Talking about my life. May include traces of:
Confidence, self worth, and self esteem
Anxiety
Forces gf life
Travel
Music
Anything I fancy writing about
I feel so sorry for one of my guy mates right now! I've been moaning about everything under the sun today. He's just got the brunt of it. He has made me realise something so very important. I've been putting barriers between the guy like and myself. Also, he said that I'm only 21, that it's not the end of the world. I can't believe that I didn't see it myself.
I won't see all the good things if I keep worrying about the bad. I won't be able to tell if a guy likes me if I don't even attempt to like myself. If I keep seeing all the bad bits then that's all there will ever be. In a sense, you have to make your own luck. You have to have faith in yourself to get the good things. I feel another couple of bricks coming down from the wall. It also makes me realise how much I value my friend, mainly for putting up with my moaning :p
The last thing it made me realise? I wouldn't be the best I can be wthout the awesome friends I have supporting me x
P.S if you do like me, I am a bit oblivious (another thing I realised :p)
Today has been such a positive day. I have been thinking about doing the Race for Life this year, and after a conversation with a friend, I will definitely be doing it. Apparently, this year, Cancer Research has come up with an idea to go in groups. This way we can fundraise together for a group target. Dad said that he would help me train on Saturday mornings, and keeping up with the curves workouts.
The only niggling part is that my money comes through tomorrow. I have wanted to do this for a while now, especially after mum died, that I just want to attack this with all that it deserves. As it says on the website, each step we run is helping raise money to beat this dreadful disease. For me, I want to raise money, so that never again, will a child or a teenager lose their mum (or dad) to Cancer.
If you want to run with me, the group ID is RP7304 (we are called the dynamos!). The more the merrier, and the more likely we'll hit the £500 target I think we can raise. If you don't want to run, and you want to donate, then please donate on http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/the-dynamos
For me, when I do this, it will be a personal achievement. Not only will I of jogged the whole way, helping my fitness, but I would like to think that my mum would be proud of me. Doing this for both my mum and Jules will be an honour. They were both formidable women in their own right, and I feel they will be cheering us on, and motivating us (proverbially) from the finishing line.
So here's to Mum and Jules! x
I've been watching Loose Women lately, and Sanjeev Bhaskar was on promoting his daytime telly series, 'The Indian Doctor'. I thought why not? It's not as if I have anything interesting in my life at the moment! I actually really enjoyed watching it, and one thing really struck a chord with me. I know that this is fictional, but the premise of the story really interested me morally. I have no qualms about me saying I am a Christian. I won't ram scripture down your throat, and I won't try to convert you (two disclaimers I always have to say just in case.) In the latest episode, a young boy has got smallpox (set in the 60s, it wasn't as rare as it is now) and is very distressed, having to be in isolation (as well as the whole village). The village folk that will/have come into contact with the child has to be vaccinated first. The health people only send 7 vaccinations at first, and the doctor has to decide who gets the first seven. The interesting part in the story is when the parish priest declines the vaccine, saying that prayer will keep him safe. As a Christian, I find this a bit peculiar, and reminds me of a story once told to me:
"A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.
A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”
The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”
As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”
The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”
The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.
A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”
Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.
When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”
And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”
I know this is a very long story, but the point was that this priest is waiting for something from God, a miracle, but he misses the opportunity to help himself. I do not understand his logic. He then proceeds to join the boy in isolation (without being vaccinated) to give the boy some comfort.
I found this partly a brave thing to do, but partly so frustrating. It is as if he is trying to test God and his theory, alike to the Roman soldiers/pharisees at Jesus's death. God gave him his body, and I don't believe it is his right to deliberately put it in danger. On the other hand, he is risking his life to comfort a very distressed boy, with no thought of the consequence on him.
The storyline definitely re-inforces my belief that God offers opportunities via other people. He could of still comforted the boy, after he got vaccinated. I just don't understand why he put himself in danger when there is an obvious solution to the problem.
This may be a bit too much faith for some, but I had to let it off my chest. I'm sure the next post will be a bit less religious ;) x
Yesterday was the day of the pageant (I would of wrote it last night, but frankly too tired).
5:30 am- got up to prepare
8:10 am- left house for the train
8:30- am got on train
10:00- got to Croydon
10:30- after a mad rush (and asking the staff from gregg's for directions,) got to the venue
11:30- started rehearsals
13:00- break
14:00- more rehearsals
15:30- interview section
16:00- break
17:20- start to get ready
18:30- ready to go
19:30- start
21:30- finish
22:20- leave the event
22:40- got on first train
23:20- got on second train
00:20- got to my station
00:40- got home
That may not seem so busy for some people, but honestly, it was such a tiring day!
The beginning of the day went smoothly, I had a serious moment of when I wasn't going to do it. Thankfully I snapped out of it 15 minutes later. I am so glad I did, it was such a fun day, meeting such amazing girls!
After arriving, and checking in, we were in rehearsals. The rehearsals were mainly going through the running order, and how everything would work. That for me was the most fun. I love stomping it out, and hopefully channelled enough of Tyra. The organisers/judges seemed to like it, which is all that mattered. I had some serious nerves for most of the afternoon break, but when I was out there and stomping it out, I could focus on having fun. One of the things I was most proud of was the swimwear/summer fun round. I was dreading walking out there in my swimsuit, but I did it, and feigned enough confidence that no-one noticed!
I didn't get into the top 5, but frankly, I didn't go there to win. Yes, it would of been nice, but not essential. I did win the award for being best in interview though!
Miss Weston-Super-Mare and I were walking to get to the train station, when we bumped into one of the judges (who also knew where she was going!!!), and got talking about the pageant. She said to both of us that we were in her top 5. She said that it wasn't because we were walking with her, (who knows) but apparently I was her number 4. I think that's a good achievement too.
I am very glad that I met such nice girls there too. I will admit it, I was very nervous about what the other girls would be like, but meeting them all, they were all so lovely, and most of them hadn't done pageants before either. I was the only one (that I know) who went there to build my self confidence. The rest of the girls already had it. That in a way helped boost my confidence, because it showed these women all had curves, they looked beautiful, and they were proud. When I was talking to some of them, and explaining my reasons for applying, (being a tom-boy, it would give me the chance to be girly, and to try and tackle some of my self-worth issues) they said they had serious respect for me. I hope they realise that to me, they are my role models. They helped take down another brick or two from the wall. They are what I strive to be. I may do a pageant next year, I may not. What I do know though, is that I don't need to be a stick to be beautiful. Sex appeal isn't about size, it's what you do with it. I can lose more weight, be healthy, and keep my curves. Most importantly,
Self worth doesn't come from being thin, it comes from being you. :) x
It is crazy how the pageant has crept up on me, it's tomorrow!! I'm mostly very nervous now, because I have to do girly things like hair and make up. I am appalling at doing hair and make up. A part of me is wondering why the hell I even thought about entering the competition in the first place. The other half of me knows it's nerves talking. The reason I entered this in the first place was because I wanted to take myself out of my comfort zone, to try and help me get my fire and self confidence back. Obviously I want to win, but for me, it is the experience I am most looking forward to. I think that seeing other girls/women who are size 14+ might give me a realistic attitude towards myself. I don't need to be skinny to feel attractive. It doesn't matter how many dress sizes I lose, it's how beautiful I feel on the inside.
My friends aren't able to make it unfortunately, but it'll also be a good way to show that I can rely on myself, and do things on my own.
On another happy note, my friend has got an interview for her doctorate! I'm so proud of her, she really deserves this opportunity, and I hope she gets it.
My favourite swimsuit I found on the site
On a more fashionista topic, being plus size I find it hard to find clothes, especially clothes that don't look like a potato sack. Yes, I have been losing weight, but I'm still not there yet!
I love all the vintage clothes, and I love the vintage look. It celebrates the curves on a woman's body, which is just non-existent in modern fashion. I have found an amazing american site- http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/ that sells beautful vintage clothes, that has a really decent plus size range, including swimsuits!
It is so difficult to buy a swimsuit that will fit you as a plus size girl (as I think fellow plusies will relate). Shops either think you have no boobs-very much not the case- or that we don't venture into the water. The swimsuit range here is from extra small to 2x. That is rare. It really looks as if it gives decent support, which again is very rare to find. The specific plus size range of their clothes are also beautiful, showing that they understand a fuller figured woman. When lent finishes, you can guess what my wardrobe might be full of!
It is so nice to see a shop that really does cater for all, hooray! Now all we need is this in the UK. Fingers crossed the website will get a UK branch soon! x
It's the beginning of lent, and you might be giving up something for it. Dad gives up alcohol every year. Jaymie is giving up chocolate and alcohol. Jen just the booze. Me? I thought I would give up something different this year.
A couple of years ago, I gave up chocolate, and it grew into junk food general. I know that if I want to, I can give up any of those things for lent. I just wanted to do something I've never done before. I'm giving up wasting my money irresponsibly. It may sound like such a little thing to you, but to me? It's going to be difficult. I am bad with money. I am definitely a lot better than what I was before, but it is still an issue with me. I don't keep proper tabs on my money at all. It will be good to see how much money I could save during lent, mainly just to prove to myself that I can do it. I think it will also make me question what I think is important. Is going out with my friends irresponsible money-wise? Is going out for a drink wasting money? I don't think I will be a recluse for the whole of lent by a long shot, but it will make me realise; I can save money and see my friends.
A good example was when I went to go see the lush girls today. I gave myself a limit to what I could spend. I still had a great time with them, but just didn't spend much (especially with the 20% discount at Sakura, my new favourite restaurant. NOM.).
Going out with them doesn't need a price tag, because it was so good to see them in the first place, and that is what friendship is all about.
I really value the friendship I have with them all. They are all so unique, so different. We all have different passions, but all so friendly, kind and caring. From a musicians point of view, I find it really nice and refreshing to not always talk about music. I love all my musician friends dearly, but coming from university, where all my friends were musicians, it's nice to have that change.
Anyway..the long and short of it, please don't get offended if I suggest cheap nights in/sound like a cheapskate. It's just my Lenten promise. x
On Sunday, after the panto dress rehearsal, some of us went out for what was going to be a quiet drink. I have not been so drunk since my younger teenage days (my 21st obviously doesn't count). I still feel very embarrassed about my behaviour around them- especially one of them, I will have it ripped out of me next time he sees me!- as at church (at least) I am supposed to be well behaved.
I used to be like that. When I was 17-19, I thought the most fun I could have was to drink as much as possible, and not remember the evening. It was my first year summer ball that was my turning point, and since then, I have reigned in my drinking quite a bit. I still get merry, and maybe a little bit drunk, but never to the extreme.
Lately seeing on facebook all these status's about partying heavily, made me wonder if I was just becoming a spoil sport. After the blinding performance on Sunday? I have more fun, ditto my friends, when I have less alcohol in my system.
The point of telling this slightly embarrassing story was that weirdly enough, Valentine's day was nice and sober. Mainly because I don't think I could stomach looking at alcohol, much less wine!
The slightly weirder bit of today was when I had to go into Cosham, was waiting for my Dad, and had two boys-who looked as if they were 12- check me out, look me up and down, give me the eyebrow, and carried on their conversation. I felt perved on by a 12 year old. How is that even possible?!?!
It was later in the day when the down kicked in. I knew it was going to happen at some point, it always does. At one point, I nearly told the guy I like that I liked him, but that fear just gets the better of me every time. I think what some people find hard to grasp, is that if you have issues with your self worth and self esteem, it's hard to think you are good enough for someone to like you in the first place. The fear of rejection is more deep rooted than just pride. I am angry at myself for not saying anything, but that fear feels like a wall that will always be in my way, turning me around.
I am starting to take down the wall, one brick at a time. It is going to take a while, but the wall looks less daunting than it did before.
Maybe by next year, Valentine's day will be much more fun.
Until then, I'm looking forward to pancake day! :D x
