things. I then need to keep reminding myself of the good things, and try and accept the bad, or sort them out.
It sounds so simple when you put it out like that. As many people know, it's not. Trying to battle against your own mind is difficult. We all get down days, we have people trying to put us down, and we have to find a way to push through it.
I for one, find it difficult to be able to get back up after a fall. Tomorrow I will find it difficult. Next month I will still find it difficult. But at some point, I will be able to pick myself back up and love myself. I cannot wait until that day arrives.
Until that moment, I must have faith in God and myself, to be able to move forward, that I am getting there. x

Valentine's Day- the ever losing battle

As some may of seen from last year, I am normally the 'Bah Humbug' type when it comes to Valentine's day. This is due to the fact that I have always been single at this time of year, and having couples being all coupley helped remind me that I was alone, and that there was no day to celebrate being single!

This year however, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and was really excited about my first Valentine's day, until I realised we wouldn't actually see eachother Valentine's Day. We swapped presents yesterday, and he gave me a bunch of flowers today, which was incredibly sweet of him. I realised I didn't really need to see him that day, it wasn't that important. We all (whether in a relationship or not) need to be loving 365/366 days of the year, not just one.
It feels strange though. I have never hidden the fact that I am in a relationship, as I have never felt the need to. My friends know that I am with him, they know I haven't changed for the worse in the process, that they are still amazing in my eyes.
Today though, I felt like I couldn't really say that I love him publicly, for the fear of ridicule, being a hypocrite against my old self, or without the feeling that I have to apologise for being in a relationship.
Basically on Valentine's you cannot win. If you are single, you think you are missing out, and you get the pity party, if you aren't, you feel compelled to keep quiet about it.
I wonder why we all put so much importance on this one day. Why do we feel we need to declare our love on this one particular day? Why is it when we are single that we have so much hate for this day?
Maybe one year, we should all ignore Valentine's. Then ironically there would be more love and respect going on with eachother.
Until this happens, Happy Valentine's Day to you all! :) xxx

Learning to be a Palm tree

I have had a very inspired morning with a very inspirational woman. I have been having some of life's little issues lately, and she gave me a wonderful way of dealing with the problem.
I am a very stubborn person by nature, (I like to think it's my Taurean roots coming through) and I used to find it was a sign of weakness to just give in. She proved to me that giving a little, and compromise is also a sign of strength. She used the example of a Palm tree (which for those who know me is a funny co-incidence). The palm tree is one of the tallest trees, yet for it to stay upright, it needs to sway in the wind. For me, the western equivalent is the willow tree- tough, but very pliant. Neither of these trees allow themselves to be broken easily, yet is still pliant. This is where I now get my inspiration. I need to stay tough, not break, yet still have the option to go with the flow, compromise, and carry on.
What I also have realised, is that for me to stand up for myself, for me to stand strong, I need to truly love myself. I need to prepare myself, and decide for myself what I am going to do in situations.
Once I have that self love back again, then I can move forward with my life.

Little baby steps are the way forward. One step at a time :)