Well it's been a bit of an emotional day! My local church hosts our local music festival every year, and on the last day they invite members of the church to perform during the morning service. I got asked to play, and couldn't do the violin piece I wanted to do with the notice given, so I thought that I would perform mum's song. I thought it was going to be fine.
It got to the time to play it, and I just freaked. I still performed the song to the best of my ability, but I felt so anxious/emotional/out of control, my leg that wasn't using the pedal was shaking uncontrollably. I felt fine straight after, because I got it out of the way, but after the service, the song brought me down into a low place. The song is so sentimental, so personal, it drains you completely. For the rest of the day, I have been feeling really down. It wasn't intentional, I just hope the people don't think I am a glutton for punishment!
What I am really glad for is the support I have around me. I have had a chat with someone I consider a family friend, and is a bit like my musical parent replacement. It's nice to know that you aren't barking mad. A control freak, but not barking mad. You do need to speak out loud what you are thinking sometimes. It helps to re-arrange the thoughts in your head.
I will definitely think very hard before I do it again. For me, it proves the point that music is so emotionally connected to us all, that a mere 3 minute song can do so much for our mood. Without feeling the unhappy moments, you cannot experience the pure joy you get from music, whether it is playing it, or just listening.
I know now that I needed that moment. Now I just need to cheer the hell up :P x
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