Self Esteem

Today, I have come to an important conclusion. I may stand up for myself at times, I may act confident towards others, but I find it difficult to appreciate myself.
It is a very hard thing to own up to, saying you have low self esteem, when people think you are a confident girl.
It is also a very hard thing to fix. It becomes one of those things you just try to learn to live with. It shouldn't be like that though.
Caring about others is obviously very important, however loving yourself is the most important thing that you can do. Making sure you are happy is the most important thing.
I never really understood this, and always thought it was very selfish to act like this. I have now realised that it isn't selfish to love yourself, it is self preservation, and you won't be any use to anyone else if you don't love yourself.
So I have an action plan. Write out all the things you love about yourself, and the things you hate. At first, all I could think of were the bad things. I started to find the good things. I then need to keep reminding myself of the good things, and try and accept the bad, or sort them out.
It sounds so simple when you put it out like that. As many people know, it's not. Trying to battle against your own mind is difficult. We all get down days, we have people trying to put us down, and we have to find a way to push through it.
I for one, find it difficult to be able to get back up after a fall. Tomorrow I will find it difficult. Next month I will still find it difficult. But at some point, I will be able to pick myself back up and love myself. I cannot wait until that day arrives.
Until that moment, I must have faith in God and myself, to be able to move forward, that I am getting there. x

Valentine's Day- the ever losing battle

As some may of seen from last year, I am normally the 'Bah Humbug' type when it comes to Valentine's day. This is due to the fact that I have always been single at this time of year, and having couples being all coupley helped remind me that I was alone, and that there was no day to celebrate being single!

This year however, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and was really excited about my first Valentine's day, until I realised we wouldn't actually see eachother Valentine's Day. We swapped presents yesterday, and he gave me a bunch of flowers today, which was incredibly sweet of him. I realised I didn't really need to see him that day, it wasn't that important. We all (whether in a relationship or not) need to be loving 365/366 days of the year, not just one.
It feels strange though. I have never hidden the fact that I am in a relationship, as I have never felt the need to. My friends know that I am with him, they know I haven't changed for the worse in the process, that they are still amazing in my eyes.
Today though, I felt like I couldn't really say that I love him publicly, for the fear of ridicule, being a hypocrite against my old self, or without the feeling that I have to apologise for being in a relationship.
Basically on Valentine's you cannot win. If you are single, you think you are missing out, and you get the pity party, if you aren't, you feel compelled to keep quiet about it.
I wonder why we all put so much importance on this one day. Why do we feel we need to declare our love on this one particular day? Why is it when we are single that we have so much hate for this day?
Maybe one year, we should all ignore Valentine's. Then ironically there would be more love and respect going on with eachother.
Until this happens, Happy Valentine's Day to you all! :) xxx

Learning to be a Palm tree

I have had a very inspired morning with a very inspirational woman. I have been having some of life's little issues lately, and she gave me a wonderful way of dealing with the problem.
I am a very stubborn person by nature, (I like to think it's my Taurean roots coming through) and I used to find it was a sign of weakness to just give in. She proved to me that giving a little, and compromise is also a sign of strength. She used the example of a Palm tree (which for those who know me is a funny co-incidence). The palm tree is one of the tallest trees, yet for it to stay upright, it needs to sway in the wind. For me, the western equivalent is the willow tree- tough, but very pliant. Neither of these trees allow themselves to be broken easily, yet is still pliant. This is where I now get my inspiration. I need to stay tough, not break, yet still have the option to go with the flow, compromise, and carry on.
What I also have realised, is that for me to stand up for myself, for me to stand strong, I need to truly love myself. I need to prepare myself, and decide for myself what I am going to do in situations.
Once I have that self love back again, then I can move forward with my life.

Little baby steps are the way forward. One step at a time :)

New year, New challenges

This is my first post of the new year, so I know it is a little late, but happy new year to you all!

2012 has been such a turbulent year, but worked out well in the end. In a sense, 2013 is going to be a harder year for me. I have to keep up the momentum that 2012 gave me. I think the best way though is just to see how every day comes and work it out from there. 

But down to the nitty gritty. What resolutions did you make this year? I have three new year's resolutions. The first, which I have resolved to do for the third year running is to learn how to drive. I have more of a chance of actually doing this one, as I am having driving lessons. The second one is to save money. I am appalling at saving money! The complete opposite to my other half, who has saved money all his life. My third and final resolution is to cook more. Ever since I got the new Nigel Slater book for Christmas, I have not stopped raving about him. I realised that good food is not hard to make. I find I don't worry so much about being healthy, because I am making the food from scratch, and changing recipes slightly for my needs. 

All in all, I seem to be resolving to be an adult. I think partly it is a good thing, as I cannot act like a child anymore, and there are more people in my life now that I have to think of now. What would really prove that I am an adult is sticking to my resolutions. 

Everyone can make a resolution, but it takes hard work to keep them. I think the saving money one will be the tough one for me, but the other two are very achievable. After I have finished my university work, I think that I will go back to the gym, but for now, I may start going to zumba once a week, just to keep me going at least. When life gets busy, something has to give, but maybe not completely. 

What I have done though this year, is have two of my wisdom teeth out. I seem to have created an anxiety over my teeth, and when I heard I had to have a wisdom tooth out, I couldn't believe how unlucky I was. However, I am very lucky to of met a good dentist, and got two on my left side out on Tuesday. He let me borrow his ipod to listen to some classical music, let my other half sit in and hold my hand, and didn't mind when I accidentally kept biting his thumb (oops!). He advised me on what food to eat, gave me an extraction kit with full instructions on do's and don'ts, and got a courtesy call the day after my procedure to see how I have been getting on. I feel very lucky to have him as my dentist. It also isn't as bad as I first thought it would be. It didn't feel fabulous for the first 5 odd hours after, but I didn't feel the pain as I thought it would, and I could chew my dinner, which was a relief. I am on day 3 now, and whilst the pain seems to be more persistent in coming through, it is not bad at all.

Whilst I still can't completely open my jaw still, and I probably have an infection, at least I did it.

I am proud of myself for getting through the first hurdle, now it is just the infection to fight.

I am sure I will get there in the end, and this is just one of many challenges I will face this year. What makes us stronger are the challenges we face, and how we deal with them.

This is just another challenge to face. x

Doors Closing and opening

These past two days I have been having fantastic experiences with my graduation and the model casting. Friday was a day of doors closing, and today has been a day of doors opening for me.

Firstly, I had my graduation at Canterbury. It was such a wonderful experience, to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral, with people that I considered friends, especially being able to graduate with my best friend :) It was also a time to build bridges with people. I was also very lucky to get all three family members that came to Canterbury to be able to see me graduate. Yes, my Mum wasn't there to see me graduate, but on the plus side, she didn't really need a seat, because she was with us.
I can now finish that chapter of my life, and move on to better and bigger things. I can keep things that I enjoyed from it, appreciate the amazing people that I met, and not worry about the bad.

Today, I had my model casting for London Plus Size Fashion Weekend. This was the first time that I have ever gone to a model casting. I was very lucky to have my best friend there supporting me. At first, I found the whole thing very daunting. There were girls there talking about their modelling, and campaigns that they have done. I felt like the only one there who wasn't a professional model. At one point, I was trying to work out in my head how to get out of the place without making it look obvious, then a lady from Evolve magazine came in to ask about the reasons as to why we were doing it. That's when I started to feel comfortable and open up. I am so glad that I stayed and saw it through, because I felt the casting went really well, and got to see some of the pageant girls as well. It's nice to see that they are doing so well for themselves.
The thing I got the most out of for that casting though was what the lady from the magazine said. She said that what they are also looking for is women who are strong and confident within themselves. I didn't think that I was, but my friend sees otherwise. Then I had a breakthrough. Those people in Canterbury who tried to make my life hell, I thank them. If they didn't try and push me down, then I wouldn't of gained the strength to fight back, to push them out of my way.
What do I say now? Keep trying, because you are helping me be the best person that I can be. x

Life = BUSY

Well I have truly settled back into university, and the work now really starts.
I am in uni three times a week, back at the Post Office after my obligatory 3 weeks off, and started driving lessons. To add onto this I am in three Orchestra's, with one that I lead, with three concerts coming up, and potentially three tours this year as well.
Busy is an understatement. Strangely though, I seem to be much happier in myself because of it. Yes, it is very stressful (especially when you leave your violin in your dad's car one morning, and forget to email yourself your orchestration...) but I have such a great support system in place, especially my other half, who supports me every step of the way. I seem to really fit in with everyone here, and I have really immersed myself in the work that has been given to me.
I enjoy practicing, and I feel so much more confident in my skills as a violinist.
On the down-side, I have not had the opportunity, or frankly the time to get to the gym. That in a sense does affect your self confidence, especially when you have to give your dress size for a dress to be made for you. I have less time to eat well, and it is so difficult to balance that out. That is the life of a musician. I will be starting to make a concerted effort to get back to the gym, and to maintain healthy choices. When I have free days/evenings, I will start to cook my own food again, to do my own food shopping, and to build my mental strength against bad food choices. Instead of having chinese with the boyfriend when we have dinner, I could cook. There is always a way around problems.
I am learning though that everything comes in time. Something will always fall on the wayside, but in time, I will learn how to balance my life. I won't always be able to keep on top of everything, but perseverance is the key to most problems.
So keep going, because life is a one way street. x

A new slate

This week I have started my first week at Chichester University. It has admittedly been confusing at some times, but I am so excited to get stuck in, to work hard, and get back to my main passion!
What has really stood out has been everyone being helpful, friendly and supportive. It's nice to know that you have people that will give you a helping hand along the way. I think I was lucky that I was able to invade a year early, as it meant people already knew my face, and wasn't so much of a shock when I came bouncing into their lectures ;D
The only peculiar part of it is the fact I'm only needed at uni on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Going from full time at the Post Office, where I was working as many hours as possible, 3 days a week doesn't seem much. It is just reminding yourself that the time is supposed to be used for practice and ensembles. I think Music is one of those degrees where you do have to have a serious amount of self discipline, and motivation to be able to do well. I am excited to be able to develop these skills.
The other exciting bit of news is that I have got to the finals of Miss Real Girl 2013! (2013 Finalists) Considering that the amount of applicants for this pageant last year was 100-200, I feel extremely honoured to of got to the finals this year coming. What a difference it makes from last year, when my self confidence and self worth was at an all time low, where I was dealing with Canterbury/uni issues, and a couple of months ago I had another dip in my confidence, it's good to be able to be proud of myself again. I am very grateful to of gone into Miss British Beauty Curve this year, because it showed me that there are so many other curvy, beautiful women out there, and I can be one of them. This year coming, I'm going in with a different attitude. Ever since I went to Southsea Fashion Week, it has driven me to want to see women of all shapes and sizes on the catwalk. I want people to see that they will be represented, whatever your body type. I am not going in just for myself anymore. I am going in to prove one point. We are all beautiful.
On a different note that sums it all up, I went into Lush today, to get get some little things, and did the emotional brilliance wheel. The first thing it said was that I was happy. In all honesty, I don't think I have been so happy in quite a while. My professional career is back on track, I have gained confidence in myself, my personal life is good, got to another pageant final, and have a good support system, holding my hand every step of the way.
So my message is to trust yourself, because it will all come out right in the end. x