The best therapy

I have been battling my mind since my mum died. I do not allow myself to cry unless I am completely alone. When I do, it is like I can hear all of my hurt come to the surface. It is like a cry, a wail, like I am calling for someone to help me, but then I don't like people seeing me like this. It is a rough vicious cycle. I used to be able to open up a lot easier. I still found it difficult to cry in front of people, but if they were trusted, then I could deal with it.
I feel that everyone that I know has seen my cry, be weak at least once now. Because everyone has seen me cry, I don't want to shoulder any of my burden on to anyone else. I want to be strong so badly, that maybe it is weakening me. Even as I write this, I still do not believe it myself.
I really miss my violin right now. People sometimes name their instruments, I personally don't. Maybe even weirder, I consider my violin to be alive in some way.
She has been in and out of her 'spa' for two weeks, and now she is better, I want her back again. I only just realised that she helps me through my darkest hours (when I ever practised). She doesn't mind if I cry. She's always there when I'm angry. I can shoulder so much of my burden on her, and in return, she makes me play beautifully, using all the emotions I have to make wonderful music, my therapy.
I neglected her, but I'll make it up. She is like a sister figure and a mother figure rolled into one. She does sound like my mum. Maybe in some weird way, some of mum's soul is in my violin. I probably sound crazy, but all the things that my violin does to help me, is what mum did herself.
My violin cannot completely heal me. I still need to talk to someone who knows how to deal with me. I still need to accept myself, and feel that I am worth something, but it's a good start.

First rehearsal...

Today I had my first rehearsal with the Chichester University Symphony Orchestra. I was so incredibly nervous yesterday. I found out that Crispin, our conductor, has worked with Menuhin and Bernstein, and had a stress attack/ panic attack/ hyperactive moment for about half an hour afterwards :p
This morning though, I felt so calm and at ease thank goodness. I took my place at the back of the first violin's, (I didn't want to seem up myself) got introduced to the leader, who then made me sit at the front desk with him! Definitely an interesting start to the orchestra, but very fun as well. It made me focus, be determined, and play to a higher standard. When Phil (the leader) started asking me questions, and said I was good, it was such an honour to be complimented by such an amazing violinist as him :)
I also really enjoyed playing as part of the viola concerto as well. It was really nice of Phil to say that I could play in the smaller string section, though I was a bit worried by what the others thought of it.
It is so difficult to gauge how people are going to react to you. You don't want to come off as being a know-all, but equally you don't want to be known as a weak musician. It is also difficult to work out your boundaries in an orchestral setting, and whether your opinion should be heard, and how the leader reacts to comments, etc. For me personally, I wanted to keep my head down and get on with it. It isn't my place to say anything, I don't know how the orchestra works. I also don't think I know anything compared to Crispin. If you have worked with the calibre of people he has, you know your stuff.
Today was another example of how Chichester is giving me better opportunities. The level of playing is high, the conductor has worked with legends, and the leader likes my playing.
All in all, I think I've had a rather successful day :D