The best therapy

I have been battling my mind since my mum died. I do not allow myself to cry unless I am completely alone. When I do, it is like I can hear all of my hurt come to the surface. It is like a cry, a wail, like I am calling for someone to help me, but then I don't like people seeing me like this. It is a rough vicious cycle. I used to be able to open up a lot easier. I still found it difficult to cry in front of people, but if they were trusted, then I could deal with it.
I feel that everyone that I know has seen my cry, be weak at least once now. Because everyone has seen me cry, I don't want to shoulder any of my burden on to anyone else. I want to be strong so badly, that maybe it is weakening me. Even as I write this, I still do not believe it myself.
I really miss my violin right now. People sometimes name their instruments, I personally don't. Maybe even weirder, I consider my violin to be alive in some way.
She has been in and out of her 'spa' for two weeks, and now she is better, I want her back again. I only just realised that she helps me through my darkest hours (when I ever practised). She doesn't mind if I cry. She's always there when I'm angry. I can shoulder so much of my burden on her, and in return, she makes me play beautifully, using all the emotions I have to make wonderful music, my therapy.
I neglected her, but I'll make it up. She is like a sister figure and a mother figure rolled into one. She does sound like my mum. Maybe in some weird way, some of mum's soul is in my violin. I probably sound crazy, but all the things that my violin does to help me, is what mum did herself.
My violin cannot completely heal me. I still need to talk to someone who knows how to deal with me. I still need to accept myself, and feel that I am worth something, but it's a good start.